starting to bicker over little things

[Vtoria]

So about 5 months I met this amazing man who almost instantly swept me off my feet! The only downfall was that he lived about 75 miles away from me but in a few weeks we both realized that what we were feeling towards one another was worth every mile! We began commuting back and forth, one weekend I travel to see him and the next weekend, he comes to see me. As time went on, he communicated to me all of his past disappointments in relationships; specifically his ex-wife. She apparently had some disturbing mental issues that ultimately gave him full-time custody of his two little children and gave her enough spare time to taunt him with threats of loosing him job. With that being said, I am also a single parent with 3 children: 16, 13 & 6. So as you can see we automatically began having some minor hurdles to climb over.

My major mistake that was completely intentional and honestly harmless, was one evening, I took my son driving with my LDBF in the car and we drove past my exbf apartment. I failed to tell my LDBF that he lived there and one day it just came out and he put two and two together and became furious with me. I felt horrible and still till this day he bring that up. He feels completely uncomfortable that I live so close to him and anything that he can not reach me he automatically thinks I am visiting him! Now due to his past experiences, he has some major fears that I am going to deceive him, lie to him, cheat on him almost every day. He questions anything that seems out of the ordinary to him. Now, I understand his past and his pain but to add a little more information to this story, he is in a law enforcement position where they are all trained to question everyones motive. But I honestly don't ever think about anyone else or have any desire to see anyone but him. It also doesn't help that I work for a utility company and I am constantly around men, he now fears that I am going to take advantage of my endless supply of men here and hook up with one of them but seriously WTH! I don't want to loose this man and our special connection because I know that he is worth everything, every tear fallen, pain felt in my heart, and frustration because our unconditional love outweighs these emotions.

Now when we are together, everything is magical! We hardly ever argue or fuss about anything. It is as though the world stands still for us and we are able to embrace each others love without any doubts. But lately the moment he questions my intentions I automatically become defensive and then my sarcasm kicks in and then he becomes rude and arrogant and then our argument turns into a yelling match. It is a vicious cycle that I want to end but I don't know how. He's already explained to me that it is very difficult for him to completely trust anyone and he has the mentality that he needs to be one step ahead of everyones thinking. He told me last night that he doesn't want to be caught off guard and does not want to be played for a fool! BUT I am not playing him or anyone! I don't have time for games and I am sincerely in love with this man, if I wasn't I would have left a long time ago!!

What are we to do? I even looked up our astrology signs yesterday (yes I am desperate) and it states that he is fire and I am water. Our signs the majority of time don't blend well but I believe anything is possible. I don't want this to come to an end!

HELP!! please

[gh0stfl0wers]

Trust is something vital in an LDR. If he can't trust you, it's not going to work out and you're going to have these arguments as long as you are together. Although you've probably done this many times, explain to him that you have to intention to cheat on him, that you are loyal and trustworthy. Tell him that if he doesn't work on his trust issues, your relationship cannot work.

[Vtoria]

yes, I have told him several times but it he just can't let go of his past experiences.

[gh0stfl0wers]

As harsh as it may sound, a relationship can't last like that (at least not in a good way, you could always stay with him but you wouldn't be happy). If I were in that situation, I'd say: either he has to work on it and make it better, or it just can't be. I could never be happy in that kind of relationship.

[Vtoria]

he told me last night that he was going to try to work on his reactions because they come off pretty harsh and accusing. I love this man so much and this really hurts that we are experiencing this issue.

[Micah]

Maybe he isn't ready for a relationship because he hasn't gotten over his past problems with relationships. It sounds like he has his own issues to resolve and they aren't really your problem, since from your post it looks like you adore him and aren't interested in other people. If you haven't given him a reason not to trust you, there is no reason why he shouldn't. You've done your part... you can't make someone trust you, they have to want to.
Oh, and my SO is in law enforcement and he has never acted that way toward me, ever! He trusts me and doesn't look for hidden motives. He leaves his investigative nature at work. That just isn't fair to you because you are constantly having to explain yourself when you have done nothing wrong. I would get very defensive in your situation as well.

[Vtoria]

thanks! I don't want anyone else and all I want to do is make him happy..I want to be everything he is looking for in a relationship. He claims that I have but fear in his mind because I drove by my exbf place months ago that I honestly could careless about him! There is a reason why he is in my past. Is there anything I can do to help him? To help us survive?

[TknandLvnIt]

I agree with you my SO and I have arguments about little things as well...but to me this sounds like a pretty big issue. Trust is a major component in any relationship and if you don't have that you don't have the basis for much of anything else. Relationships are about allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable knowing that in the end you could be hurt...He has to learn that he can't keep blaming others for the mistakes that women made in the past. You are not them and should not have to suffer because of the hurts that he has had in the past. As his SO i feel that you should understand and work with him to get over those issues but he also has to be a part of that change and actually recognize it as an issue. My SO was cheated on and can be very jealous and insecure as a result....so i understand where you are coming from completely. Maybe he just needs to hear you say why you love him and would never even consider talking to anyone else or maybe you need to give him a gesture that shows that you recognize his fears and are putting effort into making sure that you are not feeding into them. It sounds like he truly makes you happy and love that is true is worth fighting for...so do whatever it takes to help him see that he can and should trust you and vice versa and I'm sure your relationship will be just fine.

[TknandLvnIt]

Maybe just tell him about why you broke up with him...and reassure him that there is a reason why he is in your past...He may not be ready to let go of all of the trust issues that he has but he can start one thing at a time. I know this is corny but maybe just do something silly like blindfold him and see if he will trust you to lead him and not cause him to come into harms way...if he can trust you with his well being then maybe he will understand better when you tell him he can trust you emotionally too.

[Vtoria]

You are right! Relationships are about allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable and he has explained to me that he needs assurance almost everyday and I've been trying to send him text messages, emails. This is easy for me because I sincerely feel it all the time. I don't want him to have this doubt in his mind because of his past experiences. I've told him several times that I am not his past and I want to be his future. I wish that I could eliminate these fears.

[Vtoria]

I have reassured him several times but yet again his ex-wife cheated on him with her ex-husband and said that exact same words. But I like that blindfolding suggestion!! That might help thanks!

[TknandLvnIt]

I think its partially your job to try and help dispel them but whether or not he wants to actually get over them is up to him. You can't make him...he has to see it as an issue that could possibly damage a relationship with someone that he loves and want to do something about it. But actions speak louder than words so introduce him to your ex or kiss him in front of someone you know whatever it takes for him to know that your relationship with him is more important than what your ex might think about it.

[TknandLvnIt]

You are welcome :-) I hope it helps. You are not his ex-wife so why should you have to deal with issues he had with her. Its not fair for you to pay for her mistakes. But try it out and see if it helps

[LadyMarchHare]

I think its partially your job to try and help dispel them but whether or not he wants to actually get over them is up to him. You can't make him...he has to see it as an issue that could possibly damage a relationship with someone that he loves and want to do something about it. But actions speak louder than words so introduce him to your ex or kiss him in front of someone you know whatever it takes for him to know that your relationship with him is more important than what your ex might think about it.

To minorly counter, it's actually no one's job in a relationship to do such a thing. Some people choose to, others tell the SO to work it out themselves. It's never an obligation just because you're dating them to work out their past trust issues because you weren't there in their past, you're the present and hopefully the future. Not saying you SHOULDN'T help them out, because that's what love's about, but I wanted to clarify there is no 'job' in a relationship.

[Vtoria]

thank you both! I am a strong believer that your past is an illusion and if it wasn't created out of love that it doesn't exist at all. I don't reflect on my past at all and believe me if I stated thinking about all the wrong everyone has done to me then I'd probably hide in a box all day long in a fetal position but I chose not too because that is how I programed my brain so yes, I struggle with someone who has the complete opposite theory but I will not judge. All I want to do is help him through these difficult fears that has built up over the past 5-7 years. Not just for selfish reason but for him to see this world in a more positive light. He is a good hearted person and I know that he means no harm but just doesn't know how to overcome his fears. I want to help but just don't know how without hurting his pride.

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world" "Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here."