in need of cheerin up.

[Kitty]

kitty, that quote is wonderful! so sweet and touching, and so often true!

That's the best thing I've ever heard!

Thanks. Glad everyone liked it! I'm pretty sure it's a good book too. I didn't grab it though. Guess I'll have to next time and share any more good stuff out of it with y'all so we can all enjoy it.

[Sarah M]

Guess I'll have to next time and share any more good stuff out of it with y'all so we can all enjoy it.

For sure! Kudos.

[Tanja]

I want that book now!

[aggie]

oh, same!
yeah, Kitty, definitely get it and sell us some more of the info on what us, girls should know

My guess is that, even if you could see the photos and they'd be regular, friendly photos for everyone else, you'd still find something in there that would make you jealous and not ease your mind. Sometimes you just have to push these thoughts away and restrain yourself from even looking, as big as the temptation might be, because you'll go crazy otherwise.

This is so true... when you think something may be going on, you subconsciously take everything as a proof. even if it doesn't mean anything. and there is no cure for that?

I hope it cheers you up when I tell you that, ever since I went to visit my hb and we worked everything out and get along great again, I have no desire to check up on him and it's much easier to push away these automatic negative thoughts that creep into your mind as soon as they don't respond or are not as nice as usual etc. It's much easier to trust when you're happy and feel secure about your relationship. Duh. :P So, I think, it's only a matter of hanging in there for you, too - I'm pretty sure, as soon as you've settled everything in person and you feel really loved again, these nagging doubts will go away.

it definitely does! i put my hopes up to this visit now... I know we made one serious mistake the last time, because as soon as we saw each other, and we lived together for the 3 months, all communication/jealousy/trust issues disappeared instantly.. we were so happy together, we didn't even think of bringing those to the discussion. and we should have. because as soon as the distance was between us again, it all came back... doubled. or tripled even. I wish i could feel totally secure about the relationship for more than a month... without getting the doubts and other crap.
I find myself thinking sometimes that engagement/marriage could solve the problem... but here you are and you're speakin of the same troubles with your hb (even if thats from the past). damn.

[lunamea]

This is so true... when you think something may be going on, you subconsciously take everything as a proof. even if it doesn't mean anything. and there is no cure for that?

Hm, I don't know. If there is, it lies within you. At least for me, it all has to do with my lacking self-confidence and general trust issues and not really with anything my husband does... he hasn't ever given me reason to distrust him and even though he doesn't express his feelings a lot, I think I'd also question it if he did!! That's a realization I've only recently reached... imagine your SO went all mushy every day... wouldn't you think that's odd, too? Perhaps that's just me, though, because I grew up with stories of my mom's biggest disappointment (her ex-husband cheating on her) that sadly really shaped the way I look at men.
Her story goes like this: they'd been together ever since they were teenagers, married for 6 years, when she found out he'd been having an affair for the past year! He was the super-affectionate type, cuddling and telling her how much he loved her all the time and stuff. So, whenever I see men like that, I think there's a hidden agenda. To add insult to injury, my mom had invested in her ex-husband's company, so she lost a lot of money and he had really taken advantage of her in every way imaginable. And then, he married the woman he'd cheated on my mom with and they've been married ever since then!! (Understandably, my mom never got over it, which is also why I've been hearing the story over and over again since I was a girl). So, ever since, my mom doesn't really trust anyone anymore - she once told me she couldn't even trust me, let alone any man. So, yeah, sometimes when my hb pays me a compliment or gets really mushy, I find it hard to believe him.

it definitely does! i put my hopes up to this visit now... I know we made one serious mistake the last time, because as soon as we saw each other, and we lived together for the 3 months, all communication/jealousy/trust issues disappeared instantly.. we were so happy together, we didn't even think of bringing those to the discussion. and we should have. because as soon as the distance was between us again, it all came back... doubled. or tripled even. I wish i could feel totally secure about the relationship for more than a month... without getting the doubts and other crap.
I find myself thinking sometimes that engagement/marriage could solve the problem... but here you are and you're speakin of the same troubles with your hb (even if thats from the past). damn.

I don't think getting married solves anything. People and feelings change all the time - that he's committed and wants to spend his life with you at the time of the wedding doesn't mean it will stay like this all the time. Believing a wedding ring means eternal bliss is setting oneself up for disappointment - it's what my mom believed before her ex-hb cheated on her and she grew pretty disillusioned and bitter about love and marriage after that (even though she did re-marry).

And I don't think now that I've settled the issues with my hb, they won't ever come up again - of course, I hope they stay settled, but knowing myself, I guess they will resurface at one point to some extent. There will just always be something I'm jealous at, no matter whether we're CD or LD, but I think I've learnt to deal with these things better now and have my feelings better in check.

I definitely think you should address your issues when together... not really as in the first thing you do when you meet at the airport, but after the first excitement has worn off, when you're both in a good mood and have some time alone. Speak openly about your feelings and settle these issues as best as possible, also thinking about how to handle things after you go back to LDR. It doesn't mean that things won't come up again, but you'll both learn to be more careful with each other's feelings. At least that's what my hb and I took away from this experience and I can proudly say that we haven't had a serious fight in the month I'm back.

[aggie]

oh noes. sorry about your mum... growing up without trust must be horrible, but I do understand her too... It's really hard to rebuild the trust and the faith in people after you were hurt so bad. Your husband probably understands that too and it makes me even happier that you found someone who loves you so much and is always there for you (even if he can't express that). And you gettin over the jealousy, despite the past, makes me believe, that I could do it too. Well, see... i never really was hurt by any of my ex's ... and my parents are still together... so it must be just lack of my self-confidence... although, i used to be very confident and independent, which is one of the things that attracted T. to me at the first place. I guess we're all scared a little of losing them... and of being hurt like that, even if you have (like me) no previous experience of such. I can go for weeks, i think a month is the most without questioning him and things he does ... but now, that i'm the one who actually stuffed up, im scared of revenge ?

T. always said that it is important for us, to be together not because we feel like we need to and we can't live without each other, but to stay independent, being able to live on our own, yet still be WILLING to be together.Oh, he's a clever boy. Funnily enough, i only understood that recently. So last couple of months was good for my self-improvement. You'd think that anyone in LDR 'can live on their own without the SO' ... but it's definitely not true. It requires heaps and heaps of work not to fully rely on them, stop the neediness and clingyness etc.


As for the marriage ... of course, the problems are always there... no one's ever heard of no-conflict relationship, but you must know that Poland is a country full of christian and conservative people, and once the marriage is set, the divorce is still perceived as something strange and slightly unacceptable. Sure, people here do get divorced, but they have to cope with some disagreements from family/friends. Sucks big time, i hate the fact that I'm expected to do something/be someone by society... Just because they think it's the right thing to do.
But when I spoke of the ring making me a little more secure, i didn't mean for eternity... but just for now, knowing that he wants to spend his life with me and that he wants to work on it, would be great. He did mention that, but I find words so hard to believe sometimes.. it's easier when you talk in person, especially that I tend to interpret things like that in my own way..

We're gonna spend 3 weeks together, but since he doesn't know when i'm coming i don't expect him to take some time off work then, so it won't be 24/7 like the last time, but definitely we're gonna have to do lots of serious talking and yet still find some time for the fun stuff.

Thank you for all your advice! You're great!
And... congrats on the no-serious-fight-month! I really hope it stays this way till the end

[Kitty]

Ok I'm writing this from my phone so please forgive any mistakes! I just want to say congratulations to everyone working on and solvin their troubles! Good news is always great.

[lunamea]

Yeah, I guess to some extent, everyone has that fear of loss and I think a lot of people just hide it well. I believe my husband to be one of those people. He does get jealous, too, but I think he usually swallows it down and tells himself he's being irrational and doesn't make a big deal of it. Or he doesn't admit that it was jealousy at all... which is weird. One time, he saw me talking to a guy (whom I didn't know but who had asked me something) at the bus stop and he freaked out, wouldn't talk to me all day, but he never admitted he was jealous. He just did a very good job of making me feel at fault for talking to some stranger when I knew that he'd be coming soon (thus accusing me of making him jealous intentionally). I guess admitting that he's afraid of losing me would make him seem weak and he's too proud for that. Me, on the other hand, I'm really hot-tempered and moody and when I freak out, I freak out big time (mostly at little things) and don't waste a thought on reason and logic or pride at that moment. I'll just jump down his throat right away because I need to vent and can't keep my feelings in check. I think I just need much more time to "cool off" than the average person and take long to get back to normal. And then I regret having overreacted, of course. I have to say that my hb has learnt to deal with it pretty well by now, but I've worked hard on improving in the last month, too, as he made me see how destructive to our relationship and happiness my frequent freak-outs were. I hope I can keep it up.

I think it was a vicious circle: the more jealous I got, the more angry my hb got and the more we would fight, the less he would say anything nice to me/express his feelings and the more jealous I would get in turn!

And... congrats on the no-serious-fight-month! I really hope it stays this way till the end

That's gonna be what I'll officially call it - "No-Serious-Fight-Month"!! Awesome!

[aggie]

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH. I replied to your post last night, seems like its gone somewhere

This is scary and amazing, but from what you're saying, you sound so much like me and your hb souds just like T.
I totally adore the way he deals with the problems and distance - by just thinking through it himself and he's teaching me that. Although, sometimes i just wish he spilled it out and said what's the matter because obviously to figure out what's on their mind sometimes isn't that easy. But I really think that 'their way' is much more safer for the relationship, except... they tend to have a lot less of stupid ideas and think about it more rationally than women.
I realize that with my little paranoia, and jealousy issues, i may be a little difficult to put up with long term, because somehow my issues come out usually about half a year-a year into the relationship. Anyways, T (and so is your hb!) is doing great job at trying to calm me down, he just gets it when i am ready to beat the crap out of him, he'd just wait, without saying a word, but listening. and then after i vent he would say something along 'okay, now, i want you to sit and think about it. id rather have you thinking about it before you accused me but now its not too late'. So i do and it usually ends up in me apologising. Ive learnt to hold a lot of stuff to myself for 24hours at least, which is my own personal rule - if you're anxious about something, or you're frustrated by someone's action - give yourself 24 hours to think about it and calm down. Usually that little time makes the problem way smaller than it seemed at the start, leading to a healthier relationship! However, it's not always that easy .... for example, when i notice something, when he's online. Oh boi, that would be the time to run away, turn off the phone and the net and hide under a blanket. I also tend to get annoyed a little too easily and to say things about it straight away. THEEEENN realizing what i really said and how could i even think that.
And when i think, i'd have to put up with someone as impulsive as me, id go crazy by now. Well, he hasnt. And he's great at dealing with it too!

I think it was a vicious circle: the more jealous I got, the more angry my hb got and the more we would fight, the less he would say anything nice to me/express his feelings and the more jealous I would get in turn!

This is so true.... i used to have a hard time when id be confronting T about something and he'd just sit there without a word - made me feel less secure, more curious and suspicious... but knowing he just wants me to solve the problem within myself first and then maybe question him about all the stupid things that randomly pop up in my mind, made it more understandable for me.
I think it is great we have such amazing person on our side that are willing to deal with our issues, but also it's important we both know we have them and what impact they have on the relationship, especially long distance!
As long as we're trying to work on it... maybe one day, they'll go away (oh please do.!)

That's gonna be what I'll officially call it - "No-Serious-Fight-Month"!! Awesome!

Well, you better make it a 'No-Serious-Fight-Semester" ! haaaa, challenge. i dare you.