I'm really nervous about posting all this in this forum, honestly.
I have some problems with my LDR, and I really need at least someone to read. I feel so lost.
The story is not a very short one. I will try to be brief.
It was December of 2005 and I lived with my father in upstate NY, when I met the love of my life, Allen. When we first met we had a teenage like internet relationship. It was my first relationship and he my first love. We did all the wrong things, and I got hurt badly as of course at that age how could we have been serious enough about one another, who we'd never met, to be 'faithful.' He cheated on me numerous times during our teenage years. I don't hold it against him at all. We both had bad childhoods, so we were not very emotionally ready, not to mention we were only kids.
When I was around half a year from turning 18 I moved into a shelter, so I could continue HS, which my mother have forced me to drop out of. Me and Allen had barely been in contact around this time, but when I got into the shelter I started to call him daily. I only had one other person call me and no family visits for the whole summer before I started up school again. As I started school Allen became banned from using the phone, even though I was the one calling. We sparsely emailed together but there was virtually no way to keep in touch. While I was at school I met a boy, named Aaron, who I would hang out with and had four classes with. We spent a lot of time together, including lunch. I openly talked about Allen with him and, he, a girl who had moved away sometime ago. Allen and I slowly dropped out of contact completely, and I began to rely heavily in Aaron for emotional support as I had no family the whole time I was in the shelter. I broke down during lunch one day and Aaron comforted me with a hug as I cried. That comfort...Was all I needed...After around a month I confessed to Aaron, and had stopped contacting Allen all together. Aaron would come pick me up from my shelter and I would come over his house as much as possible. We spent so much time together. It felt so good, after being practically abandoned. Looking back now I think that the reason we got so close was because me and Aaron both felt alone, and both needed someone.
After about 3 months of dating I had break down and called Aaron telling him I was leaving the shelter to god knows where! He had his mom agree to take me into there home, albeit we have never shared a room. After about a year of this arangement things got really ugly. Aaron could not handle the pressures of a close relationship (probably because it was so much so soon). Finally if I was upset he would not comfort me we would not talk to other. If he was in a good mood about once a week he would come spend time with me, but if I needed him he would so cruelly turn me away. It broke me in half. Again I wasn't good enough; again I was abandoned.
Shortly after Aaron started to turn me away, I got back into talking to people on the internet, and the boy I met when I was 15, Allen, came to mind. I still remembered all his contact info by heart, and, so I decided after all this time, and me being in a relationship with Aaron who at the time I still loved would be fine. Allen was a wonderful person to talk to. He can be the best listener in the world when someone is in need of it. I'm pretty sure I was lying to myself about it being innocent. I really missed him and longed for that closeness I felt, that bond.
After a while I slept into more and more intimate conversation with Allen. I know he knew of Aaron, he knew the situation the constant break ups. Sooner or later when me and Aaron broke up I would become official with Allen and then back and forth for a while. I have to be honest...At the time, having been hurt by the both respectively, I didn't feel as guilty as I should have. I didn't think Allen was serious about me at all. He had said such nice things to me in the past, and it always ended with me finding out I was a side project, so to speak. Over time those feelings dissolved away as Allen was there for me more a more. Finally, I broke it off with Aaron, I was really over him. I got really serious with Allen over this month span and was talking about moving to be with him.
Now I could sense it coming for days. Aaron tried to respect that I had moved on for a short amount of time, then when night, crying (which he hadn't done in so long it even shocked me) begging for another chance. I really was happy with Allen at the time. I told him no so very, very, very many times. And finally I got scared, because he wouldn't take no for an answer. I decided the next night when I spoke with Allen, I would explain what was going on. That point never came as Aaron came back the next morning again, actually waking me up by curling up in bed with me as I slept. I finally submitted, without getting to tell Allen about it...It was all very hard, but I had no where else I could go if not here. Allen accepted it and we continued our relationship since.
It has been awful for me, because Allen is waiting for me, alone, while even though it is a relationship I don't want I am still in it. I'm wrecked by my guilt. I feel I don't deserve Allen's trust. I've gotten better with that, because I have been very honest about things with Allen. If he says I am worthy I must be.
That is up to now...I'm 21 as I write this...I have been working really hard to save money to move to where Allen is, but the dream is so far and in the mean time, Allen is left to suffer, as am I, not to mention the fact that Aaron really does try really hard to make it work between us...It's really unfair. I can't sleep at night a lot of the time. I'm busy trying to find any wayz I can to make money so I can relocate. There is nothing good about having it being like this for anyone involved. i know Allen hurts a lot because of it. And my stress levels are very high.
With the way my childhood and teenage years went no one ever taught me to drive, it was a huge struggle just to get my permit, now I have to pay for lessons out of my own pocket because no one can/will teach me. Then $400 for the tag, around $3 to $400 a month for insurance, and all the other associated costs. over 2,000 miles is not by any stretch cheap, even if I haul it all myself. And then there is getting a job once I'm over there. I'm not making enough as it is...
It's just too much to bare...A lot of the time I want to give up but my heart won't let me do it. I really love that crazy bastard. lol
I have some problems with my LDR, and I really need at least someone to read. I feel so lost.
The story is not a very short one. I will try to be brief.
It was December of 2005 and I lived with my father in upstate NY, when I met the love of my life, Allen. When we first met we had a teenage like internet relationship. It was my first relationship and he my first love. We did all the wrong things, and I got hurt badly as of course at that age how could we have been serious enough about one another, who we'd never met, to be 'faithful.' He cheated on me numerous times during our teenage years. I don't hold it against him at all. We both had bad childhoods, so we were not very emotionally ready, not to mention we were only kids.
When I was around half a year from turning 18 I moved into a shelter, so I could continue HS, which my mother have forced me to drop out of. Me and Allen had barely been in contact around this time, but when I got into the shelter I started to call him daily. I only had one other person call me and no family visits for the whole summer before I started up school again. As I started school Allen became banned from using the phone, even though I was the one calling. We sparsely emailed together but there was virtually no way to keep in touch. While I was at school I met a boy, named Aaron, who I would hang out with and had four classes with. We spent a lot of time together, including lunch. I openly talked about Allen with him and, he, a girl who had moved away sometime ago. Allen and I slowly dropped out of contact completely, and I began to rely heavily in Aaron for emotional support as I had no family the whole time I was in the shelter. I broke down during lunch one day and Aaron comforted me with a hug as I cried. That comfort...Was all I needed...After around a month I confessed to Aaron, and had stopped contacting Allen all together. Aaron would come pick me up from my shelter and I would come over his house as much as possible. We spent so much time together. It felt so good, after being practically abandoned. Looking back now I think that the reason we got so close was because me and Aaron both felt alone, and both needed someone.
After about 3 months of dating I had break down and called Aaron telling him I was leaving the shelter to god knows where! He had his mom agree to take me into there home, albeit we have never shared a room. After about a year of this arangement things got really ugly. Aaron could not handle the pressures of a close relationship (probably because it was so much so soon). Finally if I was upset he would not comfort me we would not talk to other. If he was in a good mood about once a week he would come spend time with me, but if I needed him he would so cruelly turn me away. It broke me in half. Again I wasn't good enough; again I was abandoned.
Shortly after Aaron started to turn me away, I got back into talking to people on the internet, and the boy I met when I was 15, Allen, came to mind. I still remembered all his contact info by heart, and, so I decided after all this time, and me being in a relationship with Aaron who at the time I still loved would be fine. Allen was a wonderful person to talk to. He can be the best listener in the world when someone is in need of it. I'm pretty sure I was lying to myself about it being innocent. I really missed him and longed for that closeness I felt, that bond.
After a while I slept into more and more intimate conversation with Allen. I know he knew of Aaron, he knew the situation the constant break ups. Sooner or later when me and Aaron broke up I would become official with Allen and then back and forth for a while. I have to be honest...At the time, having been hurt by the both respectively, I didn't feel as guilty as I should have. I didn't think Allen was serious about me at all. He had said such nice things to me in the past, and it always ended with me finding out I was a side project, so to speak. Over time those feelings dissolved away as Allen was there for me more a more. Finally, I broke it off with Aaron, I was really over him. I got really serious with Allen over this month span and was talking about moving to be with him.
Now I could sense it coming for days. Aaron tried to respect that I had moved on for a short amount of time, then when night, crying (which he hadn't done in so long it even shocked me) begging for another chance. I really was happy with Allen at the time. I told him no so very, very, very many times. And finally I got scared, because he wouldn't take no for an answer. I decided the next night when I spoke with Allen, I would explain what was going on. That point never came as Aaron came back the next morning again, actually waking me up by curling up in bed with me as I slept. I finally submitted, without getting to tell Allen about it...It was all very hard, but I had no where else I could go if not here. Allen accepted it and we continued our relationship since.
It has been awful for me, because Allen is waiting for me, alone, while even though it is a relationship I don't want I am still in it. I'm wrecked by my guilt. I feel I don't deserve Allen's trust. I've gotten better with that, because I have been very honest about things with Allen. If he says I am worthy I must be.
That is up to now...I'm 21 as I write this...I have been working really hard to save money to move to where Allen is, but the dream is so far and in the mean time, Allen is left to suffer, as am I, not to mention the fact that Aaron really does try really hard to make it work between us...It's really unfair. I can't sleep at night a lot of the time. I'm busy trying to find any wayz I can to make money so I can relocate. There is nothing good about having it being like this for anyone involved. i know Allen hurts a lot because of it. And my stress levels are very high.
With the way my childhood and teenage years went no one ever taught me to drive, it was a huge struggle just to get my permit, now I have to pay for lessons out of my own pocket because no one can/will teach me. Then $400 for the tag, around $3 to $400 a month for insurance, and all the other associated costs. over 2,000 miles is not by any stretch cheap, even if I haul it all myself. And then there is getting a job once I'm over there. I'm not making enough as it is...
It's just too much to bare...A lot of the time I want to give up but my heart won't let me do it. I really love that crazy bastard. lol
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