Age Differences?

[holdinghands]

HELLO.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I am 16 and my SO is 24. Personally, he says i'm quite mature but i don't know if he's just saying it....but anyway at times he seems to be the least mature one in the relationship And i know my mum will explode when she finds out (here's hoping its not until i'm 21) and he says in Ireland, an adult man going out with a younger girl is REALLY frowned upon. He told his friends i'm 18, and they've seen pictures of me and didn;t question it, so i guess its partially ok....but still. Usually on the internet i get SO much stick for it. And the phrase 'paedophile' is so not appropriate for what this is....it just annoys me that people can instantly resign something as something derogatory without even getting to understand it.

I guess the point of this is.....does anyone else see our age gap as wrong? And is anyone else in a relationship with a considerable age gap? This is a subject that really interests me xD

[BlackCherryJam]

Age differences have been discussed about in here:
https://members.lovingfromadistance....hlight=younger

[holdinghands]

Age differences have been discussed about in here:
https://members.lovingfromadistance....hlight=younger

Thanks....ahaha i feel stupid now

[Bluestars]

I sort of see that thread as different because although there is an age difference, you are a minor and he is an adult. My boyfriend is 4 months and nine months older than me. We met online when he was twenty-three and I was nineteen (he was just about to turn twenty four and I just turned 19). He told me that he wouldn't have even messaged me though if I was 18 because that would be too young--which I completely understand. I do not have a problem with age differences--whatever floats your boat--but your situation is different because you are a minor.

Honestly, I kind of see a 24 year old dating a 16 year old as wrong--because like I said before, you are a minor, so technically it is illegal in the US, although I do not know about elsewhere. I just wonder why a 24 year old would want to date a 16 year old in the first place....(I sound like my mom now lol). I understand that people think you are mature, but honestly that is what all teenagers think--I know that I did.

I have heard of older people who fell for younger people, and I think it is a lot more appropriate when the person waits until the younger person is legal.

However, I do not know your situation, so I am not going to judge your situation. You just asked what others think about it and that is how I feel.

[Zephii]

I just wonder why a 24 year old would want to date a 16 year old in the first place....

This.

[LadyMarchHare]

There is a term that's similar to pedophile that applies here, I forget what it is though.

For a guy to date that young I think says something about his maturity more than yours. He can't relate to girls his age, probably, so a teenager's the next best thing. Plus some guys dig the underage thing. I mean in a way I can understand as I've known my SO since I was 14 and he was 20, but we weren't dating then and were merely friends. Regardless of it being international, it is illegal. Don't mean to rag, I just think the guy may be wrong for you since you did say he's the immature one and I mentioned a possible case that such a thing applies to.

[MoonWatcher]

I've always dated significantly older guys, so I know what it's like to hear "crib-snatcher" whispered to your boyfriend with you standing right there. In other words I get where you're coming from.

However, that is an 8-year age gap. That would not be such a big deal if you were say, 25. But keeping in mind you are 16, even if you have the maturity of a granny the fact that he's 24 really says a lot about him. I had a relationship with a 23 year old when I was 17. And although for us in particular the ages weren't an issue let me tell you - there's a reason he was going way younger. That reason being he wasn't mature enough to get a date with women his own age. He wasn't able to handle problems like an adult. If you have minor problems now (like you said, you feel like the mature one in the relationship sometimes), imagine what they'll be like when you ARE a mature adult and he's still acting like a kid. Just saying, those are things you need to think about if you're in the long haul with this guy.

And also speaking from personal experience, when I was 16 deep down I thought I knew everything. Or at least enough to make the right choice about a guy. Something I wish someone had told me that I didn't fully understand until after was: be VERY cautious about where you place your heart and really listen to what your instincts tell you. I cannot emphasize that enough. Your instincts are there for a reason. If something doesn't feel right, you need to stop and investigate it before continuing the relationship, especially a long-distance one.

[Čternity]

Well my first bf was at 17 and he was 24. He had been married before and was in the police force. I understand what it is like to date someone older when you are still a teenager yourself. It's exciting dating an older guy, I understand that. They seem to know things you don't, have experienced things you haven't and have a confidence that's appealing. They pay you the attention you don't get at home. They treat you as an adult or at least they seem to. They flatter you, make you feel good. They make you feel like it's the two of you against the world, that noone else understands you or your relationship like they do.

Personally, he says i'm quite mature but i don't know if he's just saying it....but anyway at times he seems to be the least mature one in the relationship

yes, these are the same words I used. Do you ever wonder about that? Wonder why sometimes he appears to be the immature one when you are 8 years younger than him?

In terms of 'sexual ethics', regarding him lying about your age. Yes, my bf did this too. Called it our little secret, because it is frowned upon for older men to date teenagers here too. I wanted to seem older and sophisticated so he said he was just doing what I wanted. From what you said it seems to bother you a bit too.

so i guess its partially ok....but still.

Like it started to bother me. Why does he lie about it? He tells me we are special, then he lies. Why is that? Why can't he be honest with his closest friends?

So yes, society and people in general are incredibly dubious about the nature of relationships between teenagers and adults. Generally because teenagers are looking for someone to make sense of their transition to adulthood. Looking for someone to lead the way because it's a confusing time. So yes, listen to those voices in you which raise doubts about things when they happen. Intuition is a valuable gift. Don't ignore it when you wonder about these sorts of issues in your relationship.

The technical term is ephebophilia from what I can see.

[mllebamako]

Like I said in the other forum...this is your life and your relationship.

But honestly...YOU don't seem okay with it. In both forums you ended asking people if they think it's wrong. You aren't comfortable with it and your SO is feeling guilty about it thus lying about your age. That tells you something.

[holdinghands]

I sort of see that thread as different because although there is an age difference, you are a minor and he is an adult. My boyfriend is 4 months and nine months older than me. We met online when he was twenty-three and I was nineteen (he was just about to turn twenty four and I just turned 19). He told me that he wouldn't have even messaged me though if I was 18 because that would be too young--which I completely understand. I do not have a problem with age differences--whatever floats your boat--but your situation is different because you are a minor.

Honestly, I kind of see a 24 year old dating a 16 year old as wrong--because like I said before, you are a minor, so technically it is illegal in the US, although I do not know about elsewhere. I just wonder why a 24 year old would want to date a 16 year old in the first place....(I sound like my mom now lol). I understand that people think you are mature, but honestly that is what all teenagers think--I know that I did.

I have heard of older people who fell for younger people, and I think it is a lot more appropriate when the person waits until the younger person is legal.

However, I do not know your situation, so I am not going to judge your situation. You just asked what others think about it and that is how I feel.

Thanks for your answer I posted in the other thread and explained a lot there
By the way i am TECHNICALLY legal in my country, the legal age is 16.

[holdinghands]

I've always dated significantly older guys, so I know what it's like to hear "crib-snatcher" whispered to your boyfriend with you standing right there. In other words I get where you're coming from.

However, that is an 8-year age gap. That would not be such a big deal if you were say, 25. But keeping in mind you are 16, even if you have the maturity of a granny the fact that he's 24 really says a lot about him. I had a relationship with a 23 year old when I was 17. And although for us in particular the ages weren't an issue let me tell you - there's a reason he was going way younger. That reason being he wasn't mature enough to get a date with women his own age. He wasn't able to handle problems like an adult. If you have minor problems now (like you said, you feel like the mature one in the relationship sometimes), imagine what they'll be like when you ARE a mature adult and he's still acting like a kid. Just saying, those are things you need to think about if you're in the long haul with this guy.

And also speaking from personal experience, when I was 16 deep down I thought I knew everything. Or at least enough to make the right choice about a guy. Something I wish someone had told me that I didn't fully understand until after was: be VERY cautious about where you place your heart and really listen to what your instincts tell you. I cannot emphasize that enough. Your instincts are there for a reason. If something doesn't feel right, you need to stop and investigate it before continuing the relationship, especially a long-distance one.

Ok, i think i need to back track a little bit with the whole 'maturity' thing. He is, in the long run, maturer than me. He's an only child so i think this has kind of increased his maturity....and he's very responsible and he DOES understand that it is frowned upon (not technically illegal here) but we just kinda see it as 'waiting'. And its fully my choice, trust me i could dump him if i wanted to. But thats just the thing, i don't want to. I have evaluated all the information and i think i've made a rational decision. Obviously it is conditional, if he does one thing that makes me unsure about him then that will be it, i won't go out with him anymore.
Thanks for your answer though

[holdinghands]

Well my first bf was at 17 and he was 24. He had been married before and was in the police force. I understand what it is like to date someone older when you are still a teenager yourself. It's exciting dating an older guy, I understand that. They seem to know things you don't, have experienced things you haven't and have a confidence that's appealing. They pay you the attention you don't get at home. They treat you as an adult or at least they seem to. They flatter you, make you feel good. They make you feel like it's the two of you against the world, that noone else understands you or your relationship like they do.

yes, these are the same words I used. Do you ever wonder about that? Wonder why sometimes he appears to be the immature one when you are 8 years younger than him?

In terms of 'sexual ethics', regarding him lying about your age. Yes, my bf did this too. Called it our little secret, because it is frowned upon for older men to date teenagers here too. I wanted to seem older and sophisticated so he said he was just doing what I wanted. From what you said it seems to bother you a bit too. Like it started to bother me. Why does he lie about it? He tells me we are special, then he lies. Why is that? Why can't he be honest with his closest friends?

So yes, society and people in general are incredibly dubious about the nature of relationships between teenagers and adults. Generally because teenagers are looking for someone to make sense of their transition to adulthood. Looking for someone to lead the way because it's a confusing time. So yes, listen to those voices in you which raise doubts about things when they happen. Intuition is a valuable gift. Don't ignore it when you wonder about these sorts of issues in your relationship.

The technical term is ephebophilia from what I can see.

Thanks for your answer
I don't doubt anything really, its not like i'm considering breaking up with him, i was just curious to find other peoples opinion and just test the water.
And i asked him to lie, i didn't lie to my friends about it but he was just gonna tell his friends, and i said he should wait until i'm at least 18, maybe even 19 or 20.

[Silviar]

Like I said in the other forum...this is your life and your relationship.

But honestly...YOU don't seem okay with it. In both forums you ended asking people if they think it's wrong. You aren't comfortable with it and your SO is feeling guilty about it thus lying about your age. That tells you something.

Agreed. It really comes down to how you feel. I mean, if you're happy, enjoy it, but if you feel it's time to break up, then listen to yourself. Only you will know if it's really going to work out.

[Zephii]

The age of consent in my country is 16 as well... Yet legally (at home) you're not an adult until 18. There's a reason for that.

[Ry Ry's girl]

I personally can't say much because when i was 16 i did way worse than date a 24 year old. I dated a 36 year old and after that I moved out with a 24 year old when i was 17 after knowing each other for a few months. Both of those were.. interesting experiences but did not work out at all. They both cheated on me for whatever reason but usually guys that are older dating younger girls just see it as a not very serious thing. Not ALL guys are like that and you both may love each other very much and be able to work out a relationship but from what i've seen and experienced I dont think that it's a very good situation. I always dated guys that were.. significantly older than i was because every guy i met close to my age was very immature and not something i wanted. However i went from dating 30 yr olds to being madly in love with a 19yr old who is older than i am but only by a few months.
I think that you should do what your heart tells you and if you really want to be with this man than do it nobody should tell you differently and if it doesnt work out then it is just another lesson in life.