Leaving my family to go to live with my boyfriend?

[KiwiLove]

Hello everyone,

Im quite new here and I kindly ask you for your help and advise!!
Im in a LDR since almost 8 months and we have been together since last november 2009...
Hes a Kiwi NZ and im Swiss.
We love us very much and every day seems like a torture and honestly im whiny all the time, could cry every day because of missing him so bad.

My parents didnt like me to be in a relationship with him already when i was in Australia where I met him because they knew I would be very sad and it would be hard to leave for me...

Well the past months being back home I suffered so much and I decided to tell my parents about our plan to get reunited next april...
So, I did tell them and it was the biggest fight we ever had!!!!!!! Maybe you should know, Im an only child and their everything so they are very scared to lose me..
But this what happend seemed to be a real desaster :-(((
Then I wanted to compromise with them to let my boyfriend come to visite me in Switzerland over X-mass but my mother said she doesnt want to have that guy in her house.
Then I said, but I could just go for a holiday and she said you just want to go to him and then you wont come back anymore, well maybe in 2 years without him but with children...
She also said im so innocent and ist stupid to think that a guy from the other sied of the worl is waiting for me. He has already another girl why you are so stupid girl??

Im really at the end. I dont want to lose him, he doesnt want to lose me neither!!
I just dont know what to do anymore...well im going to be 21 next month so they coulndt do anything if I would go to live with him.

What would you do? Could you give me some advise please? Im so desperate..

I really cant live like this, it seems there is no sense in getting up and to know he isnt here...

Oh and I want to say sorry if its difficult to understand my english is getting worse.
And Im also sorry for that very long treat but my feelings just bluster out!!

[lucybelle]

Oh man that's a really nasty situation you're in. I think you need to straight up tell your mom (family, etc) very CALMLY that you love them very dearly and what they said really hurts your feelings. Tell them you didn't plan on falling in love in Australia, it just happened. Say you're caught in a trap because you love both your family and your SO and you don't know what to do. Ask them for advice on what to do, and see what they say. If they say "never see him again" say that that's not an option. Ask them to work WITH you to find a good solution.

I would go ahead and go move in with him. If your family truly loves you (which I'm sure they do), they'll come around in the end. Say you're sorry, but you have to see if this is for you.

[Silviar]

I am going to do as you asked, and tell you what I would do in your situation. My family is very close, but if I had to choose my SO over my family, I would tell them coolly and firmly that it's my decision to date and be with who I wish, I love him, and that while I'd like their support so we could have a good family relationship, if they choose to treat me poorly then I'm not going to stay to have someone treat me like that.

And I'd probably write it in a very calm, collected email because it sounds like your parents have no problems shouting down their opinions while, I suspect, not listening to yours.

If he feels as you do and you both want to be together, then I'd go on holiday to visit him without their 'consent', and then I'd make plans to move over there or move out of my parents place and have him move in with me, whichever country worked better for you both. Sometimes we unfortunately have to grow up and move out a bit faster or sooner than we'd like, but this is the sort of situation that'd be worth it.

That being said, DO NOT let the depression and sadness overwhelm you. It's easy to let it get to you, especially having 8 months apart, but you have to find a way to remain your own solid individual. What if your SO, fate forbid, gets hit by a bus and you can't be with him? You need to be able to live without him and be your own person as well. Some sadness is natural and you're going ot have that. IT shouldn't control your life though any more than your parents should.

[KiwiLove]

Both of you who replied were saying stuff like I do think the same way!
But my parents just dont want to listen to me or even would let me go for a holiday.
I think if someone would ask my mother what I have to do she would say just look for another man you cant love him hes too far away and hes cheating on you anyway...It really sucks!
And i f***ing hate the situation Im in. they try to make me feel guilty..

[Paris]

I'm sorry to hear that your family isn't supportive. You need to tell them that if they love you and want what is best for you then they should accept your bf and your relationship esp if it's what makes YOU happy. I understand being an only child and them not wanting to lose you and have you move away. I hope things work out for you!

[Silviar]

Both of you who replied were saying stuff like I do think the same way!
But my parents just dont want to listen to me or even would let me go for a holiday.
I think if someone would ask my mother what I have to do she would say just look for another man you cant love him hes too far away and hes cheating on you anyway...It really sucks!
And i f***ing hate the situation Im in. they try to make me feel guilty..

It's sad that your mother has such an immature, jaded reaction. A person can live in the same house and cheat on you. I never found those sort of arguments to be logical at all. How do they make you try to feel guilty? For wanting to leave?

[Zephii]

How serious is he about the relationship? Have you spoken to him about the possibility of moving to be with him? Tell him what you're going through and find out if your relationship is ready for a move.
Look into visas and get your practical ground work done. There's likely going to be a lot of paperwork, and you're going to need money. Start with the practical stuff and that might distract you from what your parents think.
You're an adult. They can't actually stop you from going anywhere. They can dump all your stuff out on the highway while you're gone though.

[BlackCherryJam]

Sorry to hear about the hard times you're going through. It's not easy when your parents don't accept your SO. Maybe they will cool down as they get used to the idea that you have a BF on other side of the world. It might also help if you told them something about him. You going there is definitely a subject that you don't want to bring up again soon. Let them think about it first before you talk about again. What you might do is tell little things about him, what does he do and what's he interested about and what you talk about when you're together... Also, if you start doing the practical things, they might notice how serious you are about this. Hope everything's going to be fine!

[KiwiLove]

Before I had to leave him, we talked a lot about how it will go on...
The last night we had spend together we were talking almost all night long about it and I didnt want to start talking about visas and thing like this because I thought its too early since we were only for 4,5 months together at this time...
Then he said im only 20 years old, im young...but then he couldnt carry on becasue he started to cry and said, we will find our way.

After that he said he was thinking about that visa option for unmarried couples like we are because he doesnt want to loose me.

When I had that awful conversation with my parents I called him and told him everything what they said.
I was crying like mad and when i calmed down a little I heard hes also crying.

He told me that he feels so sorry for me and he feels bad because he cant do anything for me..
He said he will wait for me, no matter how long it takes but he doesnt want to come between me and my parents. It hurts him that they think he has other girls because they have no idea how much I love their daughter, he said...
He thinks they might need some time to calm down a bit and to accept their daugthers decision at least.

***Im very happy to have found this website and forum...but my feelings just bluster out every time I post something in here..sorry **