Worries, Future problems, and is this the end?!

[theitchinc]

So to all my LFAD Friends out there!

Just 2 days ago my SO and I had a serious phone conversation.
He said things like he's been thinking about the future and if I think i think alot, he thinks more than me, definitely!
Cause in his hometown, at his age of 21 (22 in chinese years) they usually are already married with kids already.
As much as he has a older brother thats about to get married already.
He's pretty sure he's parents are gonna soon pester him about marriage soon, even though he told he's parents he don't intend to get married so early since he went to a Capital of his country to work.
He says things like someone like me with such calibre can definitely get a better guy than him. He says we're worlds apart and from different countries. So even if one day we would eventually get married is he coming to Singapore or am I going to China?
And when I say things like I don't mind staying with him no matter what storms we may have to brave through together.
But he says he doesn't want to see me suffer with him in future when I can definitely get a better life with someone else since I live in the city.

Now he said maybe we shouldn't talk everyday.
Cause I call him everynight when he's free after work and everything.
Thats the only time we actually get to talk.
but i'm always the one doing the calling.
I kinda don't mind it.
But now he told me there are certain days he feels so vexed he feels like just hiding from the world and he just doesn't feel like talking to anyone or even picking up my calls
but he have to cause he doesn't want me to get worried.
So now he asked me to try to not call him for as long as I could.
See how I would feel or whether I would still feel the same about him.
And see how we would both feel after not talking together for a long time.

Is this his way of making me forget him?
I'm really scared this is the end.
And that we're just all gonna end like this.
He's not toying my feelings right?!
This was never meant to be a summer fling and we both know it!
I'm not ready to lose him

Have any of you guys experience something like these before?

[lucybelle]

Well I'm sorry to say it, but it sort of sounds like he's heading to break-up land. It's weird to say "wait to see how long you can't call each other" I find that usually guys will say things like "I'm not good enough for you" or "You could do better than me" to sort of let down girls easy. But then again, he's probably right. Don't let him play with your feelings like this, call him and get a definite answer. Is he done with the relationship or is he going to work through these problems with you?

[mllebamako]

I agree with lucybelle. You really need to talk to him and get a straight answer. Even if this doesn't head straight for a breakup that sounds like a painful way to spend your next few months/years always listening to someone tell you that you could find someone better.

[theitchinc]

just to update.
Days before he talked to me i knew he went for some singing and drinking session with his buddies and they chatted about me.
I got to know because i just called his friend today.
That friend told him off cause he said he shouldnt let a girl keep doing all the work and she'll get tired and all so why dont you start doing something about it?
He said he have always love me and till now he is but he's not those expressive type and he really feels he's not good enough for me.
He wants to work hard and come to Singapore to find me but he does not have that ability now.
All he can do is just work really hard and all, at least for now. at least earn enough money just for an air ticket to find me.
He doesn't even have a passport yet. and have yet took a plane.
He said before he would really love to take a plane one day to Singapore
He's friend said maybe cause he's feeling inferior so just give him some time to sort out how he's feeling and he should be fine and all.

what do you think?

[Altessa]

I don't think he wants to break up at all. I think he just got scared by the realisation of all the things he has to do in order to make your relationship a long-term one. Like you mentioned, he has to get a passport, earn enough money, etc. And all that, coming all at once, was abit overwhelming, hence his doubts. As the person who will be making the move in the relationship, I think it's understandable that he feels afraid, apprehensive and unsure if it can be accomplished, because that future all seems so far away.

I agree with his friend, you just need to reassure him that you're not going anywhere, that you are willing to wait for him no matter what, and you will be beside him every step of the way. He's feeling pressured because his friends/family settle down early, but just because both of you aren't settling down RIGHT NOW doesn't mean there isn't a future for the two of you! As long as both of you agree to walk the path together, it doesn't matter if you get married next month or in the next five years. Just take things as they come.

[lucybelle]

Well after reading your update, I would like to change my opinion a bit.

If he's not done a lot of traveling I can definitely see how he could be scared to make a commitment to this sort of relationship. My SO is first moving in with me and is pretty nervous about it. I'm going to move in with him after his visa runs up and I'm just plain excited! The difference between us is I've traveled a lot and it's not a big deal (actually it's quite AWESOME) for me to pack up and start a new adventure in a different country. For him it's a scary change.

Maybe he's feeling this way. Try to support him, and tell him you want to work things out. But don't let him play these "let's not talk for ___ amount of days" games. Those are silly. He needs to be mature about working through his insecurities.

[theitchinc]

Yeah I hope so but he called me a day after he said all that to his friends.
I'm afraid he thought over it and think we wouldnt work out no matter what in the future.
I love him so much I'm so afraid to lose him! I haven't had a proper talk with him in 3 days already.
And its killing me inside!
Should I call him even though he told me to try not calling him for as long as I can?
I really want to hear his voice and all.
I left him a really long offline message yesterday midnight on how I still feel about him and I've been thinking alot
but I guess he's busy and havent got the chance to go online cause till now no replies.
Am I being overly paranoid?

[lucybelle]

No, I think I would do the same exact thing. He might have already seen your message and either decided not to respond, didn't know how to respond, or is taking a few days to respond. In the first stages of my relationship, I would always wait a day or 2 before I responded to emails... not sure why... anyways!

I think you need to get a clear answer from him regarding your relationship and how he feels about it. Tell him YOU want to work it out, but if he doesn't then that has to be that. Relationships involve TWO people. Not just one. He has to be as committed as you are. Tell him you understand if he feels scared, or overwhelmed, and you want to work through that with him. But he MUST be willing to try. One-sided relationships are hard and in the end, not worth it.

[theitchinc]

omg but its already 1am now and i called at 11pm just now and I know he's having a karaoke session with his friends now.
I usually wouldn't ask him to sacrifice get out and talk to me for a while cause he have explained before he works 13 hours a day.
So he only have the night to spend with his friends or even have a life and do the things he have to do like laundry or room packing.
So I wanna be the understanding girlfriend and just let him have his fun. But I want to clear the air as soon as possible.
Cause even now i have a submission tomorrow but I can't concentrate cause he's constantly on my mind!
Can i just call him now?
Or drop it and phone him up tomorrow instead?

[lucybelle]

Call at a reasonable hour tomorrow. When you know he won't be working or with friends.

[theitchinc]

He's schedule sucks!
He is a hairdresser so its difficult to know when he's busy or free.
Just so you know, he wakes up at 9am everyday. Reports for work at 9.30am
lunch and dinner breaks are 11am and 5pm tentatively but its unsure cause I never know when he have a customer or not.
He ends work at 10pm! and in China they do continue taking in customers as long as they're still there which means he sometimes work Overtime till incredibly late in the morning.
I hate those insane customers.
So I usually just call him around 10.30-10.40pm when he "should" be home if he's not having supper with his friends or anything
but sometimes he's showering or he's really tired and just wants to get to bed or he wants to pack the room or do some laundry.
Is he not putting enough effort into this relationship or i'm just expecting too much?

[lucybelle]

That's a real tough schedule. I think it's important for you to give him time to himself and to be understanding. A relationship I had a long time ago, my exSO was sort of lazy and didn't do much. I was in school, plus on the swim team, and was constantly working out or going to class. Any spare moment I had he would want to talk to me, but sometimes I just wanted to SLEEP. It wasn't because I didn't like him, it was because I was freaking tired.

Maybe this is why he's not ready for such a tough relationship. He's already in over his head it seems, and it takes a lot of effort to make an LDR work.

[theitchinc]

Yeah I guess perhaps since he's told me that I don't have to ring him up every other day but I still do so perhaps his best way to give each other space was why he resort to the lets try the lets not call each other for as long as we can thing.
I think i should just let things go a little and not seem like i'm trying to suffocate him yeah?
I always tell him I'm gonna get my 1 month holidays soon so just wait for me alright?!
Then he'll say things like but then you're just gonna leave again right?
Keeps me feeling damn helpless, Its not that I want to leave. I wish I could be with him forever but I still have school for another semester and travelling just ain't that cheap
I'm working very hard and doing part time jobs to save up for the March/April trip I'm planning to see him.
I can't wait to see/hug/kiss him again :'(

[FadedSunrise]

^This.

My SO's a personal trainer, and works something like 2pm to 10pm 6 days a week, with one day a week off. So thus, at least we have mornings, but on the other hand there is a 16 hr time difference, and I'm very easily out during his mornings and can't call him. Especially as school is going to start, I foresee an even greater possibility of this. .____. Its always been said to me to never plan your life around the boyfriend, but I think if I don't do a little planning and giving us priority in my schedule, it's not going to work.

And I totally get you about the trip too. I'm going back to China to visit relatives in the summer, but after that week going to Beijing basically just to be around him. But although I keep telling him that, I can hear from his tone of voice that he's also of the "but you're just going to leave again..." opinion. I don't WANT to leave! AHHH! I don't want to go back and subject myself to LSAT prep classes, law school applications, and the stress of keeping a 4.0 gpa! I just want to forget responsibility, and be happy and around him.

[theitchinc]

yeah, the future seems so vague for us and as much as i try not to think too far we kinda have to plan ahead sometimes especially when this is LD.
Both he and I don't see why we should waste each other's time and end up not marrying each other or sometime like that.
But I believe i see a future with him. He's hardworking and though I'm kinda lazy I believe I have the brains to work something out.
So why would he think I'll suffer with him in future?
Maybe Life wouldn't be as fantastically great as it should be but at least it would be normal and not BADDDDD
I'm really afraid to lose him and all.

Well maybe if we happened to go back to Beijing around the same up we can catch up or something over coffee!
I would totally love to meet people who knows how I feel cause my friends are there to support me to a certain extend but they find this relationship so dodge-y
I can't blame them. Its like I fell for someone I never imagine i would as while. so I understand why they're still in a state of shock i guess?