All you need is love?

[Rosebud]

I'm a planner. Plain and simple, I need things to be planned out. I like checklists I can follow and make sure things are going to schedule. And even when things don't follow the plan I need to know there's still a path I can attempt to go back to. My plan right now is really shaky and it scares me. When all my friends are graduating I still have two yeas of school left in a major I still hven't decided on for a career I don't know if I really want. It's not a good plan, but at least it's something and I have to hold onto it.

My boyfriend is not a planner. He's got a ton on his plate with work, family and school that he's working through, but there's no plan there. For the most part this difference was never too much of a bother for us. That is until just recently when I realized how much it scares me that he doesn't have one.

I attempted to try to work something up for him, that we could discuss and see if he would like it, but I unfortuntely chose the worst time in which to bring it up which resulted in a less than nice conversation from which I am still recovering. We never truly resolved this issue of having no plan and I am afraid now of ever bringing it up again lest it lead us into yet another arguement. I don't know what to do.

I don't know if I'm looking about this all the wrong way. That I should have faith in the strength of our love and focus instead on the absolute here and now and know that with time we will somehow be together and make it works once that happens. Is it true that all I really need is love? Or do I need to go back to my plan, attempt once again to present my ideas to him and see if something can't be worked out. And if then, what if something really can't be worked out because our lives are just too much up in the air to try to direct it at this point?

Please...help?

[Mara]

You sound a lot like me and your SO sounds a lot like my SO.

I don't like surprises, I don't like not having control, and I especially don't like when things don't go according to my plan. I've always made plans for my life and I am pretty good about sticking to them until some outside force comes along and ruins all of my plans and then, I get a tad...'cranky'.

My SO has this que sera, sera take on life. He has plans, but nothing too far into the future and nothing too concrete. It has driven me absolutely nuts from the beginning because I'm the sort of person that a month in advance is like okay, we are going to do such and such on such and such date.

What I've learned in our relationship, as with all relationships, is there has to be a bit of compromise especially when it comes to our joint future seeing as how he plans nothing and I want to plan everything. We're somewhere in the middle now with him planning a bit more simply for my peace of mind and me trying not to freak out if things don't go according to my plan or even if we don't have a plan.

[LostInLove]

I am absolutely the same way. I spent a lot of time earlier this year freaking out because I had no plan for what to do with my degree. And it's at a point now where I've come up with 3 options for me and The Boy should we work out in the long run depending on who moves where and what masters work I'll need to do, and I doubt he's even thought about it. :P

I think there's nothing wrong with starting to discuss it. I mean, unless you're planning to close the distance relatively soon I don't think you need to push an in-depth discussion and plan it out to the letter, but there's certainly things you both need to be on the same page about. For example, are you both willing to move, or is one of you unable/unwilling to? Do you have similar timelines for when you want to be together? These are important questions.

That said, planning everything and then just asking him if he likes it may be a little intimidating. It should be something the two of you work on and decide together. So I'd say wait for things to calm down a bit, and then approach it slowly and get lots of input from him. But don't make all the decisions for him, and then ask yes or no.

If the timing really isn't right, maybe focus on your own plan for a while and get things sorted out there first to give your SO some time to wrap his head around everything (but let him know you'd like to talk about it in the near future). I know you don't know what you want to do, but if you know what interests you then you can volunteer places, job shadow, talk to your advising office, and start narrowing down your options. Figure out if your going to need extra schooling or if you can work right after you graduate, because that will probably affect your ability to close the distance as well. If you're like me (and I think you are), it should help you to be doing ANYTHING to work towards having a more solid idea about what you want to do in the future.

Hope this helps!

[Rosebud]

I think there's nothing wrong with starting to discuss it. I mean, unless you're planning to close the distance relatively soon I don't think you need to push an in-depth discussion and plan it out to the letter, but there's certainly things you both need to be on the same page about. For example, are you both willing to move, or is one of you unable/unwilling to? Do you have similar timelines for when you want to be together? These are important questions.

Well to be honest all these worries mostly started to brew in my mind when he told me he thought he could really try to move in with me by this time next year. We've been long distance for so long and perhaps it would be more bearable if we saw each other more than once a year, but we don't. We have absolutely no time together and it's frustrating me more than ever. I had always thought we'd agreed that he'd be the one to move here as the few times I offered to move there he said no. This is something I also now found to be false when we had our less than pleasant conversation so now I'm very confused. Even if we can't figure out a way to move in together within a year I would still find it much more bearable if I could at least see him more than once a year for just 3 days.

But I'm venting now. These were some of the things I tried to bring up with him but I think I just get so exasperated with it all that it just comes off as my being angry with him.

[LostInLove]

Ah, yeah that's tough then. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to talk about it. Sorry that he's being so difficult.

Maybe when things have blown over you can ask him if you two can talk about closing the distance because you'd just like to see where you stand on the situation. If you come across as wanting information rather than wanting to plan it, perhaps he'll be a bit more receptive to talking about it? Not sure if this helps.

[Moon]

I'm not a big planner, I tend to plan very loosely and let things go how they go, and it works for me. I think if you were to try making up some sort of life plan for me, I'd be pretty resentful of it, so I understand why your SO was less than receptive. That being said, something like beginning to figure out how to close the distance is an exception. Trying to plan a way to see each other for more than 3 days a year is what you two should be doing!

Love is nice, but you need more than that, you need to know if the relationship you're in can actually work! I'd let the dust settle for a few weeks, be patient about it, then approach it again in a different way. Don't say plan, or make it seem like your mapping his life out for him, or anything. Tell him that you love and miss him and you need more than a few days a year, and ask him what her thinks about that. Just go from there and don't be afraid to see where the conversation will go on its own. Good luck.

[lucybelle]

I hate to just say it like this, but no, love is not enough. I have broken up with a guy before because we were in different places in our lives, not because I stopped having feelings for him. My sister and her SO might break up for the same reason. They love each other, but have two different life paths.

Just let him know you really want to know where the relationship is going. You've been together for a long time, and seeing each other 3 days a year is NOT enough. You need something to look forward to. You want to know what his future plans are so that you can see if you match up. That is really really important.

[Silviar]

Agreed with moon 100%

[Karringtyn]

I hate to just say it like this, but no, love is not enough. I have broken up with a guy before because we were in different places in our lives, not because I stopped having feelings for him. My sister and her SO might break up for the same reason. They love each other, but have two different life paths.

Just let him know you really want to know where the relationship is going. You've been together for a long time, and seeing each other 3 days a year is NOT enough. You need something to look forward to. You want to know what his future plans are so that you can see if you match up. That is really really important.

Beautifully said.

((((Rosebud)))))

[Rosebud]

Thank you all for your thoughts. And I must be doing something wrong because no matter what I say or do all my friend/family/people here seem to think I am trying to control my boyfriend and giving him no say at all. Please understand that is NOT what I'm doing. I know he's having some difficulties in figuring out how things are going to turn out even a year from now, much less a few years down the line and that really scares me. So I looked into some options that I thought he perhaps hadn't considered as of yet and what I had hoped to do was present them to him and see if any of them interested him or he thought he could work with any of them. He doesn't HAVE to follow any of my options if he doesn't want to, I'm not sitting here yelling at him to choose. I think I'm giving off that impression somehow to people when I've never made him do anything he doesn't already want to do and it's starting to become really upsetting to me that I give off the vibe of an over-controlling girlfriend who has her boy completely whipped.

[Riyko]

I think it's great that you have a plan with your life, I used to until I met my ex, I knew exactly what I wanted and I had everything planned out (when I want to get married, where i want to live, when to buy a house, what career to work in ect) as well as a back up plan in case that plan didn't work out. My ex never had a plan with what he wanted to do and he was always just about going with the flow of things because you can't control what will happen and when it will happen (we've switched roles he's now planning his life and i'm very go with the flow on what happens).

Anyways, while it's good you know what you want with your life and that you want your SO's life to be organized and him to have a plan, in reality you can't make him have a plan if he doesn't want one, you can suggest it to him and say you'd be willing to help him out. In the end it's up to him and if he decides to have a plan or not you have to make the decision on if your ok with him going with the flow of his life. If you ever get married you'll have to compromise on that, but for now you should both keep with things how they are and if he decides to go with a plan then that's good too.

Believe me I know you're not trying to control him, you would just like to have an idea of what his plans are for the future and for you guys. I hope I stayed on point and topic with my post and i understood well enough what you we're talking about.