So I'm scared of the future

[squiddie]

So recently two of my closest friends, who have both been in long-term relationships (2 years and 3 years) have been a lot of problems.

R and her boyfriend are temporarily somewhat long distance (4 hours), as she graduated this past spring and is now in an internship for her career. Her boyfriend graduates in December, so it's almost, as he'll be moving back in with his dad. His dad lives about 20 minutes from R's apartment. But they've been fighting a LOT the last few months, in fact it seems like it's all they do now. R basically said that it's only good when they're not talking.

A and his girlfriend moved in together this past summer. He's finishing up his bachelor's degree, and she's in her last year of her master's (she finished her bachelor's in 3 years)...and they've sort of stalled. The relationship has become increasingly one-sided, with A being the only one putting effort in...and as a result, he's realized he's also seriously falling for a good friend. He's addressed this with his girlfriend, and they're taking it one day at a time, but...he's not sure how it will turn out.

And all of this is making me worried. I mean, Penn and I have been together for two years, and LD for the better part of those years. We're still completely okay. We almost never fight, though we do get annoyed with each other. But we get over it and move on.

But a part of me wonders how much of this is because we never see each other. I mean, I've seen him a total of two months in the last twelve, and we go through long stretches of not talking to each other. Maybe we haven't fought because the opportunity hasn't presented itself. Maybe things are only okay because we've been apart more than we've been together.

Deep down, I know I'm overreacting. Penn and I are a strong couple--we went from seeing each other every day and practically living together to having maybe a few days every few months. He is the darn best thing that's ever happened to me. We've been making this work, and we'll continue to make it work.

But closing the distance is becoming more and more real, even though it's still several months away (July or August 2011). And when I'm seeing the problems that my friends are having, friends whose relationships I always considered more stable than my own, and it makes me scared for it. Nothing feels concrete right now, and it makes me feel uneasy. I just wish there was something in my future that was certain.

[Trethsparr]

Deep down, I know I'm overreacting. Penn and I are a strong couple--we went from seeing each other every day and practically living together to having maybe a few days every few months. He is the darn best thing that's ever happened to me. We've been making this work, and we'll continue to make it work.

But closing the distance is becoming more and more real, even though it's still several months away (July or August 2011). And when I'm seeing the problems that my friends are having, friends whose relationships I always considered more stable than my own, and it makes me scared for it. Nothing feels concrete right now, and it makes me feel uneasy. I just wish there was something in my future that was certain.

Hmm, I can relate to this, because even though I'm just starting to round the first year mark with my SO, and we've been in an LDR for less than half that, we still have seemed to have very few arguments or problems. I've seen a few couples lately that had been together much longer (and who had appeared to be very much in love) seem to self-destruct all of a sudden, and each time I see a relationship end, I think of what I'd be feeling if it were my own and I begin to feel sick.

So, when this happens, there are a few points I try to keep in mind:

1. Appearances can be just that - appearances. Generally, couples can seem very in love and very solid in public, but privately they could be tearing each other down or interacting in unhealthy ways that undermine their relationships. It can be very tough to gauge where couples actually are from the outside, as they're more than likely going to try to act like everything's fine around others. I think we can all think of the couples that can't hide the crazy, but a lot of them can. I can't actually know the truth of what's going on in a relationship if I'm not a part of it. There can be a lot of anger or resentment building up over issues they've never dealt with until it suddenly boils to the surface, and - BOOM - the relationship is over.

2. Their relationship is not my relationship. If I have legitimate reasons to feel concerned because there is an issue cropping up in my relationship, then I know that I need to take steps to discuss the issue with my SO and come to a solution. However, it doesn't mean that my SO and I would be in the same situation that would cause other couples to split up or that we would even go about dealing with our issues in the same way. One of the things that I'm trying so hard to learn is that each couple is different (there can be common problems couples face, but relationships are as individual as the people in them) with a different timeline. I need to be wise and not try to ignore my problems - I try to communicate with my SO about them as soon as they present themselves (even more important in a LDR) - but everyone is dealt different cards, so I try to deal with the hand I got.

Since, in life, there are no absolute guarantees (save for, say, death and taxes), I would advise to just approach the relationship the best way you know how (which is, really, all any of us can do) and be honestly willing to work on it if necessary. And if he's as open as you are to maintaining your relationship and communicating as you are, you're in great shape. I think that a lot of couples (not all) will break up because they view it as easier than working through painful issues. (Not to mention making changes to engrained patterns of interacting.)

Life happens - many things are out of my control - and if I have a partner who will roll with the punches with me and stick it out, well, I find a lot of security in that.

[Čternity]

I guess the thing is, things change. Life changes. Sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. What's important is how you deal with those changes as a couple. I was nodding when you said

Maybe we haven't fought because the opportunity hasn't presented itself. Maybe things are only okay because we've been apart more than we've been together.

because we are the same way.

I hate having to work at a relationship because that can take all the fun out of it. Having said that though it is a work in progress - all relationships need work to keep them going. Maybe your friends aren't coping well with the changes they are going through because they aren't addressing it together or putting the same effort in as each other? Some people think because they are together that they no longer need to or have the time to work on their relationship. Also, I've learned not to compare myself with other relationships. Our 'insides' can't compare to others 'outsides'.

You've been making it work, one day at a time. Just because you feel you are overreacting doesn't mean you can't seek support or reassurance. Processing your fears is a great way of dealing with them.

[Bluestars]

I can relate to the uncertainty that you are experiencing to a certain extent. My parents divorced when I was ten when my Dad left my mom after 18 years of marriage. 18 years! He just up an told her that he was no longer in love with her, and although my mom wanted them to try and get help, my dad did not want to, and in my opinion he took the easier route, like Trethsparr mentioned. After being in my first serious relationship with my SO, I realize this now. I think a lot of people give up too easily.

That being said, I had a very hard time growing up dealing with my parent's divorce, and for the longest time I did not trust anyone and could not see myself ever getting married; in fact, I purposely avoided relationships because I didn't want to get hurt. However, that all changed around two years ago when I finally let my guard down, and I realized that a lot of couples do last.

Around a year ago though, I witnessed my aunt's marriage begin to fall apart. Growing up, her and her husband were always there for me, and I saw them as my second parents. They were my "ideal couple," and the possibility that they could break up after all of these years devastated me. If they couldn't make it, I wondered how I could make it. Their situation was a little different than my parent's though, and they are still together, but they had to work VERY hard to get past their problems. However, at the same time this was happening, I also attended my other aunt's fiftieth surprise birthday party that my uncle threw for her. Before we ate, my uncle gave an amazing speech about how much he loves her after all of these years, and I literally almost cried. Here was proof that some marriages can work.

That is the end of my rant, but my point was that you never know where life will take you in the future. I could spend all of my time worrying that my boyfriend and I will not make it in the future, but that will not do any good. I would like to say that we will live "happily ever after," but one thing that I have learned is that people change, things happen, and life doesn't always happen the way you want it to. The best that we can do now is to appreciate the time that we have with our SOs. I truly believe that if we are meant to be, then we will be. Even if we do not end up together, that does not mean that it did not happen for a reason. All of the experiences that we go through make us a better person, and an event that may seem to be bad now can have a positive impact later on in life.

Like the others have mentioned, it is best not to compare yourself to others. My SO and I have had a very rocky relationship because of the distance--both of us have a hard time dealing with it--and we have gone through phases where we have had huge arguments that have almost split us apart. However, we kept on trying because we truly want to spend the future together, and in the end, we always talk through our problems.

As for your friends, I think part of that might have to do with them going through a new transition in life. You mentioned that both of them are dealing with people graduating. A huge change like that can either make or break a couple imo. My So graduating from college has put a ton of stress on our relationship because he is confused about what he wants to do with his life. However, we are still fighting for our relationship. That is just one thing that I think it could be, but like I said, there is no need to compare your relationship with others. The fact that you and your SO never have those huge arguments is something that you should be thankful for. They are not very fun!

One last thing. The one thing certain in your future is that you will make it out ok. Even if you do not end up with Penn, life will move on. If you do make it with Penn, life will move on as well. Just take your relationship one day at a time and enjoy it because we can never predict the future

[Trethsparr]

I could spend all of my time worrying that my boyfriend and I will not make it in the future, but that will not do any good. I would like to say that we will live "happily ever after," but one thing that I have learned is that people change, things happen, and life doesn't always happen the way you want it to. The best that we can do now is to appreciate the time that we have with our SOs. I truly believe that if we are meant to be, then we will be. Even if we do not end up together, that does not mean that it did not happen for a reason. All of the experiences that we go through make us a better person, and an event that may seem to be bad now can have a positive impact later on in life.

Very, very true. Fear for the future can steal our present joy.