Lack of Romance in our LDR

[rsvpnj]

Hey Everyone,

I was just wondering how everyone deals with the lack of romance in your LDR... I suppose that not everyone has this problem but I do and while I'm certain that I am part of the problem itself, I'm not quite sure what to do about it. In a way talking about it seems harsh and mean. I know that I should say something but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for it.

I guess I should be more specific in my request. My BF and I say "I Love You". "I miss you" is less frequent. We never really talk about why we love each other. On Love Letter day, I sent him a text telling him the point of the day and I sent him an email with my short love letter. He sent me a reply saying that the letter made his day and that he loved me. Of course, I appreciated his reply. However, I don't know if it was presumptuous of me, but I was hoping that he would write me one in return. I know that the point of writing a love letter isn't receiving one in exchange but I don't know how to switch off that expectation. Also, on Thanksgiving, I sent him an email because I was working. The email was short but went on to say that I was thankful for having him in my life...etc... He sent me a reply that said "I love you too sweetie". To say that I was disappointed is an understatement. When I asked him later why that was his only reply, he said that he figured that we would talk later and be able to express himself further, because he read the email shortly after waking up. But in reality, he fell asleep after the Thanksgiving company departed and we didn't speak at all. Even when we're together things aren't inherently romantic. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him. But there isn't much that feels romantic to me. He helps me out financially, more often than I care to mention... and while I'm utterly grateful for his generous help, because of it, I don't push the issue of romance.

Having been married before, I know that everything is not always sunshine and roses but am definitely missing the romance that may or may not have been there before. I would love to hear some suggestions and advice... especially from a guy's perspective...

Thanks!!!

[PaperbackWriter]

Aw I wish I knew what to tell you, but I'm in the same boat. I love SO to pieces, but trying to get him to be romantic is like pulling teeth.

[rsvpnj]

Aw I wish I knew what to tell you, but I'm in the same boat. I love SO to pieces, but trying to get him to be romantic is like pulling teeth.

Well.... hopefully this post will help us both...

[agentholli]

I know how you feel. I sometimes feel like there is NEVER anything in return..and its also hard for me becuase I was married and that relationship had no effort on his part.

I suggest you talk to him, tell him that it hurt you that he just simply replied and didn't send you an email back. He can't fix it, if he doesn't know its broken

Good luck!

[Čternity]

Everyone's expectations are different. What would he have to do or say and how often to fulfil your expectations? Have you ever shared that with him? Some people like a daily text or reply and that's enough, others like flowers or letters etc or just little things to show their SO has been listening. Also, you have to remember many people 'Give to Get' and that really doesn't work with many people, not just guys. He may think he is doing great in this area, have you talked to him about what you are looking for?

[sabby64]

Me and Brandon talked about this, because he wanted to know what I 'expected' or wanted because he hasn't had much experience with relationships... And I'm just naturally romantic and sappy to the point sometimes it even sickens me XD I think you need to talk to him about it, because otherwise you'll never feel completely happy with it, and it's better to know that you've tried everything, you know?

[Twister25]

Everyone's expectations are different. What would he have to do or say and how often to fulfil your expectations? Have you ever shared that with him? Some people like a daily text or reply and that's enough, others like flowers or letters etc or just little things to show their SO has been listening. Also, you have to remember many people 'Give to Get' and that really doesn't work with many people, not just guys. He may think he is doing great in this area, have you talked to him about what you are looking for?

I agree with Čternity. You may talk to him about your expectations, or simply do something creative/romantic to inspire him.
To record a love song, send him a letter with your lip print or share the sweet lines from a movie with him.

[mllebamako]

Yup, agree with Eternity. You should share with him what you would like to hear. A lot of people are afraid to do that because it seems like they're forcing someone into something and they don't want forced romance. But people have different ways of showing love and different ways they want to receive love. He might not know that that is really important to you.

[jerseygirl904]

First of all - Hello fellow Jersey Girl ! I would give my eye teeth to be in Egg Harbor Twp. and not here in FL (my SO lives in Ocean County - I'd take an hours drive ANY day!!). I understand what you're saying...and my BF and I have discussed this a few times. Forgive me if I repeat what others have said...I skimmed a bit.

My SO does not believe in being "flowery" or "Romance Novel" romantic. He believes firmly that his actions speak much louder than words...because words, after all, are just that..."words." In his case, this is true. He's very sweet and attentive and loves to surprise me. He also does not believe in "dwelling" on the distance. We've talked about the "absence makes your heart grow fonder" theory. He changes it to "absence makes the heart go wander." Now before anyone freaks...lemme explain. What he means by that, is that if you focus a great deal on being apart and how much it sucks that you're not together, and you get down...your more likely to let someone else in to fill that void. We both try not to dwell on what we don't have and focus on what we DO have together.

As women, I truly believe we all want that "Serendipity"/John Cusack love...But (unfortunately)...in most cases this is why romantic comedies are FICTION. LOL I'm not saying that no man is capable of it...but, I know if my man suddenly started spewing romance, I'd be concerned! . And please don't get me wrong, my SO is not some stone-faced, no romance ogre...he's just not over-the-top and flowery with it. He knows I am an emotional creature...he just shows his romance and love in his own way (silly texts, singing to me on his way into work...a surprise flight schedule in my inbox).

I would let your guy know how you feel...and be open to romance that is "his style" if that makes any sense?

[Rane]

Well I guess I'll be the first guy to answer the post?

Whereas I'm on the opposite side of the fence to jerseygirl's SO, to a degree. I think when you're in a LDR, your words have to speak for you. There's not a whole lot of room for action when you're connected through a computer screen, or telephone. It puts you in a tough spot to speak your mind when you're relying on him financially, if you think he might cut you off if he doesn't like what you're saying... But if that's a worry, then it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to begin with.

So that being said, I think that you really need to take some time out and talk to him, express your concerns and how you feel to him. Like Eternity was saying, everyone's expectations are different. Some people are just inept sometimes (Usually the guys [I'm allowed to say that, cause I'm a guy. :O]), and need to be let known of what would make you happy. Maybe he's a practical guy, and feels like he's doing enough, and just needs to be reminded of how much it would mean to you to have his affection expressed more often, in his own way. Then, there are types like my father, who just don't have the romantic gene perse, so it all depends on your SO. But if it's a matter of you feel like he could be doing more, and would want to be doing more if he knew how it was affecting you, then I would express your concerns to him.

[jerseygirl904]

Whereas I'm on the opposite side of the fence to jerseygirl's SO, to a degree. I think when you're in a LDR, your words have to speak for you. There's not a whole lot of room for action when you're connected through a computer screen, or telephone. It puts you in a tough spot to speak your mind when you're relying on him financially, if you think he might cut you off if he doesn't like what you're saying... But if that's a worry, then it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to begin with.

Please don't take that wrong...it's not that he or I are saying word are worthless. It's more of him saying that you need a little something to back them up from time-to-time. I do realize that for many of our fellow LDR-ers, the distance is great and all your really have are intangibles. But, as you also pointed out...being cut off for speaking your heart or mind does make a red flag pop up. If anything, that fear alone should be addressed. Regardless of the topic, I believe that you should feel comfortable enough in a relationship to talk over anything.

[rsvpnj]

Please don't take that wrong...it's not that he or I are saying word are worthless. It's more of him saying that you need a little something to back them up from time-to-time. I do realize that for many of our fellow LDR-ers, the distance is great and all your really have are intangibles. But, as you also pointed out...being cut off for speaking your heart or mind does make a red flag pop up. If anything, that fear alone should be addressed. Regardless of the topic, I believe that you should feel comfortable enough in a relationship to talk over anything.

Thank you for your advice everyone... I want to make it clear that I am not afraid that my BF is going to "cut me off" if I bring this up... I guess I just meant that in his way, he feels that his help shows how much he cares...etc. I guess I feel indebted to him for all of his help and it feels weird for me to be pushing this "unimportant" issue. We have been the best of friends since we met in 2002... our relationship is built on the fact that we have always been able to share things with each that we haven't with others...

Any ideas how I bring this up without sounding like a nag???

[Kalmyia]

As one of those guys who tends to miss the point when things are brought up subtly, I would suggest a direct approach. It is important to let him know specifically what you would like so there isn't any ambiguity in his mind. While letting him know that you aren't happy with the current situation, you can always bring it up in light of the other things you DO appreciate he does.

A good way to do that is use "I" statements about how you feel and react to things instead of making "you" statements. Using a "you" statement could make him get defensive and feel un-appreciated. "I" statements are direct, assertive expressions of your views and feelings, whereas "you" sentences are accusative and confrontational. For example: "I try very hard to do the best work I can," not, "You always criticize me." Or "I appreciate it when you turn down the television while I talk," not, "You never pay attention." Notice that "I feel that you are not treating me fairly" is actually a disguised "you" statement. A true "I" statement really would be, "I feel angry and hurt." I copied and pasted the examples from a psychology resource online so while they aren't exactly applicable to your situation, they hopefully will help you figure out some way to share your desires. Good luck!

[rsvpnj]

As one of those guys who tends to miss the point when things are brought up subtly, I would suggest a direct approach. It is important to let him know specifically what you would like so there isn't any ambiguity in his mind. While letting him know that you aren't happy with the current situation, you can always bring it up in light of the other things you DO appreciate he does.

A good way to do that is use "I" statements about how you feel and react to things instead of making "you" statements. Using a "you" statement could make him get defensive and feel un-appreciated. "I" statements are direct, assertive expressions of your views and feelings, whereas "you" sentences are accusative and confrontational. For example: "I try very hard to do the best work I can," not, "You always criticize me." Or "I appreciate it when you turn down the television while I talk," not, "You never pay attention." Notice that "I feel that you are not treating me fairly" is actually a disguised "you" statement. A true "I" statement really would be, "I feel angry and hurt." I copied and pasted the examples from a psychology resource online so while they aren't exactly applicable to your situation, they hopefully will help you figure out some way to share your desires. Good luck!

Thank you for your advice! I truly appreciate it! Now... one last question... my BF just gave me a large sum of money to help pay my own bills. Should I wait to have this conversation or does it not matter?

Thanks!!!

[Čternity]

>.< Yea I'd wait and be grateful for the little things, er like a large amount of money to help pay your bills.