Hey. I'm a noob here. I'm male, 37, divorced once, have an 8 yr old son that I have 50/50 custody of. I'm a professional engineer, have a good job, own my home, etc. Live in the Atlanta area of GA.
My SO is a 36 year old woman, has 4 kids (I know...sheesh...but they are really good kids and I adore them at this point). She came out of a very abusive relationship, no degree, no job, etc. at first, but had built a life, gotten custody of her kids back, got 2 year degree, working on 4 year degree, and has court orders that her ex- can't contact her or the kids, etc. In other words, she's accomplished alot since she got free and has demonstrated she's a very strong woman. I want to stress that I've been kind of thunderstruck by this woman since I set eyes on her the first time, and have fallen head over heels in love w/ her. She used to live real close to me, but recently relocated to FL for the proverbial job she couldn't turn down.
Her job here was a crappy hours retail job. Low paying. Hard to make it w/ her salary and 4 kids and her ex- screwing around on not paying child support. Also, she's from Florida, had started college but never finished in FL, and had since done all online classes from FL schools because her credits wouldn't transfer to GA schools for some reason. Not sure why, but mainly I figured that the schools just wanted more money from making you pay them to take the classes.
Anyway, leading up to December she was having a rough time. Crappy hours, low pay, financial struggles, online classes, all also added up to no quality time w/ her kids. I was actually spending more quality time w/ her kids than she was. My son also loved being with them, so it was working out on my side just fine. And I was happy to help out. I knew it was temporary, her classes would finish, the holiday season would end, and her time would stablize.
All along, she has been hesitant to take a next step (moving in/marriage) with me unless she could bring enough to the table that I wouldn't be having to take on extra burdens to support her and her kids. Again...strong woman that doesn't want to be rescued and wants to be a responsible partner that isn't a leech on anyone. I greatly respect that about her. I guess I don't care how much money she makes or anything like that because I love her for her, as she is. And if she kept working her retail job, or even found something else, I would not have been unfairly put upon if we had taken a next step. We had talked about it alot, and had around Thanksgiving finally decided to go ahead and make plans to do it. We were looking at pre-marital programs, move in time tables, when to switch kids schools, etc. when they moved into my house. It's a 5 bedroom house. I've got plenty of space. And after being together so long, I wanted them.
She also got issues that bubble up sometimes from her past abuse. I try to be as safe as I can when it hits her, but she has habits that formed before that now interfere w/ communication. She's afraid to speak up when she wants or needs something. I don't understand completely what's going on w/ her at these times, and it's hard. There are times when she doesn't speak up that how I'm trying to handle things is not what she wants. When I finally find out, I adjust, but it can sometimes be months before she speaks up. It gets frustrating, and we've had issues because of it.
Now, I had also promised my son a long time ago (a few years) when I could afford it, I'd take him on a trip just me and him. Booked it last February...cruise for him and me, for 1st week of this past December. Time came for the cruise, and she was in the midst of a rough period between long retail hours, online classes, kid demands, etc. And we got into a rough period about communication again. At the same time. So I think she was hitting a point of extreme stress, and I didn't mean to, but didn't understand what she needed (only now getting so I understand PTSD and issues from severe abuse better because it's only been recently she finally opened up more about what happened to her).
Enter her sister who works in FL for a large federal agency as a procurement officer. Her sister swept in and got her a job offer from a contractor to this federal agency. The job does the following:
-Doubles her pay and then some. She doesn't have to worry about ex- not paying CS.
-Regular M-F 9-5 type hours. No more nights/weekends working. So much better quality time w/ kids.
-it's in the same town as the school she's taking online classes, so she can finish her degree much easier.
-She had quit school before due to ex-'s pressure. She sees this a chance to basically make up for past wrong and accomplish something really big for herself by getting her degree.
-She didn't have insurance bennies before. She does now.
-She's in a major project management role and is learning about project management, HR, government contracting, logistics, etc. It's her first real professional job and will be a major resume builder.
Here's the catch: She didn't tell me a word about the job or the move until she'd already gone to FL to start the job. Not one sentence. I left for the cruise thinking I was keeping a promise I'd made to my son before I'd met her, and was coming back to take a next step and build a family w/ her. I came back, got off the boat, clicked on phone, and got a voice mail telling me she had gotten the offer 4 days before I left and she didn't tell me, and she had already left to go start the job.
She says now that she said other things like wanting to get her degree, build a better sense of self from being able to take care of herself and her kids, and be able to come back when she had her degree and could find a better job so I wouldn't have the potential of being extra burdened by her and her kids.
I didn't hear any of it. I heard she knew was leaving, didn't tell me, but was already gone, and tuned out. Deleted the message right then pretty much in shock. There's been quite a bit of fallout.
We have talked, she's owned up to she should have told me, and came back for a visit w/ me the weekend before Xmas. She asked me what she could do to save things at that point, and I told her there are options. We had lots of talk time about things, and she seemed to be considering coming back immediately without me really prompting her at first. When she asked me what I thought of that, I told her I'd be on board with it. Then I also told her I thought the impulsiveness she made this jump with was unhealthy and I thought she needed some serious counseling for her abuse issues. I think she ran to escape her stressors here in a bit of a panic mode. I think she was also afraid to speak up just out of habit and that's why she didn't tell me. I told her if we're going to make it after this, she's got to get help for her abuse issues, and I can't fix her.
Then I went to my parent's in VA for Xmas, and she went back to FL (she has local family where she is now too, they had her kids). Until that VM, i thought i was going to be spending Xmas with her, all our kids.
She ultimately decided to stay down there for now. She says she might come back sooner than she thought originally, but she's been vague and it just leaves me hanging not knowing.
It has been a very rough adjustment for me and I have not done well with it. At the same time, I know I love her deeply and want to give things a chance. She's been busy w/ getting settled into the new job, finding a new home for her and her kids, getting them set up in school, etc. There has been no discussion of anything specific regarding the relationship. How often we visit? Plan for reunion other than when she gets her degree, but that's not certain either. No talk about what long distance will look like for us. And when i try to bring it up, she responds by saying she can't figure that out because she's got too much else going on.
I want to try to do this long distance, but w/ the way it started and not being able to put in place boundaries for it that will work us both yet, it's really hard. The communication issues, knowing she has these abuse issues that at least contributed to what happened, not knowing what our long distance relationship "management plan" is...it's just left me twisting in the wind until she gets around to feeling up to working it all out.
I do believe she's genuine in her feelings for me, and I dont' begrudge her taking this job. She had tried to find a better job here, and the opportunities just aren't there for someone w/ no degree and no experience.
I have a big problem now with the avoidance of our issues to work out. I want to try this, but the being left hanging part right now is killing me. I also don't know if she'll ever grow past her issues and communication will get better...I mean if she couldn't communicate effectively close by, how's she gonna do it long distance?
I see so many land mines, but for a guy that isn't done yet w/ her, does anyone have any advice for how to proceed in a way that gives things a chance? I guess that's my question. How do I navigate this w/ her and be able to do this successfully? What do I need to do? What should I be looking for from her? etc. Hoping someone can point me in the right starting direction.
My SO is a 36 year old woman, has 4 kids (I know...sheesh...but they are really good kids and I adore them at this point). She came out of a very abusive relationship, no degree, no job, etc. at first, but had built a life, gotten custody of her kids back, got 2 year degree, working on 4 year degree, and has court orders that her ex- can't contact her or the kids, etc. In other words, she's accomplished alot since she got free and has demonstrated she's a very strong woman. I want to stress that I've been kind of thunderstruck by this woman since I set eyes on her the first time, and have fallen head over heels in love w/ her. She used to live real close to me, but recently relocated to FL for the proverbial job she couldn't turn down.
Her job here was a crappy hours retail job. Low paying. Hard to make it w/ her salary and 4 kids and her ex- screwing around on not paying child support. Also, she's from Florida, had started college but never finished in FL, and had since done all online classes from FL schools because her credits wouldn't transfer to GA schools for some reason. Not sure why, but mainly I figured that the schools just wanted more money from making you pay them to take the classes.
Anyway, leading up to December she was having a rough time. Crappy hours, low pay, financial struggles, online classes, all also added up to no quality time w/ her kids. I was actually spending more quality time w/ her kids than she was. My son also loved being with them, so it was working out on my side just fine. And I was happy to help out. I knew it was temporary, her classes would finish, the holiday season would end, and her time would stablize.
All along, she has been hesitant to take a next step (moving in/marriage) with me unless she could bring enough to the table that I wouldn't be having to take on extra burdens to support her and her kids. Again...strong woman that doesn't want to be rescued and wants to be a responsible partner that isn't a leech on anyone. I greatly respect that about her. I guess I don't care how much money she makes or anything like that because I love her for her, as she is. And if she kept working her retail job, or even found something else, I would not have been unfairly put upon if we had taken a next step. We had talked about it alot, and had around Thanksgiving finally decided to go ahead and make plans to do it. We were looking at pre-marital programs, move in time tables, when to switch kids schools, etc. when they moved into my house. It's a 5 bedroom house. I've got plenty of space. And after being together so long, I wanted them.
She also got issues that bubble up sometimes from her past abuse. I try to be as safe as I can when it hits her, but she has habits that formed before that now interfere w/ communication. She's afraid to speak up when she wants or needs something. I don't understand completely what's going on w/ her at these times, and it's hard. There are times when she doesn't speak up that how I'm trying to handle things is not what she wants. When I finally find out, I adjust, but it can sometimes be months before she speaks up. It gets frustrating, and we've had issues because of it.
Now, I had also promised my son a long time ago (a few years) when I could afford it, I'd take him on a trip just me and him. Booked it last February...cruise for him and me, for 1st week of this past December. Time came for the cruise, and she was in the midst of a rough period between long retail hours, online classes, kid demands, etc. And we got into a rough period about communication again. At the same time. So I think she was hitting a point of extreme stress, and I didn't mean to, but didn't understand what she needed (only now getting so I understand PTSD and issues from severe abuse better because it's only been recently she finally opened up more about what happened to her).
Enter her sister who works in FL for a large federal agency as a procurement officer. Her sister swept in and got her a job offer from a contractor to this federal agency. The job does the following:
-Doubles her pay and then some. She doesn't have to worry about ex- not paying CS.
-Regular M-F 9-5 type hours. No more nights/weekends working. So much better quality time w/ kids.
-it's in the same town as the school she's taking online classes, so she can finish her degree much easier.
-She had quit school before due to ex-'s pressure. She sees this a chance to basically make up for past wrong and accomplish something really big for herself by getting her degree.
-She didn't have insurance bennies before. She does now.
-She's in a major project management role and is learning about project management, HR, government contracting, logistics, etc. It's her first real professional job and will be a major resume builder.
Here's the catch: She didn't tell me a word about the job or the move until she'd already gone to FL to start the job. Not one sentence. I left for the cruise thinking I was keeping a promise I'd made to my son before I'd met her, and was coming back to take a next step and build a family w/ her. I came back, got off the boat, clicked on phone, and got a voice mail telling me she had gotten the offer 4 days before I left and she didn't tell me, and she had already left to go start the job.
She says now that she said other things like wanting to get her degree, build a better sense of self from being able to take care of herself and her kids, and be able to come back when she had her degree and could find a better job so I wouldn't have the potential of being extra burdened by her and her kids.
I didn't hear any of it. I heard she knew was leaving, didn't tell me, but was already gone, and tuned out. Deleted the message right then pretty much in shock. There's been quite a bit of fallout.
We have talked, she's owned up to she should have told me, and came back for a visit w/ me the weekend before Xmas. She asked me what she could do to save things at that point, and I told her there are options. We had lots of talk time about things, and she seemed to be considering coming back immediately without me really prompting her at first. When she asked me what I thought of that, I told her I'd be on board with it. Then I also told her I thought the impulsiveness she made this jump with was unhealthy and I thought she needed some serious counseling for her abuse issues. I think she ran to escape her stressors here in a bit of a panic mode. I think she was also afraid to speak up just out of habit and that's why she didn't tell me. I told her if we're going to make it after this, she's got to get help for her abuse issues, and I can't fix her.
Then I went to my parent's in VA for Xmas, and she went back to FL (she has local family where she is now too, they had her kids). Until that VM, i thought i was going to be spending Xmas with her, all our kids.
She ultimately decided to stay down there for now. She says she might come back sooner than she thought originally, but she's been vague and it just leaves me hanging not knowing.
It has been a very rough adjustment for me and I have not done well with it. At the same time, I know I love her deeply and want to give things a chance. She's been busy w/ getting settled into the new job, finding a new home for her and her kids, getting them set up in school, etc. There has been no discussion of anything specific regarding the relationship. How often we visit? Plan for reunion other than when she gets her degree, but that's not certain either. No talk about what long distance will look like for us. And when i try to bring it up, she responds by saying she can't figure that out because she's got too much else going on.
I want to try to do this long distance, but w/ the way it started and not being able to put in place boundaries for it that will work us both yet, it's really hard. The communication issues, knowing she has these abuse issues that at least contributed to what happened, not knowing what our long distance relationship "management plan" is...it's just left me twisting in the wind until she gets around to feeling up to working it all out.
I do believe she's genuine in her feelings for me, and I dont' begrudge her taking this job. She had tried to find a better job here, and the opportunities just aren't there for someone w/ no degree and no experience.
I have a big problem now with the avoidance of our issues to work out. I want to try this, but the being left hanging part right now is killing me. I also don't know if she'll ever grow past her issues and communication will get better...I mean if she couldn't communicate effectively close by, how's she gonna do it long distance?
I see so many land mines, but for a guy that isn't done yet w/ her, does anyone have any advice for how to proceed in a way that gives things a chance? I guess that's my question. How do I navigate this w/ her and be able to do this successfully? What do I need to do? What should I be looking for from her? etc. Hoping someone can point me in the right starting direction.
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