I'm desperate for help..sorry for this being so long.

[princessmia]

Well, actually we probably both do. For those of you who don't know that much, here is a little background: I'm 19, my boyfriend is 17. He's still in high school, I'm not. I went to school but it didn't work out, and I can't get a job (along with the other 70% of the people in my age group who are unemployed.) But anyway, we met online, and we haven't met yet. We're constantly struggling. Yesterday my SO, Alex came up with a serious idea--that we save up money for ourselves and such, even though we both don't have jobs it's pretty possible. We were aiming for Spring Break, that's our goal. Our plan was for I to fly down somehow for that time. Where's the problem, you are asking?

Both of our parents don't want their kid going down, they want the other person coming up. My mom walked in when Alex and I were looking at flights to get an idea of prices and she kinda got upset with me, telling me that there is no way that I am being allowed to go down there to the States, because both my parents think that I'm going to get hurt in some way, which of course is true, and they don't want me going down to meet a family I don't know and haven't met before, therefore, if something goes wrong I'll be stuck. I'm 19. I would be paying for it. And the answer is still no. Which as if any parents themselves is reading this, I get their point. I truly, truly do.
Alex isn't allowed to leave by his parents either. They won't let him leave until his grades are good enough in their standards, which is pretty tough. They were going to let him come here in Spring Break, but they made the decision and told him that he wasn't allowed to go. That was a long night. The problem here, is that they don't want him leaving the same reasons that my parents do--both parents want the other person coming up here.
At this point, I don't really care who goes where. But I think that the only way I would be allowed to go there, or even have my SO acknowledged by my dad (he thinks Alex is VIRTUAL...grrrrr!) Is if my dad meets him, face to face.
I know you're probably thinking get a job Melissa. I'm looking. But in the New Year I'm going to see a Career Counselor and hopefully sign up for school, because the previous career choice I made didn't work out and wasn't for me.
I just...I don't know what to do, I was so upset about this last night, I actually wasn't talking to my mom all that much last night, or anyone else last night. I was kinda just keeping to myself--not wanting to deal with anyone.
I know you're going to see my signature and see that we've only been talking for over 6 months. I know that that isn't a long time, I've been told that before, I just I don't there's a specific time limit people should meet--someone's told me before to wait longer. I've seen people on here meet after 2 months of talking.
I just want a time frame. A date. If Alex does good with school this coming semester, he says his parents will let him go, and he said the earliest would be next summer. And even then, there is no guarantee.
Anyone please, if you've taken the time to read all of this, thank you SO MUCH. It means so much to me. If you have any piece of advice, anything, I'll take it. Anything that would help us in any little way. I feel as though we're stuck in mud, and the only thing we can do is keep time going...and even then there is no guarantee when we can take the first real step in our relationship together.

[PaperbackWriter]

Aw, hun, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Parents can be difficult, can't they

I don't have any advice, but I have hugs! *hug* I hope you get something figured out.

[Andrea]

I'm happy to hear that you say you can understand your parent's point of view....my SO & I are both 41 (we originally met when we were 19 - long story) and we're both parents now (not together though) - I remember there being a lot of struggle way back when & I couldn't see my parent's point of view, but that was part of what eventually tore us apart - we were lucky enough to be able to reconnect after 20ish years & rekindle what we had then. You're in a tough spot & I know it's hard, but I say wait it out, give your parents as much information as you can about him and ask your SO to do the same. They will eventually see that this is "real" and hopefully will become more supportive as time goes on....I wish I had an easy solution for you & I know it's not much...but believe me, you want to have your parents support in this, so try to be patient & I know that's easier said then done. Good luck.

[Silviar]

I would suggest a compromise with the parents - find out if one of them would be willing to accompany their child out to meet the other.

And I don't think there's any shame in wanting to meet after 6 months! You know when your relationship has evolved to the point where you're ready to meet. And meeting doesn't mean the rest of your life. Sometimes I think people pooh-pooh too much at others who want to meet right away - if you have the means, and you're ready, who's to say you can't meet?

I know how frustrating the job search is. Trust me. I have a degree and three years of experience under my belt, which should be putting me at ready to jump to the next level of work - except hiring is still low. It's supposed to pick up in early 2011, but who knows? MY SO just graduated from school, and he's looking for a job - in the same boat as you.

Right now, it feels like your life is shit. I can tell you, as someone who's been there and done that, that you will get it sorted. Let me repeat that - you will get it sorted, and it will work out. I sometimes suspect we get so used to things being one accomplishment after another because of school that when we find that life, especially when you're getting the ball rolling, makes our course zig-zaggy and uncertain that we get frustrated quickly that we don't just go School -> Job -> Everything's dandy. It doesn't go bam-bam-bam all in a row, i takes a lot of maneuvering, especially when you first start.

*hugs* Your hard work will pay off.

[princessmia]

Okay. Thank you both.
Yes, parents can be tough, and I know I have to wait it out...I just wish there was a little bit of light in the tunnel. I'm just asking for a guaranteed season, that's all I'm asking for. I just want to be in his arms, safe..
My mom talks to my SO, my dad has no interest in him and goes around telling my family that I have a virtual boyfriend and he absolutely refuses to talk to him, let alone has no interest whatsoever in him. And the thing is is I don't think my dad will let me go see him until he sees him at least once..and that's if he opens up to him. It sucks because I'd think they'd get along so well too...
Thank you for the hugs and good luck, they're muchly appreciated

And thank you so much Silviar, your words give me hope
We are ready to meet, I just wish they'd see it.

[Silviar]

We are ready to meet, I just wish they'd see it.

So, I can understand where the parents are coming from, but if both sets are unwilling to be flexible, then eventually you may have to stand up to them and say "We're doing it this way. I'm sorry you don't prefer it." And I would firmly and very clearly make an action plan so they know you're safe, such as making sure you call when you get there, call every day or put posts up in places.

I don't believe in disrespecting family, but there comes a time sometimes where you have to say "I'm doing this for me, I'm sorry you don't agree, but I have to try." That's how we grow as people.

[garnet]

When does your bf turn 18? If I were you, I'd wait to meet him until then... I don't know the laws in either of your areas, but if his parents wanted to get nasty, couldn't they use his being a minor against you? It would also be easier for you both to say hey, we are adults and this is what we're doing. Just what I thought when I read your post...
Good luck. I know it's hard when it seems everyone and everything is against what you want. LD is hard enough without extra obstacles.

[Lunar Snow]

Hi.

I skimmed the other responses and, so, hope that this hasn't been said already (I agree with many of the things already said and just wanted to add on something). "This" being that both sets of parents might feel better if they talk to each other--they might realize that this "virtual" person their daughter or son is seeing was born from flesh and blood adults and, therefore, must also be flesh and blood. They can also understand why each group wants the other group's child to come there or not come at all, etc. So, they might just understand that other parents have the same misgivings about their precious child (I say "child," because you and your SO will always be children of your respective parents) and know that their own precious child does not warrant those misgivings and, so, why should the other child? I've grown up with very over-protective parents and they're still over-protective, but I do think it helps sometimes to have a parent conference if there is something that they justly have worries about--it might feel like a bit of control is being taken away, but sometimes on big decisions like this, parents want to feel like they are contributing to the solution (I don't have children, but I know it isn't fun for parents to constantly block things and I do think they would enjoy helping plan something that really is a big deal and possibly making it go more smoothly). However, I will caution that my suggestion has the potential of back-firing and having both sets of parents agree that a visit isn't okay. That was just a bit of a downer, but you know your parents better than I do (edit: and now I see you have posted that your mom talks to your SO, so she could serve as an advocate) and can sense out how they would react--for option number one, I am going on the assumption that both sets of parents won't agree on everything, but will agree on the important things.

[princessmia]

He turns 18 in the end of June. That is another thing too.
It's just having to wait until then..

If I were to go I would want to update as much as possible...I was thinking of even webcamming so they could actually see that I was okay and see how happy i was that they let me go. I don't know.

Unfortunately, I think that our situation cannot be resolved for now, and that the only thing that can change is time. I'm so sick of waiting for us to get somewhere though..it's so frustrating at times. I just wish everyone was on our side..my dad is part of the problem, and I feel guilty for that.

[blankita719]

I don't believe in disrespecting family, but there comes a time sometimes where you have to say "I'm doing this for me, I'm sorry you don't agree, but I have to try." That's how we grow as people.

Agree a million times over...I can't really say it better than that.
As a parent, I'm currently years away from being in this particular situation (my son is only 7), but we do really want to do everything we can to ensure our children don't get hurt. So I understand where they are coming from. But I also remember being your age and ready to live my life the way I pleased. It's a tough spot but I think you've gotten some good advice here. Lots of luck - you'll figure out the right answer

[alx5150]

I feel like we are both strong because we both get the "virtual" thing everyday. My dad doesn't particularly have that view, but he wishes Id take the easier path and find somebody here. I wish he would realize that I'm not stupid, I know there are girls here, I chose what I chose and I'm prepared to face the consequences. I'm not ashamed of my choice. I know exactly what I am getting into it. Our mom's both show interest and are both hoping that we work out, however my mom wants me to make sure I don't throw away my education. She threw away her teenage years when she was kidding by making a decision she regrets and she just wants me to be certain about what I want and making sure I don't get hurt. I don't see Melissa and I ever breaking apart. I can't really see myself with someone else but her. Its just going to take time it looks like, were young so.. its much harder. Next semester in school, Im going to make sure I really do well in school to impress my parents and I think Melissa will be in school or have a job by whenever next year. Im 17, (18 on June 23) and I understand that I'll be 18 and I'll be an adult, but that doesn't mean I can just do anything I want if Im living under their roof. I'm hoping for the best. Thanks for the advice guys