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    #1

    Cracks in his armor...

    I have had a much more difficult time adjusting to long distance that my man has. We have been apart for...a year now? He is going to grad school and is very busy with school, homework, rehearsals, and sleep (i know, right? How rude. Sleeping in stead of talking to me =P). We are usually able to talk every evening (though it's hard with the 3hr time difference) and we try to text a little throughout the day. My issue is this: I know I'm a little more needy than I would like to admit and I AM working on it...but we had another fight tonight about the fact that it feels like I'm at the bottom of his priority list and I worry that even though he says he loves me and he wants to try harder...(which I completely believe)...that in the back of his mind, I have made myself "that girl." Does that make sense? That he may try and communicate better...but that it will be because he doesn't want me to whine about it anymore. That I've put too much pressure on him unfairly.

    And he knows that I love him. And he knows I know he's busy. But I just worry that....I said too much.

    Have any of you been on the other side of this? Or on my side? Help? What have I done?? And is the crack gonna get bigger?
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    #2
    Stay calm, it will be okay! Things are no where near as bad as they seem.

    I'm on your side in terms of being worried over communication, and it's made worse by the fact that my bf was in a LDR before, and one of the reasons it didn't work is because he felt tied to the phone. That said I'm on your boyfriend's side in terms of time commitment (I'm at uni full time and working part time). So I've got a bit of both sides.

    For us, what works is promising to be open about how we're feeling. Let him know that if he's finding he's busy and needs to spend a little less time on the phone, he just needs to say so. And if you REALLY need to hear his voice, you're allowed to say so too. It has to be a compromise. My bf and I also do a check in every once in a while, where we ask if everything's going okay or if anything needs to change. Sometimes it's hard to speak up, so that can get the awkward part over with. It also helps reassure YOU that it's all right rather than wondering if he's just afraid to speak up.

    I know it's hard when you want to talk but don't want to be needy. I have trouble with wanting to talk to my bf ALL THE TIME so I have a note that he wrote for me that I reread, or I reread texts from him or look at pictures I have of him. It's not the same as talking to him, but it helps.

    Hope this helped!


    "You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty."
    -- Anonymous

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      #3
      I can tell you're feeling really insecure about this from the way your wrote your post. I want to emphasize something here: There is NOTHING WRONG with your feelings. They are your feelings, and you have every right to feel them. And if he wants to be your partner, he needs to step up, acknowledge your feelings and keep the relationship going. You'll both do things that may be a bit harder for you in order to keep the relationship happy.

      Now, on the flip side, there's this: being needy is fine as long as you're able to maintain being a strong individual in addition to the neediness. If you need to work on your self-confidence and ability to be ok with just yourself, then kudos for recognizing that when many people don't.

      Perhaps what you really need to work on together is having a more emotionally satisfying time with the time you do have. There's a good book called The Five Love Languages that I think would help you to identify what you need from your partner to feel fulfilled. You could read it together and discuss it, and it'll help you learn about his needs as well. (Even if you're not Christian, the discussion in it is good, you can ignore the scripture).

      And honey, communication and actions are a two way street - if he always 'says' he'll do more, look ot see if he's really doing more and you can't see it, or if he's paying lip service. The difference is important and will tell you a lot about your relationship. Good luck!


      LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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        #4
        Originally posted by LoveThatBoy View Post
        I have had a much more difficult time adjusting to long distance that my man has. We have been apart for...a year now? He is going to grad school and is very busy with school, homework, rehearsals, and sleep (i know, right? How rude. Sleeping in stead of talking to me =P). We are usually able to talk every evening (though it's hard with the 3hr time difference) and we try to text a little throughout the day. My issue is this: I know I'm a little more needy than I would like to admit and I AM working on it...but we had another fight tonight about the fact that it feels like I'm at the bottom of his priority list and I worry that even though he says he loves me and he wants to try harder...(which I completely believe)...that in the back of his mind, I have made myself "that girl." Does that make sense? That he may try and communicate better...but that it will be because he doesn't want me to whine about it anymore. That I've put too much pressure on him unfairly.

        And he knows that I love him. And he knows I know he's busy. But I just worry that....I said too much.

        Have any of you been on the other side of this? Or on my side? Help? What have I done?? And is the crack gonna get bigger?
        Oh how well I know this...my SO and I just had this same issue. Here's what happened and how we solved it.

        He is also at school - but he's a professor! So along with grading the papers your SO is writing, he is also dealing with some personnel changes in the departments and with the graduate program.

        He totally withdrew from me. I mean we went from texting upwards of 200 times a day to NOTHING. And I flipped. Again, it's not like he didn't tell me, or mention all of these things. Knowing he was under a lot of stress, I should have known he would withdraw - that's his way of dealing. But yet my needy, abandonment issues self lost it. The more I tried to get him to respond, the more he withdrew. I was convinced he had relegated me to "that girl" and that we were done. I moped, I was heartbroken.

        I agree that your feelings are your feelings - but you also have to remember, sometimes it's just not about you. We have to understand that the end of the semester is going to be a very busy time for these guys. It does not mean they love us any less - they would much rather be talking to us than writing/reading the next 10 page paper.

        I can't tell you how or why I woke up last Tuesday and said "it's not about me" to myself. I just knew it wasn't. I texted him to apologize, and asked him to set aside 5 minutes in his day to talk to me. And then I stopped trying to communicate with him. I was done and he knew where I stood. He called and gave me 45 minutes, where I communicated my needs and he communicated his. It went well; I got flowers the next day!

        I don't want to say it was game playing or oneupsmanship. It's just at some point I had to let it go...what I was doing was not making it better. It's like that saying if you're doing something and keep getting the same result, change what you're doing? I changed what I was doing.


        When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

        True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

        When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

        1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

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          #5
          Sounds very familiar! We've had quite a few um, disagreements, lately about some of the same issues. I just keep praying we will be better when we are together in 27 days!

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            #6
            I understand this too...all too well.
            NY to Texas Married on...August 17th, 2013

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              #7
              Originally posted by Karringtyn View Post
              I understand this too...all too well.
              So do I.

              You're not alone LoveThatBoy!

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                #8
                i have so been there! i used to worry about that all the time (saying to much and being that annoying girl) btw we have been LD for 16 months now and i have gotten over it! we need what we need, period. But im trying to tone it down to half as much lol. i ALWAYS make sure he knows that im telling him my needs because i want this to work not because im trying to start an argument. thee best of luck

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by BabyGund View Post
                  It's just at some point I had to let it go...what I was doing was not making it better. It's like that saying if you're doing something and keep getting the same result, change what you're doing? I changed what I was doing.
                  Brilliantly put and its exactly what I did 4 years ago.

                  Everything I know, and anywhere I go, It gets hard but it won't take away my love,
                  And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done, It gets hard but it won't take away my love

                  sigpic

                  Me without Him is like Son of Beast without the loop.

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                    #10
                    Thank you EVERYONE! These help so much.

                    LostInLove: I have thought recently about how I need to just re-read his notes I have all of them in my love letter satchel! Sometimes that's hard too, though, since it reminds me of back BEFORE he was so busy...and makes me sad But I do have recent texts saved I just need to look over to snap myself out of it =P

                    Silviar: I HAVE actually been meaning to get him to read the 5 love languages with me...having read it myself and REALLY connecting with it.

                    BabyGund, I hear what you're saying and I am definitely backing off...but I have apologized so many times...I think that rather than saying it for the millionth time, I need to do it through my actions this time. Y'know? He told me after we had this last big fight that he feels like every other day we fight and every other day I'm all "I love you! I can't wait to see you!" Which... .I guess is my way of showing him how even though we argue, and even though sometimes I feel neglected, I'm still 100% happy we are together. But I think I'm just confusing him and...he's starting to think I'm a psycho =P He'll be here in 5 days and I have an amazing week planned out...so I'm hoping to get to show him how much I love him and try and let him know I'll work harder at understanding his schedule? But HE also needs to realize that...even if I AM a little crazy...my points are still valid. A relationship takes work, ya know?

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