What to do..

[Moon]

Actually, that's NOT typical American behavior! Maybe for teenagers, sure, but absolutely not when it comes to adults, just to set the record straight Anyway, the way she is behaving is definitely not normal, does she behave this way in other situations? I'm only asking because its so far out, I wonder if she's mentally ill. As far as respect goes, I have a 22 year old daughter, and she'll always be my kid, no matter how old she gets. I think when she's 50, I'll still think of her as a kid. That being said, I know she's an adult and that's how she's treated and while I do respect her, its because she's earned it, not because of her age. I'm not insinuating your BF has done anything to deserve disrespect either, I'm just saying that adulthood/age doesn't equal respect. Also, she may not respect you, its not automatic and sometimes needs to be earned, not given. With this woman, there may be absolutely nothing you can do to earn it either, but if you're in her house, it is her rules. I don't mean to sound harsh at all, or blame you or your BF, but you've got a nasty situation on your hands. I hate to say it, but until he moves out of her house, its not going to get better.

The two of you have to decide how to proceed. Again, its not worth saying anything to her because it'll affect the course of your entire relationship, unless he's willing to cut ties. Its just not worth it. Realize that you (and your BF) will never get respect from her, that's just how it is. I guarantee standing up to her won't help the respect level If your BF wants to be treated as an adult, then he's gotta move, you keep saying he's 28 and an adult, but to play devil's advocate here, he IS still living with his mother, you know? Encourage him, encourage him a lot, he's got to find a way out.

[Zephii]

This might sound a bit harsh, but seriously, he's 28 and needs to get his arse out of his moms house. I get that some people don't have a lot of money. I'm one of those people. But you can make it in the world on your own on minimum wage. You just need to be smart with what you have.

If he can't afford to rent a place by himself he can go on craigslist and find himself some room mates. He can rent a single room in another person's house, or a basement or something. A studio would be cheap if they have that in his area, or a bedsitter (similar to a studio, aimed at very poor students.) Yes, he'll miss out on some homey comforts and his mom's cooking, but it'd be worth it.

If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to act like one. Simple as that.

[Stina83]

Thank you for your advice
Oh I totally agree that he needs to move out. We've talked about this numerous times and he's been looking into getting an apartment and roommates and all that. But honestly, I know what he makes and I know what his bills are (student loans, large car payments, insuline (he's diabetic) and so on) and there's NOT enough left for an apartment each month. He has about 300 dollars left that he can save up every month after everything is paid. I'm not trying to make excuses here, because I agree that if he had been just a bit more ambitious when it comes to jobs earlier on in his 'career', then he wouldn't have had to move back into his mom's house. But as for right now, it does seem pretty impossible, even I can see that, and I'm VERY anxious for him to move out, lol.
I think no matter what, even when he moves out, she's still not going to respect him or us for that matter. She's one of those people that only respects herself. Not mentally ill, no.. even though I'm tempted to give her the exccuse of a diagnosis once in a while And trust me, he's not living there out of comfort, because there are none haha. It's solely about the money right now.
Thanks for the advice on where he could move Zephii. What exactly is a bedsitter? Definitely some good ideas there that I'll pass on.

Anyways, I still feel that this whole situation with his mom is ridiculous and unfair. Apart from my bf (bc that's basically his problem), I feel that she's stepping all over me too, and that's really what I'm pissed about. Guess I'll try to ignore her as much as possible, but I decided that if she starts getting nasty about the hotel room again, I'm not going to keep my mouth shut. There is a line.

[Dziubka]

That's slighty off-Topic... but anyway

Actually, that's NOT typical American behavior! Maybe for teenagers, sure, but absolutely not when it comes to adults, just to set the record straight

The point is, around here, it wouldn't even have been normal behavior if Stina and her boyfriend were only 14. Maybe I just grew up in a very liberal surrounding, but I had one single friend in school that couldn't share a room with a guy until she was 18. She was allowed in her room with them and even to sleep over at guys' houses, though.
I guess neither Stine nor me think that it's normal for 28yr olds in America (or anywhere else for that matter), but it's even harder to accept, when we've never had to deal with that. Not even as teenagers living with our parents.

/OT

[Stina83]

Yeah, spot on Dziubka

[Freckles]

Stina, I've got two words for you: CONTROL. FREAK.

American or not, black or white, your SO's mom is a control freak. I'm American and I, too, was allowed to spend the night with boys when I was a teenager. Hell, my MOTHER put me on birth control pills before I even lost my virginity!

My SO (29) lives with his mom because he's unemployed right now, so when I (30) go to visit him, we have a similar situation. His mom is quite conservative and we're not allowed to sleep in the same room at night, but otherwise she gives us our privacy. We've had sex in so many parts of her house when she's not around, it's ridiculous! It does indeed boil down to MUTUAL respect.

I have to wonder if your SO's lack of ambition is a direct result of his mom exerting so much control over him all his life. She probably HAS reflected on this and I bet nothing pleases her more. Even if he gets his own place, I'd be concerned that she'd constantly be there trying to control the situation!

For the sake of everyone involved I think the best bet would be to focus your energies on him moving to you! Sure, the economy may not be great right now, but he's making minimum wage (or close to it) as it is, so... :/

[Moon]

That's slighty off-Topic... but anyway

The point is, around here, it wouldn't even have been normal behavior if Stina and her boyfriend were only 14. Maybe I just grew up in a very liberal surrounding, but I had one single friend in school that couldn't share a room with a guy until she was 18. She was allowed in her room with them and even to sleep over at guys' houses, though.
I guess neither Stine nor me think that it's normal for 28yr olds in America (or anywhere else for that matter), but it's even harder to accept, when we've never had to deal with that. Not even as teenagers living with our parents.

/OT

Maybe, but until you're 18, you're under your parent's control, like it or not. You don't have to agree to the rules, but there's not much you can do about it, either. Even afterward, if you're living in their home. My point was though, that at 28, if you want independence and you have an overbearing, controlling parent, you gotta move, not whether or not its OK for teens to sleep in the same room. On that note, I'll bow out of the discussion though, and just wish Stina the best of luck with her situation.

[Stina83]

Thank you for your advice Freckles And welcome to the forum btw
Yeah it sounds like our situations here are sort of the same. Even though I think us not being allowed to sleep in the same bed, when we're as old as we are now, is ridiculous, I still respect that this is her house, so it is what it is. It's not really about that, it's more the fact that I feel she's crossing my boundaries all the time and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable by controlling everything and making us feel like little kids. I completely agree that she's a control freak!! So true.. And I have no doubt that you're right about the fact that she also controls him bc he's not a very ambitious person. Since he was little she has had this idea that God has a plan with him, and obviously he hasn't lived up to any of that plan, whatever it is.. so she's always nagging him about that. That, and the fact that he's type 1 diabetic makes her overly protective too.
Yeah I think you're right that we should just try and focus on him moving to Europe. I think that's sort of the conclusion we've come to as well. I have absolutely no doubt that even when he moves out and if he stays in the area, she's going to be there or be calling him 24/7. And I just can't handle that!
And yeah.. when she (rarely) leaves the house we have sex there too, haha. She can't control everything

Oh, and might I add, you have an incredibly smart mother!! She sounds very European, lol.

[Stina83]

Thank you Moon

[Freckles]

My mother is definitely American, but we DO have A LOT of Irish blood coursing through our veins! LOL!

I understand your point about feeling like you're both being treated like kids. I mean, not being able to hold hands on the friggin' couch? For cryin' out loud, lady, get a GRIP! It's not just that she treats you like kids, she doesn't even treat you like you're HUMANS!

I want to revisit the comment I made about your SO's lack of ambition as it appears as though you misunderstood me. I don't think his lack of ambition is what makes her feel the need to be so controlling over him, although it could be fueling the fire. More importantly, I think the fact that she's been so controlling over him all his life (making his choices FOR him) is what has led to his lack of ambition as an adult. Just so there's no confusion there...I hope that makes sense.

I like Dziubka's point that you're FAR more patient than she would be with this. I feel the same way. You're one heck of a lady to put up with it as long as you have. Please don't let that deter you, though. Kudos to you! Keep fighting the good fight! You certainly shouldn't go head-to-head with this woman as it would leave your SO in an awkward position feeling like he has to "choose" between you and his mother. BUT do stay on top of what YOU can control...don't lose hope!

Thanks for the welcome to the forum <3, stay on top of those opportunities to bump uglies with your SO (LOL!), and more power to you! I hope things pan out such that your SO can move to Europe sooner rather than later...sounds like he could use a very long holiday from his mom!

[AllieBaba]

Although not being able to kiss or touch each other in front of her sounds ridiculous.. I can somehow relate to you because his parents don't let us sleep in the same bed, I know how frustrating it is because the time you spend together is limited and you can't see each other everyday like a normal couple. I would kill to just wake up next to him but there's is nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I think to myself that their rules are just pathetic and stupid because sleeping together doesn't mean that we're not doing anything... and I'm sure they know that, but at the end of the day it's his parents' house and so we have to respect them.

Even though my situation is not as extreme as yours I know it's not easy at all, and there is really no solution for it (as long as he's still leaving in her house). Seems like she's not going to change and if anything it's getting worse by the day. Just be strong and stay positive!!