*sigh* The future...

[AllieBaba]

A couple of days ago, my SO and I were talking about the future and we got into a bit of an argument. We are hoping to close the distance once we graduate, I still got a year and a half to go and he has 2 and half years left.

I’ve always told him that I want to move to Michigan, where he lives. I love it out there, he lives in the country and it’s so peaceful and beautiful. Lately, I’ve been thinking of the possibility of having him come here. When I told him about it he got a bit defensive. I don’t know if it is because he is so used to me saying that I want to go there that he never had to think about moving here. I talked to him about his reaction and he said he is not against the idea, but he doesn’t get it why all of the sudden I’m thinking differently.

I know we still have a long way to go before closing the distance but there have been a couple of reasons that are making me think about all the options again... I am studying Tourism Management and obviously would like to work in the tourism industry once I graduate. I feel like I have a bigger chance to find a job here in Montreal than in Michigan. Also, I don’t want to leave my family. I love them with all my heart, my little sister is only 6 years old and not being able to see her grow up would be very hard for me. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve got here; family, friends, etc.

I always ask myself, what if things don’t work out? What if I move there and later on we realize it’s just not what we thought it would be? He gets mad at me and says that if I think that way it'll never work between us, and I know what he means. Don’t get me wrong I love him more than anything, and our relationship is going great but it would be a HUGE change for me... I’m just a bit scared of giving up everything for him... Is it normal? Or am I just being crazy?

I live in Canada and he lives in the US and we are clueless when it comes to all the immigration process that we will have to go through. I don’t know if any of you know anything about it, but when it comes to that aspect... Would it be easier for me to move there or the other way around? I know that here in Quebec there’s a way to obtain all the papers without having to get married, it’s called the “Facto Union”. I don’t know a whole lot about it, I would have to do some research...

Please HELP! I don't know what to do anymore and I would appreciate everyone's opinion!!!!

[LostInLove]

Any time I consider my future with The Boy, I think about what would happen if it didn't work out. You'd be moving away from your friends and family, you won't have a support system where you move to and relationships don't always work out the way you want them to. So no, it's not crazy.

As for the rest, I can't really give you any advice because I'm no where close to closing the distance. But good luck!

[AllieBaba]

Thank you so much, and yeah we still have a couple of years before we close the distance, but I just want to have an idea of what we have to do when it comes to all the immigration process, sounds very complicated and stressful!
Thanks anyways

[lucybelle]

Immigration is a long, expensive, difficult process. And I just know that from what other people have posted on here!

My SO is moving in with me from another country, and we talked a LOT about what would happen if things don't work out. He kept telling me "I don't want to think about that blah blah" but it's so important to be realistic! He is very apprehensive about moving up here. All of his friends have been giving him goodbye parties for the past month! haha The funny thing is, he'll only be here for 6 months and then I'm moving down to his country with him for a few years. I've told my friends and family and their reactions were "Well we knew you wouldn't be here for long..."

The difference between him and I is I have traveled and lived abroad before (that's how we met). So I'm siked about moving out and am used to being in a new place. For some people it's very hard to pack up and move to a whole new place. For me, it's an awesome adventure that I can't wait for. You have to decide which type of person you are

[mllebamako]

I understand where your boyfriend is coming from, I think I would be a bit surprised and maybe defensive at first if I'd been thinking it was going to be one way all along and then it changed. But just let him know that you want to leave all of your options open. Since you said you have a few years before you close the distance, it doesn't really matter yet. But I think it's good you told him your feelings now instead of springing it on him when you really have to make a decision.

Hopefully your decision will become clearer within the next few years. It's great to close the distance, but in some ways it sucks because one of you will have to be further from family. That's just part of the deal I guess.

As for wondering what if things don't work out. I think it's VERY healthy and smart of you to consider that. Life can throw some crazy curve balls our way so it's better to just be ready for anything. And like with any relationship, at some point you'll just have to take the chance. And if it doesn't work out...life still goes on. You (or he) move back home and continue on.

As for immigration...from what I can tell (although my knowledge is more on the American immigration side), is that immigrating to Canada is easier. But there are some members on LFAD who have done it, so they can probably answer better than I.

[AllieBaba]

For some people it's very hard to pack up and move to a whole new place. For me, it's an awesome adventure that I can't wait for. You have to decide which type of person you are

I honestly don't know what type of person I am, the only thing I know is that I can't wait to live with my boyfriend, no matter where we are at. I guess everything would be easier for me if he just moved here, but we have to be reasonable and see what the best thing for us is. If that means that I have to go there, then I'll do it, and I'm sure he'll be willing to do the same thing.

I understand where your boyfriend is coming from, I think I would be a bit surprised and maybe defensive at first if I'd been thinking it was going to be one way all along and then it changed. But just let him know that you want to leave all of your options open.

Yep you're right, now I understand why he was upset. He would not only have to leave his family and friend but the language is a bit of a problem. French is the official language here, and even though most people speak English, I'm sure he would have to learn how to speak French to find a good job. We'll see what happens...

Thank you both for the replies, it really helped me a lot and made me realize that maybe I'm not that crazy after all :P

Does anybody know anything about immigration and that stuff?

[paulawriteslove]

Me and Ryan have been together for over a few years and the whole whose moving where has changed so many times! First he was going to move here, then I said I would move there, and about 2 weeks ago he promised me that he would move here either this year or next year...but who knows it could change The whole idea of leaving where you live (aka your comfort zone) is mind boggling. Sometimes I think I would have no problem moving, but there are other times where I can't see myself leaving my family behind. You both will know when the time is right on who is going to move, but both of you have to be understanding of each others concerns about leaving family, etc. best of luck!

[Alisz]

I completely understand where you're coming from. Ray and I haven't had a serious sit down about our future because we've still got quite a ways to go, but we do talk about what we'd want to happen in a perfect world. He lives in the US and me in Canada, so I'm in a similar immigration pickle. I've always assumed that he'd want to move here because there are more benefits for him aside from being closer to me. He's got close friends here, free health care, better job market, less crime, etc. And he's expressed wanting to get out of where he lives. I've also read/heard it's easier for someone to gain residency in Canada than in the US... even with marriage.

I try to think in both worlds when I think about the future. A world with him in it and the possibility of one without him. It helps me to not make decisions based solely on my desire to be with him. Like when I'm looking for a job. I do consider if it's flexible to allow me time for days off for visits, but just because it doesn't I don't trash the opportunity if it's a good choice. We will figure out a way whether it's just weekend visits and holidays.

Also, I keep in mind that nothing is set in stone. Keeping with the job example, there's nothing stopping me from quitting the job if the future changes and I find a better job that's more flexible. Same with moving. Nothing says that once you move that you're there for life. Have you guys maybe thought about moving to a new city? One that would benefit both of you? There are places close to Michigan (I don't know if he's close to the border) that would have decent tourism opportunities, like Southern Ontario (Niagara Falls, Toronto, London, Stratford). I know a train ride from Toronto to Montreal is 6 hours and VIA has some good deals for frequent riders so you'd be able to visit family. There are tons of options and you guys have lots of time. ^^

[AllieBaba]

Sometimes I think I would have no problem moving, but there are other times where I can't see myself leaving my family behind.

That's exactly how I feel! I think that's why I'm so confused at the moment

Have you guys maybe thought about moving to a new city? One that would benefit both of you? There are places close to Michigan (I don't know if he's close to the border) that would have decent tourism opportunities, like Southern Ontario (Niagara Falls, Toronto, London, Stratford). I know a train ride from Toronto to Montreal is 6 hours and VIA has some good deals for frequent riders so you'd be able to visit family. There are tons of options and you guys have lots of time. ^^

Yeahh, that is actually a good idea. We've talked about the possibility of moving to Toronto. I think it's a great place for both of us because there is a lot of tourism and he wouldn't have to learn French. We would also be living 6 hours away from Montreal and Richmond, MI (he's hometown). I don't want to rush into any decision so I'm just taking my time and trying to evaluate every option...

Once again, thank you ladiessss

[OliveOyl]

Immigration is a long, expensive, difficult process. And I just know that from what other people have posted on here!

My SO is moving in with me from another country, and we talked a LOT about what would happen if things don't work out. He kept telling me "I don't want to think about that blah blah" but it's so important to be realistic! He is very apprehensive about moving up here. All of his friends have been giving him goodbye parties for the past month! haha The funny thing is, he'll only be here for 6 months and then I'm moving down to his country with him for a few years. I've told my friends and family and their reactions were "Well we knew you wouldn't be here for long..."

The difference between him and I is I have traveled and lived abroad before (that's how we met). So I'm siked about moving out and am used to being in a new place. For some people it's very hard to pack up and move to a whole new place. For me, it's an awesome adventure that I can't wait for. You have to decide which type of person you are

HEY no way!! DOn't you ever wonder what you are going to do in COsta Rica. I've visited Oaxaca once before I moved there, and it was sooo different living there! Where are you going to work? I fuigure teaching english or trying to get a job at an NGO would be the easiest! I get stressed thinking about it! lol hopefully this credential program goes through and I will just stay in my academic security blanket! lol

[Riyko]

I believe the Facto Union is the same thing as the Common law partnership where you have to either have lived together continuously for a year or have enough proof that you're relationship is a truthful relationship. Either way no matter what you choose to do having him immigrate to Canada can be a long and hard process (just to keep that in mind and I would know i'm an American living in Canada).

[AllieBaba]

I guess I'm aware that the process can be long and complicated. Thanks for the info though, I'll definitely do a little bit of a research on it.