Plans? What plans?!

[Marikusa]

I'm sorry if it seems that i keep making threads, but it's like lately one thing leads to the next. I have no idea what to think, or if i'm even thinking rationally.

My boyfriend and i have been together for what will be 7 months this month. We met really randomly. Through my friend Nelson who i've known for about 5 years online. He used to live here in the US, but he moved with his family to Argentina and is now at a pension for boys while he studies. One day we were talking, and he had to AFK for a few minutes, and Brian (my boyfriend) just happened to get on Nelson's computer. He started talking to me, but i wasn't really interested because.. Well.. I don't usually talk to random people on Nelson's screen name.

We only "talked" for like 3 minutes while Nelson was gone, and i say "talk" because it was mostly him asking questions and me ignoring or giving short answers. However, for some reason he wanted to add me to his MSN??? I didn't want to be rude and so i said he could add me if he wanted. After he added me, i took some time to accept his request but eventually i did.

He messaged me everyday, and each time he did i pretended like i was busy. I don't think he ever noticed.. One day, i was about to block him and delete him but out of curiosity i asked him why he even bothered talking to me if 1) he didn't know me and 2) i never responded. He said he didn't really know, and he didn't even know why he went on Nelson's computer that day because he never does things like that. I actually gave him a chance that night, just to talk to him, and it was one of the best nights ever.

After that we just developed this amazing bond. He was the best. I remember a night he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was like 2AM and i was dead tired but i just couldnt stand saying good bye to him. I had wished i could stay on Skype with him, and it was like he read my mind. As i was saying my good night, he said ".. You can go to sleep, but just leave your mic on. I want to stay with you".. and then he started whispering sweet nothings to me in italian, and translating them for me in spanish. ( i don't speak italian haha but it was so romantic).

He started saying things like "I think it was fate that we had to meet that way", and saying things about our future like "When we live together","I want to grow old with you and still walk down the street with you holding hands"... and these dreams became everything to me.
We knew it'd be sometime since he still has 2 years until he finishes his degree, and i still have somethings that i need to work on... but we had planned all these beautiful things. We did have our arguments, but most of the time it was perfect. I've never been so in love.

Last month, he went on vacation to his parent's town. He also lives in that pension, just downstairs from my friend Nelson. When he left he was upset because he didn't pass some of his finals. His parents live in the country and so they don't have internet. I couldn't really call his cellphone because it would be costly for him since it wastes his credits. I ended up buying a skype subscription so that i could be able to call him at his parent's house.

His parents don't know about us, and he's still not planning on telling them about us until we meet. He's afraid that they wont take it seriously. I respect that, he can take his time.. When i called it was strange because he wasn't as sweet and loving as usual, but i understood that he didn't want his parents to know.. So i though. Ok, it will be all back to normal once he gets back.

Only i wasnt... He had gone away to his parents house in the past, and everytime he'd come back our first time together again was always special and romantic.. This time it wasnt. He wasnt sweet, or anything. He pretty much ignored me the whole time he was back.. So i started thinking that he got used to being alone, and didn't care about me anymore. I don't know what was going on but something had changed.

I talked with him about it, and he said that nothing had changed. That he was just tired and that he'd be back to normal after a few days.. Then those few days came by and he was still different. It was really depressing for me because i'm also going through things, and he was really the only one that could bring some happiness into my dark times.. but it seemed like he didnt care.

Nelson had tipped me off that he spoke to Brian, and he had told him that he was really stressed over the exams. His parents gave him a really hard time while he was out there, and he has exams coming up in march. If he doesn't pass them he'll lose his scholarship. Also, if he does well he'll have a degree. Not the one he wants, but an intermediate one. So i figured out he was depressed.

I tried to cheer him up, and give him words of encouragement. I told him id always be there for him etc etc. Then one night i had asked him if he was committed to me and our relationship, and he said he only thought about me.. but that he felt we were moving too fast..
He said that we shouldnt make so much plans because we don't know what we'll become and we don't know we will meet, or if it will even work out. This crushed my heart..
If we don't have dreams, then whats the light at the end of the tunnel? How do i keep pushing forward?

He told me that he wanted to live his life, go out,work, and travel after school.. that i was already thinking about having children and settling down. He was the one that had brought up the whole marriage thing.. and i had thought that was what we both wanted to be together forever.

I had thought that we were on the same page, but now i guess we aren't? I asked him if he wanted to date other people, but he said no.
I felt like i was a burden on him, but he said he hadn't thought of it that way.
When we originally made those plans, i didn't expect it to happen over night. I knew there was going to be a few years of wait.. but hes kind of making it seem like its going to happen tomorrow or something..

Since then i've been feeling like maybe i shouldn't take this too seriously, and i should also live my life.. that maybe i shouldn't make our relationship working out a priority. I don't know anymore. Am i over analyzing?

[Miramaid]

I hear you and I think I would kinda be thinking like that too...
I am not sure what to advise you. Yes you should live your life and see how things go. Go with the flow. If everything is good today - good. If not - oh well. I know it is easier said than done, and we all are kinda of in teh same boat here: not many of us know for sure how their LDR will end, but we just all hoping for the best. If you guys could meet it would may be give you some idea about what was going to happen. I mean LDR are nice but people should meet. And you two are young and I imagine he wants children and a family, but not any time soon, so keep your eyes open that would be my advice.

[ms3]

I'm not sure how your geographical situation is and how easily you could move together. But this can involve big steps in somebody's life, and it can be scary, even if you love somebody. It can take some time for him to be ready for these steps, and especially to accept that he might have to change his plans he had when he was single. Even more so, I've heard of many cases where a woman talking of having kids soon scared off the guy. It doesn't mean he doesn't want any, but again he might have to get used to the idea of maybe having them earlier than he thought.
I'm speaking from my own experience, although I never really questionned my relationship, because I just couldn't let this wonderful woman go - but I did have some tough moments to get used to the new situation, with which I'm completely happy now...

[Silviar]

To answer your question: it's normal to talk about dreams and future hopes, and crushing hopes and dreams in a relationship is a bad thing. It is essential for a serious, longterm couple to be able to talk about a future someday, even if that someday is 10 years in the future. While his reasoning is right - you don't know how or where either of you will go - treating your relationship like it's automatically a pass says more about him than you. Some people never take young relationships seriously, even for themselves.

In tandem with what I said, there may be something else going on here that no one can really account for - life. If he's growing in such a way that he's nothing as invested into having a relationship with you and doesn't want it, then there's nothing that can be done. I suspect that given the age range we're talking about that that is a possibility.

Keep living and loving, and see where it takes you.

[Marikusa]

Well it seems that things have gotten better. I swear, lately he's been having me on a roller coaster of emotions. We talked today, and after alot of thought i had decided that he was right in a way. I should be doing things that i want to do and live my life the way i had wanted to. I was going to hold back on going back for a second degree so that i could move there with him and do it there.. (Which i calculated would happen 2-3 years down the line) I still feel that is ok to plan.

Like when we talked about our future plans i had always knew in my mind that it would be a few years down the line. I didn't all expect it to happen right away. I told him today that he was right, and that i wanted to do things for myself even if it meant we wouldn't be together (in the same area) for another 4 years. (He lives in Argentina, and i live in New York) He said he'd wait for me, but that he felt that we should grow as individuals and that would help us in our relationship.

I'm just confused because.. I never really told him that he had to do things a certain way, and i never really tried to stop him from anything. It's even more confusing that most of our plans were his idea.. about getting married, living together, and that i would go to school over there and he said he would support me. Stuff like that.. lol

Anyway, i told him that its ok to plan. If we don't plan how do we keep pushing forward? What's the point of going on if we cant plan on ever ending this distance. I told him that in love, there is no guarantee... whether its a LDR or not. You never know if tomorrow you will be with that person.. Love is an act of faith. Its a scary thing to give your all to a person without knowing for sure what tomorrow will bring.. but as long as i can love him with my all today.. it wont matter. If it doesn't work it doesn't work.

He said that i was right, and that he was willing to wait for me. He said that he just wants us to grow as individuals that way we wont be left with "what if.." or "If i had done this.. my life would've been.." He said that even if i had to wait 4 years for my degree that he could come here once he finished his and started working.. So we'll see how that goes.

Its difficult when both of us are pretty clueless on how to deal with a LDR. For the first time, i'm actually trying to make things work out. It's the same with him. Heh. It's also true.. we are still young. We are both 22 so we still have lots of time for planning things like getting married and having kids. haha. It must be my Spanish side.. Most of my friends are married and have kids already. -_-~

Thanks for the support everyone.
I feel alot better now.

[Riyko]

People in South America aren't as eager to get married or talk about plans like that until they are at least in their mid to late 20's. It has a lot to do with their culture and how they we're raised. Some thing else to keep in mind in South America college/university's are a lot harder and a lot stricter than they are in North America for them it's about finishing school and getting a nice job either within their country or outside. i know my ex is from Chile and it was the same for us when we started dating and then he was dedicated to me (but we are also a lot older) and we talked a lot about that.