New here and wanted to say hi!! and help!!!

[crazy2]

i had been living with my b4 for almost 2 years. we have known eachother 4. he got a promotion and moved cross country. this was in aug. i have seen him twice since. once met him somewhere, the other he visited me. his family works for airlines so can get free stand by.
he rarely calls,texts or skypes. i have been really calm about it. i have said that this feels to me that he is not interested. he claims he will do better. yesterday he said he feels he is attentive enough. i suggested a time each day that we talk to eachother. that hasnt worked because hes either hungry tired or busy with something. writing this makes me cry, as i seem like such a loser here. i am not needy, i have a full life. just dont want to continue to be miserable, and waste my time with someone who acts like he doesnt care one way or the other. i love him very much, and had planned to move there when i worked it out. i mentioned i had a job lead there and he was very subdued. of course he said he was excited... i dont know how to, one last time communicate with him that i need more without sounding naggy. it is his bday this wkend. he has to go somewhere for work the two days b4 and comes home sat...bday is sun. i offered to fly to where he was for work. he said that would be great and hed love to see me. dont know if its worth the expense and time, if he really doesnt give a crap. i dont know what to do.
this is torture for me.

[xMesmerize124]

First off Welcome to the LFAD community! :]
Secondly, i think you should give him another chance and fly to go see him for his bday. Yeah he's been acting like a jerk but seeing him in person, it allows time for you two to work everything that needs to be worked out. I hope that helped and again welcome

[Tanja]

Welcome to LFAD

I think you should go see him, it's a lot easier to sort things out face to face rather than online. It might be easier for him to express himself in person - keep in mind that him seeming to be distant could be because he doesn't know how to handle a LDR? Is this your first time in one? It can be very hard to keep things up the same way than they were when you were CD.

I think you need to give him one more chance to make it work, he might just not know how strongly you feel about all this so you need to tell him that he needs to be more involved and make an effort.

If for some reason you can't get past this I wouldn't consider flying there a waste of money because at least you'd both know where you stand and you can have proper closure rather than always have that "what if...?" thought at the back of your minds.

I don't think this is something you can't fix, it just takes some time to adjust and you both need to be in this 100%. Be open and honest with each other and don't keep things to yourself just cause you feel like you're nagging. It's going to be hard work this but if you're meant to be together you can get through anything. It's worth it in the end.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well!

[JoMarie]

Welcome. I also agree, I do think you should go see him because it's much easier to have honest conversations to sort things out when you're face to face with someone. Text can be taken the wrong way, and it's easier to not care about what you say to someone on the phone.

[Dauntedpoet]

Welcome, welcome, welcome......

I agree with all the above advice, go and see him face to face, spend some time before hand thinking about yourself and your needs, and tell him how you've been feeling, just like you did here in the post. Think of the things you really need from him, to make this work for you.

He might just be in over his head with a new job, a new place, and all the stress that that involves, and he doesn't want to dump it all on you. You may have been trying to spare him because you don't want to sound 'naggy or complaining". You are both going through so truly big things at the moment, but you need to decide what you need, and ask him for it, maybe this will prompt him to think about what he needs from you as well. If he always deserved the benefit of the doubt when you were CD, there is a very good chance the deserves it now as well.

It takes time and practice to figure out how to effectively communicate in a way that works for you both and meets both your needs, so spend some time thinking about, and then talking with him about how to make things work for the both of you, sometimes phone calls just don't work, as time differences and expense can make things hard. Maybe text messaging, or email can help sustain you when its just not possible to talk.

GOOD LUCK and keep us posted, remember anything you can say, or feel about an LDR someone, and probably most everyone has experienced. Just reading the blogs and peoples stories can inspire you!

Michelle

[Andy]

Welcome

Definitely go see him, that's what I'd do in your shoes. Like everyone has said it's much easier to talk face-to-face, you must tell him how you feel about this change in your relationship then hopefully he will change his ways. It does sound like he's very busy and/or stressed with his new workload plus he's also having to adjust to a new place not to mention having his relationship turned into an LDR, all in the space of some 6-8 weeks or so, it will take time before he and you settle into a pattern you're both satisfied with.

But be sure to tell him everything you've told us, an let us know how things go. Best of luck

[crazy2]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and kind words of advice. i have allowed past trust issues to go unresolved, so that is a huge part of my agonizing over this. He has been deceitful in the past. I choose to forgive however this lack of interest or poor communication is bringing those issues back to the forefront for. me. There have been several cases I have found him lying about some pretty major issues over a year ago, but most recently, about a month before he left, I found he had a facebook page. I have facebook and he did not. He had forgotten to log out of my computer and there it was. He had been in contact with a girl he dated a couple times when we broke up for a couple months over a year ago. Basically msgd her that he apologized for vanishing (he moved back in with me) she responding quite surprised as his apology was extremely heartfelt. She commented how she thought they got along great and really liked him, but figured he wasnt into her. She asked to continue to keep in touch and he responded by saying he would and that that made him smile. This is all while living with me, while planning our lives together. blah...i said that if he was hiding that he had a facebook, he must be hiding for a reason....and that's not okay. he said he was sorry and would not speak to her again, but he has. i havent pushed the facebook thing frankly bc i think its ridiculous and obviously causes me to be upset. He has still not added me...so things like this become much larger then necessary. Even if he wanted to hide things, he could with all the privacy features. Also, not pics of me there, did say he was "in a relationship" whoopie!!!! I have that gut feeling, and im embarrassed that I don't know how to communicate in a strong assertive way that I deserve to be treated better. I have always been very positive, and clear about my feelings. I am supportive and genuine. He claims he loves me and wants to continue this, but If I am being honest with myself, I am more miserable each day. I'd love to show you a real example of our interaction cause i feel as if i'm going crazy. He is never one to contact me, no sweet notes or emails. I look at what some of these guys do for the girls they care about, and it breaks my heart. How do i convey this in a way that i can get this stop one way or another? I always thought if someone u care about is hurting, u do whatever it takes. You back up your words with actions, and don't let them go to sleep misunderstanding and hurting. I kind of think I am becoming someone that is not me. I'm fun, and happy, and have so much to offer. Full of life and optimism. I'm losing myself. He emailed me tonight and said he had to work all night explained why. Always seems like something comes up when i am most in need of connection and clear communication. He didnt offer... I'll call u or text you from there. Just that statement, period. We were gonna talk tonight about my planning the trip. He knew that, and I was so excited, I sent him a cute e card right before. I was just left let down again. I am an idiot. I'm holding on to something that I probably need to let go of, such mixed messages hes always giving me.

[NickyDoll]

Wow, girl, if you're needy I don't know what I am. I can't sleep if I don't hear Kal's voice that day. I get mopey and sad when it goes too long before I see him and he hates that, for sure. It's definitely worth the expense and time to go see him for his birthday. I haven't seen Kal for his birthday for 2 years and last year for my birthday he was in Egypt. His cousin totally stole my birthday by getting married lol He might be acting this way because he misses you so much and can't express it. You know how guys are. Or maybe it is because of the distance. The point is you won't know until you talk to him about and I think that conversation is best face to face.

By the way, welcome to LFAD! I've only been a member for a month or so and I already feel better knowing there are people out there going through the same things I am. You and I are lucky to have SO's with free flight benefits. (My guy works for Delta at JFK.) Good luck!

[mllebamako]

I am going to disagree with what most people said on here. I wouldn't go see him (UNLESS you can get a free or super cheap flight through stand-by then by all means GO!)
I think it sounds like he isn't putting in ANY effort. I mean, yes people can be stressed and busy but he never initiates contact? And he knew you were excited to talk about your plans and he still blew you off. Not cool. Maybe this is striking a little too close to home, I was in an LDR (a different one) about 2 years ago. We had started off together in the same city and then I had to move away for school. He made ZERO effort. I mean, in a 2 month period, he didn't call me once. He texted me maybe 2 times and he really didn't sound excited about any plans to close the distance nor did he even sound that sad about the long distance. Here I was crying and saying I missed him and I loved him and he was so flat in his response. Anyway, I wasn't able to go see him to end things ($2000 flight) so I just did it over the phone with a longer explanation email to follow. And boy, I am glad I did! (Not saying this next part will happen with you) but it turns out he had been flirting with other girls and was starting to date a bit even! I am not saying non-communation=cheating.
Some people just aren't in the relationship 100% and you deserve more than that!
You sound really unhappy and love is not a one-way street. If you can go see him for free, GO and talk it out. If you can't, stay at home and tell him he needs to make time for a serious conversation. To be more assertive: I would write a list of what you want to say before you talk.
Good luck with everything...let us know how it turns out! And welcome to LFAD

[CrazySquirrel]

Just a quick point about him being subdued when you brought up that good news... He may be going through stressful times? My boyfriend was in basic training and I told him that I was going to visit him for his graduation. I was super excited and he didn't have much of a reaction at all. Of course, he was under stress and just didn't like having to talk to me above everyone else around him (60 or so guys) talking loudly to their loved ones at home. But as soon as he hung up the phone he felt awful for making me feel like he didn't care. And he really was excited about me going to visit him.

Just give him a chance to explain himself. Go visit him and talk things through.

[Veronica]

Hi! its nice to have you here Im sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time..Im gonna tell you what i think and maybe it can help you a little bit. I think you should only go see him if you truly believe that he loves you and you can see a way for this relation to shift from something so painful, to something beautiful. Of course you deserve to be loved and care for, and you deserve a nice sweet email every now and then, maybe an 'i love you' text, a nice phone call, or an hour a week to plan a visit. We all do. It really sounds like your boyfriend isnt paying much attention to you lately, and maybe he is busy trying to handle his new situation, or stressed with all the new stuff going on, but still. I do think that the facebook stuff is pretty hurtful and a low hit..i really didnt like to hear that he did that to you, keeping that other girl close, and hiding you that he has an account (even if he didnt wanna add you, cuz he needed his own space, its isnt a reason to hide it from you) I think you need some time to figure out if you really believe that the situation can change, or if you deserve something better.. honestly, from what you say, i think you deserve better, and that your man should start changing his habits if he wants to keep his princess. But you can only decide if he deserves or not another chance. Good luck on everything! i really hope it works out good for you

[Veronica]

And you are definitely not an idiot!