Need Some Advice

[Sarah9908]

Me and my SO are very close. He and I share everything together and he's managed to break down every single wall I put up in life trying to protect myself from being hurt. Recently, my SO's schedule has changed drastically. I'm a home-schooled Senior and he's going to community college (Freshman year) which he just started. So his schedule has changed drastically with college, work, and other priorities whereas I have the same boring old life. I get to see him on skype and hear his voice for maybe 30 minutes each night (compared to the 4-6 hours I got to see him each day prior to this), so these first couple weeks have been really tough for me. I've finally adjusted to the change, but another problem seems to have come.

I'm missing my SO like CRAZY. I see him each night but it's not the same. If I'm lucky, occasionally I can have his undivided attention for a few minutes, but it seems that the less we see each other, the more I begin to shut down and the less interested he seems to be. He gets irritated at things much more quickly and.. I miss his sweet side. Before college was added to his schedule, he was always sweet and romantic and always wrote me sweet little messages telling me how he feels and how much he loves me. Those have since stopped and I don't really see the romantic man in him come out anymore.. And I really miss that.

I've tried an approach I thought would work, which is the "do unto others" approach. I want the sweet little texts and messages, and the romance, and the tender love and care so I make sure I go above and beyond with that. While he's asleep, every night, I've started to send him a sweet little message telling him how much he means to me. I come up with new petnames I know he'd love (which he does) and I try to be as sweet as possible... But it doesn't get anywhere, unfortunately.

I wanted to talk to him about it, but having just come out of the unadjusted stage from his schedule change (believe me, it wasn't pretty) I didn't want to burden him down with more emotional drama. Especially when I literally got adjusted on Monday. I want to be tough and supportive, but I want my romantic, loving man back. What do I do?

[Heather]

that sounds like a tough situation to be in. give it some more time and see what happens, if nothing seems to change even with all your sweet messages and stuff then try talking to him. But I would probably give it a little more time to see how things go. Good luck <3

[TknandLvnIt]

I agree give him time to get settled into his new schedule...Its a lot more stressful and he has higher expectations...Part of it may be figuring out why he changed...I mean also maybe adjust to fit him...if he isn't doing it every day then pick a day to do that...like was suggested here love letter day once a month where you both take the time to be romantic...instead of it being a daily expectation.Maybe you are just getting out of the honeymoon phase...relationships change and we just have to adjust with them...good luck and hope this helps

[LadyEcstsasy]

Going off to college is a big change, whether it be a four year university or a community college. I know being patient sometimes can be hard on any body, but he probably just needs a little bit more time to settle down and get more into the rythm of things. Try to keep his schedule in mind, if you know he's got a bit of free time on maybe a weekend, suggest doing something together, like watching a tv show you like or a movie together, anything you guys can do together that might also let him unwind a little if he's still really stressed. I think the most you can do right now is just do what you're doing - be sweet, supportive, and patient Hopefully in time he will return the gesture. Good luck!

[melissab22]

I'm in almost the exact same position you're in; my SO and I just got out of the honeymoon stage and we're working on getting down to the day to day life. He has stopped doing all those little romantic gestures and I tried doing the same thing you did. The more you give the more you thought you'd receive but to no avail. Just give it some time is what I'm thinking. Then try talking to him about how you're feeling. I just did and now we're onto the next part which is just the next time we'll see each other. I'm going to suggest the love letter a month thing to him soon like TknandLvnIt suggested. Maybe try that? Good luck to you.
Patience, honesty, and faith is all it takes.

[melissab22]

I'm in almost the exact same position you're in; my SO and I just got out of the honeymoon stage and we're working on getting down to the day to day life. He has stopped doing all those little romantic gestures and I tried doing the same thing you did. The more you give the more you thought you'd receive but to no avail. Just give it some time is what I'm thinking. Then try talking to him about how you're feeling. I just did and now we're onto the next part which is just the next time we'll see each other. I'm going to suggest the love letter a month thing to him soon like TknandLvnIt suggested. Maybe try that? Good luck to you.
Patience, honesty, and faith is all it takes.

[Silviar]

I have a bit of a different approach from the other folks here. While I agree with the whole be patient since he's adjusting to college life - and I can say from experience it's a HUGE adjustment due to the way it vacuums up free time like you wouldn't believe - I think there are a few things that might help you with your approach.

Doing unto others isn't the best way to get your partner to understand your needs. When you show him and then he doesn't reciprocate, I can understand why you then feel frustrated - because he should be learning from your example, right? Thing is, he's got a BILLION things on his mind with his schedule load, and he probably doesn't interpret what you're doing the same way. Not only that, but his relationship needs, his ways of being shown love are probably different from yours, and if that's the case, he's not going to just figure out that you want him to do what you're doing.

I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, first off. If you don't like the Christian language he sometimes adds, you can skip over it, but the points are very useful and valid. Figure out what your love languages are, and then talking your SO. Tell him you love the time you spend together, but you were wondering if you could make the time together even more meaningful, and then tell him 1-3 specific things you'd like him to do. Things that don't require much effort but make you feel loved and full.

So, my example: my SO and I Skyped usually 1-2 hours in the morning before I worked, and then all evening, about 5-7 hours while he was unemployed. Now that he's employed, we got knocked down to some gchat talk before work (I get to essentially say good morning, have a great day, and kiss him off to work), and then in the evenings I might get a text message. About once a week I manage to wake up early enough for us to Skype for 15 minutes before he goes to bed.

Is it hard? Gods yes. So what my SO does instead is he sends me a sweet, romantic email every night before he goes to bed, so I wake up to a letter about his day and how much he loves me. Even though our time together has decreased significantly, I feel emotionally fulfilled because he took what I needed - lots of sweet nothings and romantic times - and translated it into a letter. Plus then I get to hear about his day, and I feel like part of his life.

[Sarah9908]

Thank you all so very much for your input -- I appreciate every word I'll continue to be patient and hopefully in time he'll adjust too and maybe some of the stress and pressure he's under will be relieved We've been through some really hard times together, and I mean REALLY hard times, so we haven't had that sweet "honeymoon" stage for a while now lol, but I'm looking forward to getting back to where people could call it that :P

Thank you Silviar for your suggestions as well! I couldn't help but laugh at the 3rd paragraph where you mentioned the Christian language added in the book :P I've neglected to tell everyone, that my boyfriend is a Baptist preacher as well so that takes a lot of his time away. One of the things I enjoy, is that in the very beginning of our relationship, we took the Five Love Languages Quiz and I had the book so I read to him the parts that applied to us. Amazingly enough, he and I have the same way that we show love and want to be shown love. Our most prominent Love Language is through Physical Touch, which is quite hard to do, as everyone knows, through the internet.. and especially since he and I are both Christians -- we've set large boundaries for ourselves. Our 2nd is Quality Time, so I'm hoping to come up with something that we can do to help him relax over this weekend -- it'll mark the 1 year since I met him. If anyone has suggestions as to what we could do there, I'm completely up for any ideas!! (but keep in mind, he lives with his family, doesn't have cable but he has Netflix, and we have totally diff movie and tv show tastes lol)

[Silviar]

For our anniversary, we ate dinner together while playing hangman on a shared screen. It was lovely.

[Marina]

Hard one, i'm living the same.... and i can only say that you have to trust yourself and trust him.... dont go around thinking the worst... he's busy, and sometimes men can be really dumb about taking care of several things at the same time... but that doesn't mean he's falling out of love.... and if you beggin to desperate you will lose, because you'll get mad and that's how LDR problems beggins.... all we have is the hope that it won't be forever... one day we will be close to them again... and if we survived to this.... we can survive anything as a couple.... so hang on! Look for things to do to distract yourself! xoxo