When everything gets to you...

[justbreathe]

First time poster here, hello all. Background: Been with boyfriend for a year and eight months. Have been doing long distance for the past year, but with 2x a month visits. We are both college students. ATM distance is 3hours. Next year, there's a possibility the distance might be 6-7hours which will make the visits only 1x a month.

I am a complete and total worrywart. I am pretty realistic but can be cynical and pessimistic too. See my problem here? All of these traits eat me up sometimes when I see couples breaking up everywhere and things of that nature. I start fearing that my relationship will fail and that things will go wrong and... I just end up working myself up over nothing. I know they're all irrational fears and doubts but they kill me sometimes. I feel alone too because I don't know anyone who's in an LDR right now. Thankfully I have people who support my LDR but it's not the same since they don't understand what I go through sometimes.

I guess this is a sort of vent. I just need to know if people ever have fears and doubts... I always feel so guilty for feeling like this. I see happy couples sometimes who seem like they have no issues. And I know, I know, of course they do, but they look so perfect on the outisde. I've spoken to him about it and he gets it, but he's the more positive one out of us. Like I said, I can be very pessimistic and it sucks.

What do you do when you get these types of feelings, feel blue, etc?

[Rugger]

I know how you feel. I'm def the worrywort in my relationship. I'm the one with the fears and doubts, and I feel like my SO doesn't have any of that.

When I get blue ot unhappy, I look at pictures of us together, or remember things we've done together. It helps me get through

[paulawriteslove]

First and foremost welcome to the forums!
Whenever I get sad or worry I come on the forums and get my mind off of things I'll also call some friends and make plans to hangout with them or something

[Dauntedpoet]

Justbreathe yes yes and yes. I just breathe through it, quite frankly. I learned over some long grueling episodes in the fledgling days of our relationship years ago, that I could do my own head in. Here is what I learned works for me...I actually sit down and recall (with a list I keep) all the reasons I love and trust him, everything he has done to melt my heart and how much he trusts and needs me. Then I set the nagging thoughts aside, it wasn't easy at first, I literally had to put an elastic band on my wrist and snap it when I would find myself borrowing trouble. Remember what's going on in your head isn't real, its an illusion created by your fear. Deal with it just like you would any fear you've had to overcome... and then share your worries and fears with your SO... communication is vital.

WELCOME, read, make yourself at home!

[justbreathe]

Rugger, I feel the same! My boyfriend is such a calm and laidback person. And I like the picture idea, I even have us as my background on my laptop. And I'm planning on framing a couple of pictures of us for my dorm too.

paulawriteslove, I've been lurking these forums and it's definitely helped.

Dauntedpoet, that's exactly why I chose this username!! I might have to try the elastic band idea. I know it's an illusion but it gets so hard to ignore the thoughts, even when I KNOW they're 100% irrational. Thank you!

[Andy]

Everyone gets these feelings, especially in LDRs, trust me on that

You don't need to feel guilty about this at all, I'm sure your boyfriend feels like this from time to time, even if he doesn't let on about it. Me and Tanja have both had these doubts, more than once, it's hard not to sometimes, but they pass and one day you wake up and feel like you have the perfect relationship and nothing in the world is going to keep you apart. Just remember that feeling whenever you start to have any doubts, remember how sure you are that you're right for each other and how you belong together. Usually does the trick for me

You've come to the right place for support and advice on LDRs by the way, welcome

[Rusty]

Welcome aboard from another Newbie!

I constantly have doubts. About myself, about the viability of the relationship, about whether she is going to see me differently when we meet, about whether she'll meet someone else and fall in love with them... all sorts.

I'll reiterate what seems to me to be the key factor: communication. My SO and I had a couple of fights last week, and what came out of it was that we were both holding things back from each other, and that was a) not allowing us to know fully what might be affecting the other emotionally, and b) affecting our trust. So we made an agreement that we would share everything. Every doubt, every niggle, every worry and problem. And, of course, all the good things we're feeling too . Sometimes we may have to nudge one another a little to get talking, but it's the only way I can possibly see this working.

And, frankly, when you do have doubts and niggles, sharing them with your SO is a fantastic way to put them to rest, whilst at the same time bringing you closer together.

And, of course, this is a great place to come when you need support. Everyone here is so lovely and helpful, and I'm very glad to have found the place.

Keep posting!

[mllebamako]

Welcome justbreathe...your screen name is right on! I worry a lot about the future too but I am starting to let go of those worries little by little. Keep positive and

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Charles Dickens

And I would add "--not your future worries, because you can't control those!" Okay Charles Dickens is a little more eloquent than I

[lisaar910]

I think it's natural in any kind of relationship to have worries.

One thing I think you should try not to do is compare yourself with other couples as much, especially non-LDRs. Every relationship has its problems, and as you said, it's not always as it appears on the surface. Try to focus on your relationship, and do what you need to do to keep it healthy.

I completely understand being pessimistic, and it's hard to overcome that natural tendency to think negatively. When you find yourself feeling down, force yourself to think about the good things you have. For instance, I think you're extremely lucky to get to see your SO as often as you do. I would give anything to see Will twice a month or even once a month. We're more fortunate than some and get to see each other several times a year, but obviously, I'd still rather be with him all the time. Just try to focus on those good things.

I hope you can find the support you're looking for here.

[JoMarie]

Welcome. I agree that it's a very normal thing. Try and busy yourself during those times, see if staying busy keeps your mind off of it.

[justbreathe]

Andy, yes I'm just waiting for these feelings to pass. I've been down in the dumps lately to add onto everything so this has just made it worse. I'll be sure to remind myself of little things like that.

Rusty, I feel those exact doubts 100%. Him and I had the most emotional, honest talks this past weekend that helped a ton. Everyone is definitely right, communication is key.

lck741, I love that quote with your bit added onto it. Thanks!

lisaar910, I will try my best. I've struggled with comparing myself to others all of my life, and although I've gotten much, much better, it still hits me once in awhile. I do remind myself that I'm lucky to see him as often as I do. Thank you.

JoMarie, I'm planning on it! I've taken up crocheting again and am trying to throw myself into studying again. Plus I'm taking on a part-time second (night) job which will have me *hopefully* busy for most of the day.

Thank you so much everyone for replying. This is the most support I've ever gotten. Thank you!!

[Talent_2]

Welcome! This forum is great to get help and advice the people here are lovely!

I'm the worrier in my relationship I always see the problems and negatives but I also have a habit of showing my SO the positives when he's down but not able to do it for myself (weird huh?)

I try to keep busy and/or look at our photos and remember the good times and why we are together talking to my SO about it actually helps me the the day I felt really down and when he phoned me I just started crying I couldn't even tell him why because I didn't know myself, but I did feel better for it. Sometimes a good cry can help clear your head

Good luck hun stay strong

[Silviar]

I think it's normal to get worried about a relationship no matter what the distance. When you're in college, there's so much change and evolution, and it's awesome, but a little scary, too. I know I've had those feelings before. I would say it's important to realize what you're feeling is natural, and that you'll eventually make it to a place where you no longer have that worry. Enjoy your relationship and the joys it brings you - don't worry about nothing, because it'll eat at you and create something.

[loveonspeedial]

when I start to worry, I ask God to take away the negative thoughts from me.

[amari77]

Hey justbreathe...I'm in kind of the same situation right now...just spent the last 15 minutes crying, so that was fun. The issue I'm having with my boyfriend is his job. Which is what's keeping us apart. He works on a ship (not Navy, he's a civilian) that's currently in Hawaii but will be on the west coast by the end of the month. It happens to be a very disorganized organization, so I never know when he'll have shore leave, and it causes him a lot of stress because they're constantly screwing him over. I'm in Massachusetts right now, and I have to stay here. For one thing, I'm trying to get my RN. And for another, I just don't have the money to move. I couldn't even afford to do an in-town move right now. He's from the west coast and wants to end up there eventually. Anyway...I've had some trouble adjusting to the whole LDR thing. It's not so much the distance or the not having him around thing, it's actually more the fact that I have no control over it. He likes working on boats and wants to continue it- okay, fine, I can support that. I guess. This might sound nuts, but it's awfully hard for me to support the thing that keeps him away from me, and also the thing that sometimes, in my weaker moments, it feels like he's choosing over me. It feels like everything in our relationship revolves around his job. And I have NO say in it. I just have to sit here and wait to find out when he gets leave, where he'll be, et cetera. To me, a job is just a job. A means to an end. One of the reasons I picked nursing is that I can do it anywhere...and, ironically enough, the one place I can't do it is wherever he is. Anyway, I would never choose my job over someone I cared about. I don't think he sees it that way, but he's lost other relationships because of it. Anyway, today the plot thickened significantly, because he informed me that he's considering taking a job on land- in California. This upset me quite a bit. I've been trying to be supportive of his stupid job, accepting the facts as they are and sucking it up, being patient and not complaining. Now he tells me he's going to get a job on land. In California! Working with his mother. His uncle lives on Cape Cod and owns fishing boats, but he doesn't want to work for him at least until I finish school (another year)...but it's okay to work a year in California with his mom. He's trying to get his 3rd mates license, maybe there's some reason he'd have to be on the west coast to do that...but that's the other thing. He doesn't explain anything to me. The logic of this whole thing is completely beyond my comprehension. I know that we need to talk about it. But the commitmentphobe part of me is telling me to cut and run. I'm going to have to do an LDR for the rest of my life, or as long as I'm with him? Can I DO that? I mean, what if we have kids? Who the heck is going to help me? Do I want a guy who's never going to be around, who's going to miss months of his kids growing up? Who would choose the damn boating B.S. over us? I know I'm getting ahead of myself, here, but man, I don't want to end up there someday asking the same questions I'm asking now. Love is all nice and romantic, but you have to be practical too. It's one thing to know that someday the LDR stuff is going to be over, and it's another thing to know that it never will be, until we're both too old to give a crap anyway. Do I love him enough to put myself through all that while he's off galavanting around on a boat? Honestly I don't know if I would ever love ANYONE enough to put myself through that. It seems totally ridiculous, and I'm just not that much of a sap. On the other hand, thinking about dumping him is making me sick to my stomach. Sorry to rant and rave, here, but I'm quite upset. And thanks for being patient enough to read this, if you got all the way through. You deserve some kind of award or fruit basket for reading my lunacy.