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    #1

    Communication

    Anyone ever had difficulties with communication? Right now, D and I have been in a slump I guess you would call it. We have been trying to climb out of it but then we slide back down = (

    I notice though that when we are having difficulties, D throws a fit like a toddler, signs off yahoo and stops talking to me. He has even hung the phone up on me once after he went on and on about his feelings towards something but then when I was trying to respond he got all mad and hung the phone up.

    I tend to get upset fairly easily which I can show in my tone of voice and sometimes I say stuff the wrong way whether I'm too blunt or use the wrong words (it happens with other relationships too..)

    I get so frustrated though because I do allow him to cool off but then nothing is revisited and when I try to bring it up again (like tonight) he throws his tantrum. Tonight, I was asking him what happened to the being open and honest and he responded by saying that was gone when I sought out someone to get information about him. This I did not do. The only thing I can think of is when I emailed someone off his fb friend's list and asked her how she knew him. That set him off... But the way he phrased it, it sounded like I was asking detailed questions about him. He then got pissed when I said I don't remember this. I told him he was making mountains out of molehills.

    Background: He was cheated on during his marriage. It left quite a scar on him. I also have trust issues that I have been successfully working through but this situation that is happening now is not helping my trust issues to go away. He also has never really dated. He married his wife at 18 and they just got divorced 18 years later.... We have been together 10 months.

    I just don't know what else I can do? Maybe I'm in the wrong partially. If so, how? Can I help him? How? How can this be repaired? = ( Thanks for reading!
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    #2
    From what you have described, I think that your boyfriend is a little immature (in the way that he acts when you guys are having trouble). When we first started dating, my SO used to act somewhat immature when we had fights as well, but now it is not as bad because I told him that it was not acceptable behavior. That is what I would do if I were you. Tell him that you get your feelings hurt when he acts like that when you are trying to discuss things. Tell him that it is not acceptable behavior and that you are willing to work on it with him. Hopefully he will get the picture. That is not the way an adult should handle things like that.

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      #3
      I COMPLETELY agree bluestars and you are right. I need to say that to him. Him and I are both very head strong, determined, and stubborn. There was a time when I told him to stop being so childish (when he blocked me on facebook....yea....) and he hasn't done it since no matter what kind of tiff we are in. You are right, I need to tell him like it is......I hope he listens like he has in the past...

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        #4
        Do you ever use webcams? If you are finding that even the phone is giving you problems, maybe it's time to do 'face to face'. There are many inexpensive ones around.

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          #5
          His responses are very immature and yes i think that a conversation is in order. Talk about better ways to communicate when you are upset. I shut down when im upset and my SO wants to talk right away because he hates upsetting me. We came up with a rule that no matter how upset I am if he asks me why I'm upset and thirty minutes has passed we have to have a conversation about y so that he is not beating himself up or trying to figure out why. Everyone has different communication styles and even though his seems completely irrational it may be that he just doesn't know how to express himself any other way. It really helps for me if I write down what I'm thinking and feeling and why I'm upset as well as solutions...not just emotions so we can talk. Communication is something that is worked at...so I say tell him how you are feeling how his reactions make you feel and how you would prefer he reacted. My SO does the same thing to me sometimes when he is really upset. I remember when I first visited him and he stormed out and said he didn't ask for this Sh** because he was so upset with me....but after that I asked if he wanted me to leave and he said that was last thing he wanted and we were able to have a conversation. I told him that I didn't like the way reacted because it made me feel like he didn't value my feelings or why I was upset in the first place and didn't care about us...He hasn't done it again. So try it and find out lack of trust in past relationships is no reason why he shouldn't trust you.

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            #6
            Originally posted by Čternity View Post
            Do you ever use webcams? If you are finding that even the phone is giving you problems, maybe it's time to do 'face to face'. There are many inexpensive ones around.
            We did this past summer. I brought this up to him last week but then he blew things up out of proportion (mountain out of a molehill) plus he was leaving for a job interview in another state. I agree that webcams need to be used. I'll try again with him after he's cooled off....or whatever.

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              #7
              Ah man, I feel for you as there is nothing worse than fighting when your apart. In a way fighting seems so much easier because times are stressful and your not talking face to face. Its so easy to hang up the phone or turn off a chat on the computer. Thats the easy way to do things. I think thats why some LDR's can result in fighting because people pluck up the courage to say things when they are not with them.

              Me and my SO try not to fight, because it makes us even more miserable, therefore we write down the things that are bothering us, and instead of speaking about them over the phone we save them for when we are together. For example: Last year when he went back to visit his family, Sometimes when he went out with his friends he forgot to text me on a night. This annoyed me as it was a pattern and I always knew that when he was out I wouldnt expect a text. I was going to bring it up with him but knew that it might cause a fight, the last thing I wanted. So I wrote it down and talked to him when he arrived back, and we came up with a solution, if either of us knew we was out with friends or family or what ever, we would text before we leave so we dont have to worry about it. And this year has been fine.

              Obviously if your not seeing him for a while then its a long time to bottle up and write things down, but if your seeing him within a couple of months maybe its a thought. It sounds as though he doesnt like criticism or confrontation, so he takes the easy way out and hangs up. Be the better person if you can and he wont be able to run from it when your sat in the living room discussing it =)

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                #8
                I have to say that I feel for you. Communication is a big part of an LDR. I agree with what bluestars has said. She said it pretty well.

                I really hope you can work things out

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by mustangapril View Post
                  We did this past summer. I brought this up to him last week but then he blew things up out of proportion (mountain out of a molehill) plus he was leaving for a job interview in another state. I agree that webcams need to be used. I'll try again with him after he's cooled off....or whatever.
                  Why does he get upset when you suggest a webcam? That makes me really wonder.

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                    #10
                    Originally posted by agentholli View Post
                    Why does he get upset when you suggest a webcam? That makes me really wonder.
                    agreed

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                      #11
                      Webcams are the best! sometimes you cant tell if a person is being sarcastic or making a joke or arguing with you by jst text,msn, or EVEN fonecalls
                      its amazing to see the person you love on webcam, beacause facial expecions add alot to the conversation.

                      Talk about the communitation difficulties and see if you can figure out a time or date to make time for eachother to talk

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                        #12
                        Originally posted by agentholli View Post
                        Why does he get upset when you suggest a webcam? That makes me really wonder.
                        oh no...that wasn't the reason. What happened was that I had suggested that but then in the next breath as we were chatting about some other things and I said something about some plans he had made and he blew it up out of proportion accusing me of calling him a bad dad (which I did not do). He is going back east over Thanksgiving and I was curious as to why and asked if his kids were going. He said it was just him and then said he had a job interview and going to see an old friend so I questioned it by saying "I would think you would want to stay at home to be with your family over Thanksgiving."

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