Holy Frump! how to deal with this?

[Carenza LaRue]

Sorry for this rant but I have to get this off my chest.

For years I've been a member on a forum with women who wanted to get pregnant. We helped each other through pregnancies, miscarriages, relationship problems, and so on..... the bunch of us grew close over the years and we meet once or twice a year.

I was the first one in our group that seperated from my childs father and I've been through a hard time. They all helped me through, except for one member but that was okay... in every forum there are people you like, and people you don't like that much.

It took me a long time to get over my ex.... well, the anger towards him is more precise... and that was fine, they were still there to help and advice me.

Now, the girl I've spoken of before, has separated now too.... and within two weeks or so she already had a new boyfriend... guess she had him on the side when her marriage was still intact, but hey.... not judging here.
that relationship didn't last too long and it seems she is now on the loose.... no problem here as well.... I opened a topic about being in love with a man living so far from me, and so far her comments were sort of negative. She is disapproving of my LDR and I never made a comment about how I think it is so wrong to step into a relationship within 2 weeks of ending the old one. I have to admit, I felt irritated about it, but choose not to make an issue out of it....

what bothers me..... she puts pictures on that forum, of her dancing with a guy.... and puts as title of that topic.... 'my new love'.... so every other member makes comments about the guy... and now she is mad because she meant 'dancing'
she wants every other member to apologize for making comments about him.

can't decide what to do now.... should I remain quiet and ignore her like I did before?
or should I say something about it? because that is what I really want to do.

I wondered why I felt the need to say something about it.... and I am afraid that is because she had been so rude to me in past, by ignoring my LDR and the disapproval in between lines whenever she does feel the need to talk to me.
sort of pay back thingy from my side? I don't know...

on the other hand.... she is attacking all the other members by saying she gets sick and tired of all the comments they made whilst she is the one who put that title on her topic and being suggestive....

what would you do?

[lucybelle]

Send her a PM getting everything off your chest. Then DON'T reply to anything she sends you back.

Leave it at that. There's no use in starting arguments in my opinion. But I also believe in telling people how you feel.

[D.4C]

i agree with lucybelle...tell her the truth privately...and then just keep your peace

[Carenza LaRue]

thanks!

haven't thought about that really..... the PM option...

but good idea....

[Moon]

I was going to say just let it all out for everyone to see, I bet the other members probably feel the same way, but I think lucybelle's answer is the right, more mature way to handle it.

[Carenza LaRue]

actually Moon....

I left the forum for what it was this afternoon and went for a swim with my kid.

when I came back, I saw the moderator already got mad at her....
I am a bit busy with my kid at the moment.... but later tonight, when I have more time to think how I want to put it.... I am going to send her a PM.... and get it of my chest...

[Haley53]

My opinion is it depends on how you word the response. I had a member here who wrote me once in a way that came close to something I could have reported for harassment, and there are much more effective ways to communicate an issue you're having with another member. I wouldn't suggest writing a PM to vent and then refusing to respond to anything she says, for example, is the way to go, but a diplomatic message expressing what you're feeling and laying out the issues you're having with her (i.e. her constant negativity towards your relationship) might not be a bad idea to send. I should think that whether or not you respond, however, would depend on what she says/how she responds.

With that said, in this situation I would probably be the bigger person and simply ignore her. Ignoring her, and in doing so, setting an example for what role you want other members to play in your posts, should be an effective way of getting her to stop responding, or at least making a step towards figuring out a way so that she no longer bothers you; that's a personal issue, not her issue. My guess is that there's a reason she's targeting you and behaving the way she is and confronting her about it is either going to send her into some histrionic "poor me" tyrade or it's going to increase her behaviour; the best case scenario I can see is she doesn't change, simply because from what you've described here, she doesn't seem like the sort to "talk it out." When it comes to PMing someone who's not going to be willing to sort it out anyway, then it's a matter of how you want to respond to and deal with it. Don't play games with it, but if you honestly don't expect improvement, and you feel like you want to "pay her back," in a way, then why bother? That's more about you than it is her and while it might make you feel better temporarily, it will not fix the issue. If I were in your situation and I knew nothing would be able to be sorted/talked out, I would probably find a way within myself to stop being so aggravated by her and stop giving her power, therefore eliminating the issue almost entirely.

It's amazing how often these things come back to ourselves, our own appraisals, and our personal perspectives.

ETA: Also, if this is about whether or not you should handle the issue of this particular thread she posted, don't mini-mod. It sounds like the moderators handled it and like your intentions aren't necessarily to talk it out with her either. Being righteous out of your own indignation because she's been rude about your LDR in the past does not put you in the position to correct her behaviour on a particular thread. I would ignore it and report it to the authority who can directly handle it, if need be. I wouldn't confront her about a particular thread/behaviour unless she's specifically PMed or targetted you by name on that thread.

[thebadlydrawnfox]

Based on her 'bait and switch' of posting the photo with an ambiguous title and then swooping in when everyone understood it in the most obvious way, I would say that this woman enjoys drama. If you do send her a PM telling her what you think, be prepared to be dragged into the theatre of her life.

I understand how frustrating it is to be socially bound to someone you don't like through other friends, but sometimes I think it's worth ignoring them unless the problem is really affecting you. Is her poor opinion of your LDR truly hurtful to you? She doesn't sound like she is an expert is committed and loving relationships, and you know from all the success stories here that there is so much potential for any LDR as much as for proximal relationships, so if you can I'd advise you to ignore her comments. If she is just annoying you, I'd leave it to avoid the possible hassle of getting too involved with her. If she is actually being hurtful, though, I'd speak up in as rational a way as possible.

Best of luck!

[Tooki]

Write something more in-depth in a PM, but say something less detailed (but displays the same meaning) on the open forum. It might other posters enough confidence to display their perspective. Her attitude is more likely to change for the better if a few people speak up.

[triste]

Based on her 'bait and switch' of posting the photo with an ambiguous title and then swooping in when everyone understood it in the most obvious way, I would say that this woman enjoys drama. If you do send her a PM telling her what you think, be prepared to be dragged into the theatre of her life.

I agree with this! She sounds like a very immature, insecure and jealous woman. In this case, not jealous of your separation, but it would appear of the attention you were given due to it and henceforth any attention you would receive.

I've met people like this and I always have to question what it really is that makes them act the way they do. I always want to call them on their disrespect (I won't lie, I am a blunt individual and at times it comes out before I can stop it), etc...but I find them so insecure in themselves that you just end up getting pulled into a bigger mess. I think if you feel she will react maturely, give it to her straight. But if not, be subtle...no, she doesn't deserve it, but it saves you in the end. Lastly, as you saw today, by walking away...things calm down. I say write exactly what you feel, take a break and walk away from it, then read it, then pretend you are her, and remember her reactions. Then tailor it I hate sending that email too quick in anger only to regret it later.

Good luck!

PS- As a last resort, we could all send her nasty emails for insulting our forum indirectly Kidding, really, kidding.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

The easiest solution might just be to put her on your ignore list. She's words on a screen and you don't need to assign any more value to her than just that.