Never met your SO in person? I have questions!

[Stubborn Hope]

Hello!

I wanted to start this thread because I'm honestly interested and curious about relationships in which the couple has never met in person.

I'm ashamed to say that before I joined LFAD, I was highly skeptical of these relationships. I wondered how people could possibly fall in love without ever spending time in person. It's now clear to me that it's possible, and that these relationships are no less valid.

How you all manage to make it work is beyond me - I have enough trouble in an LDR in which we do visit several times a year!

So... How does it work? How often do you communicate, and by what means? Any and all insight you can give me will be very much appreciated.

Thanks!

[Rosebud]

I have only just met my boyfriend in person for the first time 5 days ago Before then we had been in a relationship for over a year without ever having physically been together.

I have to say, minus the whole physical contact part, I feel our relationship formed just like any close-distance one would. That is, we spent time together (for us it was a chat room and then we moved it to MSN), talking and learning about each other and you'd be surprised at how much of someone's personality you can relly read through text. You learn to understand the way they type, catch differences in their use of words and tone when something is bothering them, etc. We spoke to each other every day, usually for hours, so we really did have plenty of time to 'be together'. Aside from just chatting we would use webcame to see one another, and then the phone to hear each other's voices or send texts or photos. You'd be surprised just how much communication there really is to be had out there and how much of someone you can care about without ever having met them in person. And really, when I did finally meet him face to face, I had very few surprises. I had learned so much about his true character online that it wasn't as though I was meeting a complete stranger.

Even now that we are able to see in person, my last visit only last 3 days, and as we're planning for him to come see me in the winter I highly doubt that trip will last longer than 4-5 days as well. It's difficult, but totally possible Hopefully that helped answer some of your questions a little bit!

[Caitlin2009]

i met Denise for the first time in August, and i always knew in my heart she was the one for me even though we never met prior to that. When you meet your soulmate offline or online you automatically know that they are meant to be with you forever, true love only comes once in your life and never comes around again, so you have to be paying attention to know this person is your soulmate, the moment i laid eyes on Denise's picture i knew she was the one and it works because we make it work, we talk everyday on the phone or if she has the internet through messenger, if we have an argument we talk through it until resolved and swept under the rug and forgotton about

[Zephii]

I'm no longer in this boat, I live with my sweety now, but seeming it was five long years before we managed to meet in person, I figure I qualify to answer

How it works probably differs for everyone. But for us, there was just something THERE. We tried to do the friends thing and give up on each other, but we couldn't. At a base level relationships are about having certain needs met, and Obi met those needs for me, even though he was in a different country. And we were both able to be completely ourselves, and that's something one doesn't often get in face to face relationships. We had the safety of being able to completely disappear if something went wrong... and we fell in love with the personality we found on the other side of the ocean. He always had time for me (usually at 4am his time ) and always seemed just as enthusiastic to hear from me as I was to hear from him - if not more.

Because it went on for so long, and we tried so hard to get rid of each other, communication varied. Sometimes we'd talk every day for 8 or more hours, for months running. Other times we couldn't speak at all. There was a time where I didn't have the net for like 3 months, so we wrote letterbooks (basically a personal diary, but addressed as an ongoing letter) to keep in touch. We also sent each other gifts, cards and regular letters.
Near the end, when I decided I was going to chase this boy for all I was worth, we spoke several times a day.. whenever we could, and we continued to write letterbooks even though we didn't need them, because they made us feel more connected.

My very very long story is in my blog if you're ever bored enough to want to read it.

[Èternity]

So... How does it work? How often do you communicate, and by what means?

We're meeting in just over a week - here is what we did. We setup boundaries for the relationship and a routine very early on. We agreed we were exclusive and we communicated every day. The communication took many forms, email, LFAD, FB, IM, e-cards, webcam, text, in game mails in world of warcraft etc. but one contact every day, didn't matter what sort. One or the other of us sent it.

After about six months, we moved to webcam every day and got into a daily routine. We have a time difference so we needed that to stay sane. The routine is when I get up, I send a text and at that time he is finishing work. After he gets home we hop onto webcam and while I'm working he is on the computer doing things or playing WoW. We talk about the usual things. When he goes to sleep I leave the web cam on so I can see him sleep for a bit and then I turn it off and keep working through my day. I work from home. When it is time for him to wake up - I give his cell a call to wake him up. We chat a bit or text until he goes off to work and I then go to sleep. That's our daily routine for the last six months.

[LadyMarchHare]

How does it work?

Like any other relationship, except there's more talking than hand holding.

How often do you communicate, and by what means?

Right now, I'm lucky for a once a week text, but that's due to his job. We communicate via website PMs (I don't have his email so I just PM him where we met since we're active there), text message, phone call, and of course IM. I used to send him letters but he moved and can't give me the new address.

Really I'm thankful we didn't see each others' faces right off the bat. I got to know a creative personality over the course of nearly 8 years and seeing pictures last January only sealed the deal for me. I've never dated, mainly because I look different and I'm overweight so guys don't give me a chance and see that I'm intelligent and passionate about the arts. He gave me a chance, ignored my deflecting out of instinct, and even after he saw pictures he wanted me. I suppose it was the same for him, the mind started what a picture finished. It's given us both time to work out our problems with communication (I'm anti-social, he's uncomfortable actually talking) and my problem with physical intimacy without rushing it because we're in the same room or have the opportunity to be.

Don't get me wrong it drives me up the wall every day that I haven't got a clue when I'll see him and get what so many here have had or do have, but right now I'm thankful and content with our conversations, however brief, and knowing that the stupid things I do such as draw him pictures or send letters/funny texts get him through tough work days.

[LilyPanda]

Well, we communicate every day. Usually, by texting and IMing (usually msn or facebook) or by Skype, as well as phone calls here and there (as a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with him... and his parents. haha). Basically, we talk... a lot. Idk how it really works, and I never thought I'd be in a relationship like this.. but I am, and it's going pretty good. I've been with him for 6 months, and have 'known' him for over a year now, and we are meeting this December. It's hard sometimes, and you get those people who decide to put you down for it or tell you how much your relationship is not real.. but that's okay.

He's there for me, and he is an amazing guy. And because of the fact that we haven't met, I've really gotten to know him. I mean, I haven't gotten to know how he acts in person or the little things like that.. but I've gotten to know who he is.


I'm not gonna lie... it drives me crazy not being able to see him, as I know it does everyone else here. But I'll see him soon, and I will no longer be in the 'I've never met my SO group', haha. Throughout all of this, everything I've been through with him... I've realized that it works out better than some people believe, that's for sure. Because I use to be one of those people who were like... "I will never be in one of those relationships". haa... look at me, I'm here and I love it

[DarkSolitary]

How does it work?
Well, Like any other relationship, communication is key. Me and my SO are very visionary so like say i say -hug- i can actually imagine him clearly that I am hugging him and my body reacts to the image so like my body will warm up a bit to reinact the feeling of having another person hugging me. x3

How often do you communicate, and by what means?
I communicate with my SO everyday through texting. On the weekends we will sometime IM on MSN but mostly through text.

[BluePikachu]

Truthfully, I really did no want to be in a relationship like this because I knew I was the type of person who wanted to do everything with my SO there. I let my personal choices slide, however, because I ultimately fell deeply, blah blah blah, in love with him. Even before we sent pictures of each other, we just clicked. He was, and is, probably the most amazing guy I will ever meet. All thanks to his personality.

How do we make it work? LOTS AND LOTS OF CUTE MESSAGES THROUGH FACEBOOK. Actually, because he started school, the Internet in his dorm rooms suck after 4pm and thus we cannot talk after I get home from school. We try to talk on the weekends, but he has no connection at his mom's house which SUCKS. I would text him and call him, but he can't really afford international calling D;
All in all, like any relationship, it takes effort, some sacrifices, and commitment for a relationship like this to work. Indeed, there are many rough patches because you don't know exactly what they're doing at what time, but it takes a lot to build that trust.
We'll be together for a year and 6 months that Saturday, if it helps your understanding

[Rusty]

Well, I'm still in the first flush, so we're still talking constantly. Every day, for hours at a stretch. Not necessarily exlusively - I might be doing something at work, or she might be babysitting (she sits basically 8-4 when she's not at college), but we'll still be sending messages back and forth.

How? Well, initially through emails, then facebook personal messages, then facebook chat, then skype phone calls, now skype webcam. Our favourite is webcam, by a long shot - even if we've not really got much to talk about, it's nice to just be able to see and hear each other rather than imagine the tone of voice or what have you. She commented the other day that I'm far too good at detecting variations in her mood just by looking at her

How you all manage to make it work is beyond me

I keep thinking about that myself, and how I might explain it to other people (I've not told anyone yet other than my sister). I think, though, the best explanation is that the entire relationship is founded on talking. That's how it started, that's how it developed, that's how we reached where we are now. There is a physical element (in it's limited way, seeing we can't touch each other), but that came later. The primary factor in our relationship is talking to one another, and we do that one hell of a lot - certainly more than I've ever spoken to anyone else in the first stages of a relationship.

I'm ashamed to say that before I joined LFAD, I was highly skeptical of these relationships.

Me too. I've actually got a bit of a historical warning about it as well, which my sister (in a nice way) reminded me of - a friend of hers got into an LDR with a guy in Australia (we're in England), and actually got engaged to him before they'd met, flew over to marry him... and he turned out to be an absolute b*****d. So, yeah, not exactly a great reference for LDRs. My SO also says she'd never understood how people could fall in love without ever having met in person (and still worries that when we do meet, something will put me or her or both of us off), but now that it's happened to us... well, you can't really deny it at that point

[Élan]

I don't think it was that hard to have a relationship before meeting (we were together for 7 months before we met). Mainly because there was such a huge feeling of hope and excitement. In some sense, it felt like a fairytale--two people from 9,000+ miles away met online and were making a relationship work even with the distance. We made sure to talk every day if we could, and were both really responsible about letting the other know if we wouldn't be online. The only thing I hated about the online relationship was the sense "what if....." that I had. I was so nervous that we wouldn't connect during the meet. And I was moving in with him for 3 months, so that would have been awkward, lol!

After the meet I feel like it's a bit tougher to be long distance because that sense of excitement and hope has dwindled, although we are still happy together.

[Stubborn Hope]

Wow, guys. Thank you so much for the insight!

To be completely honest, I'm almost starting to wish my relationship had started out that way! We had so many issues right of the bat dur to lack of communication and too much physical stuff.

[agentholli]

I haven't met Mark yet either.

IT SUCKS! Just sayin..but its true. Its all nice and fine and dandy, but once you start getting really close..it REALLY sucks

Well, how people make it work is really different from one person to the other.
The way Mark and I work, is talking..all the time. I know that it sounds crazy to most people..but i NEVER felt the way I feel with Mark, with my ex husband who i was married to for 9 years. I don't think it would work if you didn't have a connection and were really in tune with eachother. That connection has to be there. You have to want to talk with them.

I really believe that not meeting a person in person before you get to know them, gives you a better insight to that person. And it is something that I think close distance relationships lack. We know how to communicate, we know when each other is having a bad time or is upset or tired..

But to make it work, you have to have some kind of constant contact. I have known Mark for 2 years and we have been together as a couple for 10 months. Our relationship started with a dating site. He messaged me on there, and then I gave him my email address and told him he he wanted to continue with the emails he would have to do it in regular email..and lo and behold..he emailed me! I was sorta in a relationship..well the dude didnt want to say he was my bf, and told me to go look for other things..i know messed up!...anyway, so we emailed each other every day, playing a get to know you game and what not, and then it started to be 2-3 emails a day. Then we took it to phone calls. When you email someone you are trying to get to know, I think you learn more about that person. they are willing to devulge things that you might not want to say in person or on the phone.

We talk on the phone all together each day about 4-5 hours. We text along the day as well and just recently we started to get on webcam. it was so awesome to see him live and not just in a picutre. I love this man, with all my heart and soul, and its fate and destiny that we are toghether..we just haven't met in person yet

[5000miles]

After about six months, we moved to webcam every day and got into a daily routine. We have a time difference so we needed that to stay sane. The routine is when I get up, I send a text and at that time he is finishing work. After he gets home we hop onto webcam and while I'm working he is on the computer doing things or playing WoW. We talk about the usual things. When he goes to sleep I leave the web cam on so I can see him sleep for a bit and then I turn it off and keep working through my day. I work from home. When it is time for him to wake up - I give his cell a call to wake him up. We chat a bit or text until he goes off to work and I then go to sleep. That's our daily routine for the last six months.

It's almost the EXACT same thing for me. When I wake up I send him a text and within 30 minutes he's home from work. We get on webcam and chat for a few hours before I "kiss" him goodnight and go to work (luckily for us, I work the evening shift so this works). When I get home from work (midnight) he wakes up to be with me. We get back on webcam and talk for about an hour and a half before he goes to work. Usually by the time he leaves, he's been watching me sleep for about 20 minutes, so he wakes me up so I take off my headset and he "kisses" me goodnight and goes to work. Then we wake up and start again. Except on the weekends... when we're both not doing anything (which is fairly often) we keep the webcam on all day/night (side note: our longest skype call lasted 22 hours! without the call dropping!! :O ). We've been together almost ten months and this has been our routine for about the past 7 of those months.

It's tough. Really tough. But it's possible. It's different than other LDR's because we don't know what we're missing yet. But it's different (and more intense in certain ways) than other relationships because we'd give anything to touch their face just once. Also, with this type of relationship, there's a first meeting. And like others have said, after hours and hours of talking and learning about each other and seeing each other on webcam, you KNOW them. So you go to visit them and even though you know them, you've never met. So that's definitely an exciting and different experience compared to other relationships.

By the way, I finally get to meet him next month! ^_^ I'm so excited!

I hope this gave some insight even though I know most of what I said was previously said.