For better of for worse?

[Carenza LaRue]

Let's see how to bring this issue to you.

My SO and I are often in a sort of mild sort of conflict about this.
We agreed I will be moving to the US when it's time to close the distance, which means I have to apply for a fiancee visa eventually.
It's not that I don't want to get married... I do.... but I'd rather do that when time is right and everything is well.

I talked to my SO about this and told him how I felt. We know each other for about 3 years but got together the beginning of this year and made it official in May.
So far so good but there is one little thing... we still have to meet in person, cause we met on line.

Due to nasty events in his past, he is cautious and weighs everything I say or do. It drove me grazy sometimes and it cost me a lot of effort to make him see that I am committed to him, although we never met, and I would never do nasty things to him because I LOVE him. We aren't there yet, but it improves every day and he seems to gain a little more faith in me day to day.

But his state of mind is fragile I now noticed. I told him about the thing with fiancee visa and how I felt about it. He immediately took that as doubt on my part and he started to question if I loved him enough. I thought... uh oh... here we go again! and we ended up in yet another mild sort of conflict.
I was thinking about it in my real time, day to day life. I understand where he comes from, given his nasty experience and I began to wonder if I really had hidden-to-myself doubts.

Gladly, after a giving it a good thought, I can say I have no doubts at all. I am committed to him and what we have so far and I would do anything in my power to join him.
The words 'for better for worse' came into my mind and now I am curious to know how far people in general would go for their SO, if things are going worse.
And this goes especially for people in LDR, who never met their SO before. Is it really possible to go 'for better for worse' when you haven't seen your SO yet?
Can you commit to that person in that way in that situation?

I talked to my SO about my thoughts... he still takes it as if I am having doubts and it's hard to convince him I don't have any. There is a chance I will not be attracted to him when I meet him in person in January of course, but I know so many things about him. I've seen what kind of person he is and how he acts and reacts to people in general when we are together in public in our on line friends group. I fell for his personality and at the age I now am, 42, his pleasant character means more to me than a nice butt and cute eyes. I said not to worry because I am planning to make the best out of what we have. To me, that means 'for better or worse'

My SO asks me how I can feel committed if we haven't seen each other yet? That makes sense to me but I just feel it like this. I asked him what he felt about me and though he doesn't say it, I know he feels the same but to him it must feel like this is 'infatuation' and he is not sure if the 'infatuation' would be still there AFTER we met. For some reason I can't get it in his head that I will stick with him, no matter what. Is this weird of me?

what are your thoughts about 'for better or worse'?

[Zephii]

Is it really possible to go 'for better for worse' when you haven't seen your SO yet?
Can you commit to that person in that way in that situation?

You probably CAN, but I certainly wouldn't. To me "for better or worse" also means "no matter how miserable you make me". I wouldn't make that commitment to someone I was only dating, nevermind someone I'd never met. It was part of my vow when I married, because as I don't believe in divorce I'm determined to stay with him, even if I'm miserable... but before then? No. No way. And I think if he had asked that of me, it'd be too much to ask.

[Haley53]

I have nothing against divorce, but I agree with Zephii. To say those words, and to truly mean them, is a massive commitment to the other individual, and I do feel it can be difficult when you haven't even met one another yet. It'd be difficult for me to say, and it'd be difficult for me to believe, simply because I believe in spending extended amounts of time together before committing to getting married and so for me, saying it to someone before meeting? It would cheapen it, because as much as I knew about them online, I wouldn't know anything about them CD or even extended CD, and it's as important to me to know how we're going to deal with laundry when he separates into about four different piles and I separate into two as it is to know how to communicate.

That said, the fact he's so quick to turn on you and decide you don't love him enough is worrisome. Is he seeking therapy for this at all? I understand you're saying he gets better day by day by day, but with something that deep rooted, it's likely to keep surfacing. It's possible he could benefit from a professional trained to deal with those types of doubts and insecurities, simply because you shouldn't have to fear communicating certain issues, like this one, with a result of him thinking you don't love him like he thought. There are things you should be able to talk about without the worry that it will set off an insecurity, and something as big as a fiance visa is, in my opinion, one of them.

[Moon]

Is it really possible to go 'for better for worse' when you haven't seen your SO yet?
Can you commit to that person in that way in that situation?

To be perfectly honest, I couldn't/wouldn't even try. There are SO many things, both good and bad, that I wouldn't know about my guy if we haven't had several visits already. I'd commit to the relationship, in that I'd maintain my faithfulness and promise to see where it goes, but there's just no way I'd consider a lifetime commitment to someone I haven't spent a significant amount of physical time with, especially with the experience I've gained through my LDR. By physical, I in no way mean sex (though I wouldn't want to make those vows, only to find that he sucks in that department!!), I mean knowing what it's like to be together 24/7 and learning how he reacts to things like stress, how he treats people he comes across on a daily basis, if he's kind and nurturing offline, hygiene, how he talks to his mother, etc. Having been married, these clues are important to me to see who he really is as opposed to who he wants me to see.

Maybe I'm too jaded and cynical, but I'm 42 also, and I've learned that I can't live my life by blind faith, I need proof If at all possible, I'd at least get the first visit out of the way as fast as I could, so you can make very sure you're attracted to each other in person, sometimes the chemistry just doesn't mix well, and it's better to find that out sooner, rather than later, in my opinion anyway.

[Carenza LaRue]

thanks girls, for the honest answers..

I have to read them a few more times to truly understand what you've been saying to me.
sorry for that, it seems that when I am tired, my understanding of a different language is less. I worked this weekend and made a lot of extra hours....


on of my motivations is that I didn't feel as secure with the father of my child as I feel with my SO.
I mean, my ex was sitting next to me on the sofa and it turned out I didn't know him at all in the end.
I talk to Rob, my SO, all the time and he is open about what bothers him, what keeps him occupied and what he likes or doesn't like about me.

that is so refreshing! with my ex I always felt the need to be on guard with whatever I said or did.
I can't really explain... maybe it's BECAUSE we never met yet that I feel so secure and I am able to welcome the feeling of 'for better or worse'
the acceptance of who Rob really is and what he stands for. I've also seen some dark sides of him but unlike my ex, he accepts his dark sides and doesn't defend them.

he has got his issues, but he is open about them and he really works hard to solve them. I was thinking that if this is his character , I trust him with my toddler and that he wants the best for me and her. Also something I can't say about my ex.
Important thing for me is that he WANTS to provide for us.... (not that this is needed, but it's just the thought)

so, maybe the 'for better or worse' thing is a state of mind?

forgive me if I sound a bit unclear about my thoughts... I have a lot of soul searching to do on this matter....

but thanks for the support so far.... and yeah... I agree with most anything you girls said...

[LeilaniJoi]

personally I couldn't make a "better or worse" commitment to someone either without meeting them in person. Knowing someone online only gives you a small picture of that person "in person". It is entirely possible to be attracted to someone online and not have that spark physically when you meet in person. As was said, it's not even about sex but just being around them physically.

Perfect example.. I met my ex husband online and was attracted. Once we met in person however, I knew pretty quickly that physically he wasn't my type. It wasn't about looks but a myriad of other little things.. and yet I let myself get talked into getting married so he could stay in the US. Yes, it was a relationship so no trickery to the US government there, but I never really felt that bond with him physically that I felt with my current SO from the first moment we met.

Take things slow, I do agree he needs to seek some help for his insecurities as these alone can destroy a relationship. You can't be the one walking on egg shells around him - trust me this gets old fast - but you really need to know if there is a sync in person between you two before you make that kind of commitment. Especially if you are talking about moving continents and going through the mountains of paperwork and massive expense of visas with immigration.

<--- this all coming from someone who's been there, done that and realized the t-shirt wasn't worth the price it brought at a yard sale. Good luck.