Long Distance with Kids

[SugarBooger]

The problem is anytime I bring up spending time with him alone or having video chat privately he automatically jumps into "you have to accept my kids" mode. maybe my perception is off here. Maybe I'm an ass

[sasad]

That makes sense..... And I can totally understand where you are coming from that way.. especially ass teenagers and no fixed visitation. It does take time to ease into kid mode.

Maybe suggest half the time with just you two and kids later?? Or send the kids back halfway through??

[SugarBooger]

This is a big adjustment so no I'm not ready to be a stepmom but that doesn't mean I never will be. We aren't engaged. We only just actually met a couple
Of weeks ago. The dynamic is completely different now. There is no court appointed anything. They are teenagers so they pretty much see their mom when they want which is not often. He is really great at giving me attention and things like that but can't their be an adjustment period for the significant other too? Everyone always talks about the kids needing to adjust to a new "parent" but what about a single person with no kids all of a sudden being a major influence on someone else's child? That's a huge deal and a lot of pressure. Our second visit and we don't get to spend any alone time. I guess I just figured that the first few visits would be us developing intimacy and the new level of our relationship before the kids were involved more steadily. I'm willing to move 800 miles for this guy and he isn't having much compassion for the big changes I am making. I am
Happy to do it and I love him but when I address my concerns to him I would like an understand and compassionate ear. Whether a person has kids or not that should be something anyone does.

[sasad]

Hmmm I am a single parent as well as being a step parent to 3 kids..
Dating a parent is difficult and has a whole different set of issues.
How old are his kids and how many are you talking about? I assume they are older as you mentioned social media.
He and his kids ARE a package deal. Are you being unreasonable? I don't know. I do know that kids are going to always be a part of life. Its not up to you to pick and choose when he sees his kids. You will most likely end up loosing that battle.
9 months is an acceptable amount of time to get to know his kids and interact with his kids. That you are going to feel like a tour guide makes it seem like you are resenting his kids. I am pretty sure he has court approved visitation schedules and to ask him to change it for you is so totally not fair.
There are other times that you could possibly meet up with him alone? And again, to be honest, that he is even planning stuff with his kids and you is amazing. We don't just introduce and plan trips with our kids with just anybody. You really should feel pretty damn happy he is comfortable enough to do this.

I am all over with this text and I am sorry.... bottom line is... Be happy he wants to include you in his life with his kids. Its been 9 months, so not sure what your next level is with him.. Having alone time is scheduled off visitations, so you need to get used to that.
So yes, in some ways you are a little unreasonable and I don't know if you are quite ready for the step mom role tbh...

[SugarBooger]

Hi everyone, my SO is a single dad who pretty much has his kids full time (the mother is in the picture and does spend time with them) I recently went there to meet him for the first time. I paid for the flight hotels and he lost his job so I even split checks when we went out and treated a couple of times. I was with him for an amazing five days. He was going to come visit me here in NY for Fourth of July weekend and bring his kids. His kids are great. I did get to meet them and for nine months I have seen them on FaceTime and joked with them and stuff via social media. But since him and I met I feel like our relationship is on a new level and I am very excited to get to know him on a more intimate level. I accept that him and his kids are package deal but I'm not ready to build a relationship with them
Until I've built a solid relationship with him first. I wanted to show him where I grew up and tell him personal stories about my life and get to know each other on this new personal level. I also don't feel
Comfortable being affectionate with him in front of them yet. And now that we have met all we want to do is touch each other so it would be very difficult of a visit. I feel like I would be a tour guide on their trip here more than the trip would be for us. And he isn't listening to what I'm saying. He thinks I just don't accept his kids and I'm pushing them away. I'm just not ready yet. It's a big adjustment for me as well and he isn't taking my feelings into consideration.
He can come alone but he won't come without them and sometimes I feel like he's forcing my relationship with them. He cares more about my relationship with his kids than he does about my relationship with him. So now he isn't coming and I'm very hurt especially since I just went there and spent all that money (my choice and I don't regret it). I feel like he's being selfish and not respecting my feelings. I do want to be in their life but I'm just not ready yet. And he said that we've been together for nine months but I feel as though finally meeting and getting physical, really bright things to a new plane. Especially since I am considering uprooting my life to be with him and his kids. His ex can take them for that weekend so that's not an issue. Am I being completely unreasonable here?