considering moving but what about daughter?

[ham1056]

advice?....we have been together for 1 year, 6 months, 1400 miles, (shes in US, Im in Canada), met in TO, I travel 1 or 2 a month to NY, hard to describe what we have become to mean to each other but at this point in our relationship we both want to be together. She is a Doctor in NY, so cant move, I own my own business & am actually considering selling to move BUT I have a 7 year old daughter, (49% custody) amazing little girl. Nervous of moving away from her & of course she is to young to fly on her own, to bring her in once a month. Basically boils down to my daughter or the love of my life? Anyone been through this before?

thanks

[Haley53]

No, but I have strong opinions. Having been abandoned by my father was probably one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. I was 7 when I started having nightmares and night terrors, because that was around the age I was actually able to start processing feelings of abandonment and understanding what abandonment even was. When you have children, you have a responsibility to them. When you have children, your needs come second, because their little lives come first. When you have children, you give up your ability to pack up and move anywhere you want. When you have children, you have to become a lot less selfish than when you don't.

Someone else mentioned something like this and it floored me then, too. It's understandably a decision that's tough as all get out, but my opinion is your children come first, and if they can't move with you, then you wait, because if the love of your life is meant to be, then they can wait too. I'm sorry, but at 7-years-old, you're going to wreck your daughter's relationship with you and wound her psyche in a way she'll feel it well into her adulthood. Do you really want to have your daughter asking you why you abandoned her for some other woman... ? I get that distance is hard, but closing it is not worth wounding your daughter's emotional well being over and leaving her at an age she can't even cognitively comprehend why her father is abandoning her.

[Dezface]

I don't think it's abandonment if you're still going to be active in her life. I do think you need to weigh the options very carefully but the end decision is up to you. I agree with the above poster that you have to be less selfish but that doesn't mean completely giving up yourself. You have the right to be happy too.

How often will you see you see your daughter if you move? Enough to still be a regular part of her life? Is there *no way* your girlfriend can move to you? I understand she's a doctor but is it completely out of the question? Is it because she can't, or won't? Are you willing to give up every day with your child and your business and she's willing to give up nothing? I don't know how that works so I'm not judging-just asking.

I think it's a very, very hard decision. I'm moving to be with my SO instead of him coming here because he has a child among other reasons. I'm lucky that I don't have much tying me here other than family and friends I wish I didn't have to leave. I don't know our relationship would work if we were in your circumstances-best of luck!

[leonsfangirl]

She is a Doctor in NY, so cant move

Why?

Unless she has children then i dont see why she can't move, Dr's are needed everywhere. You own your own business so you could support her till she found work.
Your daughter should be paramount. I'm a parent too and it would be so much easier for me to move to be with my SO but i choose to stay so my children have a relationship with there father.

[MadMolly]

Your daughter is your DAUGHTER. Your child and flesh and blood. It is your responsibility to be there for her and to be her father. How will she feel knowing her daddy decided to go to a far away place because of a woman he met? I don't know why it's even an option you're considering. Sorry to be harsh but don't leave your child for a romance. You will regret it and she will be hurt for life.

[lucybelle]

When closing the distance someone will have to give up everything. You two need to decide what's best for you.

But in my opinion your daughter is your #1 priority, not your partner. If she truly loved you, she would see that you have to stay for your daughter and would move to you.

Best of luck.

[Haley53]

I don't think it's abandonment if you're still going to be active in her life. I do think you need to weigh the options very carefully but the end decision is up to you. I agree with the above poster that you have to be less selfish but that doesn't mean completely giving up yourself. You have the right to be happy too.

He said that she can't even fly out every month because she's too young to travel alone. Maybe I'm wrong, but this led me to conclude that he wouldn't be seeing her very often or travelling to her, since the big "BUT" was that he's moving away and she's too young to fly on her own. But even if he did fly out to see her once a month, you don't consider that abandonment? You consider that being active in the child's life? From seeing her father regularly (he has almost 50% custody) to seeing him once a month or less because of some other woman and some other life that he chose to lead? And this is without any additional perspective by the daughter's biological mother, if she chooses to make backhanded comments like some divorcees do. While the OP deserves the right to be happy, I don't see why skipping out on his daughter's life has to be the road to that happiness. Having children essentially means giving up your right to be selfish.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I have a 7yo daughter. I get her on holiday visitation at the moment (She lives in another state with her father who has majority custody but the final custody arrangement hasn't been decided by the court). My daughter arrives in about an hour. She is the No.1 priority in my life. If I end up with majority custody I'm not moving from where I am due to the family/friend support network I have here. I could not and would not consider moving to my SO to the detriment of my child. It wouldn't even cross my mind for a second. My SO knows full well that she is the priority in my life and that he comes second to her. He has accepted that completely and because of that, he wants to move to me. It may not happen in the immediate future but in 2-3 years down the track, if we're still together he'll make the move.

In all honesty I think it is extremely selfish of you to consider moving to your SO to the detriment of your child. Here in Australia, children need to be at least 8 years of age before they fly internationally as an unaccompanied minor. Maybe you should wait until your daughter is old enough to travel on her own. Your SO being a doctor does not tie her to one country. I don't see why she couldn't move if needs be. Please put your child first.

[blankita719]

Just another parent weighing in - your child is your #1 priority. I love my SO and he loves me, but we both know that one of the biggest reasons we aren't closing the distance yet is because of our children. Do I feel your pain? Of course, but it seems like you get to see your SO on a more regular basis than most so I would strongly urge you to just wait and see if it's at all possible that she move to you, or to wait a few years to see if something can work out with your daughter so you can continue to be an active part of your life.

It's heartbreaking to have a father who adores you, then abandons you to make a life with another woman. My own father, while not doing it long distance, did just that and those scars still flare up.

[LeilaniJoi]

I have been watching this thread and had to chime in, though my thoughts may not be the most popular. I guess it all depends on how active you are in your daughters life now to be honest. I have to point out that there are fathers that still live in the same town that see less of their kids than some parents that live at a distance. With 49% custody, how much do you see your daughter now? How long have you been split up with her mother? How old would she have to be to be able to fly without an adult with her? How does the mother feel about a possible move on your part that would necessitate a child traveling to visit when she is old enough? Would you still be willing to fly back frequently to visit with her like you fly to visit your SO now? How does your SO feel about your daughter, do they have a relationship at all?

With technology such as video chats, cell phones to always be "on call" for a child and various other means of keeping in touch it is possible to be there for her while living at a distance, though it may not be a popular idea (wow you guys can be rough). The important thing is that your daughter knows that you are just a phone call away, and 7 is not too young to grasp that concept but it comes down to communication, like everything else in an LDR.

I know there are some strong emotions in this from several reading it, but I'm of the opinion that the quality of the interaction with a child living with an ex spouse and custodial parent counts for more than living a few miles down the road. If the ex is going to spout rubbish about the other parent, they are going to do it whether you are there or not. Children are important and a priority, no doubt, but I personally don't feel that someone should have to put their life on hold and be unhappy where they are "just for the kids". That's almost akin to staying in a loveless marriage "for the kids". It's detrimental in it's own right.

If you were planning on moving and cutting all contact with her then yes, that's selfish. It's not selfish however, IMO, to want to be happy with someone you love in your life. It may mean buying her a computer so that you can video chat, making sure you have a way for her to contact you across an international border and being as accessible as you can be to her so that she doesn't feel that sense of abandonment. Where the problem comes in is when you move and get involved in your new life and don't have the time to talk to her when she needs you. I would assume from 49% custody you mean that you have visitation rights with her now. A move may mean that you have to work that much harder to be able to talk to her, fly back frequently to visit with her and make sure that you keep promises... if you are going to call or visit at a certain time, be there - no matter what - so that she doesn't feel like you are "putting her off" for your new relationship.

Again, not a popular thought process I know, but how I feel about it. Everyone deserves to be happy. A child definitely is a priority, but that doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold for the next 18 years. It means that if she can't move with you then you have to work that much harder to develop a relationship with her, keep in near constant contact or within reach of her and work as hard at that relationship as you would any other LD relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[temporaryuser]

I am with LeilaniJoy on this. Would you be able to visit her on regular visits? Would the custody arrangements be changed so that you would have her when she is not in school? My ex husband had this arrangement with his duaghters mom. She moved from NC to AZ, She got the daughter for the entire summer, and every other spring break and xmas. Is that ideal? Depends on the child. This is something that would have to be discussed with all parties involved.
Do I see it as abandonment? Not at all
Should he stay just because of his child? Not if he could have a better life elsewhere. The emotional happiness with this woman isnt the only consideration. Could he make a better living elsewhere? Cheaper living? Better schopoling options for the daughter later on? All of these things have to come into play. He didnt say this was happening in the next few months.

[prinzeza87]

leilanijoi and subeasley said it all for me, i think/feel the same way since im on the same situation as ham1056

[Haley53]

To those bringing 49% custody into it, my post is based off the assumption that she's young enough to have mandated visits. My parents divorced when I was 14, and I was still "too young" to choose my own visitation rights and so got stuck seeing my father for one evening and one overnight a month: the least amount of custody he could have been offered other than not seeing us at all. 49% is close enough to 50% that I'm guessing he's court mandated to have her every other weekend and maybe a few times throughout the month, as well. She's too young to make decisions and the court could get involved if the ex-wife refused visits, so with nearly 50% custody, at the age of 7, unless the laws work differently in this way in Canada, then my guess is he's seeing her pretty regularly. This would also mean that to move to be with his girlfriend, he would have to give up the 49% custody, because unless he makes enough money for that many visits, I'm guessing he can't keep up with how often he's mandated to see her if he moves internationally. But this is based off of what I know of how it operates here in California.

[LeilaniJoi]

I understand this, but with him being a business owner and his SO being a doctor, traveling to visit as far as costwise shouldn't be an issue. I still stand by my thoughts on this. It's not selfish to want to be happy with someone. It is selfish to move far away and cut ties with a young child. Keeping in close contact is the key here, not being in the same town.

I know my thoughts would not be popular but being older, I put off many things in my life and happiness because of my kids. Which, in reality, didn't help them much because I was so miserable in my life that it radiated outwards and they most certainly did notice. I feel that if someone makes this kind of move and can go back frequently for visits, even traveling to bring the child back with them for longer visits, this is very doable. It's all in the communication and quality of time together.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I guess this is where personal preference comes into it. I'm already in a LDR with my daughter at the moment. I get to see her during her school holidays (unless the custody arrangement is changed in the immediate future through the courts - which it may do) and I had to leave her and move interstate when her father and I separated. I had nowhere to go where I was and I still feel enormous amounts of guilt for having to move so far away from her. It's true, you can maintain a relationship with a child from a distance but NOTHING compares to physical contact. My daughter CRAVES contact with me and it really does upset her that she can't see me as much as she'd like to.

I couldn't even afford to move back to where she lives even if I wanted to. The cost of living in the town she's in is exorbitant to say the very least. With everything that's gone on in my daughter's life if I were to up and leave to go somewhere else to be with my SO (of whom she barely knows) would be catastrophic. Given my child's fragile emotional state I'm doing the best I can to be as consistent as possible. I guess I have a heavy bias but even still I stand by my words.