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I may be entering into an internationally-distanced LDR. Need advice.

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    I may be entering into an internationally-distanced LDR. Need advice.

    Hello,

    I’m brand new here. I’m actually not sure if I should be joining a long-distance relationship website at this early stage, but I figure it can’t hurt. I’m really just hoping for tips, suggestions, advice, etc. I think my message is a bit long, so bear with me.

    Well, let me begin by saying I don’t even know yet if my romantic interest and I are in a relationship. My first thought would be to say no, we’re not. But I’m 100% sure I’d like to see where this goes and become involved in a long-distance relationship. I eagerly await his messages, and when they do come in I read them several times even after I reply. I don’t know if he’s the one, but I know at this point that I’d like to become more romantically involved.

    Okay, here’s the story… About a week ago I met this guy through an online dating website. I live in the states and he lives internationally. Approximately 7200 miles away. I was the one who approached him, and his response to my “are-you-interested” overture was positive. We began to communicate. At this moment in time we’ve exchanged some getting-to-know you e-mails but that’s about it.

    What I don’t know is where to go from here. The exchanging of information has been great, but what next? I’ve read so many dating forums. I’ve even talked to a close relative who also met their significant other on a dating website and just happens to be in a long-distance engagement until the other person finishes school. So much advice and cautions have been tossed my way. What I’m really worried about now is pace. I’ve seen many people say after the first couple of e-mails, the two should be talking. Then after that, arranging to meet.

    This is the reason I’m here. I’ve already been burned a bit by someone in the past and am at a point where I don’t trust my instincts anymore. I was on this same dating website a year or so ago and met another person, just coincidence, who also lived internationally. I don’t hold any grudges against this guy, because I understand he can’t help that he wasn’t as into me as I was to him. But 10 months down the line, we hadn’t talked on the phone nor even discussed our “relationship”. I was the one who kept hinting about talking on the phone, maybe even meeting. But he ignored it and acted like nothing was wrong. Almost a year later when I finally sent him an e-mail and asked him point blank if he wanted to go our separate ways, he took three weeks to tell me he needed to get used to the idea of talking on the phone. Give him time. I ended things after that message. I knew which way the wind was blowing, but I guess I had wanted to hear from his mouth he wanted out, which is why I stuck around so long.

    Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions? I want to bring up the subject with the new guy about using Skype or something to talk, but I’m worried about moving too fast. Also, it seems in all my relationships, I’m the one asking to move things along. And yet when I ask friends if guys still make the first move, majority of people say yes.

    So I suppose my questions are… The pace of this “relationship”. How long should I wait for him to make a move before I do? And if I make a move and suggest talking on the phone and he doesn’t acknowledge it, what do I do?

    Also, if anyone is involved in an international long-distance relationship, I’d love to hear how you managed. How you’re getting along. Have you ever met and how did it come about? Any advice?

    Thank you!

    #2
    First off, welcome to the forum. If there's any place where you can find answers to your concerns, this is it!

    There are people on here who are more seasoned with this kind of thing, and could give you far better advice then I could. But in my opinion, if you just met a week ago, take time simply to get to know this guy. I've been in exactly the same position you are - referring to not trusting your own instincts. In that case, the key is to take is SLOW. Become good friends first. You want to be able to trust him before you give your whole heart to someone, and being friends is the perfect way to do that.

    At this point, I don't think it really matters who makes the first move. The point is not to rush the first move. Don't be afraid of it, but wait for it to come, when it feels right to both of you. If he's a slow mover, you may just have to compromise and wait for him to take the first step, however long it takes. Be patient for now. If you feel he may be interested but isn't making any moves, then later when things are comfortable, try taking it up in conversation. Guys in most cases deal way better with open honesty then with taking hints. Just say "Hey, I'm really interested in you and think you're a great person. Would you want to try and see where this is going to lead?" That opens the door for really good things to happen!

    This is something I have to tell myself a lot: Even if you no longer trust your instincts, don't ignore them. If something doesn't feel right eventually or if you have doubts about him, stop and investigate those feelings. Instincts are there for a reason.

    Above all, go with your heart and your gut. They'll never go against each other when it's the right decision. Best of luck!

    Comment


      #3
      I agree with MoonWatcher. Take things slow to begin with, get to know him more. Rather than going straight to talking with voice, you could try instant messaging like on msn or skype first as a next step, and then from there go to webcam and then voice chatting. And do be open with him. If you're into him, tell him. If he's shy or anything, that'll give him a confidence boost if he likes you and knows you like him. Take your time with the relationship. You don't need to rush meeting neither. Once you know you definitely like him, and he likes you and wants to meet too and it feels right for both of you, that would be a good time. =)

      My relationship is international too. I met my guy 7 years ago on an online game. We've had our ups and downs, but we've come out the other end stronger than ever. We've met once so far, and will be meeting again at christmas. Our age has affected how often we can visit, obviously our parents weren't going to let us go flying off to meet a stranger in a foreign country aged as young as we were when we first met. I'm only 17, but my parents trust me to travel alone now.

      Comment


        #4
        Welcome to LFAD!

        1) Send another email if you're interested, and maybe prod/ask how would he like to proceed form here. He may be shy about doing Skype, or may not even know about it. Believe it or not, many people don't know about Skype.

        2) So, whoever moves the relationship along really just shows who of you is the bolder/more confident one. If you've dated less confident guys in the past and you're sick of it, my honest suggestion is to wait. Wait and see if he says anything, and give yourself a mental time limit. Say a week or two. Or if you don't care, just ask him if he'd like to try Skype. Personally, I got sick of guys who never made the first move so I stopped and just waited. It made my relationship choice infinitely better, and now I'm with the LDR love of my life. The pace, really, is what you're comfortable with. Good luck!


        LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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          #5
          I don't know that you can put an actual time line on things like this. You sort of have to go with the flow, and feel what's right. I can't tell you "well wait two weeks before you ask about talking on the phone". Within that two weeks, you could have never exchanged emails, or you could have exchanged emails multiple times a day. You have to come back in and learn to trust yourself. Don't get caught up in past relationships, but learn from them and live in this one now.

          Like Caity suggested, I think it would be best to first suggest chatting. It was convenient for my SO and I because we both have gmail and it would be like "OH... you're on at the same time as me we should chat for a few minutes" That of course turned into me WAITING for him... haha. Anyways... Just say something like "I think you're really fun to talk to. Do you have MSN or AIM or something so we could chat sometime? That'd be fun I think."

          I'm in an international relationship, but we actually met where he lives. I use gmail phone to call him every once in a while, but mostly we send emails and chat. I love that he's from another country because we alllllways have soooo much to talk about. I'm constantly learning new things. I'll tell him that I love fried ice cream. He'll flip out and say he can't even imagine fried ice cream. haha I love it.

          Good luck!

          Comment


            #6
            Definitely become friends first. That is really important. If you can trust him to be your friend, then you can trust him with your heart.

            Also, I wanted to say be careful because there are some mean people in this world and there is a lot of human trafficking that goes on internationally through online dating sites. If you ever do meet him, see if you can get him to fly to you first and stay with people that you know like your family or close friends while he is there just to be sure. I worry about these sort of things and I just want you to be safe. If you haven't already, watch the movie Taken. This happens more than you think. I keep up with a group of people that help take care of these women and children who are rescued from human trafficking situations and these people are really messed up because of it.

            Comment


              #7
              Welcome

              I was internationally long distance, and now, God willing, my love and I will remain together on one side of the damn ocean. We moved very slowly, but then, there were a lot of other factors and we were just kids.
              I think it's ok to take your time though, and I wouldn't be rushing to meet at all. Your flight is much cheaper if you book 6 months in advance, and it's good to have that extra time to get to know them from arm's length. There are a lot of freaks on the internet.
              I was always the instigator in my relationship, and aside from possible engagement, I probably always will be. I firmly believe that women care more about relationships than men do, so it's only natural that we're the driving force. *shrugs one shoulder*

              I'm with Kelli - make friends first

              While you're just swapping emails it's a great time to ask questions. It's nice to have a bunch of things in writing that you can go back over, rather than just small talk, and believe me, a couple of months is not enough to really truly know someone. Get right in there, and dig around in his mind. As 'friends" it actually seems easier to ask probing questions than as a couple. If you want a bunch of starter questions lemme know. I'm good with questions.

              If you do decide to go long distance the two biggest things you'll deal with are "who moves" and the stupid time difference. You need a fairly flexible life to make the time difference work for you, otherwise it'll just get in your way. So perhaps a book on organization and time management might be your friend.
              Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Zephii View Post
                If you want a bunch of starter questions lemme know. I'm good with questions.
                You should totally take Zephii up on this....lots and lots of good wisdom and solid advice from that one

                Welcome to LFAD-land!

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by FireflyGal View Post
                  You should totally take Zephii up on this....lots and lots of good wisdom and solid advice from that one

                  Welcome to LFAD-land!
                  LMAO, thanks mate This made my evening brighter!
                  Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hello everyone,

                    May I say a big thank you for your thoughts, suggestions and positiveness? I found this website after abandoning another dating advice forum because it seemed to me every time I posted I got a lot of negative responses. But you all have been helpful and nice while being cautionary.

                    To the person that said watch out for human trafficking... Thank you for reminding me of this. I will keep this in mind for certain. I'm an overly-cautious person and safety is always, always in the back of my mind.

                    Zephii, yes! I would love some starter questions. Right at this very moment I'm attempting to sit and write this new guy a response. I'm straining my brain, hoping to think up other questions to ask, but for some reason I'm blanking. Please save me before I ask stupid questions, like white or wheat bread?

                    Thanks again!

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