Feeling one-sided

[concernedanon]

I really need relationship advice, so please bear the wall of text.

I've been with this wonderful girl for six months and we fell madly in love with her. She's a very sweet girl, albeit she can be pretty shy and quiet sometimes. I'd send her gifts once every month along with a love letter. She had no money so she never sent me anything in return. At first that was fine, but then it started eating at me. I'm not so shallow as to expect something materialistic in return, but I was really hoping I'd at least get some cute picture from her in return but that was a very rare occurence. It really bothered me that when she was out with a past boyfriend, she made him this very sweet slideshow with pictures of her and I felt insulted that she never made something like that for me. And on top of that, I feel like I've been carrying the relationship for the past few months.

I confronted her about how I feel like I'm carrying the whole relationship and how it'd be nice to receive something sweet every once in a while and she seems genuinely sorry and that she would try and change it, but it's still the same. Lately, she hasn't said "I love you" or "I've missed you" as frequently as we used to. We used to say that to each other everyday, but now I have to say it for her to reciprocate which makes it feel like she's only saying it because I did.

I've thought of three reasons why she's acting this way: because I may be suffocating her, because our honeymoon phase has ended, or because she's starting to take me for granted. I'm going crazy trying to figure out what to do and I feel like I should just break up with her, but I really don't want to because I love her a lot.

Can anyone please help me out with this ordeal?

[LadyMarchHare]

I think, from her view, you saying you're the only one doing the work has probably made her feel pretty bad and pressured to do anything, which may lead to her doing nothing out of fear it may not be good enough. I'm not sure how you handled the confrontation, if it was very heated or calm, but if she's sensitive it may have struck a chord. I'm not pinning any blame on you, I just try to look at it from both sides and what 'might' be.

Your best bet, I think, would be to write a list of everything you feel is unequal in the relationship and see if you can come up with a solution you both have to be involved with, then bring it to her and express you're only asking these things because you love her and she means enough to you to try and work it out instead of leaving in frustration like most might. I'd also see about asking her how she feels, if she can provide a reason as to why she's seemed more affectionately distant, and if it's because of that confrontation. It's not a bad thing to want gifts. You've sent them, a reciprocation or even a thank you card is always appreciated, but no one's a mind reader and some people don't take hints well. As well, don't bring up exes and what they did for them when asking, it can be considered rude and you don't need to compare yourself to the past, you know?

Best of luck.

[concernedanon]

Thanks for the advice, LadyMarchHare. I tried to tell her calm and concerned tone, but it is possible she took it the wrong way, though. And I feel like making a list and everything may be a little too harsh.

I'm really starting to lean towards that she may be taking me for granted. If that is the case, would you or anyone else happen to know what I can do? I figured that I could just tell her upfront about it (I don't think that'd be a good idea because of what LadyMarchHare said, it sounds like I may be accusing her) or just to stop saying "I love you" and have her say it first. I've tried the latter for a couple days and she's only said it once to me without me having to say it first. It bothers me.

[NickyDoll]

I can definitely see it from your side. Here you are, being all romantic, and she's got nothing. But I can see it from her side too. I'm a little bit the same, very introverted and shy. My SO is exactly the opposite. He says exactly what he's thinking and he isn't embarrassed to say what's on his mind like I am. I get so embarrassed when he starts being mushy or talks about sex. It's just my personality, it does not mean I love him less. On the contrary, I love him so much I don't want to say or do anything that makes me look stupid. It just means I'm new to this and I'm too easily embarrassed lol but I am trying so hard to change it's just not an overnight fix. Maybe it's the same with your SO. Hope everything turns out ok

[Karringtyn]

Sometimes when I feel that way I take a step back....and he always steps up....but that's just us...

You know your relationship and I would follow your heart and do what you feel is best. You mentioned maybe you were suffocating her. Has she said that she felt that way before?

[Tanja]

IF you are right and she is taking you for granted then you need to make her think differently... stop being available, stop being the one who makes all the effort to make this relationship work. Tell her how you feel and that you don't want to be treated this way, she needs to step up as well because there's always 2 people in a relationship. Having no money to send things by snail mail is just an excuse, there's millions of things you can send online that are totally free, they'll only take a little of her time and a few mouse clicks...

If it's not that and she's just getting bored suggest something new you could do together, play games, send each other stuff, do things that can set off the honeymoon phase again. Have you met in person yet? Have you got any plans to meet? That's always something that spices things up and gets you excited.

Has she told you she feels like you're suffocating her? Ask her and if that's the case step back a notch and give her some space - the love doesn't go anywhere even if you didn't spend every waking moment together.

Hope this helps and things get better!

[LadyMarchHare]

Thanks for the advice, LadyMarchHare. I tried to tell her calm and concerned tone, but it is possible she took it the wrong way, though. And I feel like making a list and everything may be a little too harsh.

I'm really starting to lean towards that she may be taking me for granted. If that is the case, would you or anyone else happen to know what I can do? I figured that I could just tell her upfront about it (I don't think that'd be a good idea because of what LadyMarchHare said, it sounds like I may be accusing her) or just to stop saying "I love you" and have her say it first. I've tried the latter for a couple days and she's only said it once to me without me having to say it first. It bothers me.

I'm an organized person so I tend to make lists, they're not for everyone.

Flat out cutting off affection to me is maybe the worst thing you can do as you're retaliating, not working to solve the problem. You can try prompting her into saying "I love you" first by maybe saying "I care so much for you" or "You mean a lot to me." See what she says, if she notices the three magical words aren't being initiated anymore on your end. There are ways to tell her your feelings in a gentle, non-confrontational way such as using "I" and "me" statements and not "you" ones (like saying "I feel taken for granted." and not "you're taking me for granted") and just being honest about you and where you feel YOU stand in this because only you know your feelings, you don't know hers and we don't want to assume anything if we can help it, you know? It's a problem that can't be avoided, sadly, just to spare feelings. You can try to be gentle, she may still take it the wrong way, but at that point it's entirely on her and not you because you made the effort to not be accusing or cruel. There may be a level of miscommunication here, which does happen plenty in LDRs.

[Veronica]

I agree with everyone a little bit! When i started dating my so i was extremely shy, and since english isnt my first language it was really hard for me to be sweet on the phone, it took me ages to call him honey for instance! saying i love you was really hard too, although i did love him, a lot (i still do) Maybe if you guys are new at this she is just having a hard time opening up to you. If you still think she is taking you for granted i completely agree with LadyMarchHere, you can keep on telling her how much she means to you, and showing her how much you care by sending a nice email, or asking her to spend some time with you on skype playing games or watching a movie. I bet thats gonna remind her how special you are. I dont think that stop showing affection can help, that is a bit drastic, and if she doesnt respond its just gonna make you feel awful..
And there are so many things that you can do together online, or on the phone, even by email, that are gonna make your connection stronger and help you and your girl interact better. I think you should relax and give it some time. Have you been in LD for long?

[outrayge]

Original thread poster here, just wanted to use my main account since it's pointless now.

It didn't end well.

I kept pushing her to find out what's wrong and she finally told me: she didn't love me anymore. After that, she said she wanted some time to figure out whether we should still be a couple or not. She had no clue how long it'd take. I kept thinking about it the whole day and to save myself some sleep, I contacted her and told her that we're breaking up.

I'm still teary eyed as I'm typing this. We've been together for six months, and it broke my heart when we broke up. We shared so many things in common, she really did feel like my other half...and now it's been ripped out of me...

[mllebamako]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how heartbreaking it is to find out someone doesn't care for you the way you did for them. I had a very similar situation a couple of years ago where I was always making the effort too and found out the same thing as you in the end. I know it doesn't help to hear this now, but at least you know now instead of sitting around worrying and trying to figure out if she cares or doesn't.

*Big hugs*

[outrayge]

Actually on the contrary, mllebamako, it's helped me a little since it helps me to know that I'm not alone.

[mllebamako]

Actually on the contrary, mllebamako, it's helped me a little since it helps me to know that I'm not alone.

You'll make it through this and find someone who gives you the love you deserve!

[LadyMarchHare]

No matter what, you're really never alone. I'm sorry it ended the way it did, but now at least the healing process can begin and you can take your life from there, no matter what that means.

[outrayge]

"If you want it, take it."
I know this is crazy, but at the moment, I'm considering to fight back, to recover the love from her that has waned. I'm not looking for anyone to talk me out of it, but rather to give me any advice. I want to go down fighting.

[mllebamako]

"If you want it, take it."
I know this is crazy, but at the moment, I'm considering to fight back, to recover the love from her that has waned. I'm not looking for anyone to talk me out of it, but rather to give me any advice. I want to go down fighting.

Hmm...I really don't know how to give advice on this so maybe I should keep my mouth shut. But, you can't make someone have feelings for you who doesn't anymore. And even if you could, would you want to? Don't you want her to be with you because of her own desire to be in it?

Okay. I'll keep my mouth shut now.