Dating a person who had been bullied a lot..

[monita1847]

Hi everybody!

I just broke up with a guy who had a lot of these extreme mood changes...before he continuously said how much he loved me, that what we have is so amazing, that he would not leave me..

and today, he was like completely different person, he didnt even know if he loved me!! CRAZY!!
and he had had these mood swings earlier but NOT THAT dramatic..

so i dumped him!!

BUT i know that he was bullied a lot back at school, the guy is now gettin 22 and finishing off university. i know that he said that highschool had been a hell for him..that he started having some friends only at the very end.
and that these "friends" they like hack to his computer and once changed the language in arabic!! and that they add him to gay sex sites..etc etc

like WTF?! what kinda friends would do that?!

it is like, he is not physically attractive at all..really not masculine at all..so he told me once before that he had had only one girlfriend and that he had done so much to her and she had never appreciated him..and once he sent me a video and there was this girl too..and the way she looked at him...i mean, excuse me!! it was like...i donno...when u luv someone u dont look at him like that, it was more like...when u look someone and u consider them moron or sth, u see?? like this despicable look a bit.. so that shocked me a lot!

and that he is so terribly afraid of being cheated upon...

and i remember he had once said he wud like to have a family bef he is 30 because otherwise he wud end up lonely and then his friends WOULD LEAVE HIM BEHIND..

So...what does become of these people who have been loners so long and DESPERATELY search for attention?

I sense a lot of embitterment in him now...

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

[Caitlin2009]

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

ya know im actually very offended and pissed off by that question. me and Denise were both bullied in school and yes we still have some issues from that but we work on them, and ya know what were about as normal as you can get and we love each other as much as we can possibly show!

[garnet]

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

Of course they are. :/ They need a kind, patient, loving partner. Maybe it does take a while to shake off a super rough go of school... but so what? When they find the right person everything will fall into place. Or maybe it wont, and they'll have to work at it, but good grief, most aren't incapable of being in a "normal" relationship.

[Zephii]

Yes they are. I was bullied relentlessly all through school, and I'm more or less fine. (Ok ok, there's the anxiety disorder, and the three odd years I locked myself away from the public... but that's not counted haha)
He could probably really benefit from a councilor.

I don't have enough time to answer proply, gotta get to work.

But I must say, before I run, that dumping a person isn't the way to deal with issues. When you get into a relationship, you're committed, and you try what you can to make it work before you throw in the towel. Relationships are not disposeable, and sometimes you have to ask if you're ready for them. (I'm not saying you're not, coz I don't know you. Just food for thought really!)

Ok, must run! but I'll come back.

[LadyMarchHare]

Being one who was abused, bullied, and harassed throughout my childhood and teen years, I can say yes we're capable of having healthy relationships if our partner is willing to work with us. It takes two to tango and so you can't expect them to just 'get over it' now that they have someone and be normal. Some things scar people for life, make them have hard times dealing with certain situations or touch, and the partner has to realize this and either work with them and help them through these times or realize they don't love that person enough and say "Sorry" and go. monita no offense, but you came off very badly with that post, like just because he can't control himself sometimes and has issues he's not worth your time and he's a freak so you gotta leave him.

[LilSusy]

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

No, as someone who has been bullied throughout high school, i can say that i probably will never be able to have a normal relationship. I think you did the right thing by dumping him. he was only going to drag you down.
I only think it could work if it was somone who was just as damaged as him, then he could have an abnormal relationship.

[Caitlin2009]

No, as someone who has been bullied throughout high school, i can say that i probably will never be able to have a normal relationship. I think you did the right thing by dumping him. he was only going to drag you down.
I only think it could work if it was somone who was just as damaged as him, then he could have an abnormal relationship.

are you for real???? to me this post and that question the original poster posted is uncalled for!!! and it shows the both of yours true colors

[LilSusy]

are you for real???? to me this post and that question the original poster posted is uncalled for!!! and it shows the both of yours true colors

It is my true colour. Like i said, i was bullied and im damaged by it. Ive been in a number of relationships and they never worked plus several friends of me have been bullied and they havent had any luck in their relationships or they have been in abusive ones. Im offended that you say that my post is uncalled for. Its my personal experince.

[LadyMarchHare]

It is my true colour. Like i said, i was bullied and im damaged by it. Ive been in a number of relationships and they never worked plus several friends of me have been bullied and they havent had any luck in their relationships or they have been in abusive ones. Im offended that you say that my post is uncalled for. Its my personal experince.

Have you ever tried getting help for your problems? Counseling or therapy is often very productive or even just reading up on cognitive thinking can help you deal with some issues whether it's self esteem or otherwise. Being a great deal messed up myself, I've found that without help or understanding that, yeah you can't hold a normal relationship, but with them you can or do the best you can so that you guys don't fight all the time, have constant issues, etc. It's not impossible to have a healthy, normal relationship no matter what tragedy's befallen you. It's just a matter of getting the help you need to cope.

[Caitlin2009]

It is my true colour. Like i said, i was bullied and im damaged by it. Ive been in a number of relationships and they never worked plus several friends of me have been bullied and they havent had any luck in their relationships or they have been in abusive ones. Im offended that you say that my post is uncalled for. Its my personal experince.

well saying it was the right thing to dump him because he has issues which is like saying to everybody "hey! if your SO is having a problem dont help them work it out just dump them and let them figure it out" :/ that is really wrong and that alone was uncalled for, if you feel that way about yourself fine but dont encourage people to dump there SO's just because they are having issues in that moment and time! you and the other poster are saying that just because we have been bullied and are having issues were not worthy of love....that is biggest load of crap ive ever heard!!!

[LilSusy]

well saying it was the right thing to dump him because he has issues which is like saying to everybody "hey! if your SO is having a problem dont help them work it out just dump them and let them figure it out" :/ that is really wrong and that alone was uncalled for, if you feel that way about yourself fine but dont encourage people to dump there SO's just because they are having issues in that moment and time! you and the other poster are saying that just because we have been bullied and are having issues were not worthy of love....that is biggest load of crap ive ever heard!!!

It is up to them weather to take my advise or not. Are you honestly saying that you wouldnt suggest to a person that in a situation where leaving their spouse would be the most healthy desision that they shouldnt do it? Obviously you are taking personal offence by this but it is my opinion.

@LMH: I have tried therapy and counseling and its never worked for me. I dont believe i can be in a relationship with someone who hasnt have had the same experince as me, i dont think they can understand. Therapy is a scam as far as im concerned. Always talking about one thing that has no link to my present condition. It is over and done, how is it going to help digging into old wounds?

[Caitlin2009]

It is up to them weather to take my advise or not. Are you honestly saying that you wouldnt suggest to a person that in a situation where leaving their spouse would be the most healthy desision that they shouldnt do it? Obviously you are taking personal offence by this but it is my opinion.

@LMH: I have tried therapy and counseling and its never worked for me. I dont believe i can be in a relationship with someone who hasnt have had the same experince as me, i dont think they can understand. Therapy is a scam as far as im concerned. Always talking about one thing that has no link to my present condition. It is over and done, how is it going to help digging into old wounds?

not when it comes to that i wouldnt! your supposed to support your spouse no matter what, including the bad if everything was always rosey in your relationship it would be pretty damn boring! Unless the person your with is emotionally, mentally, psyically abusive to you and its effecting your health then ok it would be a good idea to end the relationship but your telling people to dump someone if there partner is having one lousy bad day! To me thats wrong and yes i take it personaly because my ex always used to threaten to break up with me if i didnt change my mood to his liking, Denise has never done that to me and we've had a rough couple of weeks especially the last couple of days but we dont break up with each other because of that, your supposed to stick with your partner through the good times and bad, if you leave because they are having a mood then you never really loved them in the first place and they deserve better anyway

[LilSusy]

not when it comes to that i wouldnt! your supposed to support your spouse no matter what, including the bad if everything was always rosey in your relationship it would be pretty damn boring! Unless the person your with is emotionally, mentally, psyically abusive to you and its effecting your health then ok it would be a good idea to end the relationship but your telling people to dump someone if there partner is having one lousy bad day! To me thats wrong and yes i take it personaly because my ex always used to threaten to break up with me if i didnt change my mood to his liking, Denise has never done that to me and we've had a rough couple of weeks especially the last couple of days but we dont break up with each other because of that, your supposed to stick with your partner through the good times and bad, if you leave because they are having a mood then you never really loved them in the first place and they deserve better anyway

I dont know who Denise is but i guess she is your girlfrind?
The point i am trying to make is not "stick with your spouse through good and bad" it is that the OP's boyfrind is damaged and will most likely never be able to function in a relationship and i beleive that she did the right thing by dumping him.
I am suggesting that the OP's relationship is the same as the one you had with your ex, it is bad and it wont change.

[LadyMarchHare]

Caitlin, Susy, chill out guys. Fighting over this issue isn't going to answer the question. Susy has a different PoV that, while some may not agree with, we can't be spitting at each other.

And Susy, not all therapy's a scam, it's just hard finding the right person who understands what needs working on and what's better left unsaid and untouched. But depending on said wound, it is better to 'dig them up' because some may feel they've gotten past it when they haven't. And I want to add, bullying or sexual abuse isn't always the key/sole factor behind making bad decisions relationship-wise. Some people inwardly crave the abuse as masochists, some are just socially defunct for one reason or another. But seeing as how I've come from a long line of abuse and other things that you're saying makes us wholly unable to relate to anyone 'normal', I have to say even my own defunct therapy and psychiatrists/medication I'm doing well. You have to want to get better even if you're not getting outside help. If you just sit back and say "well this is how I am", it's how you'll be. I do still suggest the cognitive thinking research, though. That's something you can do on your own and some of it's helped me. But everyone's different, so what works for me isn't going to work for the rest of the world.

[Caitlin2009]

I dont know who Denise is but i guess she is your girlfrind?
The point i am trying to make is not "stick with your spouse through good and bad" it is that the OP's boyfrind is damaged and will most likely never be able to function in a relationship and i beleive that she did the right thing by dumping him.
I am suggesting that the OP's relationship is the same as the one you had with your ex, it is bad and it wont change.

shes my fiance soon to be wife, and hello!!!! i was bullied, denise was bullied and probably a few people on here were as well, we still carry the scars from it, its something that wont ever go away fully but with the HELP of our spouses we can get by if were having an issue. and how the hell do you know it wont change??? huh? people change all the time with the help of there SO's, i am not the same person as i was a year ago but i still have some issues that creep in from time to time, its normal eventually it will go away but Denise helps me out when im having them and i do the same for her....so your logic and everything you've been saying is BULLSHIT!!! eventually he'll get over what people did to him but he needs help from whoever is gonna be his soulmate in the end, and he can function in a normal relationship if everybody who has been bullied on this board can then so can he!!

Caitlin, Susy, chill out guys. Fighting over this issue isn't going to answer the question. Susy has a different PoV that, while some may not agree with, we can't be spitting at each other.

yeah and i respect that she does but its a hotbutton topic for me, since i have worked so hard at not letting my past interfere with what i have now, if anybody else here can then so can this poor guy