His bestie is also an ex...

[Gurl]

Hey, ya'll.

I need to vent, and maybe get some advice on how to nip this jealousy before it becomes a monster. This is super long but the last paragraph sorta hits the heart of what I'm asking. The rest is back story.

With in a very few days of talking Rick and I were talking about our current living arrangements. I live with my mom. He lived with several others, including an ex gf. He was straight up telling me about her, and that they are "better friends than anything else."

We even ended up talking about her extremely painful menstrual stuff....and he's sent me a few pics of the two of them that were quite recent. Well, much to my dismay she is not hideous...she's actually quite pretty.

Anyway, I've told him that it makes me jealous and insecure when he talks about her. I know they were friends and more well before he knew I existed. And he's assured me several times that they are merely friends, that he loves me and only wants to be with me. While I trust him....it's damn near impossible for me not to get a bit upset when he does mention her. How the hell do I deal with this... Had a similar problem when I was seeing my last SO, and they weren't even close. It is part of what started putting emotional distance between us & I can't bare to let history repeat its self.

I know I have a great personality. I know I know how to show someone what they mean to me. I even know I'm pretty damned good in bed. I just am having a hard time seeing what makes him want to be with me. He's good looking, sweet as hell, so its hard for me to figure out how he's even single lol lucky for me he is, and for some unfathomable to me reason he thinks he wants to build a life with me.

So, long story shorter... How can a person learn not to get so crazy jealous over the ex gf turned best friend? What can I do to get a little self esteem going to make it all a little easier? I've got a hell of a good man waiting for me again, I don't want to screw this up over stupid stuff!

And p.s.
He's still friendly with most if not all of his exs...just not so close with the others.

[Carenza LaRue]

He's still friendly with most if not all of his exs...just not so close with the others.



can you please explain this to me.... what others?

[Carenza LaRue]

oooo...... forgot...

self esteem comes from within you...

nothing he can do to build your self esteem or even break it down.

I think it's best to focus more on your own persona.... in these particular situations.
is he has a habit of remaining friends with exes.... well..... than that's his habit.....
nothing you can do about that.

but you can still talk to him, make sure he understands what it does to you and then it's up to him to change or not.

in the mean time, you find ways for yourself to build your self esteem. make sure you feel better about yourself, shift your attention to yourself for a while.
you will see.... it will get better every day.

[Gurl]

He's still friendly with most if not all of his exs...just not so close with the others.



can you please explain this to me.... what others?

His other ex gfs. They aren't close friends but they still speak, from what I gather. He & this one ex are super close friends, which I've known almost from the start. (was a day or two later when we talked about who he was living with at that time.)

[Carenza LaRue]

His other ex gfs. They aren't close friends but they still speak, from what I gather. He & this one ex are super close friends, which I've known almost from the start. (was a day or two later when we talked about who he was living with at that time.)

o my bad.... now I understand...

so his latest ex is his best friend..... and he talks to his other exes but he is not as close to them as his latest ex....

okay....
and how long between the latest ex and you?

[Gurl]

o my bad.... now I understand...

so his latest ex is his best friend..... and he talks to his other exes but he is not as close to them as his latest ex....

okay....
and how long between the latest ex and you?

I haven't asked...and I don't think she's his most recent ex. Just from conversation, he sounded like he'd been single for at least several months. I may consider asking about some of this. If they were together years ago, then that could help ease my unease...just gotta make sure I want to know the answer if its a super short time. Ty!

[rubydissolution]

So, I'm like your bf. I have a handful of exes and I'm friends with most of them and one of them in particular is one of my best friends. Here's what I do to make my bf comfortable with this. First of all, I was straight with him when we first got together. "Look I'm friends with my exes and Alex, one of my bff is also an ex" While he was uncomfortable about it, my next step was to introduce Alex to Charles and go from there. Much to my surprise, not only did the jealousy on his end completely vanish, but the two of them get along very very well. They talk (about me sometimes), they are friends on fb, they have inside jokes....its almost unsettling how well they get along actually lol.

So, maybe for you these feelings would go away if you got to know her or met her in person. This way you could see them around each other and relax a bit. I think most importantly you have to trust ur SO. Our SOs have a brilliant ability to see things within us that we do not see. Being called, sexy, pretty or any array of compliments are still over my head. But this is what he sees in me and that's why he's with me. So trust that he wants you, and only you and try to shake those feelings of why is he with me. BC he is and that's all that matters.

[Gurl]

Thanks, ruby. those are some great ideas. Unfortu.ately we live too far apart to meet face to face, but maybe he could introduce us on fb or by text. Something else for me to think about.

I do trust him, which is why this jealousy thing is making me nuts. He's not given me any reason to be jealous, and I need to fix this now so it doesn't screw up a good thing.

At least I'll have some ways of taking care of this to ponder when work gets slow later.

[rubydissolution]

Yea I was gonna recommend Skype, or texting or fb chat with the bff....but for some reason it didn't fit into my original post lol.

[lademoiselle]

I've been in the same position as you; one of my SO's good friends also happens to be an ex who he's still in pretty regular contact with, and I let it drive me crazy for way too long You have to remind yourself that exes are exes for a reason, plus there's no point in questioning why your SO is with you - if he is, he knows why! I think it's true that sometimes two people do work much better as friends than anything else, but you can mistake that connection for something more and end up as a couple. When it's over though and you meet someone else, you realise exactly why you aren't with your ex any more Try not to fret too much about it!

[Gurl]

Thanks so much ladies! I'm gonna have to do some deep thinking, and then I will talk to him once we get some talk time back on his phone. I don't think I'll leave this conversation to text messages...too much room for misinterpretation.

Besides, he randomly sends me texts that say "love you miss you thinking about you" which always seem to come just when I most need a smile.

[lucybelle]

It seems you've worked this all out, but I think straight males and straight females cannot be "best" friends. I'm not okay with it. If I were in your position I would be extremely uncomfortable about him living with an ex, especially one he's so close with. My SO is still cordial with his exes, and some we see often, but they're certainly not "besties". To me, it's not about trusting a boyfriend, it's about him respecting you. If you're not okay with it, he should find a new living situation when he can.

[XxFranticLovexX]

My closest friend is my ex and we still live together. The living situation is a little more difficult because it's better for me than moving back to my parents house but I would much prefer to live with my SO. Money and job opportunities are what is keeping me here, where as, if I moved back to my parents house while working on these things it wouldn't end well at all.
As for being 'best friends' (I very rarely use that term), my ex was my friend for a few years before we got together, most of our friends are mutual, and we get along great as friends. I see no reason to cut a friend from my life just because I have had another type if relationship with them in the past. He is only my friend, I am completely committed and faithful to my so, and I don't ever have an urge to be unfaithful to my so and do anything with him or go back to him.

To keep the jealousy down, and try to make it as easy on my so as possible, I have introduced the two of them, I talk to them both at the same time sometimes, we all three have conversations with each other, and they even talk to each other occasionally (through me because my so doesn't really actually talk to people much but he'll tell me what to say to him or vise-versa). He can call me whenever he likes or is able to do so and if he asks what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc then I let him know. I don't want him to be worried and jealous just because of the situation at hand so I find that it seems to make things better if I integrate him into the situation as well. Maybe you could talk to your so about it? Maybe have him say 'hi' to her for you sometimes or something, just to break the ice between the two of you, and then casually start bringing her into conversations at time. Maybe spend a few minutes or so with her as well when you visit your so. If you can see how they interact with one another and see how thing actually are with them (instead of what you imagine while being away) then maybe it will help you feel a bit better. *hugs* Good luck dear. <33

I think straight males and straight females cannot be "best" friends.

I know that this is your opinion, and I respect that, but I have to disagree. Almost every close friend that I have is male and I am a straight female. I don't think that there is any difference between males and females being friends than there is between females and females or males and males being friends. Anyone can hold a platonic relationship with anyone else and it's usually either a distrust (even if unnoticed) in yourself, your friend, or your partner that leads to people being skittish of both gendered friendships. If you have no feelings toward someone and trust yourself and the other person (or your so and the other person) to not form those feelings, or try to force them on you and pursue them with you while you are unavailable if they do, then you really don't view your friendship any differently than you do a friendship with someone of the same sex.

[Gurl]

He's actually moved back home to be near his mom who the doctors say may have less than five years. That does help a bit.

But I couldn't ask him to leave his former living arrangements simply because I knew he is trying to make it on unemployment insurance payments which aren't nearly enough to get by on. It was really cute how he was so blunt about who he was living with (like 5 others, one a small child) but mafe a point of tellin me he didn't share sleeping quarters with his ex. Guess that doesn't sound as cute as when it happened....but anyways. It all boils down to trust him ordont...but I truly value your input as always just glad that whole bit changed wihout me interjecting mytwo cents.

[Gurl]

Thanks Frantic. It's helpful to hear from others who have similar friendships. It will all work out, but I hadn't thought of your suggestion of having him pas some short messages to break the ice. I will have to try that!