I didn't want to bring any bad vibes over valentine's day and i still feel crap for doing it today, when everyone should still be happy and excited about yesterday...
I'm struggling though. It is still 45 days till I see him and it seems like forever...
First of all, I am being stupid, stupid, stupid. Because I keep sending him texts and messages and videos and what-not. To which he doesn't reply. Well... We are technically not totally back together. The incident that happened isn't exactly 'forgive and forget', but him telling me he thinks he wants to be with me and that he loves me, made me want to take things right back to what they were 'before'. Na-huh. Not a good idea. And i know that. I know that thousands of messages may push him away. Again. I know that, yet i still keep doing so... And the lack of replies makes me feel hopeless. And incredibly sad.
Obviously, I'd like him to forgive and forget. Just like that. And I probably got way over excited when he said he'd like to see me... (to the point, I started making a list of the things we are gonna do, just like we did the last time... and sent it to him. a bit too forward). I just can't stop myself. I wanna be there, with him so badly...
It may be that he also said he needs to see the effort, he needs to see that's really what i want. And apart from booking my flights in the middle of my uni year, what can i do? Any suggestions?
So i feel sad. Actually, I haven't felt that sad in ages. I felt angry and frustrated... but not sad.
And the worst part is... I can't even ring him and tell him - hey, im feeling sad... because that could only push him away - even when things were okay, my calls when i was down made him feel helpless and were bringing him down...
And when I see his quoting our songs in his statuses... well, that only makes me want to talk to him even more...
And second thing is ... I am being majorly jealous. I always have been. But now it's just horrible. I hate seeing the increasing number of his photos on fb, none of which i can see... because they are all hidden in someone's private albums. And even though I have no proof of that whatsoever, I am always scared they may be HER photos (HER profile is set as private, and im not friends with her). Even though, there's heaps of people who could tag a pic of him... I still let myself get paranoid. Even though I know, there's nothing going on between them. But i really would like to believe it. Because this fear... makes me crazy! (as you can tell from this post)
And all that makes me really depressed.
I should be studying, I have an exam tomorrow morning... But i just can't stop thinking about him.
I don't know what I'd like to hear from you guys. I really don't... But I had to tell someone about it and all my friends, don't really understand (i hate hearing from people 'just give it up')
I don't know if what i'm feeling is love. I don't know WHY i want to be with HIM so badly.
But there must be something.... ;/
Oh, my mood may be very swingy. I am on hormonal pills this week and the next and it may be the reason why i am soo ... weird.
Sorry for the messy post, i feel a little better now.
No, not really. Or maybe.
I'm struggling though. It is still 45 days till I see him and it seems like forever...
First of all, I am being stupid, stupid, stupid. Because I keep sending him texts and messages and videos and what-not. To which he doesn't reply. Well... We are technically not totally back together. The incident that happened isn't exactly 'forgive and forget', but him telling me he thinks he wants to be with me and that he loves me, made me want to take things right back to what they were 'before'. Na-huh. Not a good idea. And i know that. I know that thousands of messages may push him away. Again. I know that, yet i still keep doing so... And the lack of replies makes me feel hopeless. And incredibly sad.
Obviously, I'd like him to forgive and forget. Just like that. And I probably got way over excited when he said he'd like to see me... (to the point, I started making a list of the things we are gonna do, just like we did the last time... and sent it to him. a bit too forward). I just can't stop myself. I wanna be there, with him so badly...
It may be that he also said he needs to see the effort, he needs to see that's really what i want. And apart from booking my flights in the middle of my uni year, what can i do? Any suggestions?
So i feel sad. Actually, I haven't felt that sad in ages. I felt angry and frustrated... but not sad.
And the worst part is... I can't even ring him and tell him - hey, im feeling sad... because that could only push him away - even when things were okay, my calls when i was down made him feel helpless and were bringing him down...
And when I see his quoting our songs in his statuses... well, that only makes me want to talk to him even more...
And second thing is ... I am being majorly jealous. I always have been. But now it's just horrible. I hate seeing the increasing number of his photos on fb, none of which i can see... because they are all hidden in someone's private albums. And even though I have no proof of that whatsoever, I am always scared they may be HER photos (HER profile is set as private, and im not friends with her). Even though, there's heaps of people who could tag a pic of him... I still let myself get paranoid. Even though I know, there's nothing going on between them. But i really would like to believe it. Because this fear... makes me crazy! (as you can tell from this post)
And all that makes me really depressed.
I should be studying, I have an exam tomorrow morning... But i just can't stop thinking about him.
I don't know what I'd like to hear from you guys. I really don't... But I had to tell someone about it and all my friends, don't really understand (i hate hearing from people 'just give it up')
I don't know if what i'm feeling is love. I don't know WHY i want to be with HIM so badly.
But there must be something.... ;/
Oh, my mood may be very swingy. I am on hormonal pills this week and the next and it may be the reason why i am soo ... weird.
Sorry for the messy post, i feel a little better now.
No, not really. Or maybe.
Comment