I feel like he is never going to come

[agentholli]

I have been feeling really depressed lately about my relationship. He is waiting for a settlement to come through on a car accident and that money he is going to use to come here for our first visit and then to move here. It keeps getting put off by the lawyer..he was suppose to have it a year ago, and then it was by the end of 2009, and then it was the first of Jan. 2010, then it was by March..now no one knows when it will be. The lawyer called him just last week and told him he was just waiting for a court date.

Well, then he also has 2 cars. and he has been talking about selling one of them, and then use the money to come visit me. Well he put them in the paper..its a nice bright yellow cobra mustang...and he didn't get any serious offers. Then I told him about this website that you can go to, and you put in the information of the car, and get a quote and then take it to the car dealership to either trade it in, or get the cash for it. He has had all weekend..and has he done anything about it? NO! I mean it seems like it would take like 2 hours and his car would be sold. He tells me and tells me that he wants to be here, and we talk about our future and all, and then he just sits on this gold mine that I found? What the hell?!?!?

It makes me sooooo incredibly sad. In my mind, all i can say to myself is he doesn't really want it. I NEED some action behind those words. We argue about this often. He knows how i feel. He just told me that he didn't do anything with the website, and I said why not? he said, cause I just haven't. I say again why? cause I haven't. I say..whatever! He doesn't say anythign else to it, but in my mind, it hurts! It hurts my feelings so bad that he isn't willing to do it. I know he doesn't want to give up the car..but when he gets the settlement he can buy another one. It makes me feel like his car means more to him then I do. It makes me feel so incredibly worthless. It makes me feel like all our hopes and dreams and thought and plans are all for nothing. He will never come. He doesn't want it as bad as I do. I mean what else am i suppose to think?

[LadyMarchHare]

While I understand your frustration, I also understand how he feels about selling something that sounds like he'd only sell if it was the very very last resort. We get attached to the silliest things and would sooner die than get rid of them even if it meant staving off living under a bridge. I have a doll valued near 1k I'd never sell even if it meant buying a ticket to see my SO tomorrow. Dumb yes, but there you go. It's not that I love him less than the doll, I just am attached. I think it's the same for your guy, he wants another option to crop up, he's hanging his hopes on the settlement and not the 'gold mine' because to him it's not striking gold, it's just another option to twist his arm when/if things don't go the way he hopes.

I think for right now you might want to try and distract yourself from the situation until you're calm. Fuming on it's not gonna help you and, if you're like me, will have regrettable words said in the end. Don't pressure him into giving up what he doesn't want to give up when it's not the only option out there. I'd also suggest he kick his lawyer in the rear or consult another about all this pussyfooting.

[paulawriteslove]

I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. Try not to let all this get to you! Try to keep positive and try to distract yourself from all this stress. Try not to let him disappoint you and think of all the things that he is doing that are good! Best of luck!

[Karringtyn]

I can understand your frustration...you just want to see him...and it seems like for one thing or another that "meeting" keeps being pushed back. I am glad you have told him exactly how you feel. ((((Hugs))))

[Lunar Snow]

Hi, you.

It really sucks feeling that way and I am sure that many of us can sympathize. I was on that same roller coaster of emotions with my SO and it did come to a head a few times, with me suggesting breaking contact off all together if he was just going to jerk my emotions around and we would never meet and, therefore, never become official and confirm exclusivity (I am very glad to be off that roller coaster though...I don't even like them in real life and not just in the metaphorical sense <.<; ). I think it is natural to want to protect yourself and be a little wary of people constantly buying time and putting things off. However, I do think that you care about your guy a lot and want to make things work and trust in him, too. As LadyMarchHare says, people do hold onto treasures. I'm really low on funds right now, but I wouldn't say...sell my flute that I never play any more to raise funds to see my SO, because I used money from my inheritance from my Opa (who was really special to me and facilitating of my academic and artistic pursuits) to purchase it (and if I ever did sell it, it would be because I find it hard to play it any more with asthma and would get another instrument, instead). That said, "I don't know" answers really upset me. If someone treasures something, they should have a reason for it. On the flip side, though, my most recent ex was also an LDR boyfriend. He was very well provided for by his parents, could be and was rather laissez faire about school and work. He would have extra money to sink into having like...three phones (the latest, of course), the latest video games system, a sound system for his car and yet he would go on and on about how much he missed me and how badly he wanted to visit me, but couldn't pay for a flight. Then, when he would come and visit, sometimes he would be generous but sometimes not so much (e.g. he said he was "taking" me out/ "treating" me to a relatively pricey restaurant and when we got there and had our food, he decided it wasn't up to what he wanted and I ended up having to foot the bill...after having my nose to the grindstone for the summer at a shoddily paid student job to make enough money for groceries at university). Anyway, rant mode...man, that guy had some good qualities...I guess, but he sure was an overall git. There is a line between valuing treasures and hoarding.

"He doesn't say anythign else to it, but in my mind, it hurts! It hurts my feelings so bad that he isn't willing to do it. I know he doesn't want to give up the car..but when he gets the settlement he can buy another one. It makes me feel like his car means more to him then I do. It makes me feel so incredibly worthless. It makes me feel like all our hopes and dreams and thought and plans are all for nothing. He will never come. He doesn't want it as bad as I do. I mean what else am i suppose to think?" Have you said these things to him? I think that I found that bit really striking from what you were saying and wondered if he could be so unresponsive or dismissive if you illuminated these thoughts for him.

[noodle]

I feel the exactly same way!
Basically he says he'll do everything to come see you and than weeks later he either forgets about it or just doesnt do it >_>
But I guess we have to be patient, and also look at the circumstances that he is in.
Like I know its hard for my SO to save up money cause he barely gets/makes any and the bit he does have he needs to spend on college so Im not blamin him for not havin 1000bucks or more for a flight ticket over here...

Talk to him, and tell him that it bugs you but dont say it in a bitchy way lol

[Tanja]

Awwww Holli

I agree with some things that LMH said... Guys can get so attached to their cars it's beyond our comprehension lol. My ex loved/loves all kinds of motor vehicles and at one point we had a new car every week! Also there were some he would not sell no matter what so I can understand how your guy feels probably...

Never the less, YOU should be the one his attached to. You still haven't met and he must know that by selling his car he could come up and see you... yet he won't do it. Why not? Cause he's lazy? Cause he's scared? Cause he's having second thoughts? It could be any of those things, I can't tell you that but you need to find it out asap.

This situation is clearly hurting you and you feel disappointed and ignored and you shouldn't feel that way in a relationship. Ask him bluntly why he hasn't made a move to meet you even though he could? Tell him how much it hurts you... and how much it would hurt him if things were the other way around.

He could be just having cold feet about meeting and letting go of his car... but that shouldn't prevent him from meeting you, you've waited for so long already! Try to talk to him about this and if he won't listen then email him with specific details how exactly he's making you feel and how important it is to you that you would meet him. Tell him you love him more than anything and you can't wait to hold him in your arms. I'm sure he feels the same way.

Take care and I hope he comes around and does the right thing! ♥

[Rosebud]

Sending lots of internet hugs your way I know how frustrating it can be to just want to make your SO do something, anything, so they can come and see you and how from being so far away it can feel like nothing is getting done. But you have to trust that he loves you and there's no doubt in my mind that he IS thinking of you and wants to see you very much. Try not to take your frustration out on him since that could make him defensive and even more stressed about working things out to see you, but I do think he needs to talk to you a little more about why he is hesitating.