Some advice for this complex situation?

[kay]

I'm really nervous about posting all this in this forum, honestly.

I have some problems with my LDR, and I really need at least someone to read. I feel so lost.
The story is not a very short one. I will try to be brief.

It was December of 2005 and I lived with my father in upstate NY, when I met the love of my life, Allen. When we first met we had a teenage like internet relationship. It was my first relationship and he my first love. We did all the wrong things, and I got hurt badly as of course at that age how could we have been serious enough about one another, who we'd never met, to be 'faithful.' He cheated on me numerous times during our teenage years. I don't hold it against him at all. We both had bad childhoods, so we were not very emotionally ready, not to mention we were only kids.

When I was around half a year from turning 18 I moved into a shelter, so I could continue HS, which my mother have forced me to drop out of. Me and Allen had barely been in contact around this time, but when I got into the shelter I started to call him daily. I only had one other person call me and no family visits for the whole summer before I started up school again. As I started school Allen became banned from using the phone, even though I was the one calling. We sparsely emailed together but there was virtually no way to keep in touch. While I was at school I met a boy, named Aaron, who I would hang out with and had four classes with. We spent a lot of time together, including lunch. I openly talked about Allen with him and, he, a girl who had moved away sometime ago. Allen and I slowly dropped out of contact completely, and I began to rely heavily in Aaron for emotional support as I had no family the whole time I was in the shelter. I broke down during lunch one day and Aaron comforted me with a hug as I cried. That comfort...Was all I needed...After around a month I confessed to Aaron, and had stopped contacting Allen all together. Aaron would come pick me up from my shelter and I would come over his house as much as possible. We spent so much time together. It felt so good, after being practically abandoned. Looking back now I think that the reason we got so close was because me and Aaron both felt alone, and both needed someone.

After about 3 months of dating I had break down and called Aaron telling him I was leaving the shelter to god knows where! He had his mom agree to take me into there home, albeit we have never shared a room. After about a year of this arangement things got really ugly. Aaron could not handle the pressures of a close relationship (probably because it was so much so soon). Finally if I was upset he would not comfort me we would not talk to other. If he was in a good mood about once a week he would come spend time with me, but if I needed him he would so cruelly turn me away. It broke me in half. Again I wasn't good enough; again I was abandoned.

Shortly after Aaron started to turn me away, I got back into talking to people on the internet, and the boy I met when I was 15, Allen, came to mind. I still remembered all his contact info by heart, and, so I decided after all this time, and me being in a relationship with Aaron who at the time I still loved would be fine. Allen was a wonderful person to talk to. He can be the best listener in the world when someone is in need of it. I'm pretty sure I was lying to myself about it being innocent. I really missed him and longed for that closeness I felt, that bond.

After a while I slept into more and more intimate conversation with Allen. I know he knew of Aaron, he knew the situation the constant break ups. Sooner or later when me and Aaron broke up I would become official with Allen and then back and forth for a while. I have to be honest...At the time, having been hurt by the both respectively, I didn't feel as guilty as I should have. I didn't think Allen was serious about me at all. He had said such nice things to me in the past, and it always ended with me finding out I was a side project, so to speak. Over time those feelings dissolved away as Allen was there for me more a more. Finally, I broke it off with Aaron, I was really over him. I got really serious with Allen over this month span and was talking about moving to be with him.

Now I could sense it coming for days. Aaron tried to respect that I had moved on for a short amount of time, then when night, crying (which he hadn't done in so long it even shocked me) begging for another chance. I really was happy with Allen at the time. I told him no so very, very, very many times. And finally I got scared, because he wouldn't take no for an answer. I decided the next night when I spoke with Allen, I would explain what was going on. That point never came as Aaron came back the next morning again, actually waking me up by curling up in bed with me as I slept. I finally submitted, without getting to tell Allen about it...It was all very hard, but I had no where else I could go if not here. Allen accepted it and we continued our relationship since.

It has been awful for me, because Allen is waiting for me, alone, while even though it is a relationship I don't want I am still in it. I'm wrecked by my guilt. I feel I don't deserve Allen's trust. I've gotten better with that, because I have been very honest about things with Allen. If he says I am worthy I must be.

That is up to now...I'm 21 as I write this...I have been working really hard to save money to move to where Allen is, but the dream is so far and in the mean time, Allen is left to suffer, as am I, not to mention the fact that Aaron really does try really hard to make it work between us...It's really unfair. I can't sleep at night a lot of the time. I'm busy trying to find any wayz I can to make money so I can relocate. There is nothing good about having it being like this for anyone involved. i know Allen hurts a lot because of it. And my stress levels are very high.
With the way my childhood and teenage years went no one ever taught me to drive, it was a huge struggle just to get my permit, now I have to pay for lessons out of my own pocket because no one can/will teach me. Then $400 for the tag, around $3 to $400 a month for insurance, and all the other associated costs. over 2,000 miles is not by any stretch cheap, even if I haul it all myself. And then there is getting a job once I'm over there. I'm not making enough as it is...

It's just too much to bare...A lot of the time I want to give up but my heart won't let me do it. I really love that crazy bastard. lol

[Rach321]

Hi Kay,
I read through your story, and I wish I had better advice for you. But it sounds like you've given things a lot of thought. It can be difficult to care for more than one person, and you seem to know that you need to choose one of these men to be with. But have you thought about trying to make it on your own for a bit? I'm just afraid that if you go from one complicated relationship to another, you won't really have time to work through the things that made the relationship complicated to begin with. I can imagine your situation is very stressful, and my heart hurts to think about it. I think the most important thing for you to do is to find some peace within yourself- decide what it is you really want, and then be honest with both of the men in your life. This will not be easy, but I can imagine that keeping things secretive is not easy either. I really wish you all the best Kay!

[Mio]

You are in a very complicated position right now. And sometimes things are better said than done, specially when it involves feelings. All I can say is that honesty is the key. The sooner you are honest to your own feelings, the sooner you will be able to break free from this complication. Also, the longest you wait the more painful it will be.
Best wishes!

[kay]

I guess I didn't explain well enough, I can't move out on my own. I only make around $230 every other week. I only made 7,000 last year, while working. If there was any way I could move I would have right away. Sadly...I can't. I would give anything for that. I have no plan of jumping into me and Allen's relationship. My mind is very made up on what I want. I want to end my relationship with Aaron, as I will never feel for him as I did. All the little ways he asks...We just don't match up. It's not trust or anything else. That event just made me realize it in a traumatic way. We could never be close to each other as I need to be with someone. I also learned I don't wanna jump into a relationship with Allen. But waiting around hurting these two people is very painful. I am by nature a deeply caring person and even though I no longer love Aaron like that I still care for him and think he is a genuinely good person.

But how do I handle all this in the mean time? I have no choice but too, and it's hard enough to deal with a long distance relationship, but I could handle that. I can't even afford to go see him. If I could do that it wouldn't be so bad. I could work towards towards my goals, and finally get my own place. I know I will do it...I also go through such doubt because, even though I am sure I am on the right path, I don't actually see the path I'm taking, and some times when he is out with his friends I feel so lonely I could just fall apart, and then I doubt things. My feelings, his, whether it's right, or if I'm just fooling myself. I have a big problem with feeling like I can be loved. I spent my life feeling I couldn't be, so now I am a bit damaged by it. It's really amazing me and him have been able to stick through with our relationship, but it really has only deepened our bond together.

[Zephii]

Sometimes I sound a little harsh, but my heart is in the right place, so bear with me. My story is a bit like yours.

I was out of home at 15, and am an orphan. I met Obi over the net when I was bearly 17 and fell for him hard - whilst dating another man. I felt I had to stay with that man for many reasons. Sometimes I thought I still loved him, sometimes I believed Canada was too far away from Australia (8000 miles) and that Obi was just a dream. Someone on the internet, nothing more. Sometimes I felt bad for giving up too easily with this other man. I didn't want to prove people right, and everyone said we'd never last. And in the end I was too scared to, he threatened to harm my sister and Obi if I left him. I stayed with him five years. Obi knew, and he wanted me for himself. Everyone got hurt. I'm seriously summerising here. There was years of pain. So I know what I'm talking about when I say You Need To Get Out and stop messing with people.

I know on a low wage that isn't easy. When I broke up with this other guy I still had to live with him for months because I couldn't support myself alone. I lived in total fear. Eventually I kicked him out, even though I didn't have the money to live alone. I was earning about the same you were - 7 grand a year, on unemployment benifits, because he refused to let me work. I survived for a couple of months on a tight buget. All I could afford to eat was one egg, one slice of "plastic" cheese and one piece of bread per day. I drank only water and diconnected everything I could to save power, including my empty fridge. I knew what real hardship was then, I became so sick and dropped over ten kilos - I weighed less than 40kg. Without the net I couldn't talk to Obi, my closest friend, but we kept diaries, and when I had the money I knew we'd swap them. Writing made me feel like I had someone to talk to.
Finally I found someone to move in with, and gradually things got better.

You seem to think there are no options, but there are always options. A lot of the time they are not GOOD options, but they are there. Some are scary, some require a lot of sacrifice before you get what you want, but you can't just wait and let life pass you by.
Believe that you can do it! It took Obi and I more than 6 years, and here I am living with him in a new country. You can make your dreams come true. Just know what you want, and stand by it no matter the emotional blackmail others throw your way. And research! there are so many charities and government things out there to help you. Find resources and support groups. In the mean time? There is no recipie. You just have to remember why you're standing by your decisions and follow through.

I wish you all the best.
Peace, Love and Carrots!

[Michelle]

Wow Zephii. You are such a strong person and an inspiration.

And Kay, I agree with Zephii on the point she made about not staying with someone just for financial support. There are a lot of resources out there for you. You can get housing assistance and food stamps. I would speak with a social worker. They'd be able to offer you a lot of support and resources that you may not have been aware of.

[Frank]

Hi Kay, I really have no experience like yours, so I do not know how much my opinion will count or help. I firmly believe in setting goals. When you have a goal, you have something to look forward to and work towards. No matter what life throws at you, you always know that your next step is a step towards your goal.

If you want to move in with Allen, make that your goal. Set aside the money, make plans, try to find a job in advance, etc.

I am wondering, though, why does Aaron force you to be with him? He must know it isn't a loving relationship if he is the only one that wants to be in it.

[kay]

Thank you for all the response. I feel really overwhelmed.

Last night Allen told me he was considering being with someone closer. He said he needed to sleep on it before he left last night...He is just lonely, and I don't know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed... I'm scared and i don't know what to do. The plot just continues to thicken.