How will it end - 30+ and in love with somebody far far away...

[haribo0603]

Hello Cato, I have read your posts. I suppose both of you are related to research work. I heard many couples in such job are in LDR, and I am, too. I know it is very difficult to find two positions in the same country. But the style of working is more flexible than working in a company. Both of you can apply for the same conference and meet each other there. Unfortunately I have no good advice, but we can share a pain of LDR.

[Cato]

Hello Cato, I have read your posts. I suppose both of you are related to research work. I heard many couples in such job are in LDR, and I am, too. I know it is very difficult to find two positions in the same country. But the style of working is more flexible than working in a company. Both of you can apply for the same conference and meet each other there. Unfortunately I have no good advice, but we can share a pain of LDR.

Research is a part of the job, flexibility is not really in our dictionaries...

Haribo, I've read your logs... And due to what I read there, and what's happening with Alizee right now, I'm asking myself another question.

Do we accept too much from our LD-SO?
I mean... In my case, I've we would have lived in the same city, I don't know if I would have accepted not hearing a thing from him every day...
Now I'm accepting it. But don't I make it too easy? For example, my SO is too busy for a girlfriend in his own surrounding. Now he's got me, we visit in holidays or go on holiday together, see each other on conferences... and right now, me in my doubting period is now wondering if he doesn't see me as a nice present or gift. Only the good things of the relation, without the bad things... Regular one-night-stand?
And I know he loves me... But I'm a little bit insecure about everything right now...

But... a few weeks and then: Together again!

[OperaDiva]

Do we accept too much from our LD-SO?
I mean... In my case, I've we would have lived in the same city, I don't know if I would have accepted not hearing a thing from him every day...

Hmmm. Every relationship being different, I still don't think it is a matter of putting up with certain behavior because you are LD. For instance, I wouldn't accept not hearing from him every day (for now we have been on Skype almost every night, and IM if we couldn't). If he does something that busts my boundaries, I tell him, we talk about it. I think it is up to you to bring up something that bothers you and to discuss it in a mature way.

I know he loves me

There is a difference between somebody telling you they love you and showing you by being consistent in their actions. A real relationship needs to be consistent and needs to develop. If you feel this is not happening, talk to him.

[Cato]

I'm just insecure... This week I also spend not enough time at him... We're so busy...
My former LDR was broken (by him) because I didn't spend enough time at him in his opinion... But I wasn't able to give more (and I didn't receive much back).

And now I'm scared I'll end in the same situation again... 2 busy people... Perfect if they're together (and I feel the love), but apart if they are apart...
I'm too old for a LDR... I want to be together

[Cato]

And I know I am not allowed to judge...
But the stories of Alizee and Haribo are so sad in my opinion.. They love/loved so much, and in my opinion don't receive what they deserve based on what they give... And really make me question... Priority, pleasant extra or back up?
Are the last 2 more common in LDR? That we think it's a LDR - but it's just a prolonged ONS...

I just miss him In a depri-far-away-mood.... And the stupid time difference is not helping!!!

[OperaDiva]

My former LDR was broken (by him) because I didn't spend enough time at him in his opinion...

OK, first off, your SO is not your ex. Repeat that to yourself a few times. Whatever you do in this relationship has to be for this relationship only, and directed at your SO, not an attempt to correct past mistakes. They are in the past, and for a reason.

Priority, pleasant extra or back up?

Who do you want to be? "Act the way you want to be and soon you will be the way you act." (Bob Dylan) If you want to be priority, don't let him make you an option, an extra or a back-up. Don't let yourself become less than you deserve. Even if the relationship is not meant to be, you will have your self-respect, which is all you need to get up and keep fighting.

And yeah, nobody deserves heartbreak, it made me sad as well. All you can do is move forward, one foot in front of the other, and hope that one day it will be better.

[Cato]

Priority of course...

I'm just scared of being hurt... And if I'm not with him, I'm building a wall around me again and try to sabotage everything...
And yes, he needs to give me more attention because I seem to need it, and he does that if I ask for it.... But I just want to wake up next to him...

[OperaDiva]

I just want to wake up next to him...

I know

[Cato]

Thank you and your wise words

[Cato]

I don't know it anymore... We love each other. But are too busy for a LDR?

[Cato]

He comes! Happy me!!!