Do you have a change in communication immediately after a visit?

[Micah]

I wanted to know if anyone else has a SO who communicates with them LESS after a visit? Or, if there is a change in communication at all after a visit?

For the few days following a visit with my boyfriend, he usually doesn't really talk much to me. I should be used to it by now because it has been that way since the very beginning. We visit each other about every 2-5 weeks. He told me that he is always pretty bummed out and depressed after we visit, so he kind of keeps to himself for a few days to get through it. I am glad I have an explanation, yet I still get insecure every time! Also, I wish he'd talk to me instead of keeping his feelings to himself. I was just wondering if anyone else goes through this or if it is just a unique thing I go through.

Personally, I want to talk to him more/just the same as usual after a visit, so usually my solution is that I write him a letter, so that I still get to communicate but I am not bothering him at the same time. I find that the more times I see him, the harder it is for me to step off communicating after a visit. It's just hard for me because I miss him and want to talk. At the same time I want to give him the "mourning period" he needs. I left him yesterday morning and have barely heard from him, except one little phone call to see if I made it home and a couple text messages.

[Stephanieeee]

eh, i never went through that. but i understand the stand-offish..ness that he's going through. whenever i miss my man lots it helps actually to avoid his cuteness. cause it'll just make me miss him sooooo much more. if its been a habitually thing for him, i wouldn't mess with it or get insecure. writing letters is a great idea to talk to him without exactly talking to him. everybody deals with the distance different ways. as long as he bounces back there certainly isnt an issue if this is how he copes with missing you. nothing to be worried about

[garnet]

It took me a bit to get used to being back to web cams and IMs after actually being together after 8 looong months. I probably avoided a bit at first too. It's hard to go back.

[GatoGirl]

We communicate less right after we part, too. Especially after one of those disastrous high-stress visits where everything goes wrong. He left this morning, so when we talked while he was on the road today there was a lot of silence, which there usually is right after we separate. It's like we got used to being able to be together without having to talk to keep the connection going, and now we have to adjust to talking on the phone again. This visit I noticed that it really felt weird to have so much commotion and noise when i've gotten used to the quiet of being here by myself, so this time, i think I'm talking less!

[Rach321]

Yeah, my boyfriend did the same thing when we had regular visits (haven't seen him now for over 9 months ).

I would always want to talk more than normal, and he'd want to talk less than normal so that he wouldn't have to think about how much he missed me. Eventually, he got used to me calling him all the time right after a visit and he stopped being so distant when he realized how hard it was for me to go from being with him to an abrupt change of little contact. Maybe you can find a compromise?

[Lexi]

I've only seen him once since the move... I moved in August, and came home for a little over a week at the end of October... I'll admit... we didn't really have a huge shift in communication when I came back. I supposed we talked a littttle bit left to kind of let the time we had together sink in and stick with us, but within about 2 days we're back to normal. I think we're kind of dependent on each other at this point in our relationship. Neither of us really talk to any of our other friends anymore... I don't mind though, I know once we're back together we'll be more social again.

[sabby64]

Yeah, it's the same with us. For a few days after we barely talk at all. Not quite sure why, but it happens to both of us so it's not a bad thing or anything After a few days we start talking again and things are all good.

[Riyko]

When I was with my ex and after a visit we would always talk the same amount as before, but when we we're together in person we would hardly ever talk.

[paulawriteslove]

There is always a little change in communication since you two are together 24/7. Me and my boyfriend always take a little break from talking for a few hours. It's weird, but it works for us

[Rosebud]

Well since I've only had one visit with my SO I cant say we have any usual patterns but I'll say what happened after our visit. Our taking online didn't lessen in the slightest after I'd returned him (actually while I was over there I had to stay in a hotel and even after a whole day together we still go online and talked till we fell asleep), however, it was clear our moods had shifted. Well, okay, MY mood had shifted. I don't know if it was because I was the one who had made the trip or if I'm just more over emotional than he is (probably the latter), but I was definitely very moody for about a week once I'd returned home. I wanted to talk to him ALL the time and argued with him over every stupid little thing till it reached the near tipping point of the entire relationship. I sincerely hope that was simply my reaction just because it was our first time ever meeting and it was so short and I was already missing him. I certainly don't want that to be the norm after every visit!

[CynderAngel]

Reading the responses to this, it seems like what you experience is pretty normal. Makes sense though. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the distance. My boyfriend and I just separated from our first visit, and we're talking as much as we did before. I thought we'd be sad for a long time, but we just had so much fun. I feel closer to him than ever before and so happy.

[Micah]

Call me dorky, but I was researching on the internet about this and I was reading some excerpts from "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus", which said something about how men go into their cave when they are trying to work through issues. While in their cave you should leave them alone and let them work it through. Another thing the author said was that men are like rubber bands. He explains that when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. So when they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and them getting close again. So a women should allow a man to expand fully. She should not try to prevent this pulling away. I think this is what my SO goes through when I leave, but maybe I am just trying to justify his behavior to give myself peace of mind! Thanks for all your input. I appreciate it.

[Lexi]

Call me dorky, but I was researching on the internet about this and I was reading some excerpts from "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus", which said something about how men go into their cave when they are trying to work through issues. While in their cave you should leave them alone and let them work it through. Another thing the author said was that men are like rubber bands. He explains that when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. So when they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and them getting close again. So a women should allow a man to expand fully. She should not try to prevent this pulling away. I think this is what my SO goes through when I leave, but maybe I am just trying to justify his behavior to give myself peace of mind! Thanks for all your input. I appreciate it.

That... is SO interesting. and it makes perfect sense.

I think you've just inspired me to buy this book!

[TknandLvnIt]

My SO does the same thing and it makes me soooo sad because I need to hear his voice...Having him pull away makes the distance even harder but I agree that quote was very interesting and makes me want to read the book too. I know that his pulling away doesn't mean that he cares about me less but when I'm really missing him I want as much of him as I can have but I hate feeling like I'm being too needy. I remember after our first visit we couldn't even talk to each other the whole first day after I came back home. We were both just sooo sad and wanted to cry because of the distance...and even just hearing each others voice was hard...but we talked about it and realized that we can't both be sad. So we turned the conversation into a what would you do if we were together conversation and were able to talk and admit that we missed each other terribly and allow the mending and understanding of our distance to come back. Reminding ourselves of our reality and why we thought it was worth it makes it sooo much easier.

[Micah]

My boyfriend "came out of his cave" yesterday evening. We had an hour long phone conversation and it was wonderful. So, all the insecurities and freaking out on my end are now gone, but it's still not fun to fill so lonely the days following a visit because I miss him so much! It is nice to know others can relate. We can all whine together!