Dating a person who had been bullied a lot..

[LadyMarchHare]

yeah and i respect that she does but its a hotbutton topic for me, since i have worked so hard at not letting my past interfere with what i have now, if anybody else here can then so can this poor guy

Yeah but you're basically screaming. I think taking a time out from the thread is better than getting in trouble because it ruffled your feathers, y'know? Others are gonna discuss the topic and have their say, you don't have to be the lone crusader.

[Caitlin2009]

Yeah but you're basically screaming. I think taking a time out from the thread is better than getting in trouble because it ruffled your feathers, y'know? Others are gonna discuss the topic and have their say, you don't have to be the lone crusader.

eh thats true and maybe i will or at least try and talk more calmly......im blaming my PMS for screaming but hell cant help when something pisses me off especially something like this!

[LilSusy]

yeah and i respect that she does but its a hotbutton topic for me, since i have worked so hard at not letting my past interfere with what i have now, if anybody else here can then so can this poor guy

Everything im saying isnt "bullshit" just because you dont agree with it. Like i keep telling you i was bullied too, so im not just saying this off the top of my head to get a rise out of ya. You said that denise was bullied as well right? so you just proved my point... it can usualy only work if both parties in the relationship have been through the samething or something simular. IMO.

@LMH- your right, spitting at eachother isnt going to help anything LOL. You make intresting points about therapy... and i will have to look into cognitive thinking.

[Caitlin2009]

Everything im saying isnt "bullshit" just because you dont agree with it. Like i keep telling you i was bullied too, so im not just saying this off the top of my head to get a rise out of ya. You said that denise was bullied as well right? so you just proved my point... it can usualy only work if both parties in the relationship have been through the samething or something simular. IMO.

@LMH- your right, spitting at eachother isnt going to help anything LOL. You make intresting points about therapy... and i will have to look into cognitive thinking.

*raises eyebrow* im really not understanding your thinking with that, my ex was bullied as well we didnt work out, just because you were the only one bullied in the past doesnt mean the relationship cant work out with another person who wasent, relationships are work you both have to make it work and if one is having an issue with bullying still then the other should help and work them through it not throw in the towel

[LilSusy]

*raises eyebrow* im really not understanding your thinking with that, my ex was bullied as well we didnt work out, just because you were the only one bullied in the past doesnt mean the relationship cant work out with another person who wasent, relationships are work you both have to make it work and if one is having an issue with bullying still then the other should help and work them through it not throw in the towel

well ofcourse not all relationships are going to work out. so im not saying that anytime 2 people who were bullied get together that there will be a happy ending, im just saying that in order for there to be a possibility of it working they should both be on the same level in that sense... you, have had simular experiances.
and sure relationships take work, but at what point should you cut your losses? how is it fair to yourself to let it drain you dry? theres 2 in a relationship, and its give and take but you still have to look out for yourself... and not get lost in the relationship and lose your indipendence... anyway, im just rambling now. I still think the OP did the right thing.

[squiddie]

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

So, completely ignoring the fight/threadjack above me, I'm gonna answer your question:

Yes. We can. It takes a lot of patience, and time. If you don't feel like you can give that too him, then yes, you did the right thing in breaking up with him. He needs a woman who will be willing to help him get past it. If you are willing to take on the challenge of helping him build confidence and move past his problems in adolescence, then give it a try. But you're going to have to be a very strong person, and be willing to deal with a lot of bitterness, because as I said, these things take time.

There are days when I still reel over some of the crap I got from people in junior high and high school. But it's over. I went to college where no one else from my school was, and I managed to move past it. I know I'm lucky that, at 23, I am pretty much over high school (though I still have my moments); for others I'm sure it was harder. But I've managed to have some pretty damn normal relationships, and successful ones at that.

[Trethsparr]

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

I second Squiddie's sentiment on this topic. People can have vastly different life experiences from others as well as different temperaments, so they'll deal with insecurity and trauma at different paces. My SO and I both experienced extensive bullying in junior high and high school. He's three years older than I am, and in a few ways his rate of healing has differed from mine, but that's okay. Like Squiddie, I don't fault you if it's not a situation you have the resources to work through, for it takes a lot of work, patience, and loving on the other person to make progress. There are good days and bad days. For me, the effort is entirely worth it, and I'm gratified that my SO wants to work through my past issues and hurts with me. There is a lot of healing that comes from a loving relationship, but both parties need to be willing to work on it for it to happen.

In regards to normalcy, though... there is no real "normal." Everyone has their different life experiences and inborn/attained personality traits that contribute to a unique person. "Normal" is just a setting on a washing machine.

[holdinghands]

Are these poeple EVER capable of being fully normal people/partners? :S

I think i can answer this very very easily : the answer is a resounding YES.
I have been bullied since i was 9 years old up until a few months ago when i moved, I have numerous anxiety problems including insomnia and a familial tremor, not to mention i battled with self harm from the age of 12 up until very recently. My SO was bullied at school too, but that doesn't mean we're 'the same', everybody has different experiences and you can't just lump anybody that has an off day as mentally unsound and not worthy of your time. But, by the way your post is worded and the worrying amount of punctuation i doubt you really will see this. And yes, your post DID offend me.

[Zephii]

Wow. I was only gone 6 hours and look at the mess that was made!! (Kidding, smile folks)

Let me try and remember where I was going to go with this before I got distracted by honest labour.

Uhm.. right...
So, whilst bullying is a really horrible thing and can mess people up for life it can be overcome. Pretty much everything can be overcome, in my opinion. You just need to be a strong enough person to say "You know what, shit happens, bad people exist, but I'm better than that, I wont be like that, and I will choose to be happy." Yeah, that's right. Happiness is a choice. Not always the easiest one either. Healing is a choice too. Sometimes people wont be ready to start healing for a very long time, other people can get a grip easier. There are a lot of things that will not work (like therapy) if a person is not ready to start healing. A person has to want help. I know for the "normal' people it might be hard to understand, but sometimes things are so bad you almost enjoy them. It's really hard to describe... but you get so down, you don't want to get up anymore... you know?

He has to be ready to try, and he needs to learn how to recognize when he is being unreasonable. It's not ok for him to lash out randomly, but sometimes it's hard for people with problems not to. When things are bad, we take it out on the person closest to us - the person who is supposed to love us enough to stand there and take it. Is it right? No. But most of us do it to some degree. You have to ask yourself "am I strong enough to deal with this?"

and like Treth said, there's really no such thing as normal. And if there was, it'd be boring! The best you can hope for when it comes to love is something positive that makes both parties better people and gets their fundamental needs met. (Love, socialization, security, all that jazz) You will never find a person who's a blank canvas, someone who's had no negative experiences, has no quirks or doesn't have some kind of physical or mental glitch. There's something wrong with all of us, and if you can't be ready to accept that, you're going to be very lonely.

[Miramaid]

My BF is form a broken home, never had a dad and his mom died when he was 20...He grew up poor and too was bullied in school. And even though he is VERY attractive and masculine, he now has a lot of self esteem issues and too suffers from mood swings and other issues.
But I am not giving up on him! Whatsoever! When you LOVE somebody you love them for good and for bad. ANd yes I believe they can be "normal" people if at least once someone actually treats them right (despite them not knowing how to take it coz they have never been treated right before) and if someone believes in them, they WILL be better and more confident.
You sound very young and you may not be ready to just take that responsibility on you and I do not blame you, but in my particular situation, I am older and I am gonna stick with my man and help him through his difficulties.