i feeel different

[Dramos99]

well i have some questions just need some advice i guess, 18 months been in this LDR coming in march, i go see her march 12th! im very excited. but i have been having these break downs, past 3 months or so i have been very depressed, and it seems nothing is going right, my band broke up and just losing friends left and right, things are looking more up now a days thou. well me and my so have been getting into fights, ive heard that im not really being man enough. i have been raised by my mom from when i was about 4, and i have seen a therapist once and he said i am trying to be my own man. So questions one: How can i be more of a man in this LDR, i have had a CDR in the past lasted about a year and a half and it was fine i feel like i did a goodjob as a boyfriend. but how can i be more of a man in this LDR. Next issue, i seem to have this jealousy towards my SO, i mean she does awesome things, with her friends, family, leaveing on cool trips doing cool things. i guess i would say im jealous but i get that feeling because my friends family dont do things really and for the past couple of months it has just been school and SO, thats been my life. im an honor student thou so im happy about that. So question two: how can i defeat this jealous feeling, we will call it, when my SO does things, and then questions three would be, how can i not be so sad because i feel like im missing out on things that she is doin, i know its not my fault its not anyones but i still get very depressed when this happens. today i got this when i had a mini break down "i think im falling out of love" killed me but me and my so talkd about this talked about everything and for the rest of the day it was very up and we spend alot of talking today and it was very good.

but my questions!
1.)how can i be more man in this ldr
2.)this jealous feeling when my so does things that i would like to do...
3.)....be there to do it with you and not feel like im missing out and be sad over it?

[aggie]

I don't know how much of a help I can be... but all I can give you is my point of view.

3) Seems to me like she is very active and social, which is good, because keeping busy makes it easier for her. I have been in her position too, well... I kind of still am - i go to uni, i live by myself and i do all the 'cool' stuff and T does cool stuff (well.. stuff i would consider cool), but he doesnt think he does. So our conversations would usually look like me talking about whats been happening and him replying only 'work' or 'footy training'. You need to understand, that by the time you two get together for real, you can't put your life on hold, you should still LIVE it. Because time passes by, and spending it just on WAITING, is 1) depressing, 2)tiring. You really need to learn that... for me it was super-difficult, but i managed to convince myself, that there is things i can do here, without him... even though id love him to be here with me. The point is, the time you're not together is still your relationship time, which shouldn't be spent online, waiting for your SO, every day after classes. You need to understand, theres things you both get a chance to do and its better to use the opportunity, before it goes away, just because you are not with your SO at the time.
Also, try to be happy for her... Be happy that she gets to do all the things, they surely keep her happy while you can't be there to do so.
I suppose this kind of answers Q2 too.

1) You need to know what she meant by being a man though. I had been in LDR before my current one, my then bf seemed to be a perfect bf ever. He came to visit every month (i was way too young for my parents to let me go to us just to see him), he remembered every important date, he was caring and all.... he rang every day to ask how did it go, and he never forgot to tell me he loved me and that he missed me. Well, funnily enough, even though now it seems its all i want from my SO (or sometimes i think so)... it became a reason why i broke up with him. Because he wasn't manly enough for me. We want men to be strong and supportive, to sometimes be romantic and spontaneous, but we don't want them to be jealous. we want them to be happy for us and still stay independent a little. we dont want them to be emotional and clingy all the time... but then again, thats my point of view, and every woman is different... but i believe you know your SO enough to work it out.

Hope you feel better soon and if not before, that you will solve the problems within yourself before the visit. Good luck!

[Tanja]

Your first question... every woman has their own ideal bf image in their heads, some like men that are emotional and romantic, some like men who are macho's and don't show their feelings and do all kind of manly things, some like shy men who need to be lured out of their shell to become more open and confident...

I don't really know what she means by you not being manly enough but just ask her? Maybe she's thinking that if you've been really depressed and emotional for the last 3 months she can't handle it, so she wants you to snap out of it and "be a man" so to speak. Which is what she shouldn't do though cause she should support you when you're feeling down and try to help you overcome those sad feelings. But it's understandable that if it's been going on for very long she might feel really frustrated and helpless cause she can't make you feel better so she's getting angry at you. If you feel like all you do is get into fights when you talk then take a break from talking to her, just a day or 2 or as long as you need and you'll feel much better when you see her again. Also just a day without talking can make you miss her very much and the next time you'll talk you'll be happy cause you're seeing her again. At least it usually works for me and I get sad and depressed quite often.

About the jealousy, I don't have much advice on that since I've never really felt that way but I'd probably try to think of something to do on my own while the SO is doing something with friends. Doing "cool things" means different things to different people - try and think of something you could do that you think is cool and you like doing. I know you love music, play it as often as you can and write songs about how you feel, it's very therapeutical and it helps you with expressing yourself and your feelings and it's a great way to let them out and the best part is other people can benefit from it too. Music is such a beautiful thing

Your 3rd question: I know how you feel (finally ). I used to feel that way a lot, that all I ever do is wait and wait and wait and it's such a wasted time when I could and should be doing things with Andy, we should be together enjoying our lives and living it, not waiting for months and months before seeing each other for a little while and then go back to waiting some more - it's like the waiting never ends.

Well I've got some good news for you: it does end! Eventually. People in a LDR need an incredible amount of patience, strenght of will and faith in their relationship. I bet if you asked ANY of the people on here have they been completely happy all the time they've been in a LDR they would answer NO.

Every couple is inevitably going to have a low point but the only way from there is up! Don't get discouraged by the bumbs on the road. I know it's hard to stay positive, especially if there's a lot of negative things happening in your life as it seems to be right now but when that happens, focus on the little positive things you can see everyday: You're healthy, you've got friends and family who love you, you have an amazing SO who despite the distance loves you, you've got food and a roof over your head... There are so many people in the world who hasn't got any of those things, who live on the streets and beg every day to get a meal. You can concider yourself very lucky for not being one of those people.

My point is, there are going to be bad times but they're nothing compared to the good times. Keep your chin up and enjoy your life, it's too short to be sad ♥

[Mio]

Question 1
I think you should ask her the reasons why she thinks you are not man enough. For every person is different. So when she tells you the direct thing, you can address the issue and solve it. For what you posted I deduct that maybe she feels that you are not embracing your part in this relationship. But if you are depress and not getting any medical help this might be hard to do, after all when you are depress you have no lust to do what you like. Maybe is time to get some help, personally I am thinking of doing it myself soon as there are some issues I have to resolve in my life. Also you can be more proactive in this relationship, try to initiate things. Use the list of things to do from the LFAD site. Surprise her with little details, etc.

Question 2
About the jealousy monster. It's hard to overcome, but you have to change the mentality and be happy that she is able to do good things. And try to think about when in the future you can do this things with her, it will give you something to look forward too! Also you can try to plan something cool to do with your friends and family soon, sometimes things don't have to be super elaborated to be nice, sometimes little things can make your day brighter!

Question 3
I'm sure it must be very hard for you to see her having fun, and then look at you and see you sitting down studying boring subjects and doing nothing out of the routine. But don't be sad boy, be happy. We have to life the life we got, and if we keep on thinking of the things we are "missing out" we won't be able to live our life to the fullest. We have to be content with what we have. I'm sure if you take a good look at your life you will see that there are many beautiful things take make your life better and things that other people wished they had. Make a list, and everytime you think you are missing out on something, think about the list and it will bring a smile to you.

Best wishes boy!

[Irishguy]

Hey mate I can relate with alot of what your saying actully as for some soloutions....not so cure I can help but I'll try!

1. Haha heres a very tricky one. I'm pretty young still at 21 and know I have alot left to learn about women, and no offence to any women here on this site but from what I have seen so far you guys have absoloutly no idea what you want. When I try to be my own man, I;ve been told im being distant, when I try my hardest and expect a girl to do the same I'm being too emotional. So heres my advice mate. Take a stpe back, I know its hard to do when your in this situation but just try to look at everything thats going on from the outside. When you first started dating her would you ahve wanted to become this person? If you looked at yourself before this happend and saw yourself now would you be happy with the person you saw? In my case a couple months back I was having this exact problem. My SO didnt say anything to me but I knew myself that I was being a little clingy and needed to for want of a better expression "man up". So I thought back to before we started going out and what I would ahve thought of the w2ay I was acting or how god forbid if we broke up I would look on this time and to be honest I was embarassed. Sometimes all it takes is a little perspective bud, and a lick in the arse from yourself is going to be much more effective than anything else anyone else can tell you.

2. Again I have suffered and even sometimes still suffer from this problem. Now 9 times out of 10 im fine and it doesnt bother me but If it does I just go and find something, anything to do but most importantly with people or someone. You can try to do something on your own but I find I just keep thinking about her If I do so try to find someone to do something with you!

3. not really sure what your question is here but If i understand it right you are wondering how to deal with trying to not just sit arounmd and wait for her online all day? haha on this one Im not sure I can help at all because honestly I still do this sometimes! luckily my college schedule and hers along with teh 5 hour time difference means that its usually only at night that we can talk so i guess im lucky as that stopes me doing that during the week atleast!

hope this helps!