Any "over 40?" members?

[autumn1790]

42 here.

Love this picture!

[Tonyg]

Hi, I am new to this site and am seeking advice, opinions and please be brutally honest. I am a male and will be 61 years old this month. I've been with my SO for 19 years. We've lived in Utah for 14 years and 7 months ago she accepted a job in Ca.
I must remain in Utah for at least one more year before I am able to retire. I have never experienced a LDR and am suffering with loneliness and sadness. We see each other about every two weeks for 3 day visits. In reading some other post my situation appears easy but I don't feel that way. I find myself obsessing constantly and sometimes the sadness is persistent and unbearable. When I wake up in the morning the felins are the worst.
After this first 7 months I feel that I am not moving forward.With 12 more months to go I am in a panic. I really think I am weak and a wimp as I am taking sleeping pills and an anti-depressant. I am also seeing a therapist. I even adopted a wonderful dog from a shelter. I really love him! All these things are helping somewhat but I cannot get past the constant grief that I am experiencing.
My symptoms are all and only related to what I feel as abandonment due to the separation. What I really find weird is that I start feeling depressed while she is still visiting me as I anticipate her departure. Am I hopeless and a mess?
Please let me know if I am the only one that processes this type of situation with anxiety in this manner? Please help me and don't hold back any punches. I want to get past this ever so badly.
Many thanks in advance....

[erwin1973]

Hi Tony,

Wow... That sounds like you're going through a difficult time. My first advice would be: start a new thread so everyone can see it and give you advice.

Keeping busy - I see you're trying to do that - is usually the best. You must love your SO a lot.

[Bluebonnet]

Yep. In the 50's here. I gave up ever finding the right man at age 35. And literally, haven't dated.

About 3 months ago, I had an old flame contact me and want to get together. We live about 190 miles from each other.

We've kept in touch over the years via Facebook but nothing major. Just 'Happy Birthday" and "Did you get ____'s new album and what do you think about it?" I knew he was living with a woman he'd been with since 1999 or something.

Anyway, he told me they split up last year and he really wants us to go out and visit me since we always had fun together. Could I spend the weekend with him in his town? Now he and I never were in a "relationship". It was all very G-rated. LOL! I had a crush, and he wasn't ready to settle down (this was in 1992) and he was honest and respectful about it.

He was very adamant about me letting him know when I could come see him so I can see his new house, etc. Yet everytime I threw a calendar date out there (three times), each time, he would say "Let me check and I'll let you know." Now, he IS a musician and producer so he's crazy busy. Keep that in mind.

He would never get back with me all three times. Or if he did, it would be about another subject. So I finally told him I didn't care to see him. I told him he was flaky and clearly didn't want to see me badly enough so I was done.

Immediately, he texted and called and texted and called; begging me to forgive him as he had to fill in for someone else on a gig and then had to sing in two funerals, etc.

Then in our conversation I told him I just didn't feel he was commitment material. He hadn't even married that ex girlfriend. He then tells me they DID marry in 2004 and that it was for a tax break. She cheated on him and left him in 2016.

Here's the kicker: the divorce hasn't even been filed. He said they have to figure out how to split up their assets.

I told him that I refuse to spend time with him until his divorce is final.

I'm at an age where I'm sick and tired of being alone and he and i have great chemistry. I'm 52. Who else is there?

Is this normal with LDR?

[Bluebonnet]

Mods, can you please delete the post? I am no longer interested in being on this forum.

[alecat316]

I'm 52 and my SO just turned 51. I have 3 grown sons and 3 granddaughters. My SO is deployed and since he's been gone, I have finished 2.5 semesters of college, graduated, found a job, bought a car and found us an apartment. I think it's about time for him to come home. What do you think? lol

[AquaOcean]

Newly signed up and yep, over 40 here! We both are single parents of two and own and run our own businesses. We are kid free on the same weekends, which we sometimes manage to meet up. I miss him greatly. School holidays are approaching, and while he doesn't have his kids these school holidays, I have mine. So it might be October when I can see him again.

[krisinclt]

I'm 50 and SO is 48. He had to relocate for a year for his job. We'd been seeing each other for about 3 months before he left earlier this week. I'm cautiously optimistic that we'll be able to make this work We should be able to see each other every 6 weeks or so, which isn't bad at all.

[Starrynight]

Insight for late 40s w kids

Hi, I just joined today, hoping to find support among strangers, as there's only so much I want to share with personal friends. (Nor do personal friends even have the time or insight for LDRs.) After reading a bunch of threads written by people much younger than me, I finally found this thread. (It's been a year since this post; are you still here? How are you each doing? Healing, thriving and surviving, I hope.)
I'm (never married, no kids) in a LDR (28 months now) with a divorced man with 3 kids, ages 11-19. He lives 250 miles away. About 4-5 hours by car, with traffic. We talk every day, at least for 20-40 minutes. But never while he's at work. He's swamped there. We love each other, but often I feel low on his priority list. Not sure if it's imagined or real. (He says it's imagined.) I try to pay more attention now to actions, more than just words. He says I'm important, but it seems work and his kids come first. He works a lot (55-60 hours/week) and makes weekends w his kids seem like a huge project to get ready for. We see each other when he doesn't have his kids. While he is loyal to our schedule to see each other every 2-4 weekends, after the first day together, he's already thinking about running to where his kids are, which leaves me feeling short changed, as I try to be understanding. We see each other often enough, and for that, I'm grateful. But, I do feel that now, it's just maintenance, and no longer fun. It's hard convincing him to go to new places with me, whether locally or on a once-a-year vacation. I feel he's emotionally/mentally tuned out, 80% of the time, whether in person, or on video chat. (He disagrees). I feel the romance/courtship ended about 12-15 after we first met. It's possible I'm just attention-starved. What makes it challenging is that we have no plan for the future. I've asked to come up with a plan together but we have no solution. His youngest is still young, and I have close family and friends where I am. Also what's odd is he seems to like to neatly keep me apart and away from his 3 kids. While he has met my family, and spent time with them 3-4x a year, he has not yet invited me to join him for Thxgiving or Xmas w his kids. Those are events he gets busy preparing for, and just don't feel like inviting myself anymore. The kids are kind of indifferent now, not chatty or curious like they were at first. We have had few to no opportunities to get acquainted. When I've tried, I get single-word answers, which I understand is common. I would like us to get better acquainted but that's up to my SO to arrange. It's weird for all this time to pass and barely know his kids. But, I'm finding that the healthiest thing for me is to go with the flow, keep my own life busy, enjoy our daily "check ins," give him credit for touching base daily, practice seeing the benefits of this relationship (friendship, companionship), rather than the what's lacking (not living in the same space, little emotional closeness). I know no relationship is perfect, and even some marriages lack emotional closeness, but it's what I want most. Hard in a LDR. I'm happier when I stop worrying about where this is going. I am fighting the doubtful side of my brain, and recognize that I should stop doubting whether it'll work out. I either decide to commit 100%, or end it and find someone locally. Tried breaking up w him 2x, and tried to take a break 2x, and each time it was me who missed him. He won't break up with me, even though he, too, feels he can't give me what I want, which is more attention and time. But he won't initiate ending it, either. I could use some outside perspective, as it gets cloudy from within. Hoping to get some honest feedback from men or women. Thank you for reading this far.

[EmmyLou]

Hi All, Wow am I glad I found this forum! It's so nice to hear from people who are in the same or similar boat as me. I'm 41 and have been in a LDR for about 2 years now. I'm Australian, he's American. And although it's a struggle being on opposites sides of the globe, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. That being said, we don't intend to be in a LDR forever, and we are exploring options for me to move to the US sometime next year. Just wanted to say hi really as I am new to this forum and it's my first post.
I can't wait to read more threads and hopefully gain more of an insight into what everyone else is experiencing. I'm sure I'll come across some very valuable advice along the way. Looking forward to talking to you all.

[erwin1973]

Hi and welcome. Hope you enjoy the forum.

[RWhiz]

Yup, I'm +40 and on here too. What I'm seeing on this site is that its far easier for us than the younger members. My GF and I are divorced, professionals who are planning on moving in together by mid summer. Far different than the younger group still making their way, not having the resources to see each other and having to finish school or some other life milestone before committing to each other.

I actually found this place while looking for some advice on working through the inevitable bumps in the road once we start living together. Anyhoo, I guess we can chalk one more seasoned member to the site .

[LifetimeLover]

54 yo and my SO is 58. We met as children and grew up as family. I was always attracted to him but he looked at me as a little sister. We both married and I didn't see him for 30+ years. Seven years ago our families started getting together on an annual vacation. Four years ago my husband and I divorced and my son and I have been attending the family vacations. I live in Colorado and he lives in California. Two years ago he and his wife separated and last year the divorce was final. After the family vacation he asked me to come back alone. We got together in August for six wonderful days and made plans to see each other again in November. November he came to see me in Colorado and we spent some time alone and some of the time with my son. He is a teacher and made the time with my son about my son. March 2018 - Just returned from a week visiting him in California and again it was wonderful. On the way to the airport he started a conversation about his retirement plans (in 7 years). Although they included me it was in the context of the way our relationship is now LD. We arrived at the airport and I was not able to tell him how I see my retirement - traveling with my spouse. I get that his divorce was finalized a year ago and may not be able to think of marriage at this time. In essence we have had 3 long dates much to early to talk about the future - but I am struggling now that I am home with whether I should talk to him about this or just let it rest because it is too soon. Anyone else struggle with this?

[4evercharm]

I am 40+ and she is 30+.... according to her, she cries all the time.

Love to support and talk about it.

[TaraMarie]

54 yo and my SO is 58. We met as children and grew up as family. I was always attracted to him but he looked at me as a little sister. We both married and I didn't see him for 30+ years. Seven years ago our families started getting together on an annual vacation. Four years ago my husband and I divorced and my son and I have been attending the family vacations. I live in Colorado and he lives in California. Two years ago he and his wife separated and last year the divorce was final. After the family vacation he asked me to come back alone. We got together in August for six wonderful days and made plans to see each other again in November. November he came to see me in Colorado and we spent some time alone and some of the time with my son. He is a teacher and made the time with my son about my son. March 2018 - Just returned from a week visiting him in California and again it was wonderful. On the way to the airport he started a conversation about his retirement plans (in 7 years). Although they included me it was in the context of the way our relationship is now LD. We arrived at the airport and I was not able to tell him how I see my retirement - traveling with my spouse. I get that his divorce was finalized a year ago and may not be able to think of marriage at this time. In essence we have had 3 long dates much to early to talk about the future - but I am struggling now that I am home with whether I should talk to him about this or just let it rest because it is too soon. Anyone else struggle with this?

After our third date I told my (now) husband that he would fall in love with me and marry me. He did.