I had no idea where to put this...so move it if needed.
Sigh....I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure if I'm searching for advice, or just support. Maybe both? This is gonna be a longggg thread, just a warning.
So. Saturday I made a mistake.(what's new..I always seem to be good at that). I asked him about who he was talking to and what they said, that's not a problem because we both usually do that to each other..but things didn't add up right, so I logged onto his skype(telling him as I was doing it that I was going to). He kinda seemed irritated with me and then it caused a huge fight because I found out he wasn't telling the whole truth(it was nothing MAJOR, but he still wasn't telling me everything) At first, I was calm about it and was rationally discussing it with him when he started yelling at me telling me how I don't trust him etc. and I just said, well I proved that you weren't telling the truth, so..but he continued to yell and interrupt me when I was talking, I hung up on him and said I wasn't going to put up with him treating me like that. We went back and forth about it I guess and I said, maybe we should just be done, yup I'm done.(I really wasn't..) I tend to say "I'm done" A LOT when I get mad at him, which is just ridiculous. I'm so stupid for doing that. This argument caused us to argue over some so small and stupid as well, so it was like all at once, lets make a day we planned to be great, turn to hell. And we were successful.
I tried to reassure him that I do trust him and that I love him with everything I have, but he wasn't having it. He just kept saying how I don't trust him etc. He said we needed "time" to think about things..I was like fine. difficult to do, but I'll try. He said that we could sleep on everything and talk about it Sunday when he got off work...so Sunday came, he got off work, he did online training, and whatever else he did and stayed up until like 4am(when he complains when I ask him to stay up and spend time with me because he's tired so that kinda hurt) Needless to say, he didn't get much time to "think" so we didn't really talk on Sunday. I'm not going to go day by day how things have gone, but we've just not really talked much since Saturday. We've talked a little, but not much at all. We haven't been so much as arguing now, we've gotten past that, but...
He says he "doesn't know" anything anymore. He loves me, he wants to be with me, but he says I need to prove that I can trust him before he will get back into a relationship with me. In other words, he wants to take things slow...and that's fine and understandable. But, the biggest problem I'm having is I feel like I'm getting mixed signals off him. He says things like "I want to be with you" but follows it with "we can't be together" and "I'm confused, I don't know anymore" sigh... I asked him if he wanted me to change my profile pictures and quit posting "I love you" and "I miss you" etc on my statues and if he wanted me to change my relationship status on Facebook to single. He practically said "I'm in a lose lose situation here aren't I?" that....crushed me. what was that supposed to mean? So I asked, and he said that if he said yes, my family would hate him and disapprove of our relationship even more than they already do and he would get people bitching at him on Skype and YIM. On Tuesday, we played a game together, we laughed little, well I laughed a little idk about him because we weren't on mic with each other. After we finished the game, we both said good game, then he said "I enjoyed that ty" then he said "we can play more tomorrow I have less to do" I responded with okay I don't have anything to do either. But tomorrow came and went and we didn't get to play another game due to his computer problems. I've been trying to leave him nice things and tell him things that will put a smile on his face and brighten his day, but I feel like I am failing miserably, anyway.. Let me take a step back a minute and show you a brief conversation between us:
Me: hey can i ask you something/
Him: ok
Me: when are you the happiest? and what makes you happy?
Him: when we are happy
Me: wasnt expecting that response..thanks
Him: i am happy when i play poker too becuase i like poker too
Him: lol i was joking
Him: i am happiest when we are together heather
Him: im happy wen we can have a laugh and make love and be like we was
Him: i want us to be back to the way we always wanted to be
Him: have u gone offline?
Me: of course not
Him: i am happy when we are happy heather
Me: me too Jason.
Me: I can only ever be truly happy when we are happy together.
Me: I almost want to hate myself for ruining this.
I can't even describe to you what that did to me. I was happy but it felt like a slap in the face at the same time. I wasn't expecting him to say those things.....
(Sorry if I'm repeating myself)
We talked on facebook, that same day. I get a sense that he cares, and I know he does, but I get those mixed signals every time. I tell him over and over again I want to work it out I don't want to continue to be like this and he says "I want to work it out too but its going to take time, we will be fine" (that's what he says a lot, 'we will be fine'). He told me that he's afraid to be in a relationship in general because of the whole feeling he isn't trusted thing. He wants to be with me, but he is unsure if I can trust him the way he wants me to. He says he wants me to trust him and he wants us to be back to the way we used to be. He says it upsets him to think that I want to change my relationship status on facebook to single,(which i don't want to do) he says we will be okay.
So basically it comes down to this.
I don't know what to think. Saturday/Sunday/Monday all I did was cry when I talked to him because it hurt me so bad.
I tell him I love him and I miss him and I wish it was back to the way it used to be.
I read our old conversations and it makes me sad because I realize, this guy is freaking amazing, he's the best dang thing that's ever happened to me, he treats me SOOOOO well(he's as close to perfect as they come) yet I do this, and ruin it all? What the hell is wrong with me?
I've told him this and it's soo true.. he makes me weak, because even though we're not good right now, I still love and miss him and care loads for him. I think about him constantly I want nothing in this world but him. I think about him constantly and when I try not to think about him, I manage to think about him anyway.
I am not happy without him.
But at the same time feeling all that...I don't want to portray a relationship that I am not in. I have these pictures up, I have these statuses up, my facebook says I am in a relationship with him but I'm not.. I want it to be there, I wanna be his again, but I'm not. Ughhh, it's driving me insane...
One last thing before I finally post this.
I told him about his birthday present, I didn't tell him exactly what it is, but I've been working soo hard on it, for hours and hours(like 5 really) and it's not even finished yet, but I'm afraid to give it to him because it kind of has something to do with "marriage" and we're not together, but he says he still wants it.
I have had hardly any sleep, I've been up since 4am Wednesday morning and it's just past 3am Thursday morning. I can hardly eat, I feel sick and for the first time in my life I think I'm suffering from anxiety attacks, usually when I get upset or when I talk to him and I anticipate something. I'm not sure they are indeed anxiety attacks, but I kind of googled it and came up with that.
I don't really know what else to say other than, this is killing me. Anything is welcome here, I just needed to vent and get support/advice, or whatever I can get I suppose.
Thanks for reading.
Sigh....I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure if I'm searching for advice, or just support. Maybe both? This is gonna be a longggg thread, just a warning.
So. Saturday I made a mistake.(what's new..I always seem to be good at that). I asked him about who he was talking to and what they said, that's not a problem because we both usually do that to each other..but things didn't add up right, so I logged onto his skype(telling him as I was doing it that I was going to). He kinda seemed irritated with me and then it caused a huge fight because I found out he wasn't telling the whole truth(it was nothing MAJOR, but he still wasn't telling me everything) At first, I was calm about it and was rationally discussing it with him when he started yelling at me telling me how I don't trust him etc. and I just said, well I proved that you weren't telling the truth, so..but he continued to yell and interrupt me when I was talking, I hung up on him and said I wasn't going to put up with him treating me like that. We went back and forth about it I guess and I said, maybe we should just be done, yup I'm done.(I really wasn't..) I tend to say "I'm done" A LOT when I get mad at him, which is just ridiculous. I'm so stupid for doing that. This argument caused us to argue over some so small and stupid as well, so it was like all at once, lets make a day we planned to be great, turn to hell. And we were successful.
I tried to reassure him that I do trust him and that I love him with everything I have, but he wasn't having it. He just kept saying how I don't trust him etc. He said we needed "time" to think about things..I was like fine. difficult to do, but I'll try. He said that we could sleep on everything and talk about it Sunday when he got off work...so Sunday came, he got off work, he did online training, and whatever else he did and stayed up until like 4am(when he complains when I ask him to stay up and spend time with me because he's tired so that kinda hurt) Needless to say, he didn't get much time to "think" so we didn't really talk on Sunday. I'm not going to go day by day how things have gone, but we've just not really talked much since Saturday. We've talked a little, but not much at all. We haven't been so much as arguing now, we've gotten past that, but...
He says he "doesn't know" anything anymore. He loves me, he wants to be with me, but he says I need to prove that I can trust him before he will get back into a relationship with me. In other words, he wants to take things slow...and that's fine and understandable. But, the biggest problem I'm having is I feel like I'm getting mixed signals off him. He says things like "I want to be with you" but follows it with "we can't be together" and "I'm confused, I don't know anymore" sigh... I asked him if he wanted me to change my profile pictures and quit posting "I love you" and "I miss you" etc on my statues and if he wanted me to change my relationship status on Facebook to single. He practically said "I'm in a lose lose situation here aren't I?" that....crushed me. what was that supposed to mean? So I asked, and he said that if he said yes, my family would hate him and disapprove of our relationship even more than they already do and he would get people bitching at him on Skype and YIM. On Tuesday, we played a game together, we laughed little, well I laughed a little idk about him because we weren't on mic with each other. After we finished the game, we both said good game, then he said "I enjoyed that ty" then he said "we can play more tomorrow I have less to do" I responded with okay I don't have anything to do either. But tomorrow came and went and we didn't get to play another game due to his computer problems. I've been trying to leave him nice things and tell him things that will put a smile on his face and brighten his day, but I feel like I am failing miserably, anyway.. Let me take a step back a minute and show you a brief conversation between us:
Me: hey can i ask you something/
Him: ok
Me: when are you the happiest? and what makes you happy?
Him: when we are happy
Me: wasnt expecting that response..thanks
Him: i am happy when i play poker too becuase i like poker too
Him: lol i was joking
Him: i am happiest when we are together heather
Him: im happy wen we can have a laugh and make love and be like we was
Him: i want us to be back to the way we always wanted to be
Him: have u gone offline?
Me: of course not
Him: i am happy when we are happy heather
Me: me too Jason.
Me: I can only ever be truly happy when we are happy together.
Me: I almost want to hate myself for ruining this.
I can't even describe to you what that did to me. I was happy but it felt like a slap in the face at the same time. I wasn't expecting him to say those things.....
(Sorry if I'm repeating myself)
We talked on facebook, that same day. I get a sense that he cares, and I know he does, but I get those mixed signals every time. I tell him over and over again I want to work it out I don't want to continue to be like this and he says "I want to work it out too but its going to take time, we will be fine" (that's what he says a lot, 'we will be fine'). He told me that he's afraid to be in a relationship in general because of the whole feeling he isn't trusted thing. He wants to be with me, but he is unsure if I can trust him the way he wants me to. He says he wants me to trust him and he wants us to be back to the way we used to be. He says it upsets him to think that I want to change my relationship status on facebook to single,(which i don't want to do) he says we will be okay.
So basically it comes down to this.
I don't know what to think. Saturday/Sunday/Monday all I did was cry when I talked to him because it hurt me so bad.
I tell him I love him and I miss him and I wish it was back to the way it used to be.
I read our old conversations and it makes me sad because I realize, this guy is freaking amazing, he's the best dang thing that's ever happened to me, he treats me SOOOOO well(he's as close to perfect as they come) yet I do this, and ruin it all? What the hell is wrong with me?
I've told him this and it's soo true.. he makes me weak, because even though we're not good right now, I still love and miss him and care loads for him. I think about him constantly I want nothing in this world but him. I think about him constantly and when I try not to think about him, I manage to think about him anyway.
I am not happy without him.
But at the same time feeling all that...I don't want to portray a relationship that I am not in. I have these pictures up, I have these statuses up, my facebook says I am in a relationship with him but I'm not.. I want it to be there, I wanna be his again, but I'm not. Ughhh, it's driving me insane...
One last thing before I finally post this.
I told him about his birthday present, I didn't tell him exactly what it is, but I've been working soo hard on it, for hours and hours(like 5 really) and it's not even finished yet, but I'm afraid to give it to him because it kind of has something to do with "marriage" and we're not together, but he says he still wants it.
I have had hardly any sleep, I've been up since 4am Wednesday morning and it's just past 3am Thursday morning. I can hardly eat, I feel sick and for the first time in my life I think I'm suffering from anxiety attacks, usually when I get upset or when I talk to him and I anticipate something. I'm not sure they are indeed anxiety attacks, but I kind of googled it and came up with that.
I don't really know what else to say other than, this is killing me. Anything is welcome here, I just needed to vent and get support/advice, or whatever I can get I suppose.
Thanks for reading.
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