30+ Am I overreacting???

[Unicorn26]

I'm so upset right now, the tears are streaming....

A little bit of background, last year my SO became very ill very suddenly. He disappeared with no word apart from a text to my mobile (cell) saying "on way to hospital" I heard nothing from him for almost 2 weeks as he was in ICU on life support due to accute liver failure. I had no family contact numbers, I was in the dark and it was the most awful thing I've ever been through. It upset me so much my hair started to fall out...

He promised me he would never disappear on me again. We keep in close contact, we FaceTime a couple of times a week and text every day. We have 6 hrs time difference, I am ahead. He will text me before I go to sleep and also send me a good morning text before he goes to sleep and I will send him a good morning text around my lunchtime.

Yesterday he was really busy (which is absolutely fine) and didn't text me until about midnight. I waited up to talk to him but I was so exhausted, I'm recovering from major surgery and I'm very tired all the time. I crashed on him at 1am my time and I didn't say goodnight. I woke up at 4am and realised what I'd done and texted him an apology but I was surprised as usually he will text something like "I guess you crashed on me! Goodnight I love you" but there was nothing. When I woke this morning there was no good morning text either. I text him when I woke up apologising again and asked him to text me if he woke in the night.

I heard nothing. Nothing until 6pm my time. He text me a line of kisses and I responded asking if he was ok. He said the dogs had kept him up all night and he had barely slept. I was so glad he was ok, but I'm so upset that he didn't think to spend 3 seconds to shoot me a text. He knows how much I worry when I don't hear from him, we've been through this so many times. He said his phone was over the other side of the room, but to me this is a really poor excuse seeing as he was up and down so many times.

I am not angry, I'm just so hurt by this. I feel like an afterthought, like I'm not important to him. Im struggling with the distance at the moment, I asked him to send me one of his worn t shirts a few weeks ago before I went into hospital but he didn't. I've asked him several times since and he's promised he will but to date he hasn't. We still have not met in person, I'm still waiting for him to agree to a date for him to visit. I don't care if this is in 10 months time I just need a date to focus on.

All these things are beginning it add up and really bother me. I don't know how to approach this with him without coming across as nagging, it's so hard! I love him to death but this hurts!!! I don't know what to do, help me please......

[differentcountries]

Yes, you are overreacting. He just forgot to text you.

At the other hand, I can see why you are frustrated. You want him to do extra things to show that he cares. You want to eventually see him. Now you have both been very ill and life seems short and unstable, and you want to know he is there.

Forget about the texts. Talk to him about your fear of loosing him. Talk to him about when to set a date for the visit. You have been together a long time without even meeting once. If money is a problem, perhaps the two of you can save up together.

[Unicorn26]

We have been together a long time. We have been good friends for longer and have helped each other through some really tough times.

He was all set to come over here last year but he got sick. He was very seriously ill and almost died. He had swelling on the brain and has only just been given the all clear almost 18 months later. He still has issues with fatigue and I get that, I give him leeway with that. I understand he will sometimes crash out. What bothers me is that he went 17 hours without contact. I asked him if he read my texts and he said yes, I just wish he'd responded! A simple "I'm ok just having a rough night" would have been ample information to ease my mind. Every time I hear nothing it brings back such hideous memories and I know I really need to keep a check on these bit it's so hard when he's so far away with no end in sight.

I've made a huge emotional investment in him. I know we have something super special I can feel it so strongly. I don't want to let him go but this is so tough. It just feels like a one way street right now.

I don't know how to approach this without appearing to be a nag or him getting defensive.

[Redheart14]

I don't think you've overreacted I think it's just built up over time, all the little things, and the no reply to the text
Is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Talk to him like DC said and tell him how you feel. Otherwise this will just bottle up and you'll explode at him over something as small as a text. Tell him you need a date to focus on for your first meeting. I'm sure once you tell him how important it is to you, he'll work things out to put your mind at ease.

[Miasmata]

Yeah, you are not going to come off like a nag if you explain yourself and tell him about your feelings and why you have them. Bottling it up is only going to hurt you both, and if he's worth his salt, he cares about hearing your feelings as much as you care about his wellbeing.

I lost people close to me early on life, so I've always been sensitive about loss, and I get rushes of anxiety and paranoia sometimes when it comes to the wellbeing of my SO. It's tough to manage, but it really does help that I talk with my SO about it. I don't tell him about every single time I get a thought like "What if something happened to him?", but I do tell him when things get too much and I can't manage the feelings alone anymore. I explained all these things to him as well as I could, and it really helped him to understand why I sometimes double- and triplecheck if he's okay and why I ask that he keeps in touch when he's going away for longer than a few hours. I do my best to take care of myself and acknowledge the thoughts; not ignore them, that only makes them stronger, but I just acknowledge them and pay them no further mind. Both my efforts to avoid following the thoughts and his efforts to communicate make it better. Of course I'm still going to have hard times with it and of course he could forget to text me/have connection problems/need to tend to an emergency or what have you, but the combined effort makes things much easier, still.

Don't keep your SO in the dark, because you deprive yourself of the best team you can have in these situations - Yourself AND your partner!

[p_b82]

I personally do think you are over reacting a bit, but circumstances do give you a valid reason for doing so.

I am forgetful with my phone, I often leave it in another room if I am at home - or sometimes just don't plain hear it.... and my typical response time can be 1min -> 24hrs if I have not needed to grab my phone to go out etc.

You need to worry less in general, yes you two had a scare, but he has been given the all clear and so you should not be assuming the worst every time there is a delay in his communication - that said, he needs to try to help you worry less.

It sounds like you need to have a proper talk about how is current relaxed attitude gives you the impression he doesn't care - you won't be able to sort it out and deal with things until you both do that I don't think.

[snow]

I think the reason he didn't text you is because he was not meeting the requirements to text you back! Simple as that. You said, he should text you back if he wakes at night, but he was up all night, so he didn't "wake up". Sometimes people are too literal.

[Unicorn26]

I'm glad to say we talked.

He doesn't think I overreacted, he doesn't think I overthought the situation and he acknowledged how tough our situation is. He says he totally understands why I reacted the way I did and promised he would never tell me to just get over it.

He's apologised to me, he says he didn't mean to worry me he was just highly agitated, over tired and crabby. He meant to text but everytime he went to text me the dogs would get up and start messing about and he was getting mad and didn't want to take his bad mood out on me. I explained that I'm here whatever mood he's in, I'm here for bad times as well as good. What ever difficulties either of us face I will still love him and support him. I'd rather he yelled at me and know he's ok than hear nothing and my mind go into overdrive and assume he's got sick again.

It was 2am his time when we talked, I told him to get some rest and hopefully he will be refreshed later on. Depending on how he's feeling later I will bring up setting a date for him to come over. I don't care how far away that is as long as it's in 2015 sometime.

Thanks for all your input. It's much appreciated. I feel so lucky to have this community that totally understands the unique feelings and problems associated with LDR.

Thank you xxx

[Miasmata]

Very good to hear that you talked it out As said, never be afraid to communicate about your feelings. You are a team, and you can help each other much better when both of you know what's up.

Also, don't neglect taking good care of yourself. When you feel anxious, you shouldn't make your wellbeing entirely dependent on your partner. He should make an effort to communicate, yup, but you should also make an effort to administer selfcare. Try what works for you - Some examples would be a hot bath (maybe with herbal oils), hot tea, yoga, a calm hobby like arts or crafts, guided meditation (you can find videos for that on Youtube) or calm music and/or nature sounds. (Here's a site that lets you put together your own combo of nature sounds and adjust their rhythm/volume: https://naturesoundsfor.me/ )

See what works for you - Your wellbeing deserves it

[Unicorn26]

Thanks miasmata

I do take good care of myself, I'm a mum of two and I'm fit and healthy and very active. I'm recovering from major surgery right now, I'm housebound and will be for at least another month. It's hard because I have nothing to take my mind of it at the moment and usually I'm super busy. I'm doing my best to stay focused on other things but when the kids are at school and I'm here alone it's tough. I can't lift anything heavy for at least another two months and can barely walk right now and I'm off work and not seeing that many people on a day to day basis. Usually I'd be doing a multitude of other things, going out with friends, walking my dogs, decorating my house, gardening etc but I can't do those things right now. I'm just in a position where I need a bit more support than usual. I'm fiercely independent and rely on no one but myself for my well being, he just enhances it in a really great way.

I think because I am so strong as a person he maybe doesn't realise I need that bit extra support at the moment.

When he was sick last year I sent him texts every day, updating him on what I was doing and sending photos etc he said that it really helped his recovery. He has been doing the same for me but not quite to the same extent. He's a guy, they're wired differently lol! I'm just glad we are ok again now. He's busy today and has let me know, and I'm thankful for that.

[farandaway]

I normally write at the International threads but as I signed in and saw a new thread here, I was amazed! I was going to write about the same thing, my SO's lack of enough communication. We don't have any fear of acute illness but it did happen last spring that he had heart problems and had to cancel his trip. When it was too late to he found out it was stress causing the symptoms.

These thoughts trouble me all the time. He doesn't understand how important it is for me to say a good night and a good morning. It takes only seconds but it makes all the difference. We write or talk every day but we normally talk in my evening and I like to plan our next day and our weekends, knowing what his schedule is like and if he will be there at what we call "our normal time". From the time we talk in his afternoon, he can easily go until the next day that time without saying a word. Then he might say that he's been busy because he wants to get everything done so that he can take that time for me. Even when we talk, it's normally always him to say he has to go. Sometimes I say it just because I feel that he is ruling our relationship with his schedule. His parents live on the other side of the US from him and they are old so he visits them fairly often. Every time he is there, he barely has any time for me. He might say how are you or I love you either late in his night or early in the morning but we cannot ever talk. I don't know why it is like that. Of course he doesn't see them that much and with bad hearing they can't really talk over the phone any more. I don't want to be jealous over his elderly parents but if I was visiting my mom I could take some time for him in the day. It would not be so hard. Of course one this is I'm still hidden away. No one knows about me and will not before his divorce is through. I'm even going there for Christmas and it will be our first Christmas together and I know he truly loves me but something gives. I'm not happy like this. Am I asking too much? I get so grumpy with these thoughts and if I mention it he says he is sorry and that I'm sweet when I'm go grumpy but he doesn't take it seriously. Right now he is flying back home and he asked if I'm still up at midnight when he changes planes I can call him. But with this mood I don't know. It's not the right time to talk. There never seems to be a talk that solves this. He can calm me down for the moment but it happens again. I keep saying we don't communicate enough but I mean he doesn't.

Sorry such a long story about us. Is this familiar to you, Unicorn? Does this happen over and over for you? When you speak up and tell him about your concerns, does it relly fix the problem or does it repeat later? I feel really desperate sometimes. He very easily gets defensive and i don't want him to think I'm nagging but I can't keep this to myself for very long so eventually he will notice and ask what is wrong. But it doesn't really change anything. I will say the same. I'm not really angry but it hurts me. It hurts me to think that it will always be like this and I'm worried what it will do to us in the long rung. At least we will be together on Sunday and I can hopefully somehow get the message to him that I feel awful like this.

[differentcountries]

Of course he don't want to Skype with you if he is trying to hide you from his parents! Are you really wondering why that is? The question is more if you have the patience to be his secret, or not. In this situation he can't give you what you want and maybe not what he wants, either. There is no shame in admitting it is hard on you that your relationship revolves around his family situation.

[Unicorn26]

It sounds very familiar farandaway. Very familiar.

[Unicorn26]

He also tells me to air anything that's on my mind but lately it feels like every time I do, he gets defensive. That makes me fearful of telling him if something is bothering me so I try and swallow it but it never really goes away.

I'm worried that it's all gonna build up and cause a huge fight. Like you, I'm not angry. Just hurt.

[Redheart14]

See, told you things would sort themselves out. Don't bottle it up, easier said than done I know. But I'm so pleased you talked to him and it's been sorted I'm sure setting a date for the meet up will really put your mind at ease. So happy for you.....relax now, you deserve it.