Gifts: Necessary or No?

[BlackCherryJam]

Do you believe gifts are necessary (i.e. 'have to give them in order to be healthy' ) in a relationship?
Not at all. Gifts are only good when they're not expected.

Are you the giver or the gift-getter?
Both

How often do you think gifts should be given/how often have you given/received gifts?
Whenever you want. Will and I have been more into being together or doing nice things together or for each other than giving gifts lately since we're trying to save money. I find that I get more out of that than giving/receiving gifts. I do love sending cards though. He's always surprised and happy for hours after he gets one in the mail.

Agreed! I love to give and get gifts but gifts are not "a must". It's nice to give gifts when you feel like it but you don't have to do that frequently. It is nice, though, to remember your partners birthday and that kinds of things... Right now I'm also sending just cards and he loves them But I like to bring him something little when we meet!

[Rosebud]

Moon: I really am too. In all honesty it was an innocent question I thought up before bed since, gasp, I do tend to think about the fact I haven't gotten a gift yet and how I react vs how I've seen others react here and elsewhere and just wanted to see what others thought. But hey, I guess I'm the drama llama of the forum these days, yeah?

I don't see it as a sensitive subject or any of this so called drama you're mentioning. It's a discussion, no? Isn't the point to discuss possible opposing viewpoints, instead of piling on the same 'I agree' answers? If it comes off sensitive it's only as people wish to defend themselves as not being materialistic as your original post implied they might be, but really, this isn't an 'I need help' kind of discussion thread so it only makes sense that people are going to, well, discuss their answers.

[LadyMarchHare]

I don't see it as a sensitive subject or any of this so called drama you're mentioning. It's a discussion, no? Isn't the point to discuss possible opposing viewpoints, instead of piling on the same 'I agree' answers? If it comes off sensitive it's only as people wish to defend themselves as not being materialistic as your original post implied they might be, but really, this isn't an 'I need help' kind of discussion thread so it only makes sense that people are going to, well, discuss their answers.

I understand that not everyone's going to have the same answers, are not going to agree with my opinion (few do, it seems, but hey that's alright) but it seemed, to me, that I was catching some flack for a supposed tone my initial post took that I did not even have when typing that up. Really I could go on about why I felt 'attacked' and blabla but that derails from the point entirely and I'm not gonna play the victim role because I'm not. I'm merely quick to bite at the moment due to stress and no offense but you came off, to me, like you were kinda busting my chops which is why I reacted the way I did. I can understand being told it sounds one way, I would've fixed it sooner with less attitude, but with the joy of text and no intonation I took it the wrong way as some took my questions.

[mllebamako]

Whilst I'm on the "yes" bandwagon, I too have noticed a lot of people complaining they don't get gifts... and I wanted to add that while I think they are an important way of showing affection, I would never actually ASK for one. That boggles my mind... especially women asking for flowers. I just don't get it. I don't want to derail the thread, but I would like to know what the go with that is. I mean, it's not special since you asked for it

I think I'm a bit late replying but here goes anyway. Have you guys hear of "The 5 Love Languages". It is the title of a book by a marriage counselor (I haven't read it, only articles about it). He talks about people having many different languages of love and different ways of showing love or feeling loved. For example, I respond a lot to words. I love when my SO writes me something. Other people respond to a lot of physical affection, time together, gifts, etc. Of course, I love all of these things but there are certain ones that make me feel more loved than others.
I think it's really healthy to talk to your partner about what kinds of things make you feel the most loved...and in THAT way, I don't think it's weird for someone to ask for flowers, gifts, etc. I wouldn't demand flowers on a specific day or that he write me a poem about how much he loves me. But I have in the past, I told him that when he writes me letters or poems, that I feel extraordinarily loved.

[Rosebud]

I think I'm a bit late replying but here goes anyway. Have you guys hear of "The 5 Love Languages". It is the title of a book by a marriage counselor (I haven't read it, only articles about it). He talks about people having many different languages of love and different ways of showing love or feeling loved. For example, I respond a lot to words. I love when my SO writes me something. Other people respond to a lot of physical affection, time together, gifts, etc. Of course, I love all of these things but there are certain ones that make me feel more loved than others.
I think it's really healthy to talk to your partner about what kinds of things make you feel the most loved...and in THAT way, I don't think it's weird for someone to ask for flowers, gifts, etc. I wouldn't demand flowers on a specific day or that he write me a poem about how much he loves me. But I have in the past, I told him that when he writes me letters or poems, that I feel extraordinarily loved.

Yes!! Omg, yes, thank you for bringing up this book! My friend mentioned it to me about a month ago but I couldn't remember the title of it, yet it's been on mind as I started answering this thread. Totally awesme you brought it up since I really do think it's something people should consider since I really think it makes some good points on how people view different expressions of affection

[Rosebud]

I understand that not everyone's going to have the same answers, are not going to agree with my opinion (few do, it seems, but hey that's alright) but it seemed, to me, that I was catching some flack for a supposed tone my initial post took that I did not even have when typing that up. Really I could go on about why I felt 'attacked' and blabla but that derails from the point entirely and I'm not gonna play the victim role because I'm not. I'm merely quick to bite at the moment due to stress and no offense but you came off, to me, like you were kinda busting my chops which is why I reacted the way I did. I can understand being told it sounds one way, I would've fixed it sooner with less attitude, but with the joy of text and no intonation I took it the wrong way as some took my questions.

As you've said so yourself that it's my problem if I find an attitude in your tone as that was not your intention with your original post and I could say the same defensive response in that if you found attitude in my replies then that's your own interpretation. Yes, I admit in this particular post perhaps I'm pulling out a bit of an attitude but that's only because I'm sick of people pointing out this suppossed passive aggressive tone I have in my other posts when that was the least of my intentions and I was simply responding in what I assumed was a straight and forward answer.

[mllebamako]

Yes!! Omg, yes, thank you for bringing up this book! My friend mentioned it to me about a month ago but I couldn't remember the title of it, yet it's been on mind as I started answering this thread. Totally awesme you brought it up since I really do think it's something people should consider since I really think it makes some good points on how people view different expressions of affection

I'm glad you have heard about that book too! I think it makes a lot of sense and it's really smart and healthy to communicate those kinds of things with your partner. I definitely am going to look for the book at the library, although even just reading the articles about the book really made me think about this concept.

[London-FortCollins]

I LOVE getting gifts for my SO. When I first got back and he was celebrating a special occasion I sent him a huge care package of chocies and sweets and a couple of "saw this and thought of you" gifts. (Of course US mail sucks and it arrived two weeks late but meh)

We're not always in the position financially to be able to do "expensive" gifts or whatever but to me thats not whats important. Its the "I'm thinking of you" stuff thats important. Like he'll be riding his bike home from work and pick a flower to bring me. Or bring me home chocolate ice cream from his work and says "For my little chocoholic"

Gestures like that mean more to me than anything in the world.

Although saying that he bought me a beautiful necklace that he'd put a lot of thought into. For me the necklace could've cost next to nothing (although I know it didnt) but it was how much thought and the reasons behind certain elements that mean I'll never take it off.

[Andy]

How did I miss this?

I'll just get on with replying to the thread first...

Do you believe gifts are necessary (i.e. 'have to give them in order to be healthy' ) in a relationship?

I have to say no. Would our relationship survive if we never bought gifts for each other? I'd be very surprised if it didn't. Does giving gifts help a relationship? Of course. Everyone likes getting things, especially when they're particularly thoughtful and from your SO, plus I think most people love that excitement of giving a gift too, I know I do!

"Open it, open it, open it! Well? Do you like it??"

That's what we're thinking at least


Are you the giver or the gift-getter?

Both. We tend to get each other a little something on a visit, but it's usually something we see, or know the other would like as opposed to ritually getting a gift because we're seeing each other. She got me a football mouse for my PC, she knows I'm always complaining about my mouse and I love football so obviously I loved it

I ordered her an LFAD bracelet, and an LFAD keyring for my key to her house as she keeps saying I'll lose it

I'm pretty laid back and I'll never ask for anything, from Tanja or anyone else. If there's something I really want then I'll usually save up and get it myself. I'm pretty hard to buy things for because I don't usually want much, like I said I'll go get it myself which leaves little room for gifts

My brother's the total opposite (we don't get on too great) - he wants everything, constantly, and has no problem asking, or almost begging my parents or his girlfriend to get him things and I can't stand it, he's greedy and selfish and I pride myself on being a complete opposite to him

Bu


How often do you think gifts should be given/how often have you given/received gifts?

Oh, I just answered part of that. Erm, I don't think there's really an answer to this one as every couple differs. For us it's just whenever we see something the other would like more often than not. Then we usually keep them for our next visit. We don't send each other many things really...

Oh, birthdays and Christmas - but that should be a given


I agree with what agentholli said too, even though I'll say I don't want anything, I like it when I do, I don't usually care what it is, but it's always nice to get something and to know someone was thinking of you when they got it or made it