A crappy day

[Swederica]

After waking up to a horrible headache I began my slow journey through today. It's been a mix of happy and sad. My girlfriend went to a dinner with her friends so for the second day in a row I've been basically left alone. After taking tylenol I felt somewhat better, but it wasn't until 6pm I felt strong enough to start with my math homework that would end up taking two hours to get through. After that I waited for my girlfriend to get home so we would be able to talk. All day I'd been getting more and more frustrated thanks to my headache, but I waited patiently for her to get home. When she did she started writing on an OP which she have to read for her class on tuesday. She wanted me to read the draft while she got ready. The OP was about that dinner and how she and her friends had been talking about going to Europe for a trip summer next year. That made my emotions flush out, all the frustration my headache had piled up was unleashed and I started crying. I'm still in the process of adjusting to life here after 5 months. I've been looking at my bankaccount and stated that my money is running short and been worrying about the next loan and when that would come.
I gave my entire life for her and to be able to live here. The only reason I'm studying right now is because of my girlfriend. This came with prices though. I'm extremely paranoid thanks to a few mistakes she made when I was in the middle of moving here. I have a hard time when she's with guys. Fortunately she don't have any guy friends and has been telling me several times that she doesn't need any. She's promied me countless of times that she would do anything for me, just like I did for her. Well until tonight.
I still don't have any friends here, well except for my girlfriend. That has made me very sensitive when it comes to how much time she spends on her friends. I don't have any problems with the fact that she spends time with her friends, I just want to be informed ahead. She also got a tendency to forget plans we've made when she's making plans with her friends and then it's me who have to forget my plans. That part makes me a bit cranky as well as her constant tendency to disappoint me rather then her friends. When she's with her friends I can't call her or text her. She won't reply. When she's with me she almost tries to hide the fact that she sees me at all and jump on txting back if her friends txt her.

Now the prospect of spending a month alone in a country I moved to just for her while she runs of with her friends is not one that I enjoy very much. Even if it's almost a year ahead I can't help thinking about it in my current state of mind. I of course got very sad that she had forgotten all about me when she made that plan and told her that that made me very sad. She in turn got mad at me for not understanding that she wants to go on that trip. She further said that she is tired of being restricted by me and that everything she does seem to upset me in any form or way. Now I have a few reasons to get upset. She didn't tell me about the dinner plans until the very night before. Once again she also skipped a whole day of homework to hang out with her friends, something that would be impossible to do for me. Also I got upset today thanks to the previously mentioned headache.
She further claimed that she needed guy friends all of a sudden. That she thought they are cool and stuff. All that just broke my heart to very small pieces. Just a few days earlier she had a dinner with her friends and a guy which had had a crush on her earlier, which she knew about for a long time but refused to tell him that she was "taken", which I decided I would be strong through and stop being paranoid and be happy for her. So I did and worked hard and was happy for her. But now it felt that the challenges was piling up way too fast. It was too stressful.

She said she was sorry that she wanted to have a life and that I didn't understand how it was and why she wanted to be with her friends. I immediately responded that no I don't because I gave up all my friends and family for her. To which she replies that yeah but in the end that was your decision. I asked her if she remembered all the times she said that she would do anything for me and us. She said that she didn't know it would mean that she had to restrict herself that much.

Overall this day sucked. The words she said and the harshness in her tone made me fall to pieces. It was so unlike her to be this mean and selfish. I understand if I'm too restricting or that I always seem to have something to complain on but I go through alot of crap everyday just for her. I try to change but I have so much challenging me all the time.


I also asked her earlier today why she was more eager to disappoint me then her friends. To which she replied that it was because she knew I would love her no matter what. Then I asked who she loved the most in the whole world, and what meant most to her, her friends or me. To both she said "you". The question that followed was "Why do you treat the one you love and means most to you like that?" to which I still haven't gotten an answer.

[LadyMarchHare]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry.

Honestly to me it sounds like she wants to still act like you two are miles away or that she's single instead of appreciating you moved away from a whole country, your family, and your comforts to be near her. Can I ask if this is her first real relationship? Because it sounds like any dating she's done before was either very casual or nonexistent. Yes there are compromises in a relationship, but she should have known that by now. I don't like the way she's acting about that at all, it makes me mad that she's pulling such childish stunts as "you restrict me" and so on. And the texting? Tell her flat out to put the phone away because if she can ignore it for friends then she can ignore it for you. No other conversation is that important. If you have a phone, physically pull it out and turn it off in front of her and ask her to do the same. It's common courtesy.

As for the trip, I can understand her wanting to go as it's an "adventure" but she should have thought about you too as you're now and active part of her life. You don't have friends there yet and she'd be leaving you alone. She either could have invited you along or postponed the trip until you were more settled and could be fine without her. I'm sure she loves you very much, she's just doing a crappy job at showing it right now.

[KiwiLove]

I just read your treat and it made me stop at the last part when your SO said " I know you you would love me no matter what" which I think its nice she said that but like you wrote the whole thing it doesnt sound like she was really nice to you. I mean I would react just like you when I moved to another country and then she wants to spend more time with her friends than with you. Of course you two cant be together 24/7 but you moved to her, right? For her!
I think I would ask her to have a conversation together. Just you two and then you can tell her how you feel and maybe it makes her think how she would feel in another country at her SOs home whilst he is out with friends.
Good luck

[Swederica]

Thanks for your quick response.

Yeah she's up to a lot. She constantly wants to make everyone happy, even though I know that it's impossible to do because no matter what you do you end up hurting someone.

It is her first serious relationship, as well as my first relationship.
I can completely understand if she feels restricted. Basically I think it's all in that she feels that no matter what she does she does everything wrong. That is not true however and I'm sorry she feels that way. The problem I have is that she got a tendency to plan stuff without really thinking and do stuff without really telling me about it. Sometimes she think she's told me but in reality she haven't. I'm the one she spends most time with and I'm trying so hard to get better at every aspect. I don't enjoy those days where she's busy all day and the time I get to talk to her is the few minutes before she falls asleep. She's also very scared of people's opinion about her will change. The she feels she need to keep up an image of being so pure and innocent and don't want her friends to feel that she's neglecting them.
I believe the mistakes she do and the issues we have would be far less if she just calmed down and thought things through before jumping on board of them. It's by far not only her fault. I take alot of the blame too. Everyday I wish that I could be stronger or not as sensitive. I'm working so hard all the time to make her happy and make everything here work.
I suppose it was in the end my decision to move here but she was still the one supporting it. She wanted me to move here so I found it extremely selfish of her to say that it was my decision and in a tone that said "It's not my fault you moved here and you can't blame for it. You can't expect me to sacrifice for you".

[LadyMarchHare]

To me, from what I've read, it sounds more like she's thinking, but only of herself and the people she thinks matter more in her life whether because they've been there longer or she's shallow enough to still be caught in that opinion circle. She may be trying, I can't say for sure as I'm not there and I'm not her, but it just sounds like you're putting forth all the effort and whatever effort she makes is miniscule in comparison and then she cries because she thinks it's a big deal and you're not satisfied with it.

KiwiLove may have the right idea in talking to her, especially about that conversation where she said it was your decision to move here in such a way that she was trying to take blame from herself for your unhappiness. You did it because you love her and she's not exactly giving you much back, it seems.

[Swederica]

I know she's done one big thing for me atleast. She stopped playing volleyball because it was far too time consuming combined with school and everything else.
I always end up defending her in some way. She's a wonderful girl who cares alot about me. But she got some weird thoughts about relationships. She do hate to disappoint her friends as previously mentioned.
You're both probably right in most things you say. I will have to talk to her tomorrow about everything really.
She called me back just recently and said that she couldn't fall asleep and that she was sorry for everything and sorry that she always mess everything up. That she's sorry for causing me so much pain. She also said she got frustrated because everything seemed to her fault all the time.
I of course told her that that wasn't true and defended her as much as I could and took all the blame for most things, don't know why I do that.

Another thing I've noticed is that it's very much like she's trying to have two worlds separated from eachother. Me in my bubble and her friends in another. I very rarely get invited to things she does with her friends because she claims that would be awkward and that I don't know anyone there. But then again it's hard for me to know anyone if I never get the chance to get to know them. That is mainly the reason she was die-hard on not inviting me to the europe trip. She said it would be weird if someone's boyfriend joined them. I can't see why. When me and my friends made a trip to germany one of my friends girlfriend tagged along. It was nothing weird about that. I hadn't met her before but it didn't stop me from having fun with my friends.
Besides it would be easy for me to tag along as a European Union citizen. No visas required. As well as it's my home continent, I would be able to give great advice on where to go or on what's worth time seeing.

[Rugger]

How are you going to make friends if she doesn't you? I always invited my boyfriend when I went out with my friends, because I wanted him to make new friends and meet people. If they are my true friends, they want me to be happy, and he makes me happy. It's unfair of her to expect you to be in a bubble away from her friends. Maybe she is scared that once you see her friends and become friends with them, you will fall for one of them?

If I were you, I would start exploring the area. Go to book stores, coffee shops and bars. Meet people and make friends of your own. No one ever said you had to be friends with her friends. You can have your own.

[Swederica]

Hmm that's true. I'm a crappy friend-maker though.
I made a few friends at the school I'm going to last semester. Unfortunately each and single one was international student and they all moved back to their home countries.

[lucybelle]

I'm going to be the odd man out here...

Okay so this is what I'm seeing here. I think she's feeling a little smothered, and I think you're really lonely. I don't think you should bring up "I left my home, family and friends for you" because I feel like you're sort of holding it over her head. I know that was a huge sacrifice you made, but YOU made it. It's done. Don't bring it up anymore.

What you need to do is go out and make a life for yourself. You've been there for 5 months. Go make some friends. And the excuse "I'm not good at making friends" is not a good excuse. Do you want to be miserable waiting for her every day? No. Go make friends! I suggest you look up some type of group meetings that you're interested in. Do you like art? Find an art group. Do you like sports? Join a sports team. Try to find somewhere to volunteer. Or look into tutoring at your school. That way you can make some money under the table. You can't and shouldn't rely on just her. Think about any other relationship. You have your own friends, the girl has their own friends. You don't always want her around while with your group. And she doesn't always want you around.

Are you two living together? Or just close?

[mllebamako]

Hmm that's true. I'm a crappy friend-maker though.
I made a few friends at the school I'm going to last semester. Unfortunately each and single one was international student and they all moved back to their home countries.

I think the problems stem a bit from both of you: her not adjusting enough of her life now that you are living in the same place AND you not having enough of your own life there. I know it's hard to meet new people. But using a site like https://www.meetup.com/ is a great way to meet people with the same interests as you.
I know how it is, I had a really hard time making my own friends/my own hobbies when I lived in my SOs country. But I had to force myself to find a few acquaintances and a class I could join. I didn't want to drive him crazy by needing him around all the time.
But she should definitely include you in her life anymore; invite you to some things with her friends but not ALL the time. She needs some things away from you as well.

Hopefully you guys can talk and come to a compromise where you both can make small changes to improve the situation.

[Stina83]

I agree with some of the others here. I definitely think she should include you more in her life. It isn't fair of her to spend all her time with her friends and just leaving you home alone. She should invite you out much more than she does, and she should realize how hard it is to start a life in a new country, and that in fact you HAVE given up everything for her. I think the way she acts is incredibly selfish, and she should help you as much as she can - a good way would be to invite you out with her more so you can get to know people. It honestly makes me a little mad to read that she never does, that's just not fair of her at all.
That being said, I agree with the others. You HAVE to make your own friends there too. Join a class or a club, do some volunteering or whatever you like. Just meet people. They might not become friends right away, but just feeling like you have a life of your own too will make a big difference for you. If there keeps being this kind of strain on the relationship, it can actually ruin it. It sounds like in some way you are smothering her a little. I don't think she's acting very understanding or helpful towards you at all though, but it truly is important that you start creating your own life there as well. Good luck And maybe you two should sit down and have a talk about these things. Try and have a talk without blaming each other all the time, just talk about what can be done here and hear each other out.

[Swederica]

I'm going to be the odd man out here...

Okay so this is what I'm seeing here. I think she's feeling a little smothered, and I think you're really lonely. I don't think you should bring up "I left my home, family and friends for you" because I feel like you're sort of holding it over her head. I know that was a huge sacrifice you made, but YOU made it. It's done. Don't bring it up anymore.

What you need to do is go out and make a life for yourself. You've been there for 5 months. Go make some friends. And the excuse "I'm not good at making friends" is not a good excuse. Do you want to be miserable waiting for her every day? No. Go make friends! I suggest you look up some type of group meetings that you're interested in. Do you like art? Find an art group. Do you like sports? Join a sports team. Try to find somewhere to volunteer. Or look into tutoring at your school. That way you can make some money under the table. You can't and shouldn't rely on just her. Think about any other relationship. You have your own friends, the girl has their own friends. You don't always want her around while with your group. And she doesn't always want you around.

Are you two living together? Or just close?

Thanks for an opposite viewpoint.

I am really lonely yes. I've been through hell and back to be able to get here at all.
It may not be fair to bring that up, but on the other hand every time I ask her to do something for me she tells me that I'm being really unfair and that I can't ask that off her. Besides that was not really all I gave up for her. I literally devoted my future for her by going to this college. I could've just stayed in the tuition-free school we have back in Sweden but I took student loans and everything in order to get here. And she was as much part of my decision. Sure it was my decision but if she wasn't read for that or for the consequences then she could've avoided telling me I should do it and that she will support me. She should perhaps not have said that I was her life and that I meant everything to her and that I was all she needed, if that wasn't true.
And that is not an excuse, it's just the truth. I'm extremely shy and have a decent hard time to get comfortable with people. I'm also not miserable every day. Most days fly by like nothing and I have no problems with them.
The problem with that thing about my own friends is that I would have no problem with having her around my friends. In Sweden all my friends knew eachother and everyone was friends with everyone. If someone's girlfriend came along and wanted to be part of the group then no problem. Same thing. I asked one of my swedish friends over skype about the scenario of us planning a trip and me taking Katelyn with me and he just said "Awesome, that would be no problem at all". However I'm starting to feel like me and my friends are unique in that sense. Or maybe it's just a swedish thing idk.
Sure all this is not an excuse for not getting a life of my own over here. 5 months may seem like a long time. But it's been 5 months of constant fighting to improve myself and the post-move issues and extreme stresses I've had. I will join two clubs whenever the spring semester starts and do my best to make new friends. I never said I was quitting or just lying back taking every kick I can. However I am getting tired of fighting battles that are harder then they have to be.
We are living fairly close.

[Stina83]

I definitely think you need to talk to her, like I said before. You need to tell her (in an un-blaming way, bc that might make her defensive) how you feel, how hard it is to move to another country, and how you don't understand that you can't be around her friends. What is she so afraid or ashamed of? Tell her that it's hurts you.
It's definitely not a Swedish thing. I know I'm from Denmark which isn't so far away from Sweden, but it's the same way here. However, when I'm in the States with my bf he always takes me along with him, if he has a friend thing to go to. And all the other gf's come along too, so it's nothing unique.

[Swederica]

I agree with some of the others here. I definitely think she should include you more in her life. It isn't fair of her to spend all her time with her friends and just leaving you home alone. She should invite you out much more than she does, and she should realize how hard it is to start a life in a new country, and that in fact you HAVE given up everything for her. I think the way she acts is incredibly selfish, and she should help you as much as she can - a good way would be to invite you out with her more so you can get to know people. It honestly makes me a little mad to read that she never does, that's just not fair of her at all.
That being said, I agree with the others. You HAVE to make your own friends there too. Join a class or a club, do some volunteering or whatever you like. Just meet people. They might not become friends right away, but just feeling like you have a life of your own too will make a big difference for you. If there keeps being this kind of strain on the relationship, it can actually ruin it. It sounds like in some way you are smothering her a little. I don't think she's acting very understanding or helpful towards you at all though, but it truly is important that you start creating your own life there as well. Good luck And maybe you two should sit down and have a talk about these things. Try and have a talk without blaming each other all the time, just talk about what can be done here and hear each other out.

Over the course of 5 months I've been invited to two ice-skating sessions and met her friends a few times all casual after school. But when that happens it's a bit like I don't exist anymore. And I mean in that sense that she doesn't even look at me and can't even think the thought of hugging me even when someone she knows is nearby. They know I'm her boyfriend but she still wants to show them that we don't act like we are.
I know I have to make friends. I've been working on it. I got a really close friend last semester, Swedish studying in the same class as me, that I connected with. Of course he returned to Sweden and disappeared along with basically all other people I've met or gotten to know. Most of the time last semester I was feeling all right and the weeks flowed on perfectly.
Oh and on the talking about these things. We always talk about everything so we will definitely go through every part of this too.
I've also asked her a few times if she felt that I was suffocating or smothering her to which I've gotten a no every time.

[Swederica]

I definitely think you need to talk to her, like I said before. You need to tell her (in an un-blaming way, bc that might make her defensive) how you feel, how hard it is to move to another country, and how you don't understand that you can't be around her friends. What is she so afraid or ashamed of? Tell her that it's hurts you.
It's definitely not a Swedish thing. I know I'm from Denmark which isn't so far away from Sweden, but it's the same way here. However, when I'm in the States with my bf he always takes me along with him, if he has a friend thing to go to. And all the other gf's come along too, so it's nothing unique.

Good to know it's not a unique thing. I will definately talk to her about those things. It's been confusing me for a while.
It took about 2 weeks after I moved her until she very reluctantly changed her relationship status on facebook. And even then she removed the post so it wouldn't show up on anyone's newsfeed. Just a week ago she constantly removed tags on herself in pictures of her and me so it wouldn't show up on newsfeed and stuff. She almost died when she put up a picture of us kissing and guess what? Could not for her life let herself be tagged in it. I know that's just facebook but it's in that way our relationship goes when it comes to her friends.