Advice Appreciated (long)

[Mara]

I've been around a couple months now, but I've never really posted too much. I do think you all are wonderful though and have good, objective advice. I could really use some of that now.

My SO and I have been together now a year and a half. We've only been in a distance relationship though for a little over six months. I wouldn't say it's exactly long distance since it's just a few hundred miles; we live on opposite sides of the same state. So he/I can usually drive to see each other and back in the same day. I do most of the visiting because that way I can spend the night and not have to drive back the same day.

Even though it's not that long of distance, we don't really see each other that often. We saw each other a good bit, maybe twice the first month we were long distance, then we didn't see each other for three months, now we've been going about a month without seeing each other.

We have fought for the past six months about this. I feel that since it's not so far of a distance we should be able to see each other more often, but my SO never seems to have the time. We are both in university, he's finishing up his last year in graduate school and I've just returned to school last fall. He also works part time about 20-25 hours a week plus he's a member of some organizations on campus.

In other words, he's far busier than I am. I'm really trying to be more understanding about his schedule, but I am not exactly thrilled and feel sometimes I am his last priority though I understand that he does have to do these things.

Basically, I feel it's taking a toll on me and our relationship. We haven't fought about anything else except the distance and we fight about it maybe a couple times a month. I made up my mind not to say anything about it because I am tired of fighting with him about it. Which was going good until a few days ago I asked if we were going to be able to spend valentine's day together and he said no.

I don't know why it really upset me so much as I figured we wouldn't be able to because we both have school that day so we couldn't leave out until after school, but I still thought we might be able to spend some time of that day together. He asked about us celebrating it another day and I said, "that doesn't look good." Which it doesn't. He'll be busy and I have four exams this month so I don't see what day I'll be able to give him or vice versa.

I also told him that my feelings were hurt that we wouldn't get to spend the day together or probably any day together this month. His response to this was pretty..well, it seemed to me he was annoyed which led to the whole argument about him not supporting me and respecting my feelings. He was/is mad because he said it seems no matter how hard he tries I'm not happy. He also said that I always say I understand he has responsibilities, but then when it comes down to it I get mad and act "overly dramatic". He also said that I want him to support my feelings, but I don't understand or think of the fact that this makes him sad as well.

Honestly, I think we both acted poorly and I think I could just use some advice on how to deal with the distance better, be more supportive/understanding, activities which could occupy my time more, etc. Right now though, I just feel as if I'm not sure if we can withstand all of this...

[Miramaid]

ehhhhh I wont say anything except I know how you feel and sure hope it gets better

[mllebamako]

I definitely can see both sides of this. I know that when I was in college I was incredibly busy with school, work, homework, volunteering, clubs, friends, etc. I don't think I would have had time to get away either. You want to be important to him but you also don't want him to give up the things he's passionate about or needs to do.

Does he make time for you as far as communication goes? Like do you guys have regular phone calls or skype dates that he puts his time/effort into? If the answer is yes, then I would just try to be understanding about the visiting thing.
I'm guessing it's especially hard because you were expecting to see each other lots more since you are geographically not too distant. So I'm sure there is disappointment in that. Can you talk to him and try to set a standard for visits...like at least 1 a month or 1 every 5 or 6 weeks? Hopefully that would eliminate some of your fighting about this.

It's hard, but once you accept those new visiting "conditions", I think it'll be easier. Accept that you can only see him once every 5 weeks (or whatever). And like you said in your post, I think if you can make yourself busier, you'll feel so much better.
You say you're in college...do you have any non-school activities? Clubs? Exercise Classes? Volunteer work? Meet-up groups? Etc. There is so much available in college (and outside of college too) that you should be able to find something you enjoy.

Hope this helps!

[Freckles]

Mara, I understand (I think we all do!) what you're going through right now.

As to the frequency of your visits, I think the two of you should discuss and decide upfront how often you will see each other. For example, my SO and I agreed that we will visit each other every 4-6 weeks. We don't have every visitation for the entire year scheduled yet, but it at least gives us an upfront, agreed-upon timeframe within which to work. Also, when you DO visit each other try to make it a point to sit down together with a calendar and your respective schedules so that the two of you can go ahead and work out the details of your next visit BEFORE the current visit comes to an end. That way, when you part ways and go back to your respective homes, you can say to each other "I'll see you in ___ days/weeks/months", rather than "I'll see you...whenever". Plus, it's a lot easier (and less stressful) to do this planning in person when you can focus on each other and your relationship, rather than focusing on work/class/exams, etc.

As to being more supportive/understanding, I can assure you that between grad school, a part time job, and school activities/organizations he has A LOT on his plate! The fact that he's been able to keep this year-and-a-half long relationship with you going long distance for the past 6 months is commendable to say the least. I think it would be a mild understatement to say that he's super-stressed right now. Send him a surprise care package, perhaps. Even better if it's homemade...not only will it give you something to do, but it will brighten his day! Other than that, without knowing what you're into, it's difficult to make suggestions on how to keep yourself occupied.

I can imagine how difficult it would be going from a year-long proximal relationship to suddenly being in a long distance one. My beau and I have always been long distance so we don't know anything different.

Also, I'm a bit concerned that your response was somewhat passive-aggressive when he asked if you two could celebrate V-Day at a later time. Yes, he's busy, but if he suggested it, I think he truly wants to come up with a compromise that could work for BOTH of you. It obviously means a lot to you (and rightfully so!), so be willing to meet him in the middle, as it were.

The long distance segment of your relationship is still relatively new, so I'd advise you to get used to the idea that you won't be able to spend every special occasion/date together ON those dates. It may seem less romantic to the proximal couple, but to the long distance couple it can seem even more romantic that you've gone out of your way to celebrate those times together regardless. I think it's really sweet that your SO suggested it!

Now, go and get back on the same team with your SO! What's more important to you? Being right or being with him?

(Please don't take this as a bashing against you...if I sound emphatic about it, it's because I almost let my LDR fall apart for similar reasons. Don't let this happen! Trust me!)

Hope this helps!

[Mara]

I think I will talk to him about setting some type of standard time frame for our visits. One of the reasons I do feel we are fighting about it is because we don't have any sort of standard amount of time before visits. It's just a sort of "we'll see" thing which just doesn't seem to be working for us. I know with his schedule and mine we won't be able to set any date in stone, but if we had a time frame I think that would give me something to look forward to instead of [what feels like] this endless waiting to see each other.

Freckles- I know I was wrong and I think I was a bit more than passive aggressive about it. I've apologized and admitted that I shouldn't have made such a big deal about it. I think the real problem was we haven't seen each other since December and I just assumed *cough* should've talked it over with my SO first *cough* that we would be seeing each other on Valentine's Day. Right now, I'm just taking some space from him and us to get my emotions in check. He told me yesterday that he was still upset about our argument and I'm still upset as well at myself for making a mountain out of a molehill and at him for the way he reacted to my feelings.

mllebamako- We do talk a lot. I'd say that throughout our whole relationship there might have only been three days where we haven't spoken at all. Even if he is busy and we can't have an in depth conversation, he'll text me that he loves me and if he's really busy he'll just email me long after I've gone to sleep. We do have long conversations about three-four times a week though which I think is pretty good. I think I just miss being around him as before I moved we spent literally everyday together.

Tissa even though you didn't offer any advice sometimes it's just nice to hear that other people know how you feel! I don't have many friends here, mostly just girls I know from class, and no one really understands what this is like for me.

I definitely need to keep busy though. I have too much time on my hands to miss him. I don't think he misses me as much because he's so busy. I have a perfectly good gym membership that's going to waste and Freckles I think I will make him something and send it to him. It'll take up some of my spare time and show him that I'm thinking of him!

[Freckles]

Good for you, Mara!

Something to possibly think about during your break from him/your relationship: I think you're right in saying that it's the time apart that's really eating at you, not the fact that you won't be able to see him on V-day. The key here is that there's already the physical distance; don't let it drive a wedge further between the two of you.

I'm sure that he misses you the same, but is so occupied with other things that he just doesn't have time to DWELL on the fact as often as you do. If you haven't already, try to get to the root of what really bothers/hurts you (i.e., missing him, loneliness), explain it to him as lovingly as possible (using "I" statements, of course, so as not to put him on the defense), and ask for his patience with you during this time. It'll require a certain amount of emotional vulnerability for you to do this, but if he's worth it (and I'm sure he is), he'll understand and appreciate your willingness to be open with him.

It seems to me that the biggest hurdle in your relationship (besides the distance) is effective communication. If this is true, then you and I have A LOT in common and I would urge you to do an internet search including some combination of the words "relationship, intimate, effective, communication". This website has been extremely helpful for me. It has a list several articles pertaining to communication in relationships that can help if you feel it's necessary. Even though it doesn't address LDRs specifically, let's face it: communication is key in ANY relationship!

[mllebamako]

mllebamako- We do talk a lot. I'd say that throughout our whole relationship there might have only been three days where we haven't spoken at all. Even if he is busy and we can't have an in depth conversation, he'll text me that he loves me and if he's really busy he'll just email me long after I've gone to sleep. We do have long conversations about three-four times a week though which I think is pretty good. I think I just miss being around him as before I moved we spent literally everyday together.

I definitely understand that. I went from living with my SO to having 30 minute crappy-internet-connection skype conversations. Totally can't compare
I think the fact that he still makes communication with you a priority is great and if you guys just set up a more concrete visiting schedule things will get a lot better.