30+ Age differences, miles apart, coworkers...oh and a cult survivor.

[Sunshinewings]

Hi everyone - this is my first post and it's a doozie, so bear with me. I am a trainer for my job and I travel a LOT. During one assignment last fall, I met a coworker at a function and developed an interest but didn't act on it (for work reasons). Apparently he had a crush too but thought I was rude when we met (I'm super shy and awkward which is weird considering my job, but I saw his red hair and I was done for!). Fast forward to April, I was on assignment again and he asked me to dinner. We had an awesome time, and then next day my flight was delayed long enough for us to go out again. Another great night! I went home for a week, and we texted daily. Then I went back for another 2 week assignment and we hung out every day; weird for us because we each like our private time. I left for two weeks for another assignment and for some home time, and again we talked and/or texted daily. During that separation is when I really started to catch feelings, and we both said we weren't talking to anyone else but that we are both terrified of commitment. I went back AGAIN for another two weeks, and instead of enjoying my time with him I was completely in my head, anxious, questioning everything, freaking out and asking where we stood and if we should bother to stay in touch. He reiterated that while he is not ready to commit, he likes me enough to see what can happen and he has no plans to see anyone else. We are now heading into week 3 apart and I plan on going to see him next weekend, but it feels like something has shifted and even though we are still in touch daily, I can't calm down enough to enjoy this ride. I'm paranoid, analyzing every text, every picture, and it's not normal or healthy.

I am a very young 44, divorced with no kids. He is a very mature 28, never married, no kids. We are both 3 years out from very damaging, trust breaking relationships which ended due to infidelity on our partners parts. I will admit to being insecure as it is, but trying to play it cool. He, on the other hand, and this is a true and verified story, was born into a church cult. You read that right. Brainwashing, beating, assault, escape in the middle of the night. Very traumatic. He has shared facts about his life with me but not feelings, as he finds it really hard to talk about love and relationships and communication and so on. And, since I work for the home office, there is a part of me that is afraid he is just spinning his wheels because he is afraid if things don't work, I could get him fired. That is my paranoia piggy backing on his lack of trust. Obviously we are both damaged.

So I guess I came here because there are odds against me, but I really care for this man. I know I have some major work to do on myself and probably have no business even dating anyone, but I am holding a huge part of myself back and scared to really open up any more to this person, who either can't, or WON'T, open up to me either. But he doesn't want to cut ties either. Help!

[Sunshinewings]

Update....there is another support group I was in and someone sent me a really nasty message, saying that besides the fact that this is LDR, that I am too old for him, that I am abusing my power and essentially taking advantage by engaging in a "therapist/patient" type relationship and that it is completely inappropriate. That stung because not once have I thought of it that way, nor has anyone who knows us. We didn't know each other's ages when we met, and obviously didn't know each other's upbringing. That came after we developed feelings. Is this really abuse?

[kate04]

'too old' - how I hate that! He's an adult, you're an adult. Nobody is coercing anybody! I am your age (ish) (despite my profile typo, sadly I'm not 34 - but can't edit it - another story!) and I certainly don't feel like I'm in my 40's - whatever that means. Lilewise I have friends at work who are in their 20's and for me, they act much, much older that I did at their age! So stop that thought for a start!

I get where you're coming from as regards the freaking out and overthinking. I really do. And that's our experiences talking. Remember, he is NOT your ex.
It's fabulous he's told you about himself. That's a massive step and sharing the feelings will come later.
You're very self aware which is great - but please don't end this based on what?? Something that a stranger on a website said to you, or random thoughts in your head that have mushroomed into real-life issues. They aren't. They are thoughts because (I'm guessing) you want to protect your heart and if you end it, then you're in control (been there, done that).

Give it time. Slowly and gently open up to him and he may follow your lead. There's no rush. We have our entire lives. And feed your brain good thoughts.

Good luck x

[Sunshinewings]

Thank you Kate for your reply. Everything you are saying makes perfect sense. But I find myself doing things I've never done. Creeping on his social media, "trying" to catch him in lies, purposely not replying to texts to see if he reaches out, and so on. It's a game I don't know how to play because I never have before. I'm afraid if I try to talk to him about it in person, he will get annoyed or pacify me until I'm gone. That's why I haven't bought the ticket yet.

[kate04]

I think at the beginning of any relationship, there's massive insecurity - but when there's distance involved I know it's worse.

As for the creeping on SM to 'catch him out' - I can put a tick in that box and (horror) I also go onto to his ex's out of curiosity...... I know! I think this is possibly 'normal' until the insecurity has quietened a little, so I really shouldn't fret about that (unless it's starting to take over your life or become dangerous).

I think all we can do is be honest with him and honest with ourselves. We know why we are doing this, so that's good. Obviously I haven't told my SO that I creep on his SM.... but I've told him my fears and always feel better for having done so. Once he told me his too and he's always pleased when I've told him because he says he starts to overthink if I'm quiet or snappish etc.

I think honest communication is key in this situation we find ourselves in or I really think the anxiety has the potential to make us ill and end what could be something lovely.

Tell him how you feel and you may be pleasantly surprised

[Sunshinewings]

If I end up going next weekend I'm sure we're going to have to talk about some things so it might be better left until then.

Last night I couldn't bring myself to reply to his last text message because of the nasty email I got. It really messed with me. So this morning he asked why I stopped talking to him last night...obviously he was upset but he never really comes out and says what's bothering him. It's more like teasing me about having something going on with my (male) boss, or men commenting on my SM pages, and so on. So it's possible he's a little insecure as well and just hiding it way better than I am. Like I said he has admitted to not liking/not being good at communicating about relationships so I'm trying to be patient, but in doing that my mind has too much time to wander. By the time I see him it will be nearly a month since our last physical time together and I don't know how to act.

Also, confession, I still haven't bought the bloody ticket yet. IDK what I'm waiting for. I think it's because I brought it up, and I feel like I want to shout from the moon how excited I am but he's just like mehhhh ok, do you need me to pick you up? LOL

[kate04]

He asked and he texted you - that's good! Take that as a positive!
And at least he wants to pick you up - he didn't say, "Oh have a good time, I may be free to see you a couple of hours on Friday if you want..." That would be concerning!!!
Buy it! Once you see him it will fall into place and your mind will be calm.

[Sunshinewings]

I did it! I bought the ticket! And now I feel sick. I'm just so nervous. We had a phone date last night and he wasn't very talkative but he works outside and I know he was completely exhausted. This is the part I hate - being so analytical of every word, every inflection, etc. We got off the phone earlier than normal and of course my first thought was that he has someone else there. I'm afraid if I express these fears to him he's going to think I'm crazy, especially since we are not "official" yet. This week is going to go by so slowly but I think our visit will tell me everything I need to know.

[autumn1790]

I did it! I bought the ticket! And now I feel sick. I'm just so nervous. We had a phone date last night and he wasn't very talkative but he works outside and I know he was completely exhausted. This is the part I hate - being so analytical of every word, every inflection, etc. We got off the phone earlier than normal and of course my first thought was that he has someone else there. I'm afraid if I express these fears to him he's going to think I'm crazy, especially since we are not "official" yet. This week is going to go by so slowly but I think our visit will tell me everything I need to know.

If I may be horribly blunt, this level of insecurity will bring nothing but harm to your relationship. Would you be this "analytical" with a close distance relationship? Long distance relationships are almost wholely and entirely built on trust and respect. If he hasn't given you a reason to trust and respect him, move on. If he has given no reason for you to critique his every move, call, and text, then I suggest you take a step back and focus on yourself. We've all gone through insecurities, but they have to be overcome in order for the relationship to be healthy and last. Talking through your insecurities with him might help, or finding a hobby to distract yourself. Do something other than obsess over him. Significant others should add to your life, not be the focus of it.

[Sunshinewings]

Fair enough Autumn. We are going to talk tonight and I'm going to be completely transparent with him about how I've been feeling. I know that in doing that, it could make or break what happens next. But I think a lot of my insecurities come from being afraid to open up and afraid to ask the deeper questions. I will hopefully get that clarity.

[kate04]

Good luck!
I get the insecurity. Completely. It takes time to feel secure and a lot of communication is non verbal - fairly difficult if you mostly communicate via text or a quick phone call. Meeting will help. I think that criticising others' attachment styles is unhelpful. We all do the best we can and we will get there eventually (or not) in our own ways.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Fair enough Autumn. We are going to talk tonight and I'm going to be completely transparent with him about how I've been feeling. I know that in doing that, it could make or break what happens next. But I think a lot of my insecurities come from being afraid to open up and afraid to ask the deeper questions. I will hopefully get that clarity.

I was very anxious at the beginning of our relationship too. I had things I wanted to say to him, but I was worried about how he would take what I said. The first time he gently encouraged me to open up, and it was really hard for me. But he was brilliant with everything I shared, and he's still the same. I don't worry about saying anything to him now, as I know he will be fine about it. I feel emotionally secure with him, but that came with time and trust. But you can certainly get there.

[Sunshinewings]

We finally talked last night and some of the things we discussed were painful to hear but necessary. He opened up about why his last relationship ended and why he is so hesitant about committing. We both agreed that things have been very "off" for a few days. He has been upset about me accusing him of stringing me along, when he thought that I was fine with taking things slowly. I told him I don't know how to slow down how I feel but it's not fair for me to expect him to rush to catch up to were I am. It's no secret that I'm further along feelings wise and I also told him that it seems this visit means more to me than it does him and he said he was afraid I would come out there expecting him to be completely ready and he's just not there yet. But, he also said he cares for me deeply, he is not talking to or seeing anyone else, and that not being involved isn't an ideal option either. So we are kind of at an impasse but we still plan to see each other next weekend. It's just been so hard to go from seeing him every day for two weeks, having a safe place to land after work, to just nothing, and when I leave that visit I'm afraid I'll have fallen even deeper and he will be in the same spot.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

We finally talked last night and some of the things we discussed were painful to hear but necessary. He opened up about why his last relationship ended and why he is so hesitant about committing. We both agreed that things have been very "off" for a few days. He has been upset about me accusing him of stringing me along, when he thought that I was fine with taking things slowly. I told him I don't know how to slow down how I feel but it's not fair for me to expect him to rush to catch up to were I am. It's no secret that I'm further along feelings wise and I also told him that it seems this visit means more to me than it does him and he said he was afraid I would come out there expecting him to be completely ready and he's just not there yet. But, he also said he cares for me deeply, he is not talking to or seeing anyone else, and that not being involved isn't an ideal option either. So we are kind of at an impasse but we still plan to see each other next weekend. It's just been so hard to go from seeing him every day for two weeks, having a safe place to land after work, to just nothing, and when I leave that visit I'm afraid I'll have fallen even deeper and he will be in the same spot.

I can relate to this too. Me and my SO definitely moved at different speeds emotions wise. I was ready to dive straight in and meet up for Christmas (6 months in), but he said he felt that was too soon. I was crushed when he told me that, and it hurt and upset me for a good while afterwards, which I told him about too. He felt bad, but I said if he wasn't ready he wasn't ready and that wasn't anyone's fault. It just meant it would need more time.

It sounds positive to me from what you've said, so I wouldn't worry too much. Whatever happens happens, and if it doesn't then it doesn't. You'll both cross that bridge when you come to it, and you know that you can talk it through.

[2Rocky]

as for the Job thing....as long as he is not one of your "Direct reports" you are probably ok from a HR standpoint.

Age doesn't mean much after the younger turns 21, so that's judgmental BS...

I found that I made a List of "Must Haves " for my next relationship when I pulled the plug on my divorce. It really helped eliminate who was "relationship material" and not. I remember meeting my LDR again with no intention of having a LONG TERM Relationship. But it just kept working. Sometimes I think We keep trying to build a relationship when what we need to do is spend time together and let the relationship build itself. I remember the insecurity early on. i really had to think of it as if she was one of many women I was dating. Even though I wasn't actually dating anyone else, but I was comparing her to other prospects and she kept coming out the winner. This Outcome independence really helped the insecurity aspect for me. Which would you rather have "Choose" the best one or focus on one and keep checking to see if he or she fails some criteria? The second one will make you crazy.

FWIW Here is a time line that I went through

She moved in 3 years and 3 months after we met....

First two months - We were on the down low...her friends knew she met "some guy".

Met her mother on our third in-person date I guess. End of the second month.

Actually became Social media friends 3 months in..

3rd month in- Invited her on an 8 day camping trip.

4th month - met her sisters on our 4th date

5th month went on our trip and she set the hook.

6th month or 9th month before she met my parents....I forget which.


So you can see the relationship was built over in person visits (we met around every 30-45 days for a weekend or 3 days)...