Age differences, miles apart, coworkers...oh and a cult survivor.

[Sunshinewings]

I really appreciate everyone's input. He's not a direct report, so no issues there.

Part of me feels like this shouldn't be so damn hard. He's still reaching out via text every day, keeping me posted during the day etc but I have to wonder if after our last conversation that it's just forced, polite, it's run its course and neither of us knows how to tell the other. I'm trying to put everything in the back of my mind and just wait until I see him this weekend, to gauge how it is in person after nearly a month, and knowing that this means more to me (at the moment) than it does him. And I agree, I think it will have to be built in person over time if it's going to develop. I think this weekend will say a lot, and if something happens between now and then I don't have to get on the plane.

Thank you guys for your friendship and support.

[kate04]

Not long until the weekend.
Just throwing this in there - is it your perception, my darling, that it's 'forced polite' because you are feeling anxious? I ask because I had a similar conversation last night with my guy (or 'my' guy) - and he had no clue what I was talking about... he said that he knew we faced extreme challenges but didn't want that to be the reason for not carrying on - we should enjoy the ride not get caught up in worrying about the final destination.

He's right of course, but we can't help our perceptions and negative inner voices can we. I wish we could.

You'll know when you see him, I reckon.

Much love xxx

[kate04]

Just having re-read, I sound a barrel of laughs to be in a relationship with....! We do have fun too. Honestly ;-)

[Sunshinewings]

Only two more days! The last few I've been trying to focus on myself, not checking my phone, playing it cool when I do hear from him and then last night when he said he was excited to see me, I started getting anxious again. I'm SO nervous. I know I need to enjoy the time I have with him. I hope this weekend brings some clarity to us both.

[kate04]

Just want to say that I hope this weekend is all you want it to be and good luck! Let us know how you get on xxx

[Sunshinewings]

Horrible update....

This morning I got up early to get ready to go to the airport. I haven't been feeling quite right the last few days; tired, run down, nauseous, light headed etc. I chalked it up to being overworked and all my work travel and the heat and so on. Well, in the shower I felt like I was about to pass out so I sat down, caught my breath, then apparently tried to walk to my room because the next thing I knew I was face down on the living room floor, soaked, no towel, with my cats staring at me. Needless to say after a hospital visit where I was diagnosed with severe anemia and dehydration, as well as a very bruised forehead and shoulder, I didn't make it to Arkansas today.

I know my health is number 1, but I'm obviously upset at not being able to go although frankly not devastated. He hasn't shown much regret (I won't even bother with details) and feel like my anxiety (lack of sleep etc.) didn't help matters so I need to listen to my body and rest for a few days. This could have been worse, it could have happened in a plane or at his place and I'm glad I was at home. I believe in signs so maybe this was one.

[kate04]

OMG how are you? Physically and emotionally? And yes, listen to your body - your health is priority x

[Sunshinewings]

Physically I'm ok, just super tired and sore. Emotionally, not so good. I've barely heard from him. A mutual friend said that he was upset, and almost bought a ticket to come here but since he's out of paid time off, he decided to stay put and let me rest. He's sent a few "how are you" texts, but hasn't called, and to be frank our conversations have been very vague and lame and he really doesn't seem concerned. I get that men are different, they don't know what to say sometimes...but if it was the other way around I would be making more of an effort, especially since I got hurt getting ready to go see HIM! I give up.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

The fact that he wanted to buy a ticket to come and see you is positive, and so are his texts. He may be feeling awkward and/or guilty because you got ill on your way to visit him.

[Sunshinewings]

I wanted to post a quick update and to thank everyone for being so supportive.

The past 10 days I have been in and out of the hospital, too long of a story to post and not that interesting. I haven't heard from him in over a week. Not a text, call, nothing. I reached out once, just to see if perhaps he was feeling awkward or accountable...but nothing. In my life I have come to realize that silence speaks volumes, and this is very telling. I won't attack his character as a person, even though in terms of actions it was a rude move on his part and I admit I am embarrassed, but I have to focus on myself and getting better.

The one thing I will try to take away is that he is the first person I had feelings for, in over 3 years. That tells me that I am able to FEEL again. It has also forced me to look inside myself and my needs and how I can be a good partner at every stage of the relationship. And it also made me realize that there are incredibly supportive people all over the world who don't know me, but care enough to hold my hand and walk me through...and are just as open to me supporting them.

[kate04]

I am so sorry and wish you a speedy recovery.
It's amazing that you're looking at the positives and there's no need at all for you to feel embarrassed.

There's someone out there for you and you'll know when you'll know.

Much love x