For those in university.

[justbreathe]

(This might turn into a vent/worry session/I'm sorry!)

In almost every article/thread I've read concerning LDR's, I've seen the suggestion "have a date where you will end your distance; LDR's are meant to be temporary". But what about those away at school? My LDR is LD because of university. We're both in school and are 3 hours away from each other. This will continue until the rest of this school year. Then, in Fall 2011, who knows. My SO might go 6-7 hours away or he might stay where he's currently at.

Either way, I'm looking at another 3 years LD. I know I'm extremely lucky to see him semi-often (a fact that I tend to not appreciate as much as I should sometimes =/) but the thought that there's going to be THREE more years of this sends me into panic. I don't think I can handle another three years being without him near. I can't. Especially if he goes farther away, where my trips would be cut to maybe once a month. Again, I feel really selfish and bitchy for complaining about this when there's so many others that see their SO once a year, if that.

How do you give a tentative date for closing the distance when you're both in Uni? My SO and I are not into fairy tales. From the very beginning we knew that there's a possibility that we won't be a "forever and ever", and so we never say things like that. I can be a really hopeless romantic, and at times I wish I could be so naive in a way, but that's not how I am because I've seen the relationships around me fail as I grew up. We're both young. Who knows what can happen. It's something I always say but could never believe because I just don't want to imagine life without him. I know that if god forbid something were to happen, I would survive. I survived without him before, I can do it again. But I don't want to.

And that's what's killing me, I can't imagine being in an LDR for another 3 years but yet I don't want to be without him. I'm so in love with him. I feel like I'm beginning to try to emotionally distance myself from him so that I won't get "hurt" or whatever and I hate it. I have a tendency of running away from things when it gets too hard and so far I haven't, but I'm getting this huge urge to do so because I'm terrified. I'm starting to make myself feel numb towards everything, on top of the fact that anxiety is getting to me more often nowadays.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this post... It turned into a huge vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

[mllebamako]

Well, that is really tough and it is a situation that many couples on this site are in. Many people are looking at long periods before they could even imagine closing the distance. I wish I could give you advice, but in the end you and your SO need to decide how to move forward.
I can't say that I understand how you feel, because I do not have 3 or 4 years ahead of me like you do.

I hope that you guys can figure out a solution that works for both of you.

[sabby64]

I just started my first year of University, so at the beginning we were looking at a possible 4 years until we closed the distance. My SO is graduating from college in December, and he's in the same program that one of my friends was in before he came to the University here, and so I told my SO about it and now he's thinking of coming here and taking another 2 years so we can graduate together. So as it stands we're looking at just under 2 years. It's still a long time, but we just take things one day at a time.

I think the trick to it is not to look too far into the future. I could look at the closing date and moan on and on about how 2 years is so long, but I choose to look instead at the next time I'll see him which is much closer. We've found alot to do together on the internet and Xbox and stuff, and so we still have our hang out time everyday, so it's kind of like him being beside me if only for a few hours. We've also both got our own school life to focus on and so we're kept pretty busy, giving us more to do and less time to feel sad about being so far away.

If you're both confident that things will work out and you will be together, trust me, you'll find a way to make it work

[milaya]

I've just started university, which means I will hopefully graduate in 2014.
Which is the main thing my SO and I are waiting for. We can't close the distance before that time.
So far the plan is for me to graduate and then as soon as possible move to Japan. Since we hope to get married while I'm still in university, so things like spouse visa and such is settled.

It is hard to think about that there's at least 3 and a half year left before I can go and live in Japan, but I need my education and nothing can really chance that, I guess. All I (we) can do is wait. It all pays off in the end I think.

I guess you need to focus on the positive sides. That you've been lucky enough to find a person that you can't wait to live with and that you are able to see each other once a month. I mean, I know it doesn't help saying "there's others who has it worse than you", because I know things doesn't work that way, we're all used to different amount of separation time. But I also must admit that, it was one of those things that helped me. I used to think everything in my LDR was unfair, because there's around 7 weeks between we see each other (this time 16 weeks), but then I would this page and realized that we all have different resources and possibilities and maybe my situation wasn't so bad at all.

[Bluestars]

I am in the same situation--kind of--and I agree that it is really hard! I am a junior in college and plan on graduating in May 2012. I am in no condition to move before then because school is my top priority. We have already been doing this LDR thing for a year and six months, which is around six months longer than I anticipated. When we first started going out, my SO was a Senior in college, but he graduated last December and moved here the day after he graduated.....but he only lasted two months before he ended up moving back home (for various reasons).

Now, we do not have an end date set because my SO, who was always the one we both assumed would move, is confused with his life and trying to figure it out. Technically, there is nothing holding him back from moving here, but he has some things to sort out and I understand that. I used to get really upset because he cannot tell me when we can end the distance, but now, I just focus on the present because I still have a year and a half before I really need to worry about these things. We both try focusing on the next visit instead of the future.

Right now, knowing that we both want to be together in the future is enough for me.

[littlewinged1]

Don't worry about venting because that's really what this site is for. I'm sure everyone has done it at some point! haha

I have the same worries. I'm a college freshman right now and my SO is a high school senior. So for the rest of the year we are for sure LD but everything about next year is uncertain. I don't know if he is going to end up close to me or even further away than we already are. And so far its been 6 weeks or a month between visits and i'll actually be with him for a month for winter break. The amount of time in between visits is not as important to people on this site as just the fact that we are all in the same situation of being different from most couples. Over the past 3 months I've learned that focusing on the next visit helps keep you positive. And having hopes about the future is a good thing. I'm also a hopeless romantic and often dream of marrying my SO. The whole point of dating people is to find the person you are going to spend your life with so it's only a good thing to think about the future and if you aren't thinking that far yet, there is plenty of time to see if you get there. It also helps me just to know that there are other people separated because of college

[Laura024]

Well I can't rant about college too much, because it's actually bringing my SO and I together. He is a senior in college, and he wants to go to graduate school in the United States next year. I'm a sophomore undergraduate. So when he comes to the US this summer, I'm going to transfer to a college near his and we're going to be together. :] We've never met before, so I guess it makes it a little easier not knowing just what I'm missing. But my favorite advice on here is to take it day by day, because looking so far ahead really does get discouraging. The time spent together is worth all that time spent apart.

[squiddie]

I spent my last year of college LD, and it's absurdly rough. I didn't get to see him at all the entire year, since he was studying abroad. Heck, I'm working now and I still don't get to see him at all, since neither of us has the money to fly cross-country.

I would say, for the time being, don't fuss so much about closing the distance. Make plans to see each other in the short term, and still manage to enjoy your college careers. If he ends up transferring further away, still make plans to make it work for the time being.

You're in your first year of school. There's no telling what you're going to want to do three years down the road. So it's better to just look at things in the short term for now, as hard as that might be for the two of you.

[paulawriteslove]

I'm in college and I have at least another 3 years until I can graduate. So we're hoping he can move up here!

[justbreathe]

mllebamako,
Thanks for replying. We're really trying.

sabby64,
Good luck on him transferring closer! I do have a problem of looking too into the future though, I must admit. I'm already thinking about grad school and I'm only a sophomore! =X Even though I do have a lot of things to do, I might keep my hands busy but my mind is constantly thinking and overanalyzing and driving me nuts!

milaya,
Yeah, even though every individual handles the LD differently, I really try to remind myself of how lucky I am. Although it does get hard, especially on the bad, lonely days =/. Optimism is something I'm definitely working on right now, in all aspects of my life.

Bluestars,
Good luck on hopefully closing the distance soon. I try to focus on my next visit and the things we'll do together. At times it's so hard though! Ugh. My SO has told me he can see us together in his future so that definitely comforts.

littlewinged1,
Good luck! Yeah, this site is AMAZING, especially since I don't know anyone else in a LDR. Most people, when I tell them I'm in one, are like "wow, I could never do that", etc, which leaves me feeling awkward... what am I supposed to say to that? Ha.

Laura024,
Aw, good luck on him coming!! That's awesome. I'm trying to take it day-by-day... My little overactive mind goes into overdrive sometimes lol.

squiddie,
Ah, studying abroad... I want to do it but I won't be doing a full semester. I can't be away from NY for that long! Lol. I am thinking about a winter or summer though. I'm in my second year of school thankfully. We both are. He's in a CC though, which is why he might transfer out soon. Yeah, I'm trying to focus on the present. I have to keep smacking away the thoughts I have of the future haha.

paulawriteslove,
Good luck!!


Thank you soooo much everyone for replying. It makes me feel so much better that there are people out there going through similar situations, especially when I don't have any real life friends in LDR's.

[hxcbreakdance]

My SO is currently away at college and will be for the next 2 and a half years or so. We do not have a set date yet because his school is a priority which sucks but it's necessary! I feel your pain because it's hard not knowing when this is going to end but instead of thinking long term I just try to take it day by day because when I start thinking far into the future it just hurts because I know we will be LDR for a while still. I think everything happens for a reason and I think everything will work out right for you

[Zephii]

To me it seems simple. Both of you move half way and commute an hour and a half each day. (I suggest this lightly because Obi commutes that long every day for work and he seems to be surviving just fine.)

There are always options my friend. One of you could take a couple of courses by distance to study off campus for a while so you can temporarily be closer... You just need to be creative and see what resources are available for the taking

As for an end date, well I'm sure that helps a lot. But not having one at this stage is probably ok. To me, the end date thing is more another way of saying "make your partner and closeing the distance a priority in your life" and this is because a lot of people put their relationships on the back-burner and just go about their lives thinking some miracle will happen to put them together without them having to do the hard work themselves.
Nothing has to be set in stone, but having a plan will help you focus when becoming overwhelmed. The distance being temporary is a soothing thing to a lot of us... if we can't see an end in sight it's hard not to panic. That's all.

You can do three years You'll be ok!

[littlewinged1]

"littlewinged1,
Good luck! Yeah, this site is AMAZING, especially since I don't know anyone else in a LDR. Most people, when I tell them I'm in one, are like "wow, I could never do that", etc, which leaves me feeling awkward... what am I supposed to say to that? Ha."

I don't know anyone else in a LDR either so that's why I am on here so much. I get a lot of that here, especially since most people living in the dorms gave up on their LDR within the first week. I never really know what to say to that either but I just think that we are making our LDR work because it's worth it to us. Maybe the people who say that just aren't lucky enough to have someone that they love enough to be LD.

[justbreathe]

hxcbreakdance,
Seems like the generally popular advice is to take it day-by-day. I'm trying!

Zephii,
We wouldn't be able to move halfway as neither one of us have a car and we're supported by our parents. Our savings wouldn't be nearly enough to support both of us. Thanks for the suggestion though. If we were both a little older, I'd consider it. Thank you so much for the support!

littlewinged1,
Yeah, that might be it. Who knows. I lurk around the forums a lot. I'm working on actually posting replies lol!

[littlewinged1]

I do the exact same thing haha sometimes I just want to see what's going on but I don't feel like I have something to say that would help.