suddenly I have doubts

[Carenza LaRue]

woke up this morning with this nagging feeling of doubting if this relationship will last.

freaked me out, since my ticket is booked.... and with la little less than 2 months before meeting him.

reason is that he has been really 'cold' to me the last week.
I know there is a lot going on in his life at this moment so he doesn't have too much time for a little chat, but he said something last night that crawled into the back of my head.

this is what he said

or maybe i just have a lot of things going on in my life now. our relationship doesn't always revolve around you.


this actually made me mad and sad at the same time.

mad because he KNOWS I know it's not about me.....
sad because I only emailed him to ask how things are going and I get this answer.

don't know how it works with other people, but I am used to offer support to people who are facing a hard time... by doing things for them, or just be there for a talk. it has nothing to do with me actually.....

so I offered the man I love a virtual shoulder..... and I got this.

to me this cold answer is a sort of pinkish, soft red sort of flag alert.
this is not the way you talk to your GF right? we had our moments in the past.... but it was always with a sort of passion.... this is just cold and distant.
I got mad and told him I was just asking him how he is doing because I care ... and that love is a two way street..... I most certainly do not need to know any thing that happens in his life....but a little basic info on what is happening, is a must in my opinion.... I shouldn't have to drag info out of him, should I?

and if he does this right now.... he will do it again....
so I am worried....

love him to bits.... but no man is ever going to treat me like this....
I know now is not a good time to talk but we will have a good discussion about it some time later.

but for now..... doubts about this LDR have risen..... and I don't know what to do....
because I know I don't forgive and forget that easily..... this will linger for a long time.... how do we survive this? I don't know what his view on this is yet... but I sure do know that once I decide it's over, it's over.

any thoughts? I really would appreciate that because right now, I really have no clue how to handle this...

one day on cloud number 9..... the next straight into ... yeah what?
unbelievable!!!!

[Dezface]

When some people are stressed they can be mean and hurtful. I know because I'm one of them. I try extra hard to not be that way but sometimes it gets the best of me.

Like right now. I had a really crap day at work. All I want is to talk to my SO. And I did, for a bit. But then he had to go, for the same reason he does every Tuesday, and it pissed me off and i was cold during our goodbye. I *know* i was wrong. I knew it when I did it and I did it any way. It's my reaction to stress.

It sounds to me like this is what's going on with your SO. You shouldexplain to him that it is not ok for him to talk to you like that but you'd like to know what's upsetting him. See what he says and take it from there.

[digitalfever]

Everyone communicates differently and everyone deals with stress differently the important thing is having constructive methods to help you cope with stress and being able to communicate your need/wants/emotions when you are stressed.

I think the important thing here is to remember that he was stressed and he took it out on you. As his partner I would suggest giving him space with his issues and allowing him to come to you in the future. I’d have a quick conversation just letting him know that it’s OK if he’s stressed but to communicate that he doesn't want to discuss it in a respectful manner. Let it be known that stress isn’t a reason to be rude without consequence.

But I do think this is just part of being in any relationship

[Amelia]

i think what you have experienced is a normal reaction from someone who genuinely is stressed or busy. I have experienced something of a cold shoulder from my bf, when i asked what was wrong he got all defensive, but i asked him again and he ended up telling me and it was school related and i just happened to talk to him at a bad time. I gave him some time to settle down and then mentioned to him that if he needed someone to vent or talk to about anything i would be here to listen and offer any advice.

Now i can tell when something is wrong or he is stressed and i just dont try and bother him much i more wait for him to contact me.

you shouldnt be doubitng your relationship over this small little thing probably a one off now you know how he reacts

[Carenza LaRue]

okay okay.... I understand

stress can cause a lot of damage.... we have to find ways to communicate better...

sure..... but I am still worried...
because here I am now, 'safe' in my own country with my own people and things surrounding me.
if he is acting like this already when he is under stress......how will he react after I joined him in his country?
will he close up to me.... leave me on my own... let me sort out things in our relationship, claiming space for himself because he is stressed?

most important.... how will I react? I already know that I would react in a negative way, making things worse perhaps..

I sent him an email explaining why I am worried...he will respond as soon as he is able... I know for sure..
it's just that I am doubting myself now...... been through a lot of bad relationships already and I really am not waiting for more drama.

I fell for him because he seemed drama free... and yet.... it's there again.
not sure if I am causing drama myself now... maybe I see things too negative

but fact is, that I see a red flag coming up in the far distance.... and it makes me kind of desperate...

[Amelia]

well you dont know and you wont know until you go and see him, personally i dont know what its like leaving my country to see my SO because my SO lives in the same country but sometimes if we have had a fight before i go to see him i am extremely nervous about how it plays out... when in actual fact its better in person because we forget it all and just move on and it also helps to talk about this issues in person because then we can gauge whats really going on with the other person as well as their reactions and how their emotions...

try not to think too much into it, give your relationship a chance

[Carenza LaRue]

maybe you're right Amelia...

I should go and visit....
think that the problem with written communication is that you're free to interpret how things are written... and one is able to read and reread it again and again...
maybe I have had too much of this shit in the past.... and I am projecting this on my current relationship.

maybe I think too much..... and I should focus on other things.

but it's really hard for me to do so....

can't get rid of that feeling....

[Amelia]

i know its hard trust me i know, i am one of those people that read too much into things, i used to think when my bf would say hi to me i would be anoying him because hi sounds a bit harsh....

it takes time to stop having a certain reaction but eventually it goes away, you should focus on finally spending time with your SO in person pretty sure its what you have been looking forward to

[Verojoon]

I didn't read all the answers so sorry if I'm repeating others... I think for some people, the type of unburdening or opening up when faced with stress can take a long time to achieve... Actually reading this made me feel very guilty about last night... My SO used to stop talking to me completely if he had a bad day... or bad few days... It was like that for a loooong time and it drove me crazy... once he snapped out of it, he would assure me that he's always been like that with everyone in his life: his mom, previous girlfriends, etc. It's just who he is... Well over the years he opened up more and more to me... and it's just recently that he started reaching out to me when he has stress... It's recently that he's learned to lean on me and get support from me... I'm not sure how we got to that point... other than both of us deciding we would put a deliberate effort into the relationship... and probably me never giving up on him opening up to me.. always telling him I'm here if he needs me (without pushing him to talk to me...)

(I'm scared last night I screwed that up because we were talking on Skype and he admitted to me he was so upset he'd been drinking and smoking -- something he's quit -- and just then the Skype connection got really bad and disconnected.... when I looked at my phone to call him back I noticed how late it was so I sent him a text to say good night... but he opened up to me, and I got upset and didn't even stick around to talk it out with him...)

Anyways, sorry to hijack your post. I say it's definitely worth a visit... You guys may be better in person (or you may be worst...) but your ticket is bought now and you don't know unless you try!

[Carenza LaRue]

interesting....

as said...I sent him a message and told him I was worried..
he replied as I expected. but what kind of reply did I get?

he didn't answer my questions, didn't do anything to take my worries away.... instead of that I got a sort of 'OMG here we go again' reply back.

and again he got me mad.....
now he is pretending I am nagging...and ow.... gggrrrr..... can't even put it to words how that makes me feel...... I've been through all this before...and no more.

never expected him to do the same.

think I am going to ignore him for a while..... until my anger cools down.

[Verojoon]

interesting....

as said...I sent him a message and told him I was worried..
he replied as I expected. but what kind of reply did I get?

he didn't answer my questions, didn't do anything to take my worries away.... instead of that I got a sort of 'OMG here we go again' reply back.

and again he got me mad.....
now he is pretending I am nagging...and ow.... gggrrrr..... can't even put it to words how that makes me feel...... I've been through all this before...and no more.

never expected him to do the same.

think I am going to ignore him for a while..... until my anger cools down.

yes, ignore him for now... let your anger cool, and let him (hopefully) think about his reaction... I would be nervous too in your place... I could never talk to my ex-husband about anything without him acting like I was nagging him... Just try not to associate this too much with the problems you have in the past...

give it space... give it time... and reevaluate your feelings... You can't cancel your flight now, can you? So you might as well continue with the idea you will go see him but you can always change your mind later.... My SO and I had a big fight a few weeks ago that I didn't know if we could recover from, like you, it brought me back to some things in the past... I told him since my flight was already booked, I would still go visit him unless he didn't want me to.. I told him if it was an issue still by the time I went (it's not) we would talk about it in person and decide how to proceed... we would decide if it was our last visit, or something we could work out...

[MissMyHunni]

It sounds almoat as if hes too stressed out to take on any more, in the way that he hasn't the strength to deal with your emotions and insecurities, give him a little space, he will come round in his own time, hope this works itself out