Marriage?

[Stina83]

You're all right. Thanks for all the input guys I decided I'm going to bring it up next time we see each other in person, don't really want to talk about it over the phone, and sadly my SO's webcam is broken right now. So I'm probably going to wait, unless it comes up naturally in conversation lol.

[Stephanieeee]

Me and my man went through this, and we decided that..hey, we're in love, we're gonna get married anyway. Just because you're doing it for a purpose other then love, doesn't exactly mean that you're not doing it out of love and romance either. I found the fact that he would marry me tomorrow for the purpose of me being with him extremely romantic. It just shows the commitment he is willing to get into to have you there with him.
We got engaged for this purpose a month or so ago and I couldn't be happier with my decision.

[Riyko]

I thought a tourist visa to the States was only 3 months?

I think the length of time depends on what country you're coming from for instance I have a friend from Venezuela and my ex who is from Chile. My ex can stay for 6 months in the US with his tourist visa where as my friend from Venezuela can only stay for 3 months on his tourist visa.

[Mizpah]

I don't think it's childish at all. Bring it up one night, and tell him how you feel. Also, rings don't have to be expensive--that years of De Beers propaganda that make people think that--so it doesn't necessarily have to be a long time unless he/you/both of you want it to be. I know of people who have simply married at the JOP and left it at that, because getting married is about the marriage and bond, not the show. I have known people who got married then had a renewal (aka wedding) later. My husband and I got legally married at the JOP that just so happened to be at the local Detention Center with a couple friends as witnesses then went to the island where he proposed and has a private ceremony where we exchanged vows we had written ourselves and rings. We had cupcakes instead of cake, our "reception" at a local restaurant, and our honeymoon at a hotel for the weekend. I too thought it would be nice to have a wedding/renewal later. Now, I don't feel the need at all. We're married, our elopement was fun and beautiful, my friend took amazing photos, and we wouldn't change a thing

[Stina83]

Mizpah: Thank you so much for telling me your story! It really seems like most of LDR's lead to marriage by a joint decision, and that makes me happy lol I still want him to ask though, maybe partly because I know he wants that too (he's somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to these things), but I'm also really impatient, hehe. I JUST want to marry him already, because I know it's probably going to take forever too for the visa process to go through.. so we might as well expect another year before everything is settled.

[Dziubka]

My boyfriend and I decided the date (well, so far year and month) together.
We sort of always knew that we're going to get married, have children and be a family. I said I wanted a winter wedding and since he's from a very catholic country and getting married during lent would be next to impossible, it pretty much leaves January. Then we figured when we'll realistcally close the distance - and voila -> the year.
That doesn't mean that I'm not waiting for a 'real' proposal and a ring, though. I tell him all the time that if he wants to marry me he has to ask me before and he will.
It's all about the gesture. Obviously he already knows that I want to marry him so it does seem sort of redundant 'really propose', but it's still nice and romantic. (I mean, we all tell your SOs all the time that we love them, even though they know that... It makes them happy).

[Stina83]

Thank you for your response Dziubka
Ok, so I just emailed him and told him that I want to talk to him about something. So I'm going to bring it up on Saturday when we have our next computer day.. even though his webcam is broken right now, so can't really see him But I'm still going to discuss it with him then. Find myself being really nervous already, donno why. He already brought it up once, but still nervous lol. Wish me luck!

[Mizpah]

Mizpah: Thank you so much for telling me your story! It really seems like most of LDR's lead to marriage by a joint decision, and that makes me happy lol I still want him to ask though, maybe partly because I know he wants that too (he's somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to these things), but I'm also really impatient, hehe. I JUST want to marry him already, because I know it's probably going to take forever too for the visa process to go through.. so we might as well expect another year before everything is settled.

I think it's important to receive a proposal, so I understand that entirely. I am not a high maintenance girl, but when my ex "proposed" to me when I was eighteen by mumbling in the grocery store, I was not thrilled. Even though I expect my husband's proposal since we had discussed marriage, went ring shopping together, and he's not good at keeping secrets it was still a surprise in the moment and was so beautiful. I don't think a proposal needs to be extravagant or super thought out, but I do think how one proposes to someone shows how they feel on a deeper level. Oh boy! I understand about the super impatient thing too. Aaron and I hadn't even been together that long by calendar standards, but I knew he was going to propose sometime in the near future. However, I was pretty dang impatient about it, not that he knew! haha. Ugh...Visas. I feel for you. I have never had to got through that,m thankfully, but know quite a few people who have. Best wishes

[Stina83]

Thanks for sharing So glad it worked out for you two. You are such a cute couple Yeah I agree about the proposal. I'm just afraid I've taken the romance out of it now..
So I actually talked to him about it today. I told him I wanted to talk to him about something on Saturday when we have our next skype date, and he got all anxious and on edge about what I was going to say. So I felt like I had to tell him right away. Didn't want him to think I was breaking up or anything like that So I told him, and I don't know what he thinks.. he says he wants to marry me, he already knows that, but he feels that it takes the romance out of it, and I kind of feel that he's right.. I donno what I want anymore. Well, I want him to propose with a ring next time we see each other, but he thinks the ring needs to be expensive, even though I told him that I don't need that, actually don't want that. Just don't see the point. I just want a ring. My SO is broke, he's always broke. So I know I'd have to wait forever for him to get a ring for me and ask.
I just don't see the point of being miserable and apart when we don't have to. At the same time, I don't want to rush into things, and don't want to force him. He ended up saying that it's not a bad idea, but in some way it feels wrong for him to do it like that. So I think he's both ways about it now.. Ugh. Kinda sorry I brought it up at all

[Mizpah]

Thanks I was worried we had taken the romance out of it too, but let me tell you, in that moment the surprise and romance are there. We have a wonderful memory and proposal story despite the fact we knew we would be married that summer. Aaron had some "mini-proposals" leading up the the actual one. They were sweet, thoughtful, perfect but he was so hard on himself. He wanted it to be so perfect, and wanted to have the perfect ring, before he actually proposed so I understand what you're dealing with in that respect. I think you just need to tell him that you meant it when you said you didn't want or need an expensive ring, that you would much rather be with, and married to, him sooner than wait all that time. If Aaron and I had to wait to be together for a ring, I wouldn't see it as a symbol of commitment and love, but what kept us separated for all that unnecessary time. Besides, the ring you have now doesn't necessarily have to be the ring you have later, especially if you are serious about having a later renewal/wedding.
Definitely make sure that neither of you feel rushed, and let things fall into place as they will. I am sure everything will work out for you two. And don't worry so much about the romance thing...LDRs are hard, and get romanticized all the time, and they actually are pretty romantic by nature. However, we often have to forfeit a lot of the romance CD couples take for granted to be together, or at the phase in our lives/relationship that we want to be. That's not bad, or wrong. It just shows what you're made of.

[Stina83]

Thank you Mizpah, it's actually quite comforting to hear from someone else that it doesn't take the romance out of things to do it that way.
I talked to my SO again last night and then he was saying how he thinks we should start the paperwork process the next time we see each other, go ring shopping and so on. All of a sudden he was all for it and trying to make plans. I personally don't think he's ready though, and you're right, there should be absolutely no rush in something like this. However, we're an international couple and the process of getting married and getting visas will take months anyway, so that's another reason why I was kinda thinking that we should start the whole process soon. I just can't face several years of this whole thing, before anything is going to happen, you know?
I know his family is going to be so angry if we do this. His family is another problem, that I worry about sometimes, because I know they would think that we're being crazy and irrational, and I don't think they see us as two adults.