Long Distance with Kids

[Venuslove106]

This is a big adjustment so no I'm not ready to be a stepmom but that doesn't mean I never will be. We aren't engaged. We only just actually met a couple
Of weeks ago. The dynamic is completely different now. There is no court appointed anything. They are teenagers so they pretty much see their mom when they want which is not often. He is really great at giving me attention and things like that but can't their be an adjustment period for the significant other too? Everyone always talks about the kids needing to adjust to a new "parent" but what about a single person with no kids all of a sudden being a major influence on someone else's child? That's a huge deal and a lot of pressure. Our second visit and we don't get to spend any alone time. I guess I just figured that the first few visits would be us developing intimacy and the new level of our relationship before the kids were involved more steadily. I'm willing to move 800 miles for this guy and he isn't having much compassion for the big changes I am making. I am
Happy to do it and I love him but when I address my concerns to him I would like an understand and compassionate ear. Whether a person has kids or not that should be something anyone does.

You have a very valid point Sugar. When I first plunged myself back into the dating hot tub after my divorce, my daughter was 10 and I knew I wanted to keep her from anyone I dated unless I was sure how I felt about them and that they were likely to be around for a while. My ex hardly ever had her, so it was a challenge, but I only went on dates when she was with her dad. Of course, since it sounds like your SO has included the kids right from the start, I agree with the other members who have said he is very excited about you and feels strongly enough about you that he has included his kids in your relationship and is feeling like your requests not to have them around is making him defensive. Maybe if you ask him for some private time because you want to have some intimate time with him? See what he says...maybe put the focus on the positives of having that alone time with him instead of a negative one, where its focusing on excluding the kids. I hope it works out! It sounds like you have something special!

[erwin1973]

I am afraid my ex is going to do the same with my son towards my SO. But that is a wait-and-see.

[sasad]

I have 2 sons, 12 and 14. SO has 3 kids, 14(g), 17(b) and 19(b). I never hid SO from my kids when we talked on the phone or facetime even when we were only friends. They'd ask, I'd tell them.. every now and then, I'd ask if they wanted to say hi and sometimes yes, sometimes no. When it became more, I let them know. My kids are like me, very open and accepting. His first few visits we planned when it was their dad's weekend until we were sure we were going further. Then I introduced him and they took to him instantly. SO is military, his ex has always been civilian military and when they split, she went off the deep end and took a job overseas and took the kids with her (long separate story). Again, his ex is psycho, and made me out to be a hooker that's addicted to crack with nothing more than a 3rd grade education and what not... but slowly they began to realize mom's crazy... so before they moved, I made a trip out special to meet them. After discovering that I'm not really a crack smoking lady of the night, but that I do work for NASA... they thought I was so cool. It's fine line with kids - but I honestly think that if you're a parent, then you know how to relate to kids and realize that they are kids, they will eventually grow older and can see things for themselves. With his kids, it was tough, and still is, his ex is so nasty! anyway, honesty and lots of patience and understanding!

Bbwwuuhahah. We must have had like sister s for ex wife's.. Her kids were told to call me, NOT Virginia Mom (their choice) but Virginia Whore. Yup. That was lovely coming out of a 4 year old mouth. ANd yes, kids are not dumb. Took a few years, but they grew up and still, to this dat, see there mom as a whack job. We do the best we can!

[Sparkling72]

I have 2 sons, 12 and 14. SO has 3 kids, 14(g), 17(b) and 19(b). I never hid SO from my kids when we talked on the phone or facetime even when we were only friends. They'd ask, I'd tell them.. every now and then, I'd ask if they wanted to say hi and sometimes yes, sometimes no. When it became more, I let them know. My kids are like me, very open and accepting. His first few visits we planned when it was their dad's weekend until we were sure we were going further. Then I introduced him and they took to him instantly. SO is military, his ex has always been civilian military and when they split, she went off the deep end and took a job overseas and took the kids with her (long separate story). Again, his ex is psycho, and made me out to be a hooker that's addicted to crack with nothing more than a 3rd grade education and what not... but slowly they began to realize mom's crazy... so before they moved, I made a trip out special to meet them. After discovering that I'm not really a crack smoking lady of the night, but that I do work for NASA... they thought I was so cool. It's fine line with kids - but I honestly think that if you're a parent, then you know how to relate to kids and realize that they are kids, they will eventually grow older and can see things for themselves. With his kids, it was tough, and still is, his ex is so nasty! anyway, honesty and lots of patience and understanding!

[sasad]

Honesty is the best policy. My kids were younger (6 & 7) the first time they met my ex-SO. They had talked to him on webcam before he actually came out to visit. They knew beforehand that this was my boyfriend, so when they met in person, I only had to say "This is Marc". We expect honesty from our kids and we should give them the same.

THIS! That is also how mine worked out... although we were friends first as my son was going through a lot of stress. But, he (my son) was the one that actually told us both to date, and even recommended an Italian restaurant that my SO should take me too...
Honesty-- things don't get messy if you tell the truth..

[TaraMarie]

So I am going to give my perspective having lived through the same thing....but on the opposite side from the OP. I have three children (26, 16 and 14). Almost four years ago, when we realized he was going to be in my life permanently, we got to talking about the children. He has never had any, nor did he want any, and quite honestly he was not happy. He told me he wanted no part of the children. I was floored.....how could he NOT want to be involved with them? They were THE best, THE brightest, THE sweetest kids in the world and WE were a PACKAGE deal. After many arguments and tears (on my part), and me telling him it was all or nothing....he finally met the two youngest on FaceTime.......and realized they were pretty cool kids. Fast forward a year, and he had met all of them in person and suddenly he thought they were great, Here we are almost five years later, married, and he's the step dad...and happy to tell people that. I realize NOW that HE was scared of my children. He was sure they wouldn't like him and I Would pick THEM over him. He never liked children before, so why would this be any different? Now I am aware of how I PUSHED them on him....and NOW i realize that he had no choice but to accept them If he wanted me. Fortunately for us...it's worked out wonderfully. He and my eldest are buddies. He and my middle daughter are two peas in a pod with SO much in common and he and my son have a mutual love and respect for each other. Now, I won't say we NEVER have problems... All families do. We are fortunate that my ex husband always backs up my husband so we never have a problem there like others do, but families have to figure things out as they go along. As far as the OP......her SO has to give her some time, She needs to adjust on her own time schedule. And she's RIGHT.....you have to be a couple first.....just like "regular" married couples were a couple BEFORE they were parents. In the same vein, OP needs to understand that her SO is excited to share his new love with his children. He probably thinks she is AMAZING and wants his kids to feel the same way. I know that's how it was for me.

[erwin1973]

My SO has a daughter, who is 10 year old now. We see each other on Skype when her mother and I cam. Unfortunately her daughter does not speak Enghlish beyond 'hi' and 'all okay'. But she shows up every time and my SO keeps her updated about the things we talk. We know it's a package and both her daughter and me are happy to accept each other in our (hopefully future) role and get to know each other better when my SO and I will finally meet.

But yeah, everyone is different and what works for one, doesn't neccesarily work for somebody else... Although I agree honesty is key. But that is always the case.

[R&R]

I'm going to resurrect this thread since both my SO and I have children. She has two Teenagers in high School while my kids still at home are 16 and 10.

I met her kids in her home when I first visited her at her home. The teens have usually found an excuse to spend the night at a friend's house when I've been over so we have had alone time together.

Since they are teens, I've just talked to them like adults and had conversations about their hobbies and activities. Nothing too in depth. A few waves and hello's while their mother and I FaceTimed.

They know, and their friends know I'm "Mom's Boyfriend" .

Now My youngest has spoken to my SO on Face time a couple times in passing. Not sure that she knows much more than she is my "Friend". Actually don't know what my Ex and older girls know, since when she comes to visit we have always gone elsewhere for trips. Not sure how the introduction is going to go but I plan for it to happen End of February.

Looking for the best way for this to happen since this is the first "new woman" my kids will meet other than platonic female friends.

Honesty is the best policy. My kids were younger (6 & 7) the first time they met my ex-SO. They had talked to him on webcam before he actually came out to visit. They knew beforehand that this was my boyfriend, so when they met in person, I only had to say "This is Marc". We expect honesty from our kids and we should give them the same.

[2Rocky]

I'm going to resurrect this thread since both my SO and I have children. She has two Teenagers in high School while my kids still at home are 16 and 10.

I met her kids in her home when I first visited her at her home. The teens have usually found an excuse to spend the night at a friend's house when I've been over so we have had alone time together.

Since they are teens, I've just talked to them like adults and had conversations about their hobbies and activities. Nothing too in depth. A few waves and hello's while their mother and I FaceTimed.

They know, and their friends know I'm "Mom's Boyfriend" .

Now My youngest has spoken to my SO on Face time a couple times in passing. Not sure that she knows much more than she is my "Friend". Actually don't know what my Ex and older girls know, since when she comes to visit we have always gone elsewhere for trips. Not sure how the introduction is going to go but I plan for it to happen End of February.

Looking for the best way for this to happen since this is the first "new woman" my kids will meet other than platonic female friends.

[sasad]

Did he get a job yet?

[differentcountries]

Disclaimer; this is not about kids, but about accepting lack of privacy on visits. When I started dating SO, I quickly realized that him and his friends and family are a package deal. His roomates where usually all over our Skype convos, and on the visits I was asked some pretty intrusive questions by people I had never seen before in my life (in a language I did not speak). On my first visit to him (apart from the travel where I met him), I had to wait 6 hours to get alone time with him, not counting the time on the airportbus where he hardly deered hold my hand lol. I was eating dinner with his friends almost every day. I was drinking with his friends. Heck, on the second visit I was even COOKING for his friends. There is no way I could have gone "sorry, I want you, not the friends". We did not have the money for a hotel, and it would also be kind of rude and dismissive to say "I want you but not the friends". On my 3rd visit there was no friends, but there were inlaws, siblings, aunts and a grandmother. It was not until my 4th visit that we had a hotel room, could have loud sex and "really" be a couple, which was 8 months after we first met.... The setup seems strange now that I think of it, we really did not have much privacy on those first visits but it did not feel weird. I loved to be with him in public and to get accepted by the people who meant something to him. My last visit to him was us sleeping in his parents' old bed, which is not romantic nor comfortable but still sharing that bed and looking at baby pics of him is something that bring things to a whole new level. That is, if those levels are interesting and not just scary where you are.

Visiting him and getting him all to yourself is wonderful. Visiting him and seeing how he is with the people that means a lot to him is also important. I can see being weary about getting to know the kids, but I would feel very honored that he wanted to. I would probably just go with his flow on this one. I have never objected to see anyone in SOs life, not even people who were very sceptical of me. I know that my willingness to open is is part of the reason he is considering sharing his life with me. I believe that merging social circles is the most important thing to see if the relationship holds a future.

[SugarBooger]

Thank you, I really would hate to sound like a selfish brat and if I were being one I could definitely take that criticism lol

[sasad]

That is not too much to ask for too be honest. It still should be learning about each other in person at this point.
So yes, I would have to agree with you right now, as a parent...

[SugarBooger]

We only met once. I flew there and racked up a pretty crazy bill to boot. We had a blast and we fell even more in love.
Now he is coming to ny
Well I guess not anymore
I wanted to show him my life. I got to see his and I want him to see mine. I don't want or second visit to be me and his kids all day and night. I don't want them to hear my childhood stories or see where I got wasted when I was sixteen. All things that make me who I am and I want him to learn about me.

[sasad]

Dear God, I hope he is not being that way.... that is a wee bit pushy. And you have only met twice in person??