cheating

[Zephii]

Why is everyone so hung up on cheating lately?

But, to answer questions, yes, I have cheated in the past, and I'm a girl. (It's not just the men who do it!)
why did you do it? I was lonely. There were a lot of things missing from the relationship I was in, but I don't believe in giving up on relationships. I'd given my word I would never leave (and I stayed until he released me from that promise) so I did my best to fill in the gaps in the relationship in whatever ways I could. (We're talking intellectually cheating only - but, had the person I'd been cheating with come to my country at any point, I'd have gone physical without a second thought.)

Did you feel ashamed afterward? Mmm, maybe a little bit. I felt guilty, but most of that was fear. I knew what I was doing wrong, but I don't regret it for a second.

Did you tell your partner? He knew. There was no big confession or anything. He knew that I'd cyber random people online, and he knew that at some point it changed and there was only the one person I was flirting with. He knew that person sent me packages in the mail, and we talked on msn non-stop for years and that I'd close the window any time my ex approached the computer. He knew my "mistress's" name (is there a male version of "mistress"?), country, saw photos and even spoke to him on the phone. I think my ex knew that my mistress was playing a part in holding the relationship together, and that's why he never put a stop to it. He was hurt, I know that, but I don't think he considered it cheating.

Did you do it more than once? Yes. But, it was always the same mistress. I guess we had what you could call an emotional affair for several years. (Yes, my mistress knew I was in a relationship. He also knew I could do much better)

How did you expect your partner to react? I always kind of wanted him to fight a bit harder. I wanted him to break up with me or at least hit me. I knew if he finally raised a hand to me I would have the strength and a good reason to break my promise and run away. But as violent as he was around me, he never gave in.

When it comes to cheating within my relationship now, a very happy balanced relationship with my "mistress" , I'm not really concerned. The thing that scares me most is intellectual cheating, and I have in the past worried about the contact Obi has with people on the net, because he's still in contact with ex's/ex bed buddies. It caused me stress for a long time. But, I'm over it now, for the most part. I make sure I'm the very best girlfriend I know how to be, and I go out of my way to see that all his needs, not just the sexual ones, are being met. I check in with him frequently and ask about his level of contentment and if there's anything more I can do for him, or if there's anything he'd like me to change. So far, so good.

When we were LD I took the same approach, to the best of my ability, but I always gave him the option that he could come to me and ASK if he wanted to have sex with another person, and under the right conditions, I would have allowed that. Yes, it'd hurt, but to me trust is more important than monogamy./

Hope this helps

[loveonspeedial]

I cheated on my SO's when I was younger, but I didn't care then and didn't really feel as if those relationships were valid. I would never cheat on my SO now. She's honestly the person I want to spend my life with, no one on this planet is worth messing that up.

[Puramu]

I too have done it, and I am a girl, in my current relationship. And technically, I've cheated in my past relationship to get into this one. Why did I do it? Well I discovered that I have mixed feelings about relationships. I grew up in a single parent household, and I don't know much about relationships. Now I KNEW cheating was wrong, but I guess the other thing is that all my life I've never gotten attention from the opposite sex, but as soon as I get a boyfriend attention comes all around. Now when I define cheating, I've only done online things, nothing physical. Still I do regret the things done, and I had to tell my SO right away. I just can't keep a secret from him. Here's some advice, the person you're cheating with, lose contact with them. Because even if you say stop, it doesn't mean they'll stop. I've cheated three times with the same person, and I finally had to just cut him off from my life. It was hard, and I didn't do it before because he was my friend, but my relationship was most important. I think it's a miracle that my SO is still with me. Of course he's furious when he first finds out, but he calms down with time and tries to improve things.

Right now there's complicated things going on with my best friend, who's a girl. Before my SO said girls in general were ok and he didn't mind, but after that actually happened he felt bad and changed his mind. As hard as it is, I must resist if he says I need to. I'm talking too much, let me stop before I say something stupid.

In a nutshell, cheating is bad. Never do it, you will be filled with worry and regret when you tell your SO. No one should have to go thru that pain of telling their lover that they cheated on them (and I'm not saying DON'T tell them, of course you should). K, I'll stop there.

[Miramaid]

@Puramy, but the thing is that most ppl do NOT tell their BF/GF and may not even feel ashamed or forget about it because they did not say anything so nothing bad happened and their loved one still loves them and all is good.

[Miramaid]

@ Zepii To be honest your answer SHOCKED me a BIG TIME! I do not even know what to say. It not only did not help, but made me even more worried. Sorry

[Miramaid]

@ AquaMan No ofence, but I am afraid of men like you and I am even more afraid to realize taht there are a LOT of them

[Miramaid]

I've met some guys who believe that because they're young and good looking, they're entitled to these women who throw themselves at them for sex even when they have one girl who would kill for them back at the apartment. They don't want to 'waste youth' or something. And I agree, older and uglier people cheat for various reasons whether it's because they have money, their home life isn't good/boring, or they're just assholes who want a quickie with a secretary or hooker. All kinds cheat. Hot piece of ass or no, if he's not sporting a heart of gold in his chest then you can guess he'll consider it, at the very least.

I soooo agree with that!!!

P.S. Smb asked why so many ppl were concerned about cheating lately. Well I can tell with me I am just...trying to weight all pros and cons of even being in LDR. It is like yes I love him to death, but where is the line when a person should not take it even if it is a big love? Where is the line where it is too much and when it gets to a point where if MY PARTNER LOVES ME, he WOULD NOT cheat coz it hurts!!! And no excuses! Is there a line like that or is there not? I am still trying to think about everything. Yes I love him very much, no I WOULD NEVER cheat on him. BUT! I know that he is different and has different boundaries and all, and I am trying to test and see where otehr people stand in that case and why. I am trying to find my own point of view on that.

[garnet]

I guess my question is has ANY OF YOU EVER cheated?

yes, on one person

why did you do it? Did you feel ashamed afterward?

I did it because he stayed out for days at a time, wouldn't answer his phone, slammed doors in my face, threw me on the ground...
I cheated with nothing farther than kissing though, and it lasted about a week.

A few more years passed, and he was living with his girlfriend, and I had an online "thing" ... we never met, and never cybered or anything like that, but I'd still consider it cheating even though he was REALLY cheating.

I would have been ashamed if I slept with someone else. He treated me so badly, and our relationship was such sh*t. I'm not proud, and I should have ended it the first time he hit me, or the first time I spent the night calling police stations and hospitals searching for him. I was young, and I learned from my mistakes.

Did you tell your partner? Did you do it more than once?

I didn't tell, he had violent episodes. As stated above, yes, there were two separate incidences of it.

How did you expect your partner to react?

I think he would have beaten me, and trashed everything I have.


How do you all deal with the thought that cheating is VERY possible esp if your partner is attractive and young and he may really love you and all but physical part of it is physical part of it that not everyone can resist (esp considering the distance)? And of course 99% you will never find out. How do you deal with it? Do you just not think about it? Do you accept it as a fact and move on? Or you you blindly trust your partner and blindly believe that he/she would never do that?

When Rane and I were LD, yes I blindly trusted him. And he blindly trusted me. I knew girls were flirting with him, but we have awesome trust. If we didn't, a LDR wouldn't have worked.

[Dauntedpoet]

I cheated on my husband after 14 years without any kind of affection. It was a 2 day fling that left me feeling empty and sad. I know the right thing to do was to divorced him first, but I didn't have the strength to do it, as I felt completely worthless after years of being rejected. I regret not being stronger, but I also know who I am, and why it happened. I did not tell my husband. I divorced him, and then he admitted he was interested in men.

My SO cheated on an abusive girlfriend he had while we were friends. He did not tell her, and it turned out she had been cheating on him all along.

That said, I do not think cheating is inevitable, not only that but I think if you are in a truly good relationship, one with trust, intimacy, good communication, and love, cheating is highly unlikely to occur.

I have zero doubt that I would ever cheat on Ian, or that he would cheat on me. We both know each others past, flaws, weaknesses and all. The trust is so deep and complete that it defies description. We need each other in a way that makes NOTHING worth the risk of losing the other. There is no person that even holds the slightest appeal to me compared to him, and he says I make him whole, and who he was meant to be.

[Rane]

I guess my question is has ANY OF YOU EVER cheated?

No, I've never cheated, though I've only ever been in the one relationship.

How do you all deal with the thought that cheating is VERY possible esp if your partner is attractive and young and he may really love you and all but physical part of it is physical part of it that not everyone can resist (esp considering the distance)? And of course 99% you will never find out. How do you deal with it? Do you just not think about it? Do you accept it as a fact and move on? Or you you blindly trust your partner and blindly believe that he/she would never do that?

When we were LD, I never thought for a second that Garnet would cheat on me. And as Garnet said in her post, there was one girl in particular who, looking back, was probably flirting with me a whole lot. But I mean, I think if you're sticking it out in a LDR, then you've probably found someone that's far more important than some fling you could have. There's a quote Paul Newman said (I had to look up who said it, but the quote is memorable), "Why go out for hamburgers when I have steak at home?" My work days were just counted down to when I could go home and email/chat with her again.

[Zephii]

@ Zepii To be honest your answer SHOCKED me a BIG TIME! I do not even know what to say. It not only did not help, but made me even more worried. Sorry

Honesty does that mate. Takes all types to make a world.

But, if you treat your partner as well as you can, that's really the best you can do.

Someone else probably already pointed it out, but statistics show that people in LDRs are NOT more likely to cheat than people in CDRs. It's a myth.
You need to talk to this guy and discuss what you both consider to be cheating and why he's done it in the past, etc.