30+ Sharing finances LD

[arrah5]

I need to bounce some ides off y'all before presenting it to my SO so I can do it right.

My SO is in a precarious position, and now that we have discussed finances a bit, I understand a bit more. He is still legally married though he hasn't lived with his wife for over a year now, and because there is no legal arrangement, he has agreed to pay the rent on the house they shared together in lieu of paying child support. His name is still on the lease, and they had signed a 2 year lease before he moved out, which doesn't expire until Jan, 2014. He has already informed her that he will not continue to pay her rent once the lease is up, or the divorce is final, whichever comes first. He has been actively trying to get a divorce from this woman since March, but legal fees are very expensive where he lives and he is having a hard time finding a lawyer to go to bat for him. The wife is very vindictive and wants to drag this divorce out for as long as she can.

I have already told him that he needs to stop "helping" her out when she finds that she doesn't have enough to pay the electric bill, or the water bill. But he has a hard time letting go due to the fact that he doesn't want to have his kids suffer for her vindictiveness. She threatens to let the kids take cold showers, and go hungry if he doesn't help. So she is doing what she can to keep him from being able to afford a lawyer. He has a really good job and makes decent money. I have explained to him that his kids live 5 minutes away, if they need a hot meal they can come over and they will get one, if they need a hot shower, they have access, and if they need a warm bed to sleep in, then it can be provided, and he needs to keep track of when these things happen so he can use it to prove her unfit down the road. She got government assistance for food, claiming they are separated, and supporting 6 people, 4 kids, herself, and a unemployed sister.

He has agreed to stop "helping" her, all he's doing is enabling her to continue being lazy and selfish. He has many bills leftover from his marriage that he is trying to pay off so they don't follow him into our relationship. He currently lives with his parents, because he cant afford a place of his own, and he pays the garbage bill at their house as his rent, along with pitching in for groceries once a month.

I have been divorced for almost 3 years, and have managed to become financially stable through making some very wise decisions. I have a good job and make decent wages for the area I live in. I am by no means well off, but we do alright, and for the most part, my kids don't want for much. I get my monthly bills paid on time and in full. And I have a savings built up, its comfortable. I am able to afford trips to see my SO without it being a financial burden, unlike him. I also get 3 large bonus checks a year, and by large I mean upwards of $5-8,000, and that's what keeps me comfortable. I keep my expenses minimal, and I don't flaunt my money. My SO is aware of the kind of money I make, and hasn't asked me for a dime, and has even offered to help pay for my hotel room when I come to visit.

I am considering opening up a joint "divorce" account that we can both put extra money into when we have it. That way when he needs money for lawyers and such he can have it accessible. I don't really see it as giving him my hard earned money, I see it as investing in our future together. However, I am only willing to do this for him if he agrees to stop supporting his wife's laziness, and stop giving in to her threats. And then once the divorce is over, we can use that account to save up to close the distance, or to put away money for a down payment on a house.

I know that we are going to be together, we plan to live together and be married. I love this man deeply, and want the best for him, and I can honestly say that if things between us don't work out, I wont be sorry for trying to help him.

So, my question is, knowing all that, do you feel this joint "divorce" account is a prudent idea, or the biggest mistake I could ever make?

[Ahava]

I think it sounds like a good idea!
Especially as you said that if things don't work out between you too, you won't be regretting having helped him financially.

[dragonlady]

its a good idea but not to let him get to it, why? because he is stil "helping" his ex and might use that money to help her again! arent there any pro deo?
i geus that is not an option or else you would have by now.
i understand the situation is though (been in kinda the same situation) but if he doesnt take steps (like calling child support stuff that his childs arent beeing well and such) yes it will be hard on his kids and on him but this is a circle and unless he does something it will go round and round (besides if his name is on the account his ex can claim the half of it because he is still married)

don't know if it makes any sense and i am not judging you , dont get me wrong! but unless he puts his foot down it wont help jack...
good luck with this hard situation!

[arrah5]

(besides if his name is on the account his ex can claim the half of it because he is still married)

That's a very good point! Thank you for thinking of that, it didn't even occur to me! I honestly don't think he would use the money in that account to help the wife. I trust him enough to not do that. But I certainly don't want to enable him to continue to support her, I do want him to contribute to the account as well.

[Moon]

He would have to disclose this account in his divorce settlement, he cannot legally keep it secret. If you're sure you want to do this, open the account in your name only, he can Paypal you his money. You also need to protect yourself here, and I'm sorry if I upset you, but it looks like you're only together about 4 months, and personally, I wouldn't be comfortable ever doing something like that after so short a time. I'm not saying he'd ever do anything dishonest, but you've worked really hard to get where you are, and you need to protect that, no matter what. Good luck.

[Hollandia]

I would not put his name on it at all. The wife cannot touch it if it is only in your name. He could possibly make a side agreement with you to pay "room/board" to you for the time he spends at your place and simply send you whatever cash he can when he can. If you trust each other, his name should not have to go on it. If he needs any of it at some point you can pull it out and pay the lawyers fees yourself. There is no rule against that, that I am aware of. I would consult legal aid in your state and ask if you can too.

[lucybelle]

I don't like the idea. My SO and I kept everything separate and 50/50 until we got married. Even while we were living together before marriage we never merged anything. I guess if you want to throw him a few hundred bucks every once in a while that's fine. But I wouldn't set up an account like that.

[arrah5]

He would have to disclose this account in his divorce settlement, he cannot legally keep it secret. If you're sure you want to do this, open the account in your name only, he can Paypal you his money. You also need to protect yourself here, and I'm sorry if I upset you, but it looks like you're only together about 4 months, and personally, I wouldn't be comfortable ever doing something like that after so short a time. I'm not saying he'd ever do anything dishonest, but you've worked really hard to get where you are, and you need to protect that, no matter what. Good luck.

I appreciate your honesty, I was hoping you would comment, you are very good at the devils advocate stuff!

After thinking on this some, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to start this until December of this year anyways, with my next bonus check I have to pay for my middle child to get braces, and all sorts of summertime activities so there goes that. My next bonus check, after summer, comes in December, and we will have been together for almost a year at that point. And between my bonus check, and my Christmas bonus, (plus the massive amounts of overtime we will be working during that time of the year) I will be all set for Christmas gifting (no worries there). And then my next bonus check arrives in mid Jan. Followed quickly by my tax return, and then his tax return, and he gets a bonus check mid March. By March he will have been separated for 2 years, and can legally divorce her without having to supply a reason, and we will have been together for well over a year by then. And, I promise not to put his name on the account before he is divorced, but I will make sure he has access to the funds. And this is all in the hypothetical here, I haven't mentioned any of this to my SO, and he hasn't asked for any sort of help. And I am sure he will say no, the first time I bring it up. I want to make sure we have thought of every angle before I present it to him around Sept.

Its a crappy situation to be in, in general. But I am too head over heels at this point to go back and change anything.

[iHeartt]

Hi! Great idea you have, but please don't put his name on anything till he is legally divorced. I'd be worried about even putting his name on an "additional card" you can get for such accounts. Check with an atty in his state to see what options you have!!
Good luck to y'all!

[JoeyBug]

Echoing what others have said. It's a great idea, in theory, it's when you put it into reality that the problems arise. As Moon said, you've only been together four months, but reading later I see that you don't intend to even set up the account until December time when you'll have been together longer. However, I do agree with others who say that putting his name ANYWHERE on the account will mean he has to declare it in his divorce and then that means his ex wife could be entitled to some of the funds and that is the last thing you want.

I personally wouldn't do it until I was CD, mostly because of international LDR and all of that, but you know the guy and we don't so maybe consult an attorney and ask what you're able to do legally for the both of you in both of your situations. Work off that and go from there. Good Luck!