He gets these "paranoia attacks"

[luna_banana]

My SO is a little bit...insecure.

I moved here during my junior year, and was always really lonely because I'm not very good at socializing. Since my senior year started, I've been making a few friends. The only problem is that a lot of these friends are guys. And its really hard to tell whether these guys are legitimate friends or if they are trying to end my relationship so they can date me (this has happened several times). I really try to make female friends, but since I came to my school almost all of the girls have been extremely mean and judgmental, especially for someone as "weird" as me.

The problem is that my SO gets extremely upset whenever I'm around guys. He basically falls into a hole of self-hate, depression and insecurity, which takes hours to pull him back out of. If I'm not texting him constantly, he worries that I'm cheating on him. And he gets these "paranoia attacks", which are (what he describes as) very vivid mental images of something bad happening, coupled with a sort of panic attack.

For example: Last night as a favor I was working as security for a dance party my friend was throwing. I would check restrooms, check emergency exits, etc. My SO got extremely depressed and miserable to talk to, and then when I called him later that night he said he had a "paranoia attack" about one of my guy friends hitting me and then kidnapping me in his car...

I'm pretty sure this isn't normal. However, I really don't know what to do about it. Its almost not even worth it to hang out with people, because his depression makes me feel like crap by the end of the night. But I don't want to become a recluse and destroy my own life just for his mental security. I'm really sick of this. I don't want to be selfish or mean to him (I know he doesn't ask for the paranoia attacks) but I feel like he is crippling me. I want to say "hey, I'm going to a movie with friends, and I won't annoy the people around me by texting you the entire time. Deal with it." But I know that would be horribly selfish and rude.

I really don't know what to do anymore. So I'm hoping you wonderful guys on LFAD could help me out. Any advice? Similar experiences? Thanks guys

P.S. My SO said that "consciously" he trusts me, but unconsciously his "paranoia" makes him afraid. He knows consciously that I would never cheat on him, and that I've never lied to him. Confusing, eh?

[lucybelle]

That's a serious trust issue that he's going to have to get over. I'm a big fan of "you have to be okay with yourself before getting involved with another person". To me, it is fairly evident that he is not yet okay with himself. Has he been cheated on before? Has he been lied to before? If he is actually calling these episodes "panic attacks" he should probably go get some counseling. If you all are in high school, you can ask to speak to a counselor. If you're in college, there are always free counseling centers for students (just have to make appointments).

Tell him you want to help him through this. Be there for him. But if he refuses to get help, you might have to think of another route to go. Perhaps other posters would have another idea. I don't like being around people who bring me down. If he is making you more hurt than he is happy, I think you need to seriously think about the relationship and where it's going.

Good luck.

[London-FortCollins]

Goodness hun. That is a really difficult situation.

I think Lucybelle is right. Your SO does have a number of trust issues. Whether it stems from past relationship issues, or something deeper set in his past - it is something that needs to be addressed.

If it is so serious that he has very realistic images/scenarios and panic attacks it definitely needs to be addressed by someone qualified to do so.

And you can be there for him through it. Be supportive but at the same time I think it would be impractical (and unhealthy for you) for you to stop seeing other friends and ultimately wont help his trust issues in the long run.

As long as he is prepared to try and begin to work through the issues I think you'll be ok. It'll probably be a long process and it may be difficult but if he's willing to try, and your willing and able to support him then I think you'll be ok.

However if he isn't at all prepared to try and expects or wants you to be the one to "fix" it by continually reassuring him...you may want to rethink a bit. Its not fair on a relationship to have one person being the one to make sacrifices and fix the problems all the time.

Best of luck sweetie, I hope it works out for you.

[Bluestars]

This is not normal. If I were you, I would encourage my SO to seek professional help. Just a guess, but maybe it could be OCD? I only say that because he knows that it is irrational yet he can't stop focusing on it for large amounts of time. That seems somewhat similar to a description my aunt who has OCD has described it as. That may not even be it, but it would be up to a therapist/ psychologist to decide.

But I do not think there is anything that YOU can do to make him better. It sounds as though he has a problem that he is going to have to get sorted out or it will be very hard for him to be in a relationship. Even if you love this boy, what you described is not healthy, and you not hanging out with friends will only perpetuate the problem and only make you unhappy.

[Caitlin2009]

i get like this from time to time, im not as bad as i used to be but occasionally i still having those little thoughts and i get worried, but me and Denise talk(sometimes argue) about it until we feel better! Just keep reassuring him and talking him out of it, and times verbally kick his butt to get him out of it Denise has to do this to me sometimes to get me out of a funk and it works

[Miramaid]

I am in the same exact situation, but with a man who is 30. And my man doesnt even pick up and gets mad and his paranoia gets to a point where he can say "Do whatever you want. I am gonna call such and such (some girl) and go to a bar with her then"
I completely understand you. At the same time if he goes out he wants me to accept it and be happy for him. it is HARD and I have no idea at all what to do. I am with you and I too need advice

[LadyMarchHare]

The others are right in encouraging him to seek professional help. He may just need therapy to work out how to stop these thoughts and work through the panic attacks as well, but all the same I think at this level it's he gets help or you have to give him space by saying goodbye because that could and can turn abusive. In a way it's already abusive because you're feeling like you can't have guy friends, you can't do this or your SO goes bonkers, etc. That's controlling behavior on his end without him lifting a pinky.

I get 'paranoia attacks' myself, but they entail my SO's well-being if I don't hear from him for a while sometimes, never if he's out with a girl or cheating or somesuch. Then again, I don't have the trust issues your guy does and as it's stressed so many times here, you can't have a relationship without trust. If he can't trust you, then what's the point of being together? You'd just be fighting all of the time or wearing yourself out reassuring him that you're not touching another guy's nose or something. It's why he NEEDS to seek help for this relationship to work out. Beg, plead, promise to give him a puppy for Christmas, do anything you can to encourage he seek it out and keep with it for the both of you.

[luna_banana]

He went to therapy twice last month, but he had to seriously beg his parents for them to do that. Now they won't take him to go anymore, since it isn't covered by their insurance. Also, I know his school system really well, since I went there for 3 years...its an independent school district, run almost like a private school. The counselors there are awful, and its one of those small "everybody knows everybody" schools. I've suggested he see one of the counselors there, but I wasn't at all surprised when he said he wouldn't be comfortable doing that. If i was in his position, the school counselor is the last place I'd go

[LadyMarchHare]

He went to therapy twice last month, but he had to seriously beg his parents for them to do that. Now they won't take him to go anymore, since it isn't covered by their insurance. Also, I know his school system really well, since I went there for 3 years...its an independent school district, run almost like a private school. The counselors there are awful, and its one of those small "everybody knows everybody" schools. I've suggested he see one of the counselors there, but I wasn't at all surprised when he said he wouldn't be comfortable doing that. If i was in his position, the school counselor is the last place I'd go

Then the parents need to find a therapist who will take their insurance. Even me with the stupid medicare, there are therapists willing to take it and see me. They need to call the insurance company and ask for a list or go to a doctor and ask them for one, it really isn't that hard. It's either they don't see the severity of their son's condition or they're ignorant enough to believe it's a phase or he's doing it for attention. I had to go through the same song and dance with my mom, but either you or he need to sit them down and explain the condition, the situation it's putting you BOTH in, and what can be done to help. If not, there are hotlines to call to just talk so that would be a last-ditch effort option there.

[luna_banana]

And he has never been cheated on. However, I am his first girlfriend and he is a little "obsessed" (for lack of a better word). About a year ago I was considering leaving him for another guy, because we were having some issues in our relationship. However, I never cheated, and I also told my SO about EVERYTHING that was going on. Even though I was honest, it was his first real heartbreak, to realize that I could possibly have feelings for someone else. I think this helped to start the paranoia, especially since a lot of his "paranoia attacks" revolve around that guy.

[Caitlin2009]

honestly i wish people would stop recommending people go to therapy to solve there problems, that is not always the answer!!! You can solve it yourself with your SO's help just fine without it. And he can do it if he wants to, he's just gotta kick himself in the butt when he starts thinking like that, but its a little frustrating to see people always say someone should go to therapy if they are having an issue! You can work things out on your own, yeah its hard but you eventually work it out yourself, i still have my own issues but im not that bad as i used to be

[LadyMarchHare]

honestly i wish people would stop recommending people go to therapy to solve there problems, that is not always the answer!!! You can solve it yourself with your SO's help just fine without it. And he can do it if he wants to, he's just gotta kick himself in the butt when he starts thinking like that, but its a little frustrating to see people always say someone should go to therapy if they are having an issue! You can work things out on your own, yeah its hard but you eventually work it out yourself, i still have my own issues but im not that bad as i used to be

I only recommend it because it helped me when I had no one and it helps me when my SO isn't there. It can only help so much but it's better than crying in a corner on your own when there's no one to listen or understand. If you don't like me saying it, then don't read my posts Caitlin as I tell plenty of others with psychological problems to do the same thing.

[Bluestars]

honestly i wish people would stop recommending people go to therapy to solve there problems, that is not always the answer!!! You can solve it yourself with your SO's help just fine without it. And he can do it if he wants to, he's just gotta kick himself in the butt when he starts thinking like that, but its a little frustrating to see people always say someone should go to therapy if they are having an issue! You can work things out on your own, yeah its hard but you eventually work it out yourself, i still have my own issues but im not that bad as i used to be

She asked for advice, and just because you do not agree with other people's point of view does not make their advice any less valid. The description of the original poster's boyfriend gave many red flags. Sometimes the problem is not as easy as "kicking it in the butt." If it was, then I am sure that her boyfriend would have stopped by now because who wants to worry about things like that? Sometimes, people cannot control the thoughts in their head, and yes, therapy can help. For all you know, the boy could have a psychological problem, and those can be very difficult for a person to overcome on his or her own. I know from experience that it can help, so just because it is not for you does not mean that it will not benefit others.

[Dauntedpoet]

Panic attacks can cause all kinds of bizarre thinking, especially around people you love when the thought of losing them would destroy you. Shortly after my son was born, the panic attacks I had suffered from intermittently since college morphed into horrific visualizations of my crashing the car and killing him, or his being stolen from me in a store, etc. These thoughts\visualizations were so incredibly real that I often had to pull the car over to make sure I hadn't hit anything. I HAD to see a therapist to understand it was my original panic attacks returning with different symptoms! Once my therapist explained how that can happen, I was able to easily overcome them!

[Prophecy]

Wow, I just had a flashback to one of my LDRs.

I was with a guy named Jacob for six months. During this time, if I wasn't playing games with him or talking to him the entire time I was awake, he was paranoid and worried.

Most of my friends, with the exception of one, are male. I'm not very social in the sense that I don't make friends easily, so I hold onto the people I care about. This generated alot of tension, especially one night, when I went out with my long time ex-boyfriend and a large group of friends. He completely flipped out - he went silent and moody on the phone and said I had "hurt him." I was flabbergast at this. The night escalated - I was suppose to go see a movie ("21" infact) and then IHOP. During the movie, I was texting him (which I felt was rude to the people around me) because he was losing his marbles. He started threatening suicide and said life wasn't worth living. I had to leave the movie half-way through because I was so upset.

Eventually, he asked me to stop seeing certain people because he said they wanted our relationship (Jake and I's) to end. So I did, but was horribly lonely as a result. Whenever I brought up seeing friends, he got moody and irritable followed by depressed and anxious, and he always blamed me, indirectly. I felt horrible, and secretly I felt trapped. I would spend hours with him, trying to talk him out of his depression, which would subsequently make me feel depressed. I spent many nights upset at my desk or crying myself to sleep.

I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to love him, but he wouldn't allow me to be myself and be free.

Eventually the relationship ended after he accused me of cheating on him when I texted him to let him know that I was botting my ex-boyfriend's MMO account for him. I was stunned and hurt. Days later he came to me, apparently suicidal over "losing me" and he wanted me back. I couldn't take it anymore though - my emotions and heart couldn't take it anymore.

The tl;dr of that is that is an issue with your SO, not you. You should be able to be free and have friends. Loving someone is about letting them make their own choices and have freedom. Never forget that.